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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can this be fixed? Really need a different perspective...

35 replies

OhNoNotTheHoneyBabies · 02/07/2012 16:49

I have a horrible feeling that there's no good way to fix this problem, but here goes (sorry if it's a bit long!).

I split up with DH last year due to many reasons and we won't be getting back together. I was living abroad at the time and decided to come back to my home town. After just a few weeks I bumped into an old ex boyfriend. We instantly felt attraction for each other and started a relationship (probably far too soon looking back). For the first couple of months we couldn't really see each other much but we sent each other lots of texts and emails. These were very saucy and he said many times how attracted to me he was, how he couldn't wait to sleep with me etc. He made it very clear that he was sexually attracted to me and wanted us to have a great love life. He also said stuff like he had always loved me and I was 'the one'. All this was music to my ears after a very soul destroying marriage.

Fast forward several months and things have changed drastically. He says he loves me and shows affection for me quite a lot. I am in love with him too. Everything is fine except he is just not interested at all in a physical relationship with me. He has no libido and it turns out all that stuff he said was bollocks. His lack of libido comes from bad experiences in his childhood.

I have tried to instigate sex with him many times and been knocked back which has really made me feel like crap, to be honest. I've also tried speaking to him about it, but he gets angry and says that I am sex mad and I'm trying to force him to do it when he doesn't want to. He says that I am a selfish bitch because I want everything my own way.

I do feel very sorry for what's happened to him but also very angry and frustrated at the way things are. He told so many lies in the beginning and made out that he was very attracted to me when he actually wasn't at all. He says that he never wants to have sex and that he will never change this.

I love him and fancy him like mad but having no physical relationship and being rejected is making me feel so sad and screwed up. He says that I should love him enough to except it.

Am I being a selfish cow in expecting him to compromise a bit? At the monent he is the dictator. He won't seek any help either. I'm so scared of being on my own. It's not going to work is it?

OP posts:
Losingitall · 02/07/2012 16:55

If he won't get any help AND he won't compromise, sorry, no it won't work.
Has he had previous sexual relationships? How old is he?

nannyof3 · 02/07/2012 16:55

Maybe think about him, what his been thru and he feels !!!

Alurkatsoftplay · 02/07/2012 16:59

It's not going to work because he doesn't want to do anything about it. If he were bending over Backwards (?) to sort it out then you could stick around, but he isn't so don't.

luzluz · 02/07/2012 17:01

Should not call you a selfish bitch.

Agree he needs to take ownership of the problem and seek help or there's no point. Sounds as if he has not been at all honest with you. Don't waste your precous time trying to fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed.

Original poster
OhNoNotTheHoneyBabies · 02/07/2012 17:01

He has had many previous girlfriends and been married in the past. He has several children with different women (so he must have had sex with them). We had a 'normal' love life for about a month then it stopped.

I do think about him constantly and I know how he feels as I had simialr experiences when I was young. I think the thing that frustrates me the most is that he won't even consider trying to get help about his feelings about sex.

He just says that things won't change and if I love him as much as he loves me I should accept it.

OP posts:
Losingitall · 02/07/2012 17:05

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I'd be all for being patient with someone who was working to resolve their issues, but doesn't seem he's bothered. He says you should love him enough to understand and "live with it", does that mean he doesn't love you enough to get some help.

You aren't being selfish at all!

Original poster
OhNoNotTheHoneyBabies · 02/07/2012 17:07

Forgot to reply and say he's in his 40s. We first had a relationship when we were very young (teens), though it wasn't particularly physical.

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 02/07/2012 17:08

Jesus! Dump, dump, dumpity dump! Now! This second!

The bit about you being "sex mad" made me so Angry for you. He is putting HIS issues onto you. You've already endured one rubbish relationship, get out of this one too.

akaemmafrost · 02/07/2012 17:10

nannyof3 OP sounds remarkably thoughtful of HIS feelings actually, pity he's not the same!

Me, I would have been out the door the first time the words "sex mad" and "selfish bitch" came out of his mouth.

Original poster
OhNoNotTheHoneyBabies · 02/07/2012 17:11

I just have a horrible gut feeling that I've jumped out of the frying pan into the fire.

I haven't really been on my own for a long time (was married for 10 years previously). I think I might be hanging on thinking it's going to get better when it's not mixed with a feeling of being scared shitless at the thought of being on my own.

