since newborn ds came home all we do is argue!

[Wigglewoo]

I'm so fed up.

We have a ds who is now 3 weeks old and I have a dd aged 9 from a previous relationship. Dh and I were desperate to have our own child and were referred for ivf but conceived naturally whilst on the waiting list.

The pregnancy was difficult. I had birth trauma very severely from dd's birth and fought to have an elective section this time. I got this in the end bbut during the surgery I was found to have undiagnosed placenta previa, massive blood loss and had a transfusion. All very dramatic.

At the hospital dh and I were elated ds and I were ok and everything was rosy.

Coming home everything has been horrendous. Neither dh or I are coping withh the sleepless nights, we never have a moment to ourselves as ds is one of those babies who doesn't settle (despite swadding, sling etc etc tried everything) and we are just arguing non stop. Both of us feel we tell the other what to do. I can't relax when he is settling ds as I feel so on edge so I have to leave the room and pretend I'm busy doing housework etc.
Dh promised he'd help with night feeds but the reality is he isn't quick to wake up so I end up waking up anyway and doing it all. I can't bear to listen to him faffing about and moaning so its ended up I'm doing the night feeds (which in reality I will have to do mostly anyway as he's back to a demanding job on weds).

I'm starting to feel really resentful about everything if I'm honest. All this is just hard work and no joy. Dh have said about two words to each other today as we are both grumpy and snapping at each other.

How do other couples cope? :(

Oh I remember my DH's first day back at work, I was terrified! It was so very difficult, DD literally could not be put down without screaming and was so hard to settle. The sling was a lifesaver for me as it took her til about 10 weeks to be ok in bouncy chair or pram. Hopefully your ds will be easier. Try to get everything you need for babycare to hand, make some sandwiches for the fridge and don't forget to eat. It is so rough when you're totally on your own with no family or friends to offer a few hours respite. Maybe look into getting a home start volunteer if you feel you can't cope and need more support than DH can give? Even a few hours a week should be helpful. It really does get better so take care and hang in there!

Second the Fussy Baby Book...highly recommended and very helpful!

Speak to hv.
Ask at local church for volunteers even if you don't go to church . you will be there supervising but someone to rock baby for you while you catch up.
Or students from local college doing child care ?
Home start.
Your dd and her friends wil love to rock him or push him in pushchair
Reach out to people you do know. Someone will have a teenage daughter who will love to t help out for not much pay. If your h can't help due to his illness etc then get him involved in asking for help from the community .

Bless you, sounds like you are doing such a good job. Maybe your hobby needs to 'man up' a little, his ibs is nothing compared to your traumatic birth??
Our DD is 7w and my hubby does night feeds fri & sat as we are FF, at least I know I get a rest at the end of the week. Enjoy all the cuddles x

Thanks for the replies.

Things are much worse now. We had a big row last night because he thought I was looking at him like he was doing things wrong with ds. To be honest I probably did give him a funny look but only because ds wasn't settling and it was making me feel stressed out.

So dh slept downstairs on the sofa and I took ds to bed with me. We haven't spoken all day and now dh is downstairs with ds and I'm hiding upstairs.

We just can't stop snapping at each other. We are both so tired and angry.

My mum came round today and she kept gushing over ds and I found myself gettng really pissed off. There's nothing to gush over its all just hard fucking work. I'm sick of it all.

So now I have to go back downstairs and see dh and ds again and make bottles and get up every 2 bloody hours again and even if dh does a feed the most sleep I will get is 4 fucking hours and I will never have a proper sleep. Not for years.

I don't normally swear by the way I just need to vent.

Ds was awake from half one to 7pm today fidgeting and whinging and just constantly fed and whinged. I'm done.

Your DH actually sounds as if he is being more than a bit precious here, and maybe playing helpless and emotionally incapable, etc., in order to get some attention and get out of doing any real work here -- instead of actually mucking in and taking some of the load off your back he has managed to focus your attention on his emotional state, make you carry him emotionally as well as take care of the exhausting parts of babycare, pay attention to the fragility of his feelings by being careful about the way you look at him () and as his reward to himself for feeling miffed because you looked at him funny () he gets to sulk on the couch tonight instead of parenting.

Thanks. That is how I am feeling too. Although he does have a pretty awful cold... But then I'm recovering from surgery and haven't slept in days!!

