need a hand to hold for a minute please....

[DoingItForMyself]

stbxh just texted that the DCs all want to stay there again tonight, despite DD being in tears yesterday that she wouldn't see me tonight if she stayed again and DS2 didn't really want to go at all yesterday.

I feel like the minute they're out of here they've forgotten about me and I feel so lost without them.

H said "its entirely up to you, I told them its your decision" but its not is it, its theirs because if I object I'm being mean by not letting them stay with him.

I know its good that he's finally stepped up to being a dad after all these years of neglecting them, but I'm in tears as its just do unfair that it took me throwing him out after telling me he couldn't cope with being around them for him to start showing any interest in them.

Meanwhile my whole world is crumbling as I've always been a sahm, looking after them was my main purpose and when they're not here for a night its so hard. For 2 nights its awful. I never wanted to be a part-time parent, that was his job, but I feel like I'm being squeezed out and he's still getting the best of both worlds, 5 nights on his own and a couple of evenings of being superdad.

I don't want to take it out on them, but I feel so betrayed by them after everything I've done that they'd rather be with him

OP, please do read the links, especially with regard to finance and residence/contact. If you are both happy not to rush into a divorce then you have plenty of time to make sure you are well prepared - and you will need to be. Don't forget that you need to do this to protect your children's future as well as your own.

To be perfectly honest, I would find a family law solicitor sooner rather than later. At the moment, everything is fine and will continue to be while you are agreeable and fall into line with all of his arrangements for a quiet life (just as before). That won't, and can't go on forever.

It only takes one disagreement to change everything.

Which links Olgaga? Would really appreciate some advice on this, but situation is probably unique wrt to finances/working patterns etc so not sure how much I can glean from other people's experiences.

try not to see it as they would rather be with him. Its all new to the DC's at the moment, so would seem like a novelty to stay there, it doesnt mean that they dont appreciate you.

I know it is hard, it is gutwrenching to see DD every Sunday sitting in the window waiting for STBXH to turn up and getting so excited when he drives past. But of course she only sees him once a week so is bound to be excited about it. i dont get the same reaction because I am here all the time, lol. and she does come back and say that she misses me when she is with him.

My counsellor suggested that I was rushing into divorce and that I needed to be stronger emotionally so that I can deal with it, but after my second session she could see that I was doing the right thing for me.

But if you dont need to rush into it, then take your time to be strong enough and get the financial and legal advice that you need so that you know exactly where you stand on everything.

Because I work from home a lot, I have been using Sundays as a day to work in peace when I can motivate myself off the sofa and it then gives me more time to spend with her when she is here. This wont be the case for ever, she starts school in September and I should be able to do all my work in the week then and be there for her all evening and Saturdays and have Sundays to visit friends and family etc.

Thanks Skye. They all just phoned me and said "you're the best mum ever for letting us stay another night! " and how much they loved me. I tried to be positive, but my voice started cracking when I spoke to DS1 and he said I don't need to worry about them as they're all really happy and having a great time (I never doubted that for a minute - that's why I feel so bad!!)

Then DS2 said he had a list of stuff he needs for school tomorrow (drinking straws, kitchen roll tubes, cardboard etc) that he missed as he was off ill last week. I said can't daddy sort this out for you, but apparently no, I need to cobble together a bunch of craft materials and hand it over tonight when they come past for karate - so I get to see them for a minute at the door and then they'll bugger off again

aww, I know its hard. It may be that they want you to think that they are happy so that you dont worry about them, like your son said. They must feel torn between the both of you. my DD feels guilty for leaving me when she goes to her dads :( so I just reassure her that Im fine.

Its all just a novelty to them, its like a holiday, in time they will get used to it and the novelty will wear off and it will just be routine. and when you know they are with their dad, try and visit friends and family, or go swimming or shopping, anything to keep yourself busy. It does work.

Swimming Skye - thats a fab idea. I might go now! x

When H first walked out I met him every Sunday and he took DD and I went swimming. It did make me feel better and its something that I cant do with DD so I tried to see it as a good thing to be without her so that I could have some time to myself, as that was something I never had. my friends all go on about "me time" but it was always family time to me!

the craft stuff for school ?

that is an example of you facilitating his superdad act, like I mentioned above

you should have just said no, if the decision is that you stay at dad's dad has to take on all the responsibility, not just the the bits he wants

you really must nail this sooner rather than later, or you will be micromanaging his access, doing all his planning for him and feeling more and more resentful

If H had asked me I would have said no, but it was DS on the phone and he's quite sensitive so I didn't want to upset him by saying no, let daddy sort it out. I did say "can't daddy sort it out for you?" but he said no he hasn't got any of the stuff and as I do have a drawer full of straws and a recycling bin full of card I may as well hand it over. I will let H cut it all to size though, as it was all "8 x 8 piece of card with a 6x6 hole in it..." so I'm sure he can cut a hole out.

I was half thinking of going swimming as Skye suggested but public swim is 6.30- 7.30 when he is likely to call round to pick it up. Would I be mean to not be here, if I text the DCs first to say I'll be out. I don't want them to be disappointed but it will kill me to have them turn up on the doorstep and then walk away again

No , go for it! Leave the items in a bag by the front door, in the porch , whatever, and go and enjoy yourself - you deserve it! The DC's will be fine, plus will serve as a good distraction :)

Oh I get you OP. I have been divorced for 6 years. y ExH has the kids every other weekend. He's never paid a penny in support, and I'm the one whos worked bloody hard - 1st to buy him out of the house, and then to feed, clothe, take them on holiday, sports, music lessons etc.

