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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What have I done?

66 replies

agedgoth · 30/06/2012 01:59

I'm on phone so apols for typos.
Husand and I went for rare night out tonight to see some of his friends and pals who were in the band. I enjoyed myself, but not so DH in right mood and won't tell me why until tomorrow. Am home, in tears due to aggressiveness and genuinely clueless why I'm I'm in trouble. Am scared so have taken self to sofa. He says I'm in trouble but won't talk about it until tomorrow. I told him to talk to a solicitor and he said I'm a cunt. I can't see what I 've done to anger him
so much ? Am on sofa tonight.

OP posts:
Idreamof · 30/06/2012 14:48

If the OP earns twice as much as H would she have to pay him maintenance if she gets a divorce? Sorry if stupid question btw.

madonnawhore · 30/06/2012 14:53

In a word, no.

OP should talk to a solicitor about where she stands financially though.

TerraNotSoFirma · 30/06/2012 15:00

I don't think there is anything wrong with what you said actually, It is a fact and was relevant to the conversation.
It doesn't sound like you were making 'kept man' jokes.

Honestly OP, He doesn't sound like he wants to change and comes across as having no respect for you. I would be making plans to leave.

Jux · 30/06/2012 17:48

Oh rubbish op. if it were the other way round, how hurt would you be? If he really doesn't like the disparity between your salary and his, then he can retrain, study, do a million things to change it.

You weren't saying anything but the truth, and neither were you saying it in order to disparage him. He knows that perfectly well - unless he's thick as shit - and was just looking for a reason to chastise you as if he were your dad. Is he your dad? No? Then no excuse other than to keep you under control.

Unhealthy relationship. You have everything to gain by losing him.

nkf · 30/06/2012 18:19

Don't let the "wrongness" of what you did muddy the waters. I think you shouldn't have talked about your salaries in that context. But he should have told you. Fair enough he waited till he felt calmer.

But don't let the fact you made a bad judgement make you feel that he is the man for you. If he doesn't make you feel happy, positive and loved most of the time, then what's the point? If you have kids, maybe it's worth suffering a few more negatives but I get the impression there are no kids.

LemonTurd · 30/06/2012 18:53

Please, please leave this man Sad

He will eventually drain you of all self-respect and self-worth. Sounds like he's doing a good job of it already.

Viviennemary · 30/06/2012 19:02

He had a really well paid job and left it to do something he preferred. Now he seems to be incredibly resentful that you earn more than him. He sounds as if he is somebody that will never be pleased no matter what. I honestly think you should leave and find somebody much nicer, less selfish, and more supportive to share your life with.

ImperialBlether · 30/06/2012 19:41

Surely the debts belong to both partners if they are married? I don't think the OP has to bear them all, does she? Surely if the house is sold, then debts would be paid off and then anything left split between them.

What are the debts for? Did he benefit from the purchases?

happyAvocado · 30/06/2012 19:51

I would suggest you went to a solicitor and discusses separation. Separation is not a divorce - but each of you starts living your own life (financially too). If now you are paying all debts etc - you would survive.
Before doing that - sit down, write all your OWN outgoings + debt payments and see how that would be day to day.
I feel that you would be surprised to discover that once you pay for your own stuff, not for the 2 of you - you will be better off at the end of the month, as if it comes to pay for the house&bills you would pay only a half.

If he resents you now - he would tomorrow, next month & next year too. That is not the right way to have relationship. Hard to be happy to be treated the way he treats you.

AnyFucker · 01/07/2012 20:02

So, you apologised for "hurting" him (methinks he is punishing you about your financial earning advanatage because he deep-down realises he is a cocklodger but wants you to STFU about it) and it still isn't good enough ?

You are very much of second class status in this relationship, aren't you ? Useful for bringing in the pennies and as a verbal punching bag to take out his stupid macho insecuties, but not much else (in his eyes)

he is wrong, but while you continually appease his inadequacy, this is the life you will get

bringbacksideburns · 01/07/2012 20:12

This sounds just the latest in a long line of crapness really.

I'd hate for any man to call me a cunt, but if i was living with him and paying for most things and i knew i had family i would be gone like the wind.

ImperialBlether · 01/07/2012 20:23

Me too, sideburns - why stay with such a disrespectful man?

Original poster
agedgoth · 01/07/2012 21:02

Hello, thanks for all your responses and advice.
Just to answer some questions, the debts are from over a few years and were mainly to cover some of our wedding expenses, IVF (failed Sad ), some urgent home stuff (steam-powered boiler had packed up in middle of winter and whole system needed replacing) and to pay off a higher interest car loan. So yes, stuff for us. Not lots of shoes for me.

Do you know I'm not entirely sure why I stay? I think it's a combination of the thoughts of us having gone through so much together over the years and that maybe we can work through this, the thought of leaving setting a bomb off in our families/friend circles (which makes me feel very selfish indeed), the fear of the unknown and also, not entirely trusting my own instincts. Even when all you lovely people are telling me it's not right, there's a little voice telling me that I'm overreacting. I know that bottom line this has to do with my own self esteem and I really need to work on improving that to begin with. I know I sound insipid and pathetic....I'm annoying myself.

Thanks again xx

OP posts:
lazarusb · 01/07/2012 21:13

agedgoth - you only get one life, cliched I know, but in 10 years from now do you still want to be in this situation? Will it be worth what you are giving up right now? Your self-respect, hopes and dreams? Can you start making plans for when these debts are cleared....see a solicitor, look at alternative jobs & housing. Put yourself first, because he won't.

AnyFucker · 01/07/2012 21:47

how can you "work through it" ON YOUR OWN ?

he has one idea of how your relationship should pan out, and you appear to be labouring under a completely different one

namely, that he will miraculously realise what an abusive cock he is, and start treating you better

not
gonna
happen

Jux · 01/07/2012 22:25

Echo AF:

Not. Gonna. Happen.

The disparity between what the two of you each want from this relationship is greater than the disparity between your salaries.

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