Dh says he would leave me, if he could.

[MarriageWoes]

Have namechanged.
Big fight 2 days ago. I lost my cool and was screaming at him.
But he says he can't leave, for financal reasons, because of the children, because neither of us could survive , be able to afford 2 houses and etc.
I said , lots of single parents do. And i asked him to only stay because he wanted to be with me. That I couldn't allow him to stay for any other reason.

I knew things weren't great. They haven't been good for many many years. But I had no idea he felt like THIS.
My mum says that it is a credit to both of us, that we have coped so well, with all the shit thrown at us over the last few years:

I am unwell. Dh isn't in the best of health.
I fight and fight, to get sons issues sorted and to be honest they are never going to get any better and put a terrible terrible strain on us.
I have zero sex drive, not that mine was ever that high, since 2nd birth. We hardly ever have sex. I thought that BJ's were enough, but clearly not. I have seen 3 GP's and they all say that it is common because of my heath condition. Well, thats all very well, but that doesn't help my marriage, does it?
I am so very tired. Always. Apparently this is not going to get much better.
I seem to have become miserable and angry, with all the fighting i have had to do over the last 5 years - fighting health for me, for ds, fighting agencies, and government people, fighting work.
Dh gets laid off every 18 months or so.

We live together for convenience. But thats not good enough is it?
He said, that we had this discussion 18 mths ago, and nothing has changed. It is true.

How did it get this bad? I never imagined 10 years ago, when I met him, that life would have sapped the life out of me. But realistically, this isn't fair on either of us.
I am scared that I am too tired/ill/ lazy/ dragged down by life, to have the energy to make this better.
But, I sure am very very sad about it.

If you're not too private to get married then you shouldn't be too private to go to counselling when the marriage is in trouble. Marriage is about the happiness of two people, not about the comfort zone of one. It is sometimes about setting aside your own preference and doing something for the happiness of another.

Thanks everyone. Can't say I feel any better about all of this. But, will see what we can do.

I think you both owe it to each other to exhaust every avenue to try to make it work before you start thinking about separate houses etc

The sex thing sounds like the deal breaker to me tbh

You say you wish you could feel like a sexual person, have you investigated this specifically rather than going down the 'depressed' route? If your h is prepared to make. Go of it too, couples counselling with this as the issue might help

Consultancy is something you really do for yourself. There are the big firms, but they tend to recruit from graduates of MBA courses and from business schools. Doing it on your own requires devoting a lot of time to networking and self marketing.

Has he signed on with a head hunter?

Does he have a good, smart, professional looking website of his own?

Does your H have any accountancy qualifications?
Communications qualifications?
Any qualifications or experience in IT?
How about marketing? I think marketing would be useful because he could both work in that area and market the product that is himself better. He obviously has expertise and a skillset -- he needs to quantify what exactly that consists of, identify possible gaps in his skills (underselling himself appears to be one), identify potential areas where he can sell his skills and he needs to learn to sell himself as opposed to moaning in the playground with people who are not going to help him get anywhere.

A cousin of mine