When is it over?

[yellowraincoat]

My partner and I have always had a difficult relationship. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and it is hard for me to trust people and I lose my temper easily. I'm having therapy and it is getting much easier for me to trust. I thought that once I resolved my problems, our relationship would get easier. But it doesn't.

In many ways, I really love him. He is my best friend. Throughout our relationship, he has worked on the things he did that caused us problems (always being late, for example, he almost never is now).

However, he is like a little boy in some ways and it infuriates me. We were burgled about a year ago, while I was in the house. Despite this, he constantly forgets to double lock the door. It terrifies me, I am so scared that I'll come home to find someone in the house.

He never puts stuff away or puts leftovers in the bin. Yesterday I woke up to find a plate of prawns rotting on the living room table.

I have to tell him to put the bin out every week, or I have to do it myself.

He never does the shopping. If I ask him to cook, he starts at 9 and we eat at 10, even though I have to go to bed at 11. He would never think to pick stuff up at the shop and have dinner ready for me.

I had to buy a separate towel for myself because he would use the towels and leave them in a wet heap on the floor. He promised he would not use my towel. I came home today to find it in a heap on the floor.

We had a row about this stuff yesterday and he always says the same thing: that I don't put my make-up back in my make-up bag in the morning. This is the ONE thing that I tend to be messy about but it is literally 4 pieces of make-up sitting on a shelf we don't use for anything else.

So we had a row, I told him I couldn't put up with it and he was driving me mad with his lack of responsibility. And then I come home today and he hasn't flushed the toilet (yes, with a number 2 in it). I am completely disgusted by him right now. Who the hell doesn't flush the toilet once they've used it?

It's time to call it quits, isn't it?

Sorry for the essay, I don't have anyone I can speak to about this :(

Don't have any useful advice/wisdom but it just sounds like a typical man to me! We all have things that other people find irritating and unfortunately that's just life.

Maybe he's just absent minded.

So my options are split up with him (which I don't want. I love him, but he is driving me mad) or put up with him because he's a man so can't be expected to follow basic rules of hygiene like put food in the bin or flush the toilet.

Surely there must be a way of him actually understanding that I don't want to be faced with rotting food and wet towels on a daily basis.

He doesn't seem like a typical man at all.

Some men may be like that but most aren't.
You are, however, the best judge.
If you can't live with it, then don't.
Or accept that is how he is.

Maybe you should stick to being friends but not lovers.

He may learn to take responsibility if you are willing to leave him for that.

The problem is that he is likely to revert at some point and then what do you do?

I know :(

Does he behave like this around other people, OP? Is he thoughtless and lazy towards his work colleagues or his friends?

Forget the 'typical man' stuff - there is no 'typical man' any more than there is a 'typical woman'. He's an adult, so should be fully expected to clean up after himself - that includes flushing the toilet!

It sounds to me like you are making perfectly reasonable requests and he is not going along with them for some reason. He may well be thoughtless rather than cruel but you still shouldn't have to put up with it. It also sounds like he's being unfair by pulling you up on the same thing every time (the make-up bag). The cooking at 9pm when you have to go to bed at 11pm would drive me demented. He sounds very immature and I understand why you're so frustrated.

Lottapianos - he is thoughtless rather than cruel. I know he doesn't do these things deliberately.

sgb - he is lazy with everyone. Doesn't phone his mum or dad or brother for weeks even though they've called him, turns up late to meet people...

He is perfectly capable at his job - beyond capable really. So he'll happily put hours into a work task.

Oh Yellow, this is exactly what we've just been saying in so many words on another thread isn't it

Not sure if he will change now though honey.

I'd be tempted to dump all the filth in his favourite place, be it a chair or whatever and repeat as necessary.

I've recently told my partner to leave due to this sort of crap.

MissF, it is. It is so shit and I'm so sick of being responsible and him saying it's either no big deal or that he'll change and then just not.

I am by no means super tidy, I'm not at all in fact, but he is getting beyond a joke.

I'm off to university in September, so I'm moving out anyway. I just need to decide if it's worth carrying on with him

Stupid Personality Disorder makes it impossible to know if I'm being reasonable or not. I really have no idea.

Well if it's any consolation, I don't think I have a personality disorder but I just couldn't stand it any more.

The straw that broke the camels back in my case was a fox had strewn rubbish everywhere outside the door, he just stepped over it and went to work, didn't even pop back in to say it had happened. To me that just said he didn't give a fuck really. I'd liken that that to the shit in the toilet honey.

Yeah. That sounds like the kind of thing he would do.

