since newborn ds came home all we do is argue!

[Wigglewoo]

I'm so fed up.

We have a ds who is now 3 weeks old and I have a dd aged 9 from a previous relationship. Dh and I were desperate to have our own child and were referred for ivf but conceived naturally whilst on the waiting list.

The pregnancy was difficult. I had birth trauma very severely from dd's birth and fought to have an elective section this time. I got this in the end bbut during the surgery I was found to have undiagnosed placenta previa, massive blood loss and had a transfusion. All very dramatic.

At the hospital dh and I were elated ds and I were ok and everything was rosy.

Coming home everything has been horrendous. Neither dh or I are coping withh the sleepless nights, we never have a moment to ourselves as ds is one of those babies who doesn't settle (despite swadding, sling etc etc tried everything) and we are just arguing non stop. Both of us feel we tell the other what to do. I can't relax when he is settling ds as I feel so on edge so I have to leave the room and pretend I'm busy doing housework etc.
Dh promised he'd help with night feeds but the reality is he isn't quick to wake up so I end up waking up anyway and doing it all. I can't bear to listen to him faffing about and moaning so its ended up I'm doing the night feeds (which in reality I will have to do mostly anyway as he's back to a demanding job on weds).

I'm starting to feel really resentful about everything if I'm honest. All this is just hard work and no joy. Dh have said about two words to each other today as we are both grumpy and snapping at each other.

How do other couples cope? :(

not sure there is an answer to that one other than the classic - with time!
What you are experiencing sounds pretty normal to me. Its horrendous, and exhausting but you just do get through it and things settle down.

I think with my first it took us about 15 weeks or so to really get into the hang of it and up to then we were at each others throats. I used to moan at my DH for not doing enough, then moan again when he did help cos he was 'doing it wrong'! Poor chap couldn;t win. Sleep deprivation is the worst.

Do you have family or friends who could come over to help out a little bit, even if its just for 30 mins so you can have a nice bath or prepare a nice meal?
I used to refuse offers of help as i wanted to prove i could do it all. With my second i accepted all the help i could get and what a difference it makes.

Hang in there, it will get better x

deep breath! Your baby is only 3 weeks old, and what you write are pretty normal adjustment pains... you are doing the right thing by letting you rDH settling the baby by himself without looking over his shoulder. Make yourself a cup of tea when you get those times off.

Otherwise I would give the usual advice like: make sure you can catch your breath and be happy for the baby (not saying that you aren't, but the joy they also bring is hard to forget sometimes). Can you get a babysitter for an hour (while baby sleeps and you and DH can go to the local pub or a quick meal? Just some time to reconnect... your relationship has gone through a lot of changes and you need to make sure you keep your bond.

In case you feel often anxious and down talk to your GP, maybe you have PND?

But mostly, don't expect too much of yourself!

Congrats on your new arrival btw!

Just grit you teeth is my advice. A newborn baby is hard work and this is his first (I'm assuming), so it's all a big shock to him. As it's been nine years since your last one it's probably been a shock to you too as you do forget just how knackering it is to be deprived of sleep and have to carry a baby around who doesn't settle.

It gets easier - so take it one day at a time. Try to be kind and civil with one another. Try to get out of the house each day - even if it's just to go to the corner shop. Sleep when the baby sleeps, if you can. This phase is short - thank goodness - but when you're in the middle of it it doesn't seem that way.

Sympathies, wigglewoo - I know exactly how you feel. My first baby is three months old, and the first few weeks were absolutely horrific, so much so that I can hardly bear to think about them now, when we're both adoring our son and managing far better. I was hallucinating from lack of sleep/hormone crash, and terribly upset at failing to breastfeed, and I really resented the fact that my life/mind/body felt as if it had changed utterly, while his hadn't. He was the same person with a baby, still connected to his old life, while I didn't even recognise myself any more, and was deeply in mourning for my former self.

You're both struggling and shocked, however longed-for the baby was - and your birth was also traumatic - do try to be kind to one another, and bear in mind that this awfulness will pass. Your baby will smile and coo and sleep and grow, and you will manage all the feeding and settling etc that feels so burdensome now with ease.

Congratulations!

Thanks. I really hope things do get better :(

Seriously wondering what on earth we were thinking now :(

Its so hard to feel positive about anything when its an endless wheel of feeds and screaming baby. I wish I could fast forward past this stage.

Dd is the only one excited and overjoyed about ds now and that is spurring me on. Dh and I just look at each other like the world has ended. I feel angry feeling like that but its so hard when you've been so used to having so much time as a couple.... Sigh.