I took ds down to him at 6.30am and plonked him on the floor, got him a bottle and said your turn and went back to bed.. I've just woken up and can hear ds is awake again and dh is getting him a bottle. I don't want to go downstairs but part of me feels guilty I've had a lie in but tthen I've only had 3 hours - dh slept solidly on the sofa from 11-6.30am!! So why do I feel bad?!

I don't know how to stop taking all the responsibility.

We had a bit of a chat last night and dh says I'm never happy and that I'm always moaning we don't have any time together but that when ds does sleep for the odd hour I don't want to cuddle or talk to him. That's probably true - an hour isn't long enough for me to relax, I feel constantly on edge. I also said to him that if he had the energy to feel that way then I doubt he was as tired as I am!!

But then I said I don't want to have a tiredness competition. I know we are both tired (although I feel I should win this one!!!)

He aSked what we are doing this weekend and I said probably nothing as we live in a tiny rural village and I can't drive yet. He said its like my life is over as I can't drive. I saiid well there's nothing to do here is there. I know I was annoying him but I was angry. Also what is the point of doing anything when it takes 3 hours just to feed ds and sort everything out to get out, then you have to lug a buggy around all the shops and if you're lucky and ds sleeps then the whole thing starts again in 2 hours. I'd rather not bother. That's not fun to me at all.

He said he would cancel his family coming round on sunday. I said I'd make an effort but he said it would just be a lie so he'll tell them we're ill or whatever. I'm pleased. I don't want them to come round. It means me cooking dinner for everyone and staying up late talking and I just odont have the energy.

Life is a fuck up.

I agree with math. He's in a bit of shock but your life has changed a lot more. I hope he can grow up a bit - for instance cooking the meal himself or ordering a takeaway would have been a helpful way to respond rather than throwing a hissy and cancelling

That said - all is not lost, by any means. Plenty of us have had bad times at the beginning of this process. My DH started coming home a bit late and not calling when DS1 was a few months old. I think he was a bit in shock and revelling against the very real constraints having a baby suddenly creates. Thankfully he sorted himself pretty quick and has been an incredible support and great father for the subsequent 11 years

revelling!!!? rebelling - (Freudian slip?)

Sorry me again. Keep a close eye on your mental state - are you enjoying the baby at all, are you eating OK? Able to sleep when the baby sleeps? Please talk to your GP because there's a real possibility of PND

Thanks ... You're right we could have had a take away...I hope things can sort themselves out. Maybe it is a rebellion as you say.

I'm not enjoying the baby at all. I'm not eating dinner as that seems to be when ds has his most difficult time so how can I eat during that?! I cook for dh and dd and they eat and I don't bother. But I do eat during the day when he has his longest sleeps. Dh is angry with me for not eating dinner but even if he is settling ds I can hear him crying / fidgeting and I can't relax enough to eat. If I do eat I just feel sick afterwards because its so rushed.

I don't know if I have pnd or not. I sometimes wonder if people like to smack the label of pnd on if you're the kind of woman who hates the newborn stage or who doesn't fall in love with your baby... I felt exactly like this about dd and I got diangosed with pnd and put on anti depressants and they didn't do anything at all.I had counselling too and that felt like a waste of timem the only thing that helped was dd growing up and moving from being a baby to a toddler. I don't get anything back from ds at all. It could be a random stranger feeding and changing him and it would matter. He has no awareness so I think why the fuck am I putting myself through all this?!

I'm aware I should very angry and people are going to say I have pnd but I really don't. I just don't want to have to bend over backwards for a baby every 2 hours. If I could have a week off and go back to normal things would be fine. Then I might feel like being a parent to a baby again.

I actually left dd's dad when she was 6 months old for feeling a similar way (and other reasons - he was an arse) as I never had any time to myself and I kew that if I left him he would have her for weekends and so wuld his mum and dad. Someone will come and say "get a babysitter then" but an evening out every so often isn't enough.

OP, I really feel for you. You do sound very down but I have no idea if it's as serious as PND or "just" sleep deprivation. What strikes me is that you are putting so much pressure on yourself, and trying to control everything. You sound so so nice and lovely, but it's time to take care of yourself for a bit. It's a shame your DH has IBS and anxiety, but he needs to take responsibility for his health. Why do you need to cook dinner at all? Can't your DH cook when he gets home, and then freeze a few portions? It's not a lot to do when your DW has just had a difficult birth and has to cope with a fussy newborn all day.He can also make you a couple of sandwiches before going out to work, which you could eat with one hand while cuddling the baby. You both need to focus on practical things which would make your life easier over the next few weeks.