'Stupid Personality Disorder makes it impossible to know if I'm being reasonable or not. I really have no idea'

I know how it feels when you're not sure if you can trust yourself and it's horrible. You're doing the right thing asking for other people's opinions. When I read your thread title, I thought 'it's over when one person says it's over'. His thoughtlessness sounds like a whole load of little acts which in themselves may seem trivial, but living with this day in day out must be unbearably stressful. I have been guilty of being thoughtless with my partner by not making enough time for him - when he has pulled me up on it, I've been mortified and have really tried hard to change my behaviour. I could see where he was coming from and I didn't want to hurt him. So I did my best to change. It's really sad that your partner hasn't done the same. You're worth more than feeling that you're his mother or his maid.

Oh and now he's back at his fathers he copes admirably he doesn't turn up looking like catweasle

Therefore it was a case of "She'll do it". It ended up "I fucking won't you know"

Being diagnosed with a personality disorder does not make you responsible for all that's wrong in your relationship. All the more so, because you are in therapy and asking yourself if this is about your issues, or about the your partner's lack of consideration. He sounds extremely uncooperative and unconcerned about the impact of his behaviour on you. In my experience, he will not change, not in your relationship anyway. If he cared about you, these things would matter to him. It sounds like good timing for your to go to Uni. I hope things go really well for you there and hope in time you will find a more caring and supportive partner, who knows how to flush the toilet after himself like a big boy!

Lottapianos, that's just it. It's trivial little things that add up every day until I just hate him. I think most of the niggles he's had with me I've tried to change. He's just not bothered.

kittybiscuits - he won't change. I'm sure of it. He'll change up to a point, ask if I need help with something or whatever, but when it comes right down to it, he just doesn't care. Our house is a mess, if I want dinner I have to sort it myself, he's never cleaned the bathroom or changed the sheets and I just want to hide from him. I don't even want to speak to him any more, that's how bad it is.

Your posts are really helping me. Thank you.

I'm sorry you're feeling so awful yellowraincoat. It sounds like he's little help to you in a practical way. I can understand you feeling so angry that you don't even want to see him at the moment.

What good things does he bring to your life? What makes you feel that you love him? I guess it's a case of seeing where the balance is. My partner does things that make me vaguely murderous but overall we have a very happy relationship and I feel valued and respected and we have lots of fun together so I can try to overlook the irritating stuff. It sounds like at the moment you're getting much more negative stuff from this relationship than positive.

I know how you feel, my OH was like this when he first moved in, he moved from his mums to living with his ex to living on his own for 6 months to moving in here.

He couldn't do much for himself apart from cook and keep the kitchen in some sembelence of order but his mum used to come and do his washing for him!!! I mean his mum even tried to show me how to make his cup of coffee! She got told where to go lol!!

When he moved in here he had no choice but to learn, if he didn't bring his washing down to the washer it didn't get done (cue many an attempt at starting a row over him not having any clothes!) If he didn't do the washing up, he didn't get fed the next day, if he didn't do what I asked him to when he went out there would be another list of things and a night on the sofa (harsh but if he isn't going to act like a member of this household he would be treated like a guest and the bedroom was off limits )

It worked for me and my OH, it wouldn't work for everyone but make it clear to your DP/DH that you are NOT his mother and then present him a list of things that you want to change in the relationship and work out if you can both do these things.

Aalthough to me it sounds like you are already making changes for yourself and working hard to change yourself for the better!

I'd say geet rid, go to Uni and live your life for you and you will meet someone who deserves you and who you deserve!

Good luck, whichever way you go!

The thing is he JUST DOESN'T CARE. If he has no clean clothes, he'll wear dirty ones. If the bathroom is not clean, it's of no importance. If the sheets go weeks without being washed, he doesn't notice.

I am by no means a clean freak. But I hate living with someone who is so manky.

Well yellow he sounds absolutely YUCK. If he's happy being a slob then let him be one by himself sweetheart.

tenzeros - I do not think he sounds like a typical man at all. Even my wanker of an XH wasn't like that.

I have no advice at all, if you don't want to leave him then you will probably have to put up with it. Have you actually told him outright how seriously unhappy you are about it, not just telling him that he hasn't done stuff etc (in mans talk that is nagging), I mean a proper serious conversation about how you cannot continue to live like this??

Yellow, really what is it? Why are you with such a total slob? Do you think that due to your personality disorder you can't get better?

I love him. Really. He listens when I speak, we have a laugh together, I trust him...he is a nice person. Just a crap boyfriend.

It seems I have offended the masses with a touch of humour. Forgive me/shoot me, in future I shall remember to take life far more seriously (don't know the emoticon for a serious face).

At the risk of an even bigger telling off, OP has a personality disorder, I'm sure life is not a bed of roses for him either.

IMVHO if you can't live with someone then leave. Life is far too precious and short to rip each other to shreds due to incompatibility.

Thanks for the support tenzeros. NOT.

No, his life isn't a bed of roses because as you know people with PD are all total twats.

Is this really the thread for humour? I have been with him for 6 years, we've been through so much and he is my best friend. Leaving him will turn my life upside down, but it's all well and good for a giggle, isn't it?