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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating seperated men

36 replies

sl34 · 02/07/2012 21:38

Would you date a man who has been separated from his wife of 13 years but not actually divorced? The only reason he says he hasn't got divorced is he did not feel the need to. He has no feelings for her but does keep in touch occassionally for there childs sake. They had children which are now adults 19 and 25.

Do you think it would be fair to say that this is long in the past and ok to date this man?

OP posts:
Taghain · 02/07/2012 21:46

It depends...has he really separated? Are they really living apart or is that his story?

If yes, sure it's OK.

sl34 · 02/07/2012 21:50

They have not lived together since 2000 and been separated since 2000. I can't understand why someone has not got divorced after so long though and find it odd but i suppose there are people who never divorce legally just separate.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 02/07/2012 22:03

Where did you meet this man?

sl34 · 02/07/2012 22:06

@ Izzyizin Off an internet dating site. I have no intentions of getting married just after a committed relationship.

OP posts:
wild · 02/07/2012 22:17

I wouldn't bother, myself. His kids are adults, he doesn't need to go through his ex-wife. Sorry, wife.

PinkChampagneandStrawberries · 02/07/2012 22:19

I don't think I would sorry

sl34 · 02/07/2012 22:19

@ Wild you personally would not date this guy then even though he has been separated for 13 years?

OP posts:
wild · 02/07/2012 22:23

you said his wife of 13 years in op, not that he had been separated for 13 years
but no, even so, I wouldn't
I went out with a separated man from t'internet, he wasn't interested in moving on and I was
Being married to someone is a good way of avoiding committment
that's what I'd do, though. You obviously want to date him, so why not?

GemsAngels · 02/07/2012 22:26

Yes date! Why not?
Thats a long time to be separated! Maybe ask him when hes actually thinking about getting divorced?

sarahseashell · 02/07/2012 22:26

I'd maybe be a bit wary simply because if you end up having a future with him you'd have to then be with him through his divorce process Confused depends how much you like him though and what you're looking for. Trust your instincts
Smile

sl34 · 02/07/2012 22:27

Sorry i didn't phrase my posting well lol He has been separated for 13 years yes. I am not certain i want to keep seeing him as i have in mind that legally he is still married and i don't think i can deal with that. Perhaps next time i should meet someone the traditional method and don't bother with the internet as all i get is guys with loads of problems.

OP posts:
sl34 · 02/07/2012 22:28

Gemsangles he doesn't want a divorce end of and just says there is no need. We get on well but i want committment not necessarily marriage.

OP posts:
GemsAngels · 02/07/2012 22:34

Oh I find that quite odd!
Maybe explain to him that although he feels there is no need, you think otherwise. You arnt happy dating 'A married man' as such!

SoleSource · 02/07/2012 22:34

I wouldn't date a man who was not free.

wild · 02/07/2012 22:42

i agree with you that the internet can be quite depressing!
I'd leave it because you want committment and he's not bothered
if you got to know and care for him this could really get you down
Next!

sl34 · 02/07/2012 22:47

Although i am content with my job, hobbies, and a few friends i do not want to spend the rest of my life alone. Where do you meet people who want something long term? The net don't work so where the hell do you meet nice genuine people?

OP posts:
happyAvocado · 02/07/2012 22:55

The net don't work so where the hell do you meet nice genuine people? - I am asking myself the same question :)

likeatonneofbricks · 02/07/2012 23:45

OP, the net works for some - quite a few examples on MN, just state 'single/divorced' in searches on htese sites. Most men who ve been separated for a long time do it purely for financial reasons i.e. they don't want to pay out, or have a business with the ex. You can join a golf club! (yes, probably boring but lots of men)

IncredibleJourney · 03/07/2012 00:03

I dated a man who was separated years ago. We were both involved in a local community organisation and I had no idea about his personal life/marital status until we met one night to discuss some issues relating to a campaign, and he made it clear he was interested in me romantically.

Before going any further, I made discreet enquiries of a couple of mutual friends/people involved in the same organisation, who told me that he was indeed separated and he was in the process of getting a divorce because his wife had had an affair. It was only then that I decided to move forward in terms of dating this man, on the basis that they were separated and he was getting a divorce. (My father had had an affair behind my mother's back for nine years before they split up, so there's no way I was going to fall for "I'm separated/My wife doesn't understand me" bollocks without third party corroboratio, hence making those enquiries and getting confirmation from others.)

My alarm bells would be ringing at full volume here; they've allegedly been separated for 13 years without getting divorced? Why? There would have to be a really bloody good reason, like perhaps the ex-ish-wife was a very devout Catholic and thought she was going to burn in hellfire for the rest of eternity, or perhaps there was issues relating to a property or family trust or something. Being separated for 13 years without getting divorced sounds wrong to me. I'd steer clear. Unless he could provide a very, very, very good explanation.

Llareggub · 03/07/2012 00:17

I don't think it is that odd at all actually. I know a perfectly normal and sane separated couple who only divorced after 30 odd years of separation. They never felt the urge to divorce legally. I know another couple who divorced after 6 years of separation. I have been separated for 6 months and can see how it can drag on for years if both parties aren't particularly argumentative.

Lueji · 03/07/2012 00:21

Surely if two partners aren't particularly argumentative, a divorce should be easier and quicker?
Or are they just not keen on divorcing?

carernotasaint · 03/07/2012 00:35

Or is he too cheap to pay for it.

DioneTheDiabolist · 03/07/2012 00:46

I have been separated for 4.5 years.

That's 4.5 years in which I haven't lived with, slept with or even snogged my Ex. He wouldn't contribute to the costs of a divorce and I didn't have the money or the energy.

I hope to rectify that next year, but as I am dating a bloke of the net, I find this thread really interesting. I detected a disturbance in the force when I said I wasn't divorced. This thread is helping me to understand his reaction.

izzyizin · 03/07/2012 04:42

You met him on t'internet and he's allegedly been separated for a number of years? I advise large pinches of salt and extreme caution, sl Grin

It seems to be a little known fact that, in the absence of an order of Judicial separation, until a Decree Absolute is pronounced non-cohabiting married couples remain married in the eyes of the law.

A spouse who remains faithful to their marriage vows up until the date of an informal or consensual separation, and who subsequently enters into a heterosexual relationship with another party, may be surprised to learn that they can be divorced for adultery long after they may consider their marriage to be over and, more to the point of this thread, the other party can be cited as co-respondent and may be required to contrbute to the cost of the divorce.

It doesn't happen that often, but it happens enough to give the canny wary among us pause for thought.

Are you aware that, regardless of whether your spouse gives his consent, in 6 months time you can obtain a divorce citing 5 years' separation Dionne?

There's no need to employ a solicitor; do it yourself online for the cost of the Court fees - c£150-200. Visit www.direct.gov.uk click on 'Government, citizens and rights' and scroll down for further information - if you should be unsure of any aspect post on the Legal board.

Putthatbookdown · 03/07/2012 06:49

If you are not looking for anyjting long term then this is ok. My freind had this twice : one of them did not get ever want to marry again it turned out and 20 years laterhe is still alone The other had a wife who was seriously mentally ill and in institutions etc so separated due to that You need to ask him straight : why he is not divorced

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