Ok I think you need to set out a proper division of labour. So he doesn't bother properly with night feeds so say you do the night feeds and he does say 6-11 each evening so you can have a bath and an early night. He does the food shopping on the way home from work - easy to throw together stuff so you can put together an easy meal while he deals with the baby. Do you co-sleep? That can help with a Velcro baby. Any spare cash for a cleaner one hour a week?

Be open with each other about how hard it is. Reassure each other that it will pass. Keep talking. And the practical stuff Erik suggests. Try your very hardest not to compete.

Thanks. I would struggle to go to bed before 8-9pm as dd goes to bed at 8.30 and I need to spend time with her too... At the moment dh and I take turns to put her to bed and read her a story.. We are trying to keep things the same for her etc... I don't want her to feel resentful or replaced by ds..

There is an added complication in that dh has terrible ibs which is worse at night so he struggles to look after ds every evening because of this :( so effectively I am on my own :( saying that he's been hands on with him since 4pm today when he's been really restless so its not like he's opting out...

I am not co sleeping but this is something I am considering but I get into such a heavy sleep I'm not sure how to do it safely...? Tips appreciated.

I've been doing our food shop online.. So that's one less job.

I think the main issue we have is just the lack of adult time to have a conversation .. If I'm going to bed at 9 with baby after dd has gone to bed and we're both up with them first thing then where's the time for us???

We don't have anyone to babysit - no family nearby etc.

I just don't want it to get to the stage where we don't know each other anymore and all we do is argue about nappies and lack of sleep.

Your op sounds like me and DH when DS was born! I found one thing that helped me trust DH to look after DS and not want to butt in was to go out for the morning shopping and leave them to get on with it, and do you know what, they were absolutely fine! I just accepted that DH is a little slower than me to realise what DS wants, but he figures it out and he can manage without me.

With getting adult time together, we found taking DS out for walks in the pram helped as DS always slept in the pram and we were walking and chatting without housework or tv getting in the way. Plus I think you're more relaxed when you're outdoors.

DS is now 6 months old and we are very lucky because he goes to bed at 7pm then usually sleeps through til 7am, sometimes he wakes at 5am, but I just bring him into bed for a cuddle or settle him back down in his cot. The sleeping through coincided with. E not wanting to strangle DH! :o

If it helps, nothing would persuade us to have a number 2 and go through that first couple of months again, lol! As nostalgic as we can be now about the wonder of it all - yea, everything you describe sound pretty normal! It totally does get better - our is LO is only 14 weeks now and life is SO much easier that it was when he was a newborn, you just wouldn't believe it. The sleep deprivation in the early days drives you mental and it'll make you snap at eachother and want to pull your hair out, & in a few weeks you'll both look back and say ahhhh glad we got through that, good for us ! When LO was really tiny we'd just say that every day was a victory! Things will improve so quick

Have you got a motorised swing? If not, get one. Have lots o cuddles with dp and your dd she will be feeling it too x . It does get easier. We also made a pact that anything that was said in temper between the hours of 11pm and 7am doesn't count worked fr us

Totally normal and it really does get easier. DS is now 16 months and when I look back the first few weeks just flew by and yes, I actually cried with exhaustion a couple of times. In the grand scheme of things, a few weeks/months is nothing - not helpful when you are shattered, but hang on to the thought that it does pass. I also think you need to let go of the pressure you're feeling to have adult time, at least for the next few weeks until it gets a bit easier. I found the first couple of months have been about survival. You love your baby more than anything in the world, but sleep deprivation is a killer. Not having couple time for a few weeks/months doesn't mean the end of a strong relationship.

Agree it sounds completely normal and it will pass, you WILL get through it.

Also agree with the above poster - you're stressing too much over this adult time. You can speak to each other while feeding/holding the baby, get yourself comfy on the sofa and put your feet on H lap while he rubs them.

I know it's hard when a good sleep feels like a distant memory, you can't think straight and it feels like your DH is your No1 enemy, but try and stay positive and calm. If you feel you're going to snap or he does with you first then just say something nice or even stupid, it really can diffuse the situation and make you both laughI quite like the word pissflaps :) but obviously not within earshot of DD

when your alone with LO at home, sleep when he does. Even little naps can make all the difference when you are sleep deprived.

Let your hubby do some of the work, he will learn.

Get your DD involved (where possible and obviously if she wants to) to sit with LO, speaking/singing to him if your busy. My DSis has a 3 week old and a 7yro DD and during the day she can hardly get a look in....DD want's to help with everything,fetching changing stuff etc.. and sometimes, after dirty nappy and hunger are eliminated, her speaking and holding LO hand is enough to quieten her down for a little while.

