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Original poster

Think I am about to be unreasonable re: DSis, would appreciate advise please.

35 replies

GraduationNation · 30/06/2012 10:38

Have NC to protect her privacy as a few people know me IRL.

I am really not sure what to do. DSis graduates next week. Have booked accommodation with DP, who now can't come. She asked if it was okay to have our room and I share with our parents as she's going clubbing and didn't want to disturb them.

Yesterday she revealed that she has her first proper BF and it occurred to me this morning that she probably wants my room so she can spend 'quality time' with him. I haven't spoken to her about this as she would, quite rightly, probably tell me to MMOB and that she is an adult. Which is true.

My problem is twofold: I have never met this bloke, he could be an absolute shit (I have possibly spent too much time on this board... have also just read a horrible rape story in the paper) and the big sister in me wants to protect her. I don't want her first experience of sex to be something she regrets - like I do. They have only been together a month (like me when I first had sex) and in hindsight me & then-BF rushed things far too soon because of (my second problem) we were going to be living hundreds of miles apart and so things felt pressured. DSis and this bloke will be living in Glasgow and London respectively. I know what jobs they will be doing and they won't have any free time to visit each other - maybe one weekend in three or four. So what if it ends soon and she regrets it like I did.

There will also be copious amounts of alcohol involved that night.

I was erring on letting her have my room, although I had been looking forward to a quiet night with a book (wouldn't get that sharing with my parents) and she thinks I am not going to say yes because of the book reason. I don't know. I think I need some wise people to tell me IABU... I know I can't a) live her life for her, b) control her but I still feel that this is something within my power to protect her IYSWIM? I think I am just panicking as I have read so many awful rape stories recently and there will be alcohol involved. Any advice welcome...

OP posts:
Alurkatsoftplay · 30/06/2012 10:39

Eh, what makes you think she hasn't done 'it' before?

Original poster
GraduationNation · 30/06/2012 10:41

Should apologise for misspelling advice in the title and also add the BF will be staying with his parents so my room is the only opportunity they will have for any private time.

OP posts:
malovitt · 30/06/2012 10:41

How old is she?

Original poster
GraduationNation · 30/06/2012 10:42

Because I know she hasn't - she lives like a nun. She also came to me a month ago and asked contraceptive advice for the first time... I did wonder if there was a bloke involved at that point. It was clear from our conversation that she had never used contraceptives before.

OP posts:
Original poster
GraduationNation · 30/06/2012 10:43

Shamefully, she is 23. And that's why I know IABU... I need someone to tell me that though Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
GraduationNation · 30/06/2012 10:44

I mean, shamefully in that I should know better, not that there's anything wrong with waiting for the right person.

OP posts:
Toughasoldboots · 30/06/2012 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dprince · 30/06/2012 10:46

Yabu. He could be a shit and she could get her heart broken. But that's her choice to make. He isn't a random. If she wants to have sex she will regardless.
However I wouldn't give her my room. A quiet night with a book sounds bliss. :)

TeacupTempest · 30/06/2012 10:47

Yanbu...well you are over thinking

Has she asked for your room?

squeakytoy · 30/06/2012 10:47

Cant they book a room of their own?

OhNoMyFanjo · 30/06/2012 10:48

She has to make her own decision, you need to stop projecting your own shitty first time onto her.

TeacupTempest · 30/06/2012 10:48

I mean yAbu

Original poster
GraduationNation · 30/06/2012 10:48

Tough My parents/DSis can't afford individual rooms as it's so expensive. I could not afford to get another one, having paid with DP for ours.

Dprince I was really looking forward to it!

OP posts:
Northernexile · 30/06/2012 10:48

YABU. She's 23 not 16!

malovitt · 30/06/2012 10:49

Can't you book her another room?
Where was she meant to be sleeping?

malovitt · 30/06/2012 10:50

In that case, I would give her my room and share with my parents.
It's only one night and would probably mean a lot to her.

HugeFurryWishingStool · 30/06/2012 10:50

Can't she book her own room?

Either way, you're not her moral guardian or gatekeeper of her virginity. He's her boyfriend, why would you worry about rape? I can see that your concerns come from a good heart but she is an adult too. Take her request at face value, she wants the room so she can go out to celebrate her graduation and not worry about disturbing your parents.

squeakytoy · 30/06/2012 10:51

Her bf can pay for their room then!

But YABU to be getting so concerned and involved in her sex life, she is an adult, not a naive teenager.

missnevermind · 30/06/2012 10:53

You tell her that you will not be sharing with your parents as you want your own space in the evening.
But SHE is welcome to share / crash with you when she is done.

Act as though you know nothing of her needing the room with her boyfriend.

You cant live her life for her Wink but this time you can spare her a rushed decision she may not be ready to make.

Original poster
GraduationNation · 30/06/2012 10:55

To answer a few points (sorry the S isn't working properly so my typing is slow... I also need to leave after this and clean a bit but I'll be back this afternoon):

  • She has asked for my room
  • She would not book her own room for £ reasons
  • She was sharing with my parents in a cheap Travelodge room, my room is at the university
  • If her night is 'unaccounted for', i.e. neither with them or me (and my room is really a single one, I was going to sleep on the floor as DP & I also couldn't afford a double room off-campus.... really expensive city), then my parents will not be happy (they are old fashioned/religious and are not really happy about me & DP but have got used to it). I don't think she wants the added Spanish Inquisition so would not book a room with him.
  • Her reason for wanting my room is clubbing. She would not tell me if they were going to have sex. I am the most open/relaxed (normally!) person in my family and everyone else is a bit repressed/uptight about sex, even in a euphemistic sense.
OP posts:
LST · 30/06/2012 10:56

YABU she is 23!

Original poster
GraduationNation · 30/06/2012 10:56

Oh and thank you for being gentle with me - I accept IABU, but I still need to make a decision. I like the idea of saying she can crash with me when she's finished.

OP posts:
glastocat · 30/06/2012 10:58

Oh good grief, she is 23! Let her have your room,it's only clubbing sex. You are waaaaay over thinking this!

Fairenuff · 30/06/2012 11:00

Go back and have that contraception talk again. Just to make sure she's fully prepared. Did you talk about STIs as well? If she's going to do it, she will find a way regardless of whether you give up your room.

glastocat · 30/06/2012 11:12

Contraception? STIs? Really? I mean,she is graduating, so presumably has a bit of sense.

God, I hope no one was thinking so much about my sex life when I was 23!