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Original poster

What have I done?

66 replies

agedgoth · 30/06/2012 01:59

I'm on phone so apols for typos.
Husand and I went for rare night out tonight to see some of his friends and pals who were in the band. I enjoyed myself, but not so DH in right mood and won't tell me why until tomorrow. Am home, in tears due to aggressiveness and genuinely clueless why I'm I'm in trouble. Am scared so have taken self to sofa. He says I'm in trouble but won't talk about it until tomorrow. I told him to talk to a solicitor and he said I'm a cunt. I can't see what I 've done to anger him
so much ? Am on sofa tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
agedgoth · 30/06/2012 12:47

I'm still lounging on sofa, drinking tea and rather enjoying having telly to myself. He's still upstairs. I still don't know what I'm meant to have said/done but if it was bad, then I'd like the opportunity to apologise. Damned if I'm speaking to him first though and actually, I'm almost beyond caring. I know that makes me sound like a petulant three year old.

I wasn't wrecked last night so would have remembered if I'd done something unforgiveable.

What's keeping me with him? Massive amounts of debt, rock bottom self esteem and the fact I don't want to be a quitter. I am putting stuff by, looking into jobs/rentals back near my parents. Just seems like a massive leap to make and it would mean losing many people I'm close to. Have been with him all my adult life and although in my head I know I should leave, actually I'm bloody terrified of doing it. He's been my whole world for so long.

OP posts:
Original poster
agedgoth · 30/06/2012 12:48

By the way, thanks for the link Leo. I'll take a proper look at that in a bit x

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/06/2012 12:55

A whole word of belittling, dehumanising and emotional abuse ?

That's a world you can do without

LordLurkin · 30/06/2012 13:08

Christ on a fucking bike!

OP - Your D?H is a real piece of work isnt he? He tells you your in trouble like your some disobedient child, and then wont say why he is acting like an arse.
This bloke sounds frankly abusive and very manipulative.

Do yourself the biggest service of your marriage and run for the bloody hills. This bloke is never going to be decent to you for more than a few days. You deserve so much more than this shit.

veritythebrave · 30/06/2012 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DamselInTornDress · 30/06/2012 13:14

He sounds like a bad habit you need to quit. You say:

Just seems like a massive leap to make and it would mean losing many people I'm close to. Have been with him all my adult life and although in my head I know I should leave, actually I'm bloody terrified of doing it. He's been my whole world for so long.

I promise you, the world is a heck of a lot nicer than you know it to be. Leave him and see.

JustFabulous · 30/06/2012 13:17

Not quitting something when you really really should is no prize.

Get yourself out for the day.

You can't think what you have done because you haven't done anything.

TerraNotSoFirma · 30/06/2012 13:28

Tell him if he has a problem then either discuss it or STFU.

He sounds awful OP, Don't let debt stand in your way and if you have low self esteem I can hazard a guess at him being the main reason for it.

If you left you could get a payment plan/trust deed for your debt and be free of it in 3 years.

FateLovesTheFearless · 30/06/2012 13:38

I wouldn't give him until tomorrow, I would be telling him to fuck off and don't come back. Really, what a moron. He probably needs today to invent something you supposedly did.

clam · 30/06/2012 13:40

If you've no idea what you're meant to have done, then it can't be that bad. So what the hell are you doing even considering apologising to him?

RandomMess · 30/06/2012 13:47

Hope you find the courage to leave very soon, he sounds AWFUL and abusive Sad

madonnawhore · 30/06/2012 13:51

I remember your other threads about this cocklodging wanker. He's abusive and you need to leave him.

This isn't okay or normal and you don't have to put up with it.

Anniegetyourgun · 30/06/2012 13:58

So... you're walking along the street, and you see a man hitting his head on a brick wall. He's clearly been doing it for some time and his head is very bruised and bleeding a little bit. You ask, "Why are you doing that?" "Well," he says, " when I was at school another boy dared me to hit my head on the wall, so I did, and I've been doing it ever since." "Isn't it, er, about time you stopped?" you suggest. "Oh no," he says, "I don't want to be a quitter."

STOP KNOCKING YOUR BLOODY HEAD ON A BRICK WALL!!!

It took me 25 years to learn that lesson. I'm passing it on to you for nothing. Please take it, run with it, and make a good life for yourself.

ImperialBlether · 30/06/2012 14:03

If you are in masses of debt, why are you going away for the weekend with an ungrateful twat?

He sounds vile - really controlling and argumentative.

I imagine he is put out by your suggestion that he should thank you for the weekend you paid for.

