Toxicity: please someone talk me down!

[twinkletwinkleoldbat]

Arghhh. For whatever reason, I have agreed to let my thoroughly unpleasant parents come and 'drop off' my dd's birthday presents tomorrow. Last time they came here I was so wound up beforehand that I felt ill and ended up locking the front door in case they came early and walked straight in.

The visit was awful. They brought 6 carrier bags full of Easter eggs (in June - hadn't seen them for ages) and sat there telling the dc who each one was from. Most of them were allegedly from 'Uncle X' - the complete turd/my 'brother' who pushed my ds last year, if anyone remembers my other thread. There was lots of 'Uncle X sends you a GREAT BIG HUG'. As soon as my dc escaped went out to play, mother came to me and hissed "Did you hear? (your ds) said he sends Uncle X a big hug!" This was just to provoke me, as they then unleashed a tirade complete with finger jabbing in my face. I asked them to leave, they refused. I left them sitting there and left the room.

Since then, my grandfather has died and I saw them at the funeral. It was ghastly, but as Lovely Huggy Uncle X wasn't doing anything, I supported my parents at the graveside as I thought was only appropriate.

Now I am faced with a visit tomorrow and am feeling tense beyond belief. It is my dd's birthday and I should be focusing on her, but instead, I admit, I am petrified. Someone please talk me down - they will do the whole Uncle thing again, and also use my grandmother as ammunition, asking when I am coming to their house to see her. Answer being the 32nd of Nevertober, as Uncle X will be there. She is also pretty toxic and started a row on Xmas day.

I just need to stay calm - so difficult though. Any ideas?

Thanks for reading - am mostly offloading.

I find the best way to be calm is to have an action plan for all outcomes and mentally rehearse it :) Fore-warned is fore-armed and all that. The passive agressive stuff about not-so-nice uncles you can probably ignore. Finger poking and agression means you push them firmly out of the door. Practice a few good lines. 'If you're going to behave like that you can leave now'. 'You seem determined to get yourself permanently excluded from my home'. Do you have a partner than can help you?... bring a big pointy stick along for emphasis?

Thanks Cogito I often write scripts for things like phone calls as I am on the nervous side. My dh is out at work when they come - they do that deliberately. He said I should invite them on a Sunday when he's in, but tbh I'd rather have a late afternoon midweek spoiled than the whole of Sunday. (Our only day off together)

I thought of saying to my dc afterwards that this stuff is just their opinion and that we (me and dh) think differently.

Probably shouldn't say what I would like to do with the big pointy stick!!

Why did you agree to let them come?

If DH can't take the time off, I would honestly call them and cancel.

They caught me on the hop this morning, phoning as I was trying to get the dc out of the door. I said I'd let them know about tomorrow.

The real answer is 'cos I am more chicken than KFC.

I refuse to see my parents unless my DH is there, yes it cuts into 'our' time but it's far less stressful.

Do you think I should tell them 6pm then, as he will be home? I don't know. They have a history of keeping the baby from her bed as long as possible and then deliberately staying put and making loud noise if I put her to bed.

I'm making excuses, aren't I?

Are your parents similar MrsTrellis? And does it work ok?

Have you any loud and merry mates with DC's that could visit at the same time and dilute the toxicity?

My Dsis's MIL is horrendous, but whenever she visits (from another country so not too often) my Dsis has our family and her friends on a rolling rota of visits.

We all go in smiley and chatty and play VERY enthusiastically with the DC's (MIL would rather poke herself in the eye than take her feet down off the sofa and actually interact with her GC's so she just observes and can't make any negative comments)

It's the only thing that gets my sister through the visits

I agree with Cogito, call and cancel. They sound like nasty destructive people and you need to develop a mental arsenal to stop them catching you on the hop again. You have a right to say no to them. I definitely wouldn't let people like that be around my children.

Would you consider counselling?

You could be really evil and get them to come at 6, and then have a babysitter booked for 8 - you could then say at 7 "Oh I have to get the baby settled for the sitter" and then escort kick them out of the house at the same time as you and your DH head out for a nice meal?

Let on it is something prebooked with friends that you can't change (so they don't decide to accompany you)?

Then here's your opportunity to take back control. 'Tomorrow isn't convenient but Saturday suits us better'. No big explanations required. Statement of fact. You end up in the driving seat, they are a little inconvenienced, and the sand on the power-balance shifts a little in your direction.

I call it the 'Joan Collins' method... developing your inner Diva. You know how these high maintenance glamour-types boss their minions around and everything has to be just so?.... getting upset that there is fizzy not flat water in their dressing room? If you're the chicken type that likes to please, I think that's the kind of attitude you have to work towards. Always change things a little, just to make a point. Be more demanding, even if you don't really care. Cancel on people just because you can. :)

I have been referred for therapy, but I know it will probably be a long wait. Last time I got counselling, (years ago) it brought up all sorts of supressed memories that I am still processing. I said that this time I need some work on confidence and self esteem.

