DH doesn't fancy me any more - need tips

[tt7488]

So our sex life isn't really the problem. Its the getting to it that is. When we have sex it is really great but DH just seems less interested these days. I think he is totally jaded by the sight of me naked and just doesn't get a thrill out of it any more. Body a bit child ravaged but its still OK (I think!). I'm worried that he doesn't see me as 'sexual' any more (sorry totally gross way of putting it!) Does anyone have any good advice? I don't mean actual sex tips but things like being sure to have bikini waxes (started getting Brazilians recently which seem to be appreciated) or things that might make him excited by me without being totally outrageous. Help!

Has he actually said he doesn't fancy you?

Do you spend time together as a couple?

What about some fabulous underwear?
And by the way I hope HE is making an effort too - it shouldn't be just 'your fault' or 'your duty' to put the va-va-voom back into your sex life.

There are all kinds of reasons why someone might not be as interested in sex as in the past. Fatigue, stress, lack of opportunity, boredom... all kinds of things. Why not ask him rather than assuming it's about the way you look or behave?

Does he use porn?

He says he does fancy me. And when we do have sex it is really great. I just feel like he wants to have sex when he needs sex rather than he sees me and wants to have sex with me if you see what I'm saying. We probably should make more time to spend alone together.

Have any tips on where to get great but not absurd (and not absurdly priced) underwear?

Thanks so much for responses.

Cogito I have asked but hes not very keen on talking about things (a real 'bloke' in that way). I think we have lost a bit of the spice since having the whole routine of constantly needing to be doing kid things, getting bags ready, cleaning the house all the time etc etc.

No to the porn.

agent provocateur have got their sale on atm and theydo some really gorgeous stuff :)

Is it possible that he also feels a lack of self confidence and doesn't see himself as sexual any more also?

Do you flirt with each other, pay each other compliments, make 'that' eye contact?

Lots of a relationship becomes 'functional the further we get into it and it is so easy to lose track of each other and ourselves as sexual beings.

So saying 'hey I really like it when you wear that top' with a twinkly smile. It doesn't have to immediately lead anywhere but might recreate those earlier heady days.
Also try to maybe not just focus on things that will immediately be a turn on, but 'set the scene'.. maybe a flirty text, reminding him of the time we did 'X' with a cheeky wink.

I seem to remember it was as much the build up as anything if you can see where I am coming from.

(unfortunate choice of phrase!!)

Please ensure that you don't start feeling/acting insecure!...as this is a downward spiral if you do. How about playing sport or exercising together. A bit of confident flirting does no harm. Also helps to fancy yourself a tiny bit as you will transmit confidence.

The "Brazilian" thing moight have a place but I doubt that it is a fix. In fact it could be seen as a desperate thing if you are feeling insecure?

brazilian obviously not a fix but I think it does help because he likes it and it does make me feel a bit more attractive - like having waxed legs etc etc helps me to feel a bit less gross!

Ah well, I think it's only good manners to remove hair from salient parts if want them to be used in certain ways ;-). I can see why appreciated and nothing wrong with that. Usually the other way round after children, where men are expecting the same level of thrill from tired mothers who want understanding, so this is a bit different lol. Maybe you have mismatched sex drives. I think its important that neither of you take it as a personal affront. If you wear sexy stuff and do things for him without confirming first with him if this would help, he may get intimidated as he'll know what you are after and that means you'll get disappointed if he turns you down after your efforts. Best to just ask him and give him lots of reassurance long with that that you enjoy being intimate with him lots :-)

I'm puzzled about why he would like the pubescent girl look if he doesn't use porn and for many men, a grown woman having no pubic hair is a real turn-off, so I wonder why you did that?

I also don't understand why you can't air your concerns and why you're satisfied with someone who won't discuss them? There could be any number of reasons why he doesn't appear to fancy you, but you're assuming it's your appearance and that you need to dress provocatively. It seems so odd that you're leaping to one conclusion and asking for solutions when you haven't been told what the problem is.

I've noted what you said about him being a 'real bloke' and so I wonder whether you are stereotyping him as the sort of man who can only get stimulated by something visual; therefore disregarding all his other human senses?

What about taste, touch and auditory senses?

What about appealing to his anticipation of sex by sending him sexually suggestive e mails, texts or letters - or a conversation in the morning that reveals the promise of the afternoon/evening?

But IMO those things need to happen after you've had a conversation and found out from him whether his diagnosis is the same as yours.

TBH I suspect a lot of it is household routine. Can you arrange babysitters for cinema trips or a drink, or meals out if that's affordable? Time as a couple is so essential. If you have family who would do it and the kids are old enough then a weekend away could work wonders. It's so easy to forget to be a couple, I think, and all the sexy underwear in the world isn't a replacement for that (fab as those things can be, too!).

How old are you and how old is your dh? How long have you been together? How old are your dc?

Sternface, as I understand it a bit of hair can still be left with a Brazilian, therefore not being prepubescent. I think the point is to use other senses - taste in this case ;-).

?For many men, a grown woman having no pubic hair is a real turn-off.?

