Rebuilding without a confession

[dogearedtooth]

Is it possible to move on from an affair if the DH does not confess to having had a physical relationship with OW, even in the face of some pretty damning evidence?

I am asking for advice to enable me to help a friend in this situation and would appreciate some anecdotes from people in similar situations who have or have not been able to do this.

Thanks .

By the way, she would not be losing her kids for half of the week if she divorces. The typical settlement imposed by the court is that the man will get the kids every other weekend and one night in the week.

Also, with the maintenance she is likely to get from him, she could easily afford to run the house. He is just putting these thoughts in her head to intimidate her and dictate terms. The minute that this is in put in the hands of lawyers, he is f*cked and he knows it.

This is the very reason why men who are cheated on feel so hard done by. Even though they may have done nothing wrong, they stand to lose their home, their wife and their kids and hand over half their money. Divorce courts don't discriminate between cheaters and non cheaters, they just ensure (rightly) that the mother and her kids are properly accounted for. So if your friend has been cheated on and there is no real prospect of reconciliation then she really needs to start enforcing her rights.

Not necessarily Schmarn. I see a lot of couples on the brink of divorce and I would say in about 70% of cases now, the default should they divorce will be shared residence and shared child-raising costs. What influences residence decisions are the children's needs primarily and so a father who has played a significant role in child-raising will have more chance of attaining 50-50 residence, whereas one who has not and is using this as a weapon against his wife, will be unlikely to secure this deal. It is however often used as a threat by controlling men who have no intention of raising their own children themselves and who will contract it out to the OW or other female child-carers at the first opportunity. The money spent on childcare if this is necessary is weighed off against the absence of formal child maintenance and this is sometimes a financial decision, as well as a means of emotional control.

On the positive side, this protects the fathers you mention in your last paragraph, as well as those whose marriages have broken up for other reasons and who still want an equal input into their children's lives. It's also positive for women who want to be freed of an iniquitous childcare workload and who want to work or pursue other interests. It doesn't work well for women who don't want to work or whose job opportunities are limited, or for those who by default believe that a woman mustn't be separated from her children.