Split the nights, and have a lie-in each at the week-end. He will find his way with the baby and it will help them bond.

Your DS might have no awareness now, but it's not all for nothing. He can't give too much back now, but you are there for him while his little brain is developing. It's definitely not a waste of time.It really will get better, but you need to stop taking responsibility for your DH's health.

Well, that is pretty much what it is like with a new baby though some sleep longer early on. DS might be one of those. But your unhappy vibes will reach DS and possibly make him more unsettled.

Can you not find anything you like doing between feeds, get some good videos in, good books, browse mumsnet.

Stick DS in a sling and watch movies. Stop trying to make him a sleepy quiet baby, just accept that he will be restless at first but do things you like around him. Send DP to get some food you like, preferably healthy stuff and just snack on it through the day. Who cares if you sit down to a proper meal if there isn't time.

'We had a bit of a chat last night and dh says I'm never happy and that I'm always moaning we don't have any time together but that when ds does sleep for the odd hour I don't want to cuddle or talk to him. That's probably true - an hour isn't long enough for me to relax, I feel constantly on edge. I also said to him that if he had the energy to feel that way then I doubt he was as tired as I am!!'

AHA, so it is the old green eyed monster.

I am sorry, but you have a big problem on your hands, and there is a competition, one where you are being set up to lose, not a straightforward tiredness competition. Your H is feeling left out, poor diddums.

Wigglewoo, some people are not going to 'get much back' from taking care of a newborn aside from exhaustion and while I am probably the polar opposite (hence five experiences of newborns) what you feel is normal. Your problem here is a man who is behaving like a dethroned toddler.

Someone needs to speak very sternly to him and tell him in no uncertain terms that it is time to man up. He needs to be a first class husband to you and a first class father to his baby, and that means no more whining about cuddles (wtaf?) or his anxiety or his bowels or whatever. Does he have a brother or parents or a straight-talking friend who could deliver a good swift kick up the arse?

All I can add to this is that your ds may benefit from cranial osteopathy, often whingey unsettled babies are sufffering from the birthing proces - this includes being born by c-sec as it means their heads haven't gone done the birth canal and over the mum's tailbone like they were designed to.

If it makes him more settled/less whingy I'm sure things would seem better/feel easier to cope with.

Hope things improve.

You are right OP, that there's a lot that's crap about having a baby, objectively, and that the lack of support you are feeling will add to that. I know well that feeling of wanting to have a week off - I used to fantasise about getting just ill enough (physically) to necessitate a short stay in hospital.

I think your DH may be jealous, but he's never experienced this before and possibly had no idea of the effect on you. He does need to get a grip soon, though, or you will get properly depressed.

Please talk to your mum and let her know how you're really feeling. I did that with my mum and she came and looked after the baby so I could get some sleep as I was on the point if collapse. You will feel much better if you can get a few more hours sleep and you will be able to feel human again and less on edge. Speak to your health visitor or gp about your baby struggling to settle, it may be wind or colic that can be treated. Don't be afraid to ask for help so that you can rest. Youve been through an awful lot and need to be kind to yourself or you may develop PND. I felt like this at the beginning and it was sleep deprivation that had the biggest affect on me, I felt absolutely desperate but my mums support got me through and just getting some sleep made so much difference. The newborn stage is very very hard and you get nothing back but more crying. But your baby knows your voice and your smell as as helpless as he is, you're his comfort and what you are doing is so important. Things really will get better soon. In a few weeks he will start smiling and responding to you and you will get more enjoyment from him. It's hard not to resent dh I know but give him encouragement when he helps to give him the confidence to help more and make his time with the baby sound like a positive thing, call it daddy cuddles or something and leave him to it so he can just hold him and bond with him. Going for little walks used to make me feel better, the baby slept while we talked and I found it helped to listen to how each other was feeling. Things are still hard now she's teething we don't get time to talk to each other but we try to have a night out a month with mum babysitting. Having a baby is like throwing a hand grenade into your relationship but look after yourself first and get as much help as you can and things will get easier x

Are you able to walk without too much discomfort? Can you take DS for a walk to settle him or better still can your DH take him for a walk while you sleep? Can you eat in shifts? My children always picked evening meal time to be unsettled so DH would cook, I 'd eat while he had DS and then he'd reheat his and I'd have DS or vice versa. He needs to get some medical advice, can he take something for the anxiety about illness?
He sounds very immature I'm afraid to say. It's not a secret that lots of, if not most women have to channel their energy towards their newborn at the expense of most other things. Most men realise that baby and other DC come first.
Also, you could have PND, just because you didn't have it with DD doesn't mean you haven't now. Regardless, this amount of anger is going to prevent you from relaxing and will permeate your relationships.
I hope things improve for you.