My 13 yr old DS is quite cool, streetwise, and "puts up" with his Dad. My 10 yr old thinks the sun shines out of his arse.

Anyway, he said it was unfair that his Dad had so little time with him, so we agreed that when it was Dad's weekend, DS would stay Fri/Sat & Sun night. This weekend was the 1st time it was to happen. I get a call on Sat from DS to say he wanted to come home and stay here on Sunday.

So I think my advice, as tough as it is is to let them go, they''ll soon be back.

Thanks Losingitall. In some ways I'm hoping that's the case, but in others I just want to get used to it and be happy for them all spending lots of lovely time together even though the selfish bastard has never spent half an hour with them voluntarily and I worry that he will give me less maintenance because of it grrrrr!

But I know what you mean, I have to let them find their level of involvement - its still such early days.

Its just breaking my heart as DD is going to her friend's after school tomorrow, to be without my 5 y/o from Sunday afternoon to Tuesday evening is so out of my comfort zone, but I know I'll get used to it (& she will too). I specifically picked that date out of all the ones on offer to make sure she didn't miss time with her dad, as the other dates were all 'his' days. Wish I hadn't bothered now!

I replied to his message about 24 shift changes in the next 2 months thus:

Thank you for the information, but I don't really need to know the ins and outs of every shift you work, I just need you to tell me which days you are having the children.

If any changes to your roster occur after agreeing to the dates you will have to find alternative arrangements, as I will be planning my days around the children, as I always have, and will be using the days when they are not here to plan other things.

Send me a list of dates that they can come to you, I will check on the calendar whether they have any parties or other commitments and send you a finalised list with details of anywhere they need to be on your days.

Does that sound fair?

no, no, no

make your dc arrangements around what suits them despite him

am I banging my head against a brick wall here ?

if a playdate (or whatever) falls on a day they see their dad, then he sorts it

end of

oops, cross posted

my last post was in response to yours of 16:49

and your response sounds perfect

make it clear you will not move heaven and earth to make it easier for him

I will do from now on AF, I just didn't want their first few times visiting him to end up actually being at someone else's house!

Much as I want him to sort himself out, I don't want them to miss out on going to friends' houses or to his if they want to, so I'd rather plan that for my days and then I can reciprocate (he definitely won't).

phew, that's ok then!

doing I

I have just realised you are struggling to deal with his narcissistic tendencies in general (well, no reason for me to remember, tbh) so I answered your questions on this thread at face value

I am sorry for being a bit bossy following my lightbulb moment though

my apologies x

Have read through briefly so I hope I've not misread!
My XH also expected me to work around his shifts but I soon saw the light. We agreed on regular and consistent contact and then if we chose to go out or work we had to arrange sitters.
If XH has the kids say, Friday and Sat night, you NEVER deviate and if he's on shift, he sorts it.
Being a part time parent (mum OR dad) is NOT about juggling the dates to get 'quality time' for yourself. It's about juggling work, school and home life.
Don't get suckered into his shift ruling your life still even though you're separated, unless it suits you.

s'okay AF, I'll let you off! I know you're a 'tell it like it is' sort of poster, so I won't take it to heart!

Thanks Mush, perhaps that's how I'll play it in the future. For now I'll see how things pan out. I was only thinking on the way home from my swim just now, I saw a load of people in a running group and thought "I'll never be able to commit to a regular activity, as I'm still working around his stupid shift patterns. It shouldn't be like that should it.

On the plus side, I managed to pull at the swimming pool! Well, I had a little chat with a v sexy man who smiled at me as he left - that's good enough for me

Glad you enjoyed the swim. I met people swimming too , same faces every Sunday morning and after a couple of weeks people started to smile and chat.

Never pulled though

Hi DoingIt sorry for the confusion, I thought I had posted the information here but it must have been another thread!

I prepared this a while ago, for yet another thread about divorce. Get reading, there is tons of background here which you will find really useful:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links

General

Read everything you can get your hands on. Get familiar with the language of family law and procedure and try to get an understanding of your rights BEFORE you see a solicitor. Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

If there are children involved, their interests will always come first. It is the children?s right to maintain a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent (NRP) ? not the other way around. Children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents. Parents have no rights, only responsibilities. A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order (?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance),

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:

www.resolution.org.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if any recommendations or feedback exists.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question. If you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

static.advicenow.org.uk/files/benefits-and-livingtogether-2010-11-1161.pdf
DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights are further explained here:
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you can, and take copies. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

CSA maintenance calculator:

www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Parenting issues:

theparentconnection.org.uk/

Support for women

www.maypole.org.uk/
www.womensaid.org.uk/
www.gingerbread.org.uk/

Housing

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships

(If you are not in England you may need to find the appropriate link on these websites).

In relation to your particular the contact issues, you are quite within your rights, as other posters have pointed out, to insist on regular and consistent contact for the children's sake. Your ex needs to understand that while you will be sure the children have what they need for contact periods as far as you can, he also has to deal with the children's needs as they arise when they are with him. It is a situation which will evolve.

You are in the best position to know which days suit the children best in relation to the demands of school etc. Choose the dates which are best for them, and stick to that. If he is unable to fulfil his obligations then he loses that time with them - you cannot be in a position where you are constantly swapping dates to suit him.

This will become even more important as the children get older and have homework etc. to deal with. There has to be a routine which suits them.

Remember it's not about his right to see the children, it is the children's right to have a meaningful relationship with their father. That is perfectly possible to achieve during a set routine of contact - if he chooses to arrange his life around them, as parents should.

Thanks very much Olgaga. That's really helpful.

I must have seen those links elsewhere as some of them are showing that I've clicked on them but will definitely have a proper look through them all.