Typed a 2nd huge post. Lost it, again, while Mn went offline. Will try again.
Since then, dondon's post hit the nail on the head re the BJ's, which answers Imperials question re BJ's.
Don't think I'm depressed. One GP said I was, and gave me AD's, which did nothing for me. But that was 3 years ago, when ds1's problems were at their worst, my love for ds was dwindling, because I couldn't understand how my parenting was so wrong. I guess his diagnosis helped a bit to answer my questions.
Since then, most GP's say I am not depressed. I have seen 3 GP's. On the end, they suggested CBT, saying they wer ento sure what else to recommedn. Greta. Lets give you CBT, becaue we don't know what else to do with you.
And my CBT counsellor, who I have just started with, a couple of weeks ago, didn't think I was either. She thinks, like my mum said, I have coped surprisingly well in difficullt circumstances.
I am a good mother. I don't have confidence issues. But actually dh is very domesticated. quite calm, and he probably parents the children a bit better than I do. He doesn't get so riled by ds1's behavior. And he doesn't shout as much as I do.
SO when I said he is better than me, at the parenting, I know thats unusual on mn, but really is the case here. SO, this is not actually a defeatist statement, by a SAHM will low self esteeem, it actually is a fact.
Dana, feelings left. I do love him, care for him. He was the man, who I was seraching for. I just feel a bit numb now. And I know thats not right.
Mathanxiety, all tests have come back negative. All Gp's blame my triedness and lack of sex drive, as a well known side-effect, of my health condtion, which I have had since birth. But dismissing it as low sex drive, is not good, for my marriage, is it? Even my counsellor, said she thought it was pretty normal. I was surprsied by her reaction, I thought she would really go to town, on why I felt like this, how i got there, emotionally, to try and fix this, a bit. But, she did not.
It isn't fair on dh is it? I would never have sex again, to be honest. I'd rather
have a cup of tea and sit down and watch football with dh, than have sex. I just want care and love and attention, but I have no actual SEXUAL desires. But that can't be normal, can it. Its just not right, surely?
DH gets laid off because he is a manager, gets hired by small'ish firms to fix their problems. which he does , very well. and then they tell him they don't need him anymore. WE know this is a problem, We jsut don't know how to fix it. He has tried to get in with bigger forms, so that once he fixes original problem, he could be utilised in others areas. but he hasn't been able to get in, so far. What what extaly, extra qualifications wise, do you suggest?
I think he is a good manager. we took employment advice from a employment/life coach guy. He suggested trying to get dh into consultancy. He has tried. And this too, has been unable to get into.
Most of the mums in the playground, their dh's are losing their jobs every 1.5-2 years aswell. Many of them are managers, directors, managing driectors, and quite few of them are consultants. they all say that the market is so bad. One who is regularly out of work for 3-4 months. And then gets a huge contract for alot of money. But is is very unstable. So when, dh , in passing, whilst dropping off the children, in the playground mentions this all, to them, they all say, 'Oh I know mate, same here'.
So what exactly, job wise, is it that you think he should be doing, that he's not?
Its a bit like our marriage. Realise theres a problem, but just not sure how to fix it.
balloonslayer, he says there is no passion in our relationship. he says we are like brother and sister. He says he wants to make love to me, and he wants me to want him to make love to me. To me, this sounds fair.
Daffy, I don't think I do have self esteem issues. And no I am not a SAHM, who depends on a dh, who tells her what she can spend etc. I have a part time job. We have a joint account. I buy what I want, when I want, and I do not need to ask. within reason. If i see a pair of shoes, I buy them. We never ever give eachother any grief about : how much money either of us spends - actually neither of us spends alot on clothes or anything, anyway. We never give eachother any grief about how much tv/ football the other watches. WE both encourage eachother to go for nights out with our friends/ the lads. We go to the ocassional party together, when we are invited. We have one next weekend. And this weekend we are having friends over for a bbq.
I go out with my PN gropup for a pizza and a drink, and I never worry about , asking if it so.k.. I just say, girls planing night out, 3 weeks , on friday, is that o.k? No problem he says. Always tells me I look nice when I get dressed up. I go out and spend as much as I want, and get a taxi home, a tiny bit tiddly, to his welcome and he asks what went on etc. How is this bad? How are any of you going to turn this srounfd into him being selfish?
And daffy, MY CBT has just started, but to be honest, I am not sure that i have such great hopes for it, but we will see.
You say, I need to get him to lay his cards on the table. But that was what we did the other day. When we had the big chat. And he told me that he would leave, if he could. I have asked him, what he wants, how we are goign to change this. But he says he doesn't know. And I don't know either. And that we had this same conversation 18 mths ago. And we both agreed that nothing has changed. If anything, its just got worse.
I'm not sure I need him to put he is cards on the table anymore. Hasn't he already? Is it that we are too lazy/downtrodden, to have done anything about it, 18 mths ago. So my fear is, if we were too lazy/downtrodden, then, how is it going to be any different now?
I, seriously don't know what to do. Thats sounds so dumb, doesn't it, but I really don't.