Make a point of getting out of the house regularly, go for walks by yourself with baby in the pram but on weekends get out as a family, it doesn't matter where, a walk in the park, trip to town, the beach, anywhere but do it as a family.

With my own DC I always used to wake them 30 mins before I wanted to go to bed and feed them, regardless of when the last feed was, even if it was 1-2 hrs before. I didn't want to go to sleep knowing I would be up for another feed in 2 hrs time, so by doing this I knew baby had full tum and would sleep a minimum of 4 hours still horrific but better than 2 Once they start sleeping longer then give the last feed earlier.

Hang in there OP xxx

when ds1 was a baby there was a midwife lead baby massage class. I would take ds1 to this from the age of 3 weeks. It was great as I got out of the house and meet other mums who always had a tissue just for me( well felt like it anyway). The other mums also became friends. I remember meeting a friend for coffee one saturday morning with dh. she sat at one end of the coffee shop with ds and took care of his needs( little bugger slept the whole time!!) while dh and I sat the other end and had coffee and cake. I did the same for her. It was great just to spend that small amount of time with each other. maybe do that with older dd. She'll love to be the BIG sister but f anything goes wrong you are just there. good luck and congrats

Just to add that we had the same experience. My older dd is 13 so we had 0 time together alone for about 5 months ( twins are now 7 months).

Got despondent at the beginning about our relationship. I felt alone, we were too tired and stressed out to communicate so everything got internalised and I felt even more alone.

It got better after 2 and a half months. I broke down, told him how I was feeling in a moment of quiet and once it was out in the open it was easier to deal with.

So I would say that what really stings is the effect on communication. And although it's so handy alot of the time to have an older child, it means you don't get any alone time as their bedtime is that much later.

I did go to bed early - before my dd because otherwise I would have been grumpy and in the end there's no point spending time together if it's strained. Even if you went early every other night so you keep to the story routine. I would sleep at 8, he would do the 10 o clock so I would get from 8- 2 which saved my life! (and our relationship!)

Good luck - it will soon get better

Sounds like me and DH a few months ago! (DS is 6 months now). A big part of it is your both exhausted and adjusting, add your changing hormones and it's argument central.

Totally normal. Things change so quickly in these early months that its hard to develop a routine, but before you know it you'll fall into one that will hopefully work for both of you.

We did find that co-sleeping helped dramatically. The way to do it safely is make sure DS is between you, with no pillows or blankets that can cover his face, and don't drink to much before you go to bed. You'll find when he's in the bed with you that you "sense" him. Both DH and I are deep sleepers and we find that we never even roll near him in the bed out of some sixth sense.

And don't listen to anyone who tells you "they'll never get out" we recently moved DS into his own cot (back in with us for the week while were up with him every 4 hours putting him on a nebulizer because of bronchitis :) because he was spreading out too much and didn't want to cuddle or be touched while sleeping, and he went in just fine, not even a night crying.

All I can recommend for the fighting is what worked with me. Take a deep breath, think to yourself "am I overreacting" if the answer is yes, take a few more deep breaths and smile, if the answer is no, have a little argument. I found it a bit stress relieving to have a good yell and cry every now and then. ;)

Firstly, congratulations on the arrival of your ds, and sorry to hear that you're struggling. How are you feeling physically? Do you feel recovered from your section yet?

Things will get better, but you and DH really need better communication and fair division of baby care in place to cope with the weeks or even months ahead.

My DD had terrible colic and reflux until she was about 10 weeks. She had made a great improvement since those early days, but is still quite challenging, especially where sleep is concerned. DH and I cope by me going to bed early, usually about 10 as DD has been going down around 9 lately. If she wakes before 2 then he gives a bottle of milk, if she goes a little longer I bf her. But essentially he's on night duty til 2 ish, then I'm on for the rest of the night til 7, when he takes over again for half an hour while I shower and have breakfast. He leaves for work at 8:30.

Your DH needs to learn to do his share of night time parenting, and you need to try to let go and let him develop his fathering skills. If he moans, ignore or pop in ear plugs. You should both be aiming to get an uninterrupted block of sleep of at least 4 hours nightly. This will keep you sane, and you will be much less irritated with each other.

If you don't get him more involved then your resentment will build and you will burn out. Unless his job involves duties where others would be at risk from his tiredness, then he needs to step up and cope with less sleep than he is used to. This is especially essential if you have no help in the daytime and and can't sleep when baby sleeps. That advice always frustrates me having a DD who fights naps and sleeps best in pram or sling, or on my lap.

