I just want to talk to. We are struggling

[pud1]

i have been with my dp for 16 years and we have 2 Dds aged 2 and 4 who are lovely but hard work. I am a Sahm and dp has got stressful job. All this is effecting our relationship. Neither of us are happy but still love each other. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and he left with very little patience after the stress of his job. We are very close to splitting up. I feel like I am trapped. I can't face the idea of going it alone but don't want to carry on the way we are. I am thinking that I need to go to the doctors To see if he can give me something to relax. We are talking through our problems but I don't see how we can change things. I feel like I am living in a big dirty black hole.

You sound a lot like me - length of time together similar, as are ages of DC! It's hard for so many reasons. I've got no real solutions sorry. Do you WANT to stay together? DH and I want to stay together, and believe we can make it through our problems. I sometimes think that's half the battle.

It does get a little bit easier when one of the DC go to school, which I assume will be September?

You have my sympathy, me too although no DC. I don't want it to end, he doesn't (I think) either but we're totally stuck in a rut and I have no idea what to do or how :(

I was thinking of starting a thread like this today too - similarly DH has stressful job and is away a lot I work PT with 3 DC at primary school but feel I have to do everything and DH swans in and out as he pleases plays on the computer and has no time for me and little time for the DC.
I know he loves us but is so stressed he can't make the effort much to show it - I can't remember the last time we had sex and actually it's as much to do with me as I'm not interested as he gives me no attention and mostly stays up later than me.
Lat night as i went to bed on my own again even though DH was home - I thought I needed to find soemone to have an affair with because I want someone to pay some attention to me.
Sorry not really hijacking as much as saying I'm in the same boat and will be hanging around to see if anyone can suggest a solution.

I do think that we want to stay together but we have drifted so far apart since having Dds. We never even laugh together anymore. It all feels so sad.

Maybe we are part of the solution? Not in a 'women are responsible for the marriage' type of way, but in a support for each other type of way. I could fully understand why someone in my position would decide to walk away, but equally I can understand why they would stay and try to stay together and would give support either way. There's 4 of us here already....

Can you find some time to go out just the two of you without the DC - it doesn't work when we're at home as DH is attached to the computer but when we are out together it just reminds us why we are still together - can you get a babysitter or friend / grand parent to have DC even for an afternoon doesn't have to be evening - often a bit of time alone together can just remind you what its all about.

xposted chitchat I think you are right - TBH I am stressed with work things at the moment so am just as bad at the effort thing - I feel like I don't see why I should be the one who has to make all the effort I feel like I'm doing everything else - I also feel neglected which doesn't help.
I know someone has to and as it isn't going to be him it's going to have to be me.

And it does take effort, and so much of it! Going out together is an obvious solution, and I do try to make that effort. But the difficulty in organising childcare all the time just makes me groan at the thought of even going out somewhere!

We talk, but don't seem to hear each other. DH certainly doesn't seem to hear me. I don't even want to count the number of times I've told him something, thought he had listened to me, then when I make reference to it later he says 'What are you talking about? How did that happen?' etc. Clearly he HASN'T heard any of what I've said.

That's one of the problems. Gps have the Dds every Friday over night and we don't even make the effort to go out or enjoy each other company, we just sit in like a pair of miserable gits. I know loads of couples would kill for a night off a week and we don't even make use of it.

I started a v similar thread earlier. pleasestop I know what you mean, I know we both need to make an effort and I try to but he just can't be bothered. It's come to the point for me when I'm starting to resent it as I'm getting nothing in return though.

If I do ask him to do stuff I'm accused of nagging. I don't know what to do.

Has anyone found date nights really help? I tried it and had the odd nice night but that was all. No overall improvement.

pud - that's part of being in a rut though, isn't it? Maybe instead of focusing on every Friday night it would be better to focus on A particular Friday. Book something that YOU want to do, be it theatre, a comedy show, a restaurant that you've been itching to try. Plan for that and don't worry so much about the intervening Fridays.