Nah. I think you'll find it's the other way round. A big 70s bush poking out your knickers is far more likely to be a turn off these days.

The pre-pubescent thing is a red herring. Bet Stern shaves her armpits.

OP just thought I'd chip in with good places to buy lingerie: Ann Summers (honestly check it out, they do have some nice lingerie in amongst all the Rampant Rabbits), M&S, Asos and Figleaves. Agent Provocateur is fab if you aren't busty but so expensive even in the sale. You can pick up nice, reasonably priced AP stuff on eBay though.

Don't forget - confidence is the most sexy asset of them all! :)

Yes that's my understanding of it too, but also that many Brazilian waxes remove all of the hair and that all leave much less than would be natural in an adult woman, hence I used the phrase 'pubescent' not 'pre-pubescent'. The fact is that this fashion for minimal or no hair around the vulva came from porn. And far fewer men bother about getting a 'back, sack and crack' out of concern for their partners' comfort and er...taste buds, so it puzzles me why women put themselves through such painful beauty treatments in order to improve their partners' sexual experience when a) the fashion has come from something that sexually objectifies women b) their partners haven't asked them to do so and would rather jump off a cliff naked than submit themselves to the pain associated with this totally unnecessary practice and c) there is no evidence to support a belief that women are refusing to perform fellatio because of men's body hair.

I go for the all off look, and my partner keeps his in good order too. As Dr Evil said, a shorn scrotum is quite breathtaking! :o But seriously, I would not put them in my mouth if they were hairy. It's got nothing to do with me wanting him to look younger.

OP, my tip is to keep yourself covered up as much as possible. No skin or boobs on show. Just some classically nice outfits. Then, make some sneaky way to show him that you're wearing sexy underwear, or whisper a short fantasy to him while he's busy. Then leave it at that - let him chase you.

If the sexes were reversed in this thread, you wouldn't get a man asking if he should have his pubic hair ripped out by the roots or wear sexy underwear for his wife to make her fancy him more.
A woman isn't particularly interested in sex = sees it as her problem, a woman's partner not interested = her problem - why is that?

The only way to deal with this issue is to talk to the bloody man, no one bats an eyelid if a woman goes off sex, even for a prolonged period, god forbid if a man does though, there must be something wrong with him if he doesn't want to shag you whenever he catches a glimpse of ankle.

What sternface and Malifience said. With bells on.

Considering what you say, I think this problem is not going to get sorted by brazilians and fancy underwear. You may need to work deeper in your relationship and bring some intimacy back to it.
By intimacy I don't mean sex, I mean bringing back the complicity and the admiration you felt for each other's qualities in the past.

It is my impresion that quality sex can happen even in the most damaged relationships, but it is just sex. Try to get him interested in seeing you as the admirable woman you are, and he will be more inclined to want to have sex with you.

Very true Pedigree.

Actually malificence, I think there have been a few threads where a guy has asked for tips about how to make himself more attractive to his DW/DP. Lots of men keep themselves fit and well groomed for women. I don't think it's a completely one-way thing.

I am in a similiar situation as you OP. Been with DH 6 years now, married 3 and have no doubt he still loves me. Also no doubt he still must 'fancy' me - or as he points out he couldnt 'perform' if that were not the case.

Now whilst l accept all above l lately get the feeling that our sex life has got in a rut as it seems to be only him that ever wants sex now - l hardly ever feel like it but once we 'get going' as it were it is good. But left down to me l would rather just cuddle and go to sleep every night.

I do know what you mean - l have a poor body image having gained a stone and a half since we met which l cant seem to lose. So now l always feel he wants sex, rather than wants me iyswim. Also confidence is very sexy and l was extremely confident in my body in our first few years as l was in very good shape. Now l just dont want (to initiate) sex as l dont feel sexy.

I think what l'm trying to say is l think you need to feel sexy yourself or confident in yourself at least for a 'good' sex life. I personally hate my DH looking at my body now as l always wonder if he is looking at my flabby belly and thinking back to when l had a washboard stomach in its place .
He says he doesnt think those thoughts but on the other hand l feel he doesnt look at me and think 'phwoarr - get over here now' anymore.

l think the only solution is to somehow get yourself back to a place where you feel attractive yourself (wording of your OP seems to suggest you definitely dont at the moment). Whether that be literally changing your body by weight loss/gain or exercise to one you are happier with or just working on your body image and learning to love the body you have. Sadly l am still battling with the former but if that fails l will have to start working on the latter.

Best of luck, just one last thing - please accept when your DH tells you he still fancies you/loves you etc as my DH occasionally says to me how wearing he finds it to be constantly doubted. I know it's not easy but please try and accept it at face value as that in itself can be a start to making you feel better.

Agree with virtually everything that has been written.
You may want to just check with him that he doesnt have health worries,or something else on his mind such as financial worries.And like others have said,it could be that he is just tired.
It could also just be your perception.I would make sure that you are actually having it less in reality.You could make a note of dates,in case there hasnt really been a decline at all.I have done this as regards one or two other things,and what I was thinking was not actually the truth.