Thanks.. That's interesting, I hadn't really seen it as him feeling jealous or being immature... Is it immature to say you miss cuddles and affection from your partner? I'm confused... I suppose part of me misses that too nd I think maybe he is just voicing it more. The stuff with his health is difficult... Its a long running problem. He's seen the gp, they give him anti depressants (3 different ones), he won't take them as he hates taking any drugs as he think they will make him sick - his biggest phobia- and so he won't do anything about it. They have referred him for counselling etc and he won't go. So its a dead end. He doesn't have it every night but when he does he is sod all use to anyone so I can't rely on him to look after ds. He literally gets in a state.
Part of me feels angry and part of me feels sorry for him. He can't help it... But I know he could get more help for it.

We had another massive row yesterday. I told him I was sick of the sight of ds and I didn't want to look after him anymore. Dh was very angry and said "fine I'll look after him then" - and he did basically most of yesterday. I went on strike and refused to do anything... Until about 11pm where I took over as dh suddenly came down with flu and started taking his temperature and sniffling...!! Don't know if he was genuine or not!

He got up with ds at 3am but he was so noisy it woke me up too so I might as well have done the night feed.. He doesn't understand that ds goes back to sleep quicker if you swaddle him and don't talk to him but if I say anything he's likely to think I'm interferring so I had to listen to him pacing around with ds saying "sssshhh" and generally talking to him for an hour and a half whilst pretending to sleep!! How ridiculous!!

This morning I have let him have a lie in as I couldn't sleep anyway so I got up with ds at 6.30 and he's still in bed. Which is fine. I can't bear the way he looks at me when he's annoyed with me (as I said I wasn't enjoying ds).

He keeps wanting to touch me - like hold my hand or whatever and I just don't want him to. I just want to be left alone.

It does sound like you personally really don't like having a young baby being dependent on you, which means these early months are going to be incredibly difficult for you.

I would speak to your gp and/or HV and me honest with them about how you are feeling so you get the help you need should you have or develop PND.

The not wanting to be touched is understandable when you've had a baby velcro attached to you all day you just want some peace, space and quiet. Perhaps you can explain that to your dh?

I hope I haven't come across as being critical I don't mean to I just know how with 3 of my babies it was fine I loved the early months but the one that cried all the time - I went back to work when she was 6 months to get away from the constant crying. It was awful we couldn't relax etc etc etc.

I don't think it's immature to want to cuddle or touch you but if he doesn't take action to deal with anxieties and sickness that impact upon his parenting and everyone else then I think that is immature. If he won't take the tablets, he'll should undertake the counselling. You have a newborn child, a nine year old child and a man child to care for! I know it must be hard for him too but you clearly are struggling and I think he needs to stop hoping tears and half-hearted gestures will change things.
I feel for you do much because you sound so angry and upset.

'Is it immature to say you miss cuddles and affection from your partner? I'm confused...'

Yes it is if that seems to be the only thing you are thinking about a few weeks after your wife has had a baby who won't settle and who clearly is exhausting her, and if you find the time to go around crying about your ibs and your anxiety while she is recuperating from major abdominal surgery and not getting any sleep at night, sulking because you think your sleep deprived wife gave you a funny look, and all the while you are managing eight hours of sleep a night -- I would call that taking the piss.

Ridiculous is indeed the word for the performance he put on at 3 am.

Hi wiggle. Forgive me if I don't get all the facts right. I too have new baby who is 6 weeks old. I have to say the last week things have changed and she is going longer between feeds. The last few weeks have been hell sleep deprevation is a killer. If someone had come to take the baby I would gladly given her to them.

My dp is trying to be supportive. But is at work in new job so I am trying not to be competitive with tiredness.

I had Pnd with my son. I know this is different I'm exhausted but it will soon pass.

Let others help. I find if I can get 4 hours sleep and bits around it I can cope.

Keep talking. Do is missing 'us'. Again in a few months we will have more time together

Hang on in there let others help and keep talking to anyone who will listen