need a hand to hold for a minute please....

[DoingItForMyself]

stbxh just texted that the DCs all want to stay there again tonight, despite DD being in tears yesterday that she wouldn't see me tonight if she stayed again and DS2 didn't really want to go at all yesterday.

I feel like the minute they're out of here they've forgotten about me and I feel so lost without them.

H said "its entirely up to you, I told them its your decision" but its not is it, its theirs because if I object I'm being mean by not letting them stay with him.

I know its good that he's finally stepped up to being a dad after all these years of neglecting them, but I'm in tears as its just do unfair that it took me throwing him out after telling me he couldn't cope with being around them for him to start showing any interest in them.

Meanwhile my whole world is crumbling as I've always been a sahm, looking after them was my main purpose and when they're not here for a night its so hard. For 2 nights its awful. I never wanted to be a part-time parent, that was his job, but I feel like I'm being squeezed out and he's still getting the best of both worlds, 5 nights on his own and a couple of evenings of being superdad.

I don't want to take it out on them, but I feel so betrayed by them after everything I've done that they'd rather be with him

"I'll never be able to commit to a regular activity, as I'm still working around his stupid shift patterns. It shouldn't be like that should it."

No, of course it shouldn't.

Lets have a look at it - you're organising your work around the children (tick). You organise your spare time around the children (tick).

He's not organising his work around the children - he's organising the children around his work (how convenient)(in fact, he isn't, he's getting YOU to organise the children around HIS work). Can't comment upon his spare time.

Yes, get 'normal' contact days sorted out with him. If he's due to be working then, he can sort it out - he's an adult with responsibilities. It will be better for the children - they'll know that they have eg Friday and Saturday nights with him and come home on Sunday after lunch (or whenever). BUT if he does have them then he will have to agree to making sure they've done their homework when at his.

Have just read all the posts so big hugs for you !
The advice has been excellent, however, I am in a similar situation, ie shifts dictate when ExH can have DC. It is easy to say 'no exH should make arrangements himself if it falls on his time' however, as the parent who they live with I can't take the chance of him not picking them up so it is a catch 22; I can't plan to do anything if he says he can't have them as he just won't turn up!!! He has all the cards in that sense
Likewise with hols; he just books about 6 weeks a year with OW and that's that ... he just informs me he can't have the DC!! What can I do????? Nothing!!!!! I struggle with the unfairness of it all ... mainly for my DC as his priority is obviously not them and for me and my ability to rebuild a life, ie have a holiday with my DP that doesn't fit around him!!!!

Yes but I guess that's why it's better to get a formal agreement with regard to contact. If ex is constantly messing the children and you around with his demands, it's not a good situation for them or you. Less contact but on a more regular and reliable basis may be a better solution.

I think its difficult as I don't want the DCs to miss out, i.e if we say his 'days' are Fri & Sat then there's only one week in 7 that he would actually be off on those days, another week he may finish at 5 on the Friday or be working until 9pm and home by 10pm - what arrangements could possiby work around that which don't totally mess with the DCs? Neither of us have parents alive, so no granny to pick up the slack and I don't want the DCs to be shunted from childminder , to friend to neighbour just so that I can prove a point :-(

I'd love it to be different, but I can't see how it will be until they are much older. I almost have to act as if he is not in their life, arrange my days around them and get babysitters sorted for anything I want to do and then any days he does are a bonus.

Ive got a similar situation in that STBXH is self employed and most of his work comes in on the day. So he wont/cant commit to every Wednesday after school. If he does then he takes her to the park and brings her back at 5.30pm. If he cant make Weds, then he tries to make another day.

I dont want to be awkward, but I am also self employed and have to book my work for the month/2 months ahead. So I have to make childcare arrangements and if he then decides he is free to see DD, he will just have to lump it if its not convenient. If I have paid for childcare, then he cant just swan in and take her off!

I have asked him to have DD in the holidays but he cant due to work, so I will go ahead and arrange the 6 weeks work/childcare and he can sod right off!

Arrange it to suit yourself.

I have told H that his shifts have caused a lot of problems in our relationship/family and his response was that even if he could, he wouldn't want to work mon-fri 9-5 as 'that's what everyone else does'.

He likes to think he is so unusual and 'different' (for which read 'superior') but actually he's just anti-social and has no commitment to his family - wow what a great attribute to have.

I think I just have to give him enough rope to hang himself - he is keen to show what a superdad he is, how he is willing to have them stay with him 2 or 3 nights a week. I'll just encourage that and enjoy the eery silence peace and let him run himself ragged trying to prove that he can do it all, even if it is disruptive and irregular for a while.

Doing - how about 'your nights are friday and saturday. However, I would be happy to swap either or both of them to a (insert two other days of your choice) if you let me know at least 2 weeks in advance that you would like that arrangement. Please put this in an email because it is easy to lose track of phone conversations' ?