I feel like an utter cow dumpring him because he won't sleep with me though (it's not his fault he has these issues). It just seems so shallow.

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 02/07/2012 17:17

No it's not! Firstly he misled you about how the physical side would be and now he is trying to put his issues onto you.

It's not shallow, it's self preservation.

HairyGrotter · 02/07/2012 17:18

My ex put HIS issues on to me, over and over again. He would blame me for a disastrous attempt at rekindling our sex life, in the end, I had to call time on it. My self esteem was getting battered left, right and centre.

Unsurprisingly, he turned the whole failure on me and my 'sex mad' ways.

Please, please think seriously as to whether you can take much more rejection, it will crumble you down piece by piece

HairyGrotter · 02/07/2012 17:20

It isn't shallow at all! He will not acknowledge or attempt to resolve these issues, therefore, he is being a div because he is isolating himself and ruining the chance to have a healthy relationship.

Alurkatsoftplay · 02/07/2012 17:20

It's not shallow. It's massive.

droves · 02/07/2012 17:24

Run op , sorry but he's a twunt .

Speaking from past experience , you can't fix a man with issues , and they only get worse , save yourself the hassle and heartache. More time you spend with him , the less time you have to find someone decent ( if that's what you want )

Original poster
OhNoNotTheHoneyBabies · 02/07/2012 17:25

I think I'm going to have to finish it aren't I? I just can't imagine spending the rest of my life with no physical relationship. It seems like such a bit part of what makes things work between two people. He's not going to get help either, so I really have no choice. I do love him though. This is just shit! Confused

OP posts:
HairyGrotter · 02/07/2012 17:36

It is shit, it's also a hard decision when you're in the midst of it all. For me, a relationship has to include the physical aspect, if that doesn't work, that causes issues in the other part!

I feel for you, it's really rubbish :(

earlyriser · 02/07/2012 17:41

He has several children with different women

This alone would have me running for the hills.

HepHep · 02/07/2012 17:45

Am in almost identical situation and I have just split up with them, mostly for the reasons you describe. It doesn't make me selfish. My partner was distraught at how their past experiences affected our sex life and is seeking help actively, but it will be a long haul and I/we can't wait that long. I was never made to feel guilty or sex mad, but at the same time I don't think I felt it was fair of me to insist on a physical relationship because of what they have been through. So I left. Ex understands this totally and we are staying friends. We still love each other very much. However, at no point would they ever have dreamed of saying 'If you love me, this should be enough for you'. What bollocks! He sounds like he might be an idiot as well as someone with a difficult past. They can go together and aren't mutually exclusive.

I also jumped into that relationship v quickly after having my heart completely shattered. In retrospect, that wasn't the best plan.
You cannot possibly sacrifice having a sex life FOREVER for this person, and no-one who was truly nice and decent would demand that you do that.
Feel free to PM me as our situations are so similar and we seem to be at the same point :( My relationship only ended a few days ago and I'm still absorbing it.

Original poster
OhNoNotTheHoneyBabies · 02/07/2012 17:46

He had some children when he was married and another when he was in a long-term relationship. He had another child with someone else that was unplanned and the relationship didn't last long (he said he didn't love her). For some reason I actually feel mad at him because he's obviously had sex with these women but won't with me, though I'm his 'true love'. FFS I'm such a twat for getting involved with him.

OP posts:
HairyGrotter · 02/07/2012 17:48

You're not a twat, he lead you up the garden path with all the 'what I want to do to you' guff.

HIS issue, not yours. He is the one who has these, it is no reflection on you

HairyGrotter · 02/07/2012 17:49

*led...Jesus wept

HairyGrotter · 02/07/2012 17:49

Fucks sake lol! Ignore me

Original poster
OhNoNotTheHoneyBabies · 02/07/2012 17:52

HepHep, it's actually reassuring that someone else has been in a similar situation. I need to face up to the fact that I should finish this realtionship, though I love him and we have known each other for a very long time. He's sitting upstairs just now watching TV. We had a massive argument (again) about this same issue earlier today.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhNoNotTheHoneyBabies · 02/07/2012 17:54

Thanks for your posts HairyGrotter. It's good to know that it's not actually me being a cow. Sometimes he manages to twist it all around so I feel like I'm in the wrong.

OP posts:
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