There are some great suggestions up thread from more experienced mind than myself, so do take them to heed. A little snappiness and irritation is totally normal and completely unavoidable in these situations but it does sound a bit extreme in your case. Were there issues with the relationship before your ds was born?

More experienced mums...not mind! Sorry, on phone with DD sleeping in lap!

Also, three weeks post partum is just so soon...even if your birth wad uncomplicated you'd still be recovering, nevermind c section, blood loss and birth trauma. You need to be supported right now. Have you considered a post natal doula? I had a great one for 4 hrs a week from when DD was 3 to 9 weeks old. Had to, with no family or friends to help. Not terribly expensive, and great support until DD started turning a corner with the colic and things started getting easier.

Sounds like us with our first one! Don't panic, its only been 3 weeks and you're still recovering. Is it his first? I found that the shock was alot worse for DH than for me, I had prepared myself, probably because I was the one carrying the baby and did cope slightly better although I still felt very resentful whenever DH didn't do nightfeeds (another deep sleeper here!) or had more of a normal life than me.
You've had a failry traumatic labour too, seeing your gp would be a good idea I think.
It's early days and you're not alone in feeling like this (theres a thread in aibu by a mum who is struggling with a velcro baby). We got through it, in fact we had our third 4 months ago, you couldn't have told me that 12 years ago without a smack in the face!!
Congratulations xx

get some help in.
family
friends,
pay someone

I remember those first few weeks with horror. There was a lot of 'what on earth have we done' type chats.

Don't beat yourself up about time for the 2 of you, you will get back to it eventually.

We had a rocking swing - life saver in the evenings. Also co-slept, this saved my sanity, but I was bfing so easy to feed and sleep.

If all else fails, remember 'this too shall pass'!

Three weeks is nothing, but nothing is as hard as sleepless nights, you have my sympathies.

Could you get yoru DH to do one night at the weekend to give you one night off and/or the early morning feed to give you a lie in one day a week.

I found I could cope all week with all the night feeds etc if I knew I was getting some time off at the weekend!

Thank you everyone for your advice and support. We have a motorised swing but ds is a tiny baby and he isn't big enough to sit in it yet! :) I did try but even with a newborn head support he slumps right over ... I am going to buy a vibrating bouncy chair tomorrow and try that instead...

I really hope we can get through this. I'm going to try and hEed your advice and keep the mantra "this too shall pass". (And try not to go slowly mad in the process).

Dh has had terrible ibs today and is very anxious about being sick (his phobia, he doesn't mind others being sick at all just worries that he will be) and has been basically in tears with anxiety a lot of today :( so I've done most of the care for ds and I expect I will do the night too... Dh is very apologetic and says he will make it up to me when he is feeling better... I said I'd like a lie in at the weekend.he did say to me he feels like he's being a bit of a wimp as he knows I would soldier on and look after ds as well if I had ibs but I told him not to worry ...I'm trying to make things better for everyone.

I've recovered ok from the section, I've been discharged from the midwives and apart from the odd niggle I'm doing ok.. Thank goodness! I do feel a bit traumatised by the delivery but not as bad as I did with dd. I try not to think about it too much.. Sometimes I do have flashbacks about losing so much blood and feeling like I was going to pass out on the operating table.

Ds has been difficult today... Well hard work I mean. He won't settle at all unless you rock him for ages. I feel like I'm never going to be able to get anything done. We can't afford help or a cleaner. Our budget is at its limit.

Tomorrow I am going to be on my own with ds as dh is back to work... Will be interesting.

Thanks x

You are just going to have to forget about actual time together to be adults and instead use the 24 hours a day that you do have being nice to each other and not wasting it being snappy, being anxious, and moaning and faffing. If you don't both make a conscious effort to be nice even through gritted teeth you will regret it.

Get a bednest for safe so-sleeping. Look for one on Ebay. Any kind of simple cradle right beside your bed with no gap would work.

Your DH needs to see a gp about his anxiety. If it is so bad that he is going around crying then he urgently needs help.

You need to stop fretting about housework, etc., and stop trying to carry him as well as care for baby and DD. He needs to do something about the GP himself, in other words, about his anxiety and how he is coping.

Try to pick up/tidy up as you go along. The DH can do things like the laundry and keeping the bathroom clean, plus hoovering until you are up to it again. Maybe it would keep his mind off his anxiety?

See if you can get a copy of Dr Sears 'The High Needs Baby' (or maybe it's The Fussy Baby Book). You might like to look at this article and there are many others if you google high needs baby/