That would give you potentially 3 days that you would definitely have them - and flexibility on the others, but still leave it up to him to sort it out himself.

You also need to make sure that the children know of the arrangements, and are aware of the fact that you're not restricting them seeing their father and that he's got plenty of opportunity to have some flexibility with arrangements within reason.

Apparently he has told DS that he will be home from work by 8pm next Saturday night, so if the little ones are still awake then they can go to his after that to stay the night until Sunday/Monday.

Is that reasonable for a 5,7 & 12 y/o? To me that seems a bit late to be faffing about with all their stuff, it also means I'm still responsible for doing their dinner that night, giving them baths for school on Monday (his place doesn't have a bath!)

No, definitely not - I presume that the youngest will be in bed by then normally? He can pick them up first thing the following morning.

Well bedtimes are a bit of a moveable feast in this house, but generally around that time, yes! Its just a bit disruptive isn't it. But now he's sown the idea in their heads I'll come across as a spoilsport if I say no.

The next time it will be 8.15 - then 8.40 - soon he'll be demanding to get them out of bed at 10 or later.

Sometimes mummies just have to be spoilsports though, either when children can't have something or when it isn't good for them to have it. That's responsible parenting, that is. If their dad promised them a leopard cub from the zoo or ice cream for breakfast every day you'd have to say no. It's not a fun parent competition, it's the sometimes thankless task that is childrearing in the real world.

Good point Annie

DS1 was asking to go swimming in the river with his mates at the weekend. I flatly refused and was called the worst mum ever etc, much wailing and shouting, then for the first time (of many to come!) he said "Daddy would let me, its just because you're so mean, I hate you".

I suggested he text daddy to ask his advice on the matter (knowing full well - as did DS I suspect - that his answer would be the same!) but he didn't bother in the end.

I'm going to have to steel myself for lots of this aren't I!? Mean mummy v lovely daddy who lets them stay up til all hours because he's too buy working to see them at a normal time

that was busy of course

you got it !

this is how it's gonna be

and this is why you have to decide in advance what your boundaries are wrt to STBX messing you about

his latest proposal doesn't sound great, and already you are predicting you will be seen as the bad guy if you say no

that's exactly the position your STBX wants you to feel like you are in !

so, don't own it ! Say no because it's best for the dc and leave it at that.

the gloss of being superdad will soon wear off, you know that, so hang in there and don't be made a mug of in the meantime

Ah, my lovely DCs were all super loving and affectionate when they got out of school! DS2 walked home holding my hand and kept looking at me like he hadn't seen me for weeks (it feels like it!). DD gave me a huge hug and said how beautiful I was before going home with her friend to play and even DS1 let me kiss his head while his mate was here, then as soon as he'd gone he came inside and cuddled me and said he loved me.

Almost makes it worth being without them to feel so loved

DD said she felt a bit sad and she didn't know why and that the learning mentor (teacher who deals with children who have 'issues' took her and a friend to the 'special sensory lovely room of aromatherapy & cushions & stuff' to listen to a story. Should I be concerned?

aww, eventually you will treat your child-free times as a lovely relaxing time just for you

eventually

has DD been upset or unsettled in school do you think ?

it wouldn't be a big surpise, tbh

I'll have a chat with her teacher tomorrow. I know they did go in groups to the special room at the beginning of the year to have a little look and chat about what they do there, but as it was only 2 of them this time I wonder if they're just keeping an eye on her to make sure she's ok, along with the other little boy.

She said they talked about what they'd done at the weekend, had a story about a giant and then made wishes (hers generally revolved around Rapunzel, but also a big garden with grass and flowers - which neither H nor I have!)

She has been a bit feisty at home, shouting 'no' every time I ask her to do anything and crying at the drop of a hat, so I wouldn't be surprised if her usual (very sensible and mature) behaviour at school has given way to a little bit of non-compliance.

My DD was the same crying at the drop if a hat but she settled down again. She tells everyone she meets that her daddy has gone to live somewhere else and role plays with her toys about missing him. I was worried about her but apparently it is good that she is talking about it as it means she's letting it out .

Talking to the school is a good idea. I told DD's teacher when STBXH moved out and they kept an eye on her and said she was fine.

We just had lots of cuddles snd reassurance that I wasn't going anywhere..

DD's teacher said that she was talking openly and quite positively about the situation, about how they have been to stay with him etc. and that she seems fine. The visit to the lovely sensory relaxing room was something other children have also done, partly in preparation for moving up to yr 1 but also for a few (herself and the other child) who may be feeling unsettled at home, but she says there are no issues to worry about and told me to look after myself too, bless her.

See how well you are doing by your children ? You can do this x