I know that when we get into a really bad rut I find it easier for us to go out with a few other people. DH tends to 'fake it' with others, and by doing so seems to brighten up. Very much the 'fake it until you make it' - he does seem to 'make it' without even realising and we connect with each other better (at least for a little bit!) after that.

Another one here, this all sounds so very familiar.

I know i am in a rut. This is why I feel that I need to drag myself out of it before trying to work on us. It might be that I am just struggling with 2 pre schoolers and I think that a trip to the doctor might help but am worried about going on any type of anti depressant

Ok pud, what do you want for yourself? Mind you that's not the same as what you think would be good for you. Things that would be good for you feel like bloody hard work, and looking after 2 preschoolers is hard enough as it is. What do you WANT (and feel up to instigating)? Would a catch up with other mums with children help? A morning cuppa with a friend without the DC? A pamper evening for yourself? A chick flick dvd? Taking a junky novel into the bath and lying there reading it, topping up with hot water when the water gets cool? (A personal favourite of mine! )

Was in same stale relationship with ex miserable cunt wish I would have left. Stayed twelve years too long. What a waste. I'll never be genorous with myself again. I'll never date a man again. Ever.

I am not sure to be honest. I just feel like I don't recognise myself anymore. A bit of weight loss and grooming would not go amiss as well as a few good girly nights out.

This sounds so familiar.

I'm upstairs just fed dd to sleep. He's watching footie downstairs. Had a good day today with friends. We tend to do v well with friends around us but the moment we're in the car on way home it all goes silent, or we start arguing.

Ironically when DS was recently in hospital and one stayed in and the other stayed home, we communicated better.

I just feel that I have to constantly remind him to do things. Just wish he'd do things without nagging. It took 8 years and a house move to sort out his insurance. It took 2 redundancies to change his crap bank account.

He can't do the food shopping because I need to get him the shopping list even though he knows as well as me what's missing.

He cares about the garden... Which is well and good but I take care of food, clothes, daily things and schedules and guess what? I also working bloody full time.

Last week there wasn't any eggs. It happened to be his day off. And I had to ring on way home to ask if he had bought some. And of course I was the one to stop to get some.

It all seems so trivial (what? Arguing over who gets the eggs???) but I've been umming about posting for the last few months now. Seeing others post has spurred me on...

I think it's about you as an individual...I think we forget that we matter and everything is too often about other people in our lives. It's too easy to drift in what we thought was a safe harbour...the sea's change....always

If I was ever in this position again and had lost hope and faith to this sort of degree....my first thing would be about getting myself into a confident, happier place, change the things I wanted and could change about myself and move forward personally. My working on this would change the way I walk into a room, talk, facial expression and the energy I was bringing into a room.....

As my own confidence and happiness grew...it would help me to not feed into other peoples negativity and let it bring me down anymore...

I would along the way be contemplating what is best for me and my future and my position in my relationships with others.....

when a positive energy walks into a room...you feel it and embrace it, have interest and want to gravitate towards that energy.....you can do that for yourself and maybe that will ignite a different view from others and they will want to be around you and will naturally seek to be with you too....

we are all responsible for our own happiness...it is nobody elses job to give us that....and not anyone elses responsibility if we are not happy within ourselves....1st rule I think

oh, i could have written this with a few minor changes - it almost makes me feel better about my situation. That sounds so incredibly selfish doesn't it. But it just makes me see that being a parent, surviving financially at the moment and just getting thorugh is hard, its really bloody hard and maybe if i just hunker down, grit my teeth and try and remain positive we can get through it because other people have similar problems. It is very easy to look at other families and think "but look at them, they seem so happy" when you just don't know what goes on behind close doors (pardon the cliche).

