When is it over?

[yellowraincoat]

My partner and I have always had a difficult relationship. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and it is hard for me to trust people and I lose my temper easily. I'm having therapy and it is getting much easier for me to trust. I thought that once I resolved my problems, our relationship would get easier. But it doesn't.

In many ways, I really love him. He is my best friend. Throughout our relationship, he has worked on the things he did that caused us problems (always being late, for example, he almost never is now).

However, he is like a little boy in some ways and it infuriates me. We were burgled about a year ago, while I was in the house. Despite this, he constantly forgets to double lock the door. It terrifies me, I am so scared that I'll come home to find someone in the house.

He never puts stuff away or puts leftovers in the bin. Yesterday I woke up to find a plate of prawns rotting on the living room table.

I have to tell him to put the bin out every week, or I have to do it myself.

He never does the shopping. If I ask him to cook, he starts at 9 and we eat at 10, even though I have to go to bed at 11. He would never think to pick stuff up at the shop and have dinner ready for me.

I had to buy a separate towel for myself because he would use the towels and leave them in a wet heap on the floor. He promised he would not use my towel. I came home today to find it in a heap on the floor.

We had a row about this stuff yesterday and he always says the same thing: that I don't put my make-up back in my make-up bag in the morning. This is the ONE thing that I tend to be messy about but it is literally 4 pieces of make-up sitting on a shelf we don't use for anything else.

So we had a row, I told him I couldn't put up with it and he was driving me mad with his lack of responsibility. And then I come home today and he hasn't flushed the toilet (yes, with a number 2 in it). I am completely disgusted by him right now. Who the hell doesn't flush the toilet once they've used it?

It's time to call it quits, isn't it?

Sorry for the essay, I don't have anyone I can speak to about this :(

Yellow, you have to weigh his personal hygene habits against what you think he brings to the relationship don't you?

Don't be quick to judge. I was horrendously abused for years with things that would make you vomit if I told you and have lived with chronic PTSD and depression ever since. Sometimes a bit of a lighthearted humour helps to lift the darkness of a situation. Nobody is perfect.

OK, well I don't want light hearted humour right now.

And tenzeros, this thread isn't about you. So please spare me the argument. I don't need it right now.

If you don't mind me asking sweetheart, how old are you? You said you were going to uni, right?

You're probably mulling lots over due to the amount of time you have been with him which is a good thing isn't it.

We all have to weigh up the pros and cons every now and again and if you want out its perfectly ok to do so.

Did I say it was? It is a public forum, you posted here, don't attack someone because you did not like their comment and expect them not to defend themselves. It appears you have lots of great advice so I will just leave you to it.

I'm 29. I've already been to university, going back to do a masters.

No one is wrong, everyone just has different opions thats all.

Also I think it depends on what the 'cons' are. If there are 20 pros and 1 con but the con is not something you can compromise on then it is not going to work and you will be unhappy.

Only you can figure that out really!

Well clever you huh Yellow.

Like you said you like him as a friend but you can't live with him which is perfectly ok.

Maybe all that's happening is showing you this.

Woke up this morning and the door wasn't locked. Again.

I wish I could just get away from him. I don't need to see his face. I'm so sick of this bullshit every time.

You sound worn out by the whole thing yellow. He doesn't care, doesn't see mess - fine. But you have told him that cleaning up, being organised, doing his share is really really important to you and he has done nothing about any of it.

No relationship is 100% shite all of the time. There will always be good things, positive things, nice memories (however fleeting) that you're giving up if you decide to end it. It's a case of how much you can cope with - is the good stuff so good that you can put up with the bad stuff?

As another poster mentioned, please don't think that because of your BPD you have to put up with stuff that is making you miserable and stressing you out.

It's not exactly because of my BPD... well not like I feel I have to stay because of it. But it clouds my judgement so much sometimes, there have been times when I've been 100% sure I've been acting reasonably and I look back and I see that I was just pushing people away, burning my bridges or reacting in anger.

I'm going to talk to my therapist about all this on Monday. Thank God for her, she is great.

The good stuff IS great in our relationship. That's why it's so hard I guess. He is really understanding about my condition, let's me talk as much as I like, offers good advice. He's really funny, we like the same stuff. It's just that when it comes to practical stuff, he is shit.

Thank you all for your support. I hope it's ok if I keep posting, please don't feel you have to keep coming back if you don't have time/patience.

OP are you secretly dating my DH? Seriously, sounds like exactly the same man to me, down to the unflushed number twos. Like you I have some MH issues (depression) so I've just spent the last three years of my life asking if it's just me (I'm a bit of a tidy freak) or whether leaving a trail of destruction behind you everywhere you go (albeit in your own home, which you've paid for yourself) is quite acceptable. Like your partner, my DH is a lovely lovely man, he just doesn't get personal responsibility. Unlocked doors, lights left on over night, going to bed with the curtains left open, filthy sheets, all fine by him. It just doesn't register really. It's driving me crackers too. I've lost so much respect for him after clearing up after him every day that I don't fancy him at all and our sex life's dried up. I'm permanently irritated by every single thing he does...

Bloody wish I was off to university in September.... lucky you!

Ah just read the last page of this thread. Sorry yellow that was a shit truth joke... I actually meant it though. I really do wish I was off to university (would love to do a masters!) and I think you're lucky that there's a natural break for you.

If it helps, I'm 40 and have a a DC with my DH... If I didn't, I'm afraid I'd be off myself quite soon. He's lovely, by far the nicest man I've ever met, and certainly the most decent bloke I've ever dated. He loves and cherishes me in every way he can, but he drives me mad and I spend literally every day of my life wondering if I should leave him.

Can you use your masters as a trial separation and let him know why you're doing this? Maybe a couple of weeks / months apart will clarify things for you and you could understand whether you'd be happier without him? I don't think he'll change, so it's up to you to decide whether you can deal with all his shit, unfortunately.