Original poster
agedgoth · 30/06/2012 14:13

So, I've found out what my crime was. Apparently I 'hurt and belittled' him on a couple of occasions last night when I was talking to a female friend about how she was worried about surviving on statutory maternity pay.

I remember the conversation well (as I said, wasn't that pickled) and said that I didn't know how 'D'H and I would manage if I was on SMP as I earn twice as much as him and my salary pays for most of our outgoings (didn't state salaries and wasn't boastful) and I didn't think we'd cope on just his wage, but guessed it's one of those things where you find a way and manage and find areas to cut down etc. We agreed that it's hard for women these days and how our mothers generally didn't have to worry about this back in the day, as families are more spread out now making it difficult in terms of helping out, cost of childcare etc etc.

He found it hurtful that I said in front of people that I earn twice as much as him and pay for a lot of things. That's it.

I can see it probably wasn't the most delicate of things to say and that it may have come across wrong, but I honestly didn't mean to hurt or belittle him and never would do so intentionally. I probably wouldn't have said it like that if I hadn't had a beer or two. I wasn't being brash, deliberately boastful or waving wads of notes around (ha!) but just stated it in the context of the conversation I was having with a friend.

I'm very sorry I hurt him as that's the last thing I'd want to do. But actually, I'm also so very fucking angry that he's punished me like this. I said I wish he'd told me last night or even this morning so I could have had the opportunity to apologise - and he said he didn't want to as it would have turned into a massive row because he was very angry with me and his feelings were hurt.

I've said thanks for letting me know, sorry for upsetting you, wasn't my intention at all, embarrassed that I could have said something so uncouth/brash. He said he knows it wasn't my intention then turned his back on me, so apology not even accepted. Wanker. Fucking hell the way he's carried on I thought I must have drunkenly snogged someone in front off him and blanked it out or something!!!

Grrrrr. Fucking mental torturing bastard. He's still upstairs now, sulking.

Am having day to myself and lots of Brew.

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 30/06/2012 14:17

Are you staying with him?

And surely you were being factual?

If he doens't like that you earn twice as much as him tell him he is free to get off his entitled arse to get another job.

Doha · 30/06/2012 14:20

This relationship sounds like too much hard work.

Original poster
agedgoth · 30/06/2012 14:20

Annie Grin what a fab analogy. Makes absolute sense.

Imperial weekend was built around an 'experience' present we were given and is our only holiday. Debt is large, mostly loans and a credit card, but will be paid off by Christmas next year at current rate of repayment. It's just all in my name. Of course Hmm. Worried that if I leave now, debts will count against me in terms of credit references for rentals etc, so may not be able to leave until debt is gone/almost gone? Not sure how it works as have never rented/bought alone.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 30/06/2012 14:22

He is being horrible. But don't think it's wise to say in front of people that you earn twice as much as him and pay for nearly everything. It would be the same whichever partner said it. Still he dealt with it in a really stupid and childish way and no excuse for that. If he does this a lot then you should leave.

sugarice · 30/06/2012 14:24

Is the mortgage/rent in your name or both?

madonnawhore · 30/06/2012 14:36

Hate to tell you but if the debt is all in your name, you're the only one liable for it anyway. He owes fuck all.

Doesn't make a difference if you stay with him or not, the debt will still only be yours. How convenient for him.

This guy is an abusive waste of space. Honestly, what the hell is in this relationship for you? It sounds miserable and expensive.

pinkyredrose · 30/06/2012 14:37

It doesn't matter if you're in debt you can still rent. I'm renting my current place while paying back an IVA, as long as you're upfront with your agency / landlord there shouldn't be a problem.

The fact that you're paying your debts and not defaulting will actually work in your favour as it shows you can be trusted to pay money back.

Please leave this idiot man I can't see what he adds to your life at all.

Original poster
agedgoth · 30/06/2012 14:41

Vivienne I agree, it wasn't a good thing for me to say at all and I've said sorry. I'm quite mortified that I said something so clumsy in front of people and will endeavour to engage brain before mouth in future. I think the punishment was a bit much though.

Sugar mortgage is in both our names.

Until a couple of years ago, his earnings far, far outstripped mine, but he chose to give up that job for one that gave him more free time.

OP posts:
Original poster
agedgoth · 30/06/2012 14:42

Madonna that's what I thought...not too long to go now though and they'll be cleared.

Pinky that's really encouraging to know, thank you.

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 30/06/2012 14:46

It doesn't really matter whether you should have said what you said or not. The bigger point is that this guy is horrible to you on a regular basis and contributes nothing to your relationship.

Perhaps it wasn't very delicate for you to tell everyone what he earns (or doesn't earn). But don't let that distract from the fact that he is being emotionally abusive to you and that is never justified. Ever.