Maybe you need to make a rule about those friday nights !!! That you DO something. Even if it is hire a takeaway, fall asleep in front of a dvd and shag like rabbits in the morning. I am in that group of people who would kill for that opportunity but i suspect that we would do similar. It reminds me ofa sit com i saw once with ardal o hanlon in it, two harrassed parents, hired a hotel for a couple of hours for some illicit sex - and SLEPT!!! it was so true!!

Are you putting yourselves under pressure to be "happy"? I think we do this and its a road to misery - stop comparing yourself to other families, you do not have to be "happy" all the time - this advice is as much to me as it is to you.

I am sure you will get through this.

Sounds like we're all in such simalr places - IKWYM about making it feel better it's always worse to believe that everyone else has much better relationships.
I know I've been a misery guts recently - work stuff has got to be an emotional rollercoaster but I have an interview on Thursday and if I get the job I know I'll be happier in myself.
lady so me too - DH has been working away , came home Sat pm left this am for another week's trip. Sat on the computer left only for meals - not preparing or tidying the DC help me with that - and a few moments of interaction with DC - not preparing for bedtime just going up to say goodnight or sitting on sofa watching DVD with them. Sort of wondered why he came home actually as I caught him sighing when DD interrupted his game on the computer to show him something - he'd have been better off in a hotel without us interrupting him. When he left this morning I couldn't wait to see him go - but he did apologise for 'not really being here this weekend' so that makes it alright then does it
So while he's away I'm going to sort out my own life this week starting with my new job - I work on the basis I am essentailly a single mum as I get no help or assistance with the DC and the home - then when I am happy in myself decided whether or not I want DH or not. TBH I feel he is just another kid really - and I'd like a DH. My problem is that we are comfortable live in a nice house in a nice area and the DC go to school up the road and are happy- if I left him all that would go and I'd end up financially struggling and carting DC off to DHs every other weekend. Not sure I can face all that- so it's aprice I pay to stay unattended to, giving without receiving anything in return............(what's the point?)

Why do we do this?? To be fair to my DP he isn't lazy around the house and is brilliant with DD, but still there is just something missing. I don't want to split up, i just want it to be like it was? I'm 41, i should probably grow up.

How are you today pud?? What can we do to put things right? all of us that is? Our men maybe need to make changes but we cant force that, i wonder what changes we can make to make ourselves happier and maybe just maybe it will reflect in our relationships?

doggie I'm 42 - I'm just wondering if all our DHs may be of a similar age and heading towards / having midlife crises - or is it that we have been doing the DC work thing and lost track of our relationships -
so what's the plan ?
Let's set up some ground rules for pud and anyone else who's joining in.

I like the idea of booking something to look forward too - just for pud to make her feel better and then perhaps also for pud and DP so they can't spend their friday night on the sofa.

So *pud what are you going to plan - let us know if you need some ideas.

Hmm, sounds as though we're all roughly the same age - some closer than others (looking at you Please!).

I don't work, my DH's work is so demanding that he needs to be able to do early starts, late finishes, travel at a moments' notice. Goes for days without seeing the DC. I just feel it wouldn't be fair on them to not have me around either. And, TBH, I think if I added any extra stress to this relationship the cracks would get too big.

Right MY first task - is to make my bedroom my haven. At the moment our house is a bit of a building site. All of the building has been done, but all of the decorating has been left to me, but with DC2 at nursery only 3 mornings a week it is very slow going.

DH is also finding it very stressful living like this, and doesn't enjoy coming home to it. But our weekend time is so precious that we don't like spending it on large DIY jobs. I've made some progress today (until I put a nail through a water pipe ), and hopefully within the next 2 weeks I can have my 'haven'. It is something that will have a huge positive impact on both myself and DH.

Pud - what will your task be? Please, what will you do that will bring some positive energy back to you? doggie? lady? drcrab? mashie? anewyear?

I'd really like to be able to share honestly and not have to worry about what I post. I'd like to go somewhere 'quieter', if any of you are willing to join me. PM me if you're not sure what I'm talking about.