Onthebottom I thought of that, it's a good idea. Can I do that to my friends though?!

Cross posted!
GENIUS idea about the babysitting......I like it. And there would be stress relief at the end of it.

Will talk to dh tonight about rescheduling.

NHS therapy for such things can take an age and you may perhaps only receive six sessions. BACP are well worth considering in this regard and they do not charge a small fortune.

Have you ever looked at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages?. There are links on there at the beginning of those pages that could well help you further.

Re tomorrow call them now to cancel their visit. Tell them as Cogito suggests that tomorrow is not convenient. DO not get into any long and drawn out conversation with them as they will them use that against you.

I can imagine how you feel. I know I had years of horrible mental preparation for parents visits, then endurance, then time coping with the fallout, until the next time. It ruined speicial occaisions for me and now I don't combine them with dc birthdays as it was too damaging for me. Self preservation, to be able to be a good mum to my dcs.

Plan ahead, even if it is to simply leave the room when they start. Recognise how many hours and minutes you have to get through. Have something treaty to look forward to for the evening when you can relax. Be strong, and come on here to offload anytime.

"For whatever reason, I have agreed to let my thoroughly unpleasant parents come and 'drop off' my dd's birthday presents tomorrow."

Like many adults who were and remain victims of such toxic parenting, you are perhaps still trapped in the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. Either one or all of those feelings may have come into play here.

Also calling you at a time when they knew you were going to be busy was a deliberate act on their part.

Attila Absolutely right. Brought up never to complain, always to say yes to everything. Pisses me right off that I left home nearly 20yrs ago though, and am still behaving like I'm going to get a slap.

I lurk on Stately Homes, usually typing out replies to people, then thinking it is no help to them whatsoever and deleting. It's been helpful reading though.

Thatlldo, snap. It's as if "if we can't be the centre of the special occasion, we'll spoil it for you" We went to my inlaws for Xmas for the first time last year and my grandmother phoned up raging on the morning as my dc opened their presents. But we did have an extremely good day.

"I lurk on Stately Homes, usually typing out replies to people, then thinking it is no help to them whatsoever and deleting. It's been helpful reading though".

Your replies are so worth putting out there in that forum.

Please do continue to lurk on Stately Home and post on there too.

Thank you :)

twinkle I do feel for you. It can be done but it takes determination and resolve. These two ingredients will grow as you need them, you would be surprised what you can do if you give yourself permission to do it. I often look at the types in this world - Joan Collins being one_ and ask myself "would Joanie stand for that"? In most cases she wouldn't so I find a way to make it OK for me.
don't be nervous, any outcomes are their responsibility. With my own mother I know that which ever way I jump will cause hassle and "trouble", so I put it to the back of my mine and jump anyway. Fear is a form of control. Don't buy into it.

Defiantley only let them come when your husband is home. I wouldn't be on my own with them especially after last time, your letting yourself in for a fall and it will make your anxiety worse in the aftermath of what they say to you,

In answer- I don't think they like it During term time it's not an issue because we are busy after school, in the holidays they have grand plans but I am learning to be very non-committal. "ah yes we must meet up" and then not suggesting dates, ignoring email demands. We usually meet for a birthday at the end of July, if they push it, I just make sure I write fake appointments every day in my diary to "prove" I can't meet up during the week.

Excellent strategy! We are genuinely too busy except in school holidays (cue lots of huffing and "you're so HECTIC!!" Er nope, just a large family who have to work odd hours and several jobs. I seriously don't think they have a clue what it's like, or have forgotten.
Spoke to dh tonight - he says if they call back, invite them for tea at 5.30 and he'll do an early shift so he'll be home at 4.30 and foil their plan to catch me in alone by coming early.

Hi. Another daughter of toxic. There are many of us out there.

You said up thread that you told them you would get back to them with a time. Then your DH said 'if they call back'

So maybe they will wait for you to call them, and as your DH said, wait for them to call you.

If you are up for it and have caller ID I would screen the calls and not answer. Or answer really late when it's too late for them to come. Then tell them to dop the present off when you aren't at home.

These are a coup,e of ideas you can use to take back the control.

Good luck

Hi Aussie thanks, yes I think getting caller ID is the way to go - I will sort that tomorrow. Can't be answering the phone to potential customers with a tremble in my voice. I've already set up filters to send their emails to archive.

I told them I'd have to delay a visit as my ds is ill. They came anyway. They actually marched through the door at 3.30 today while the poor kid was lying on the sofa. Text my dh and he came home. Now they're gone, thank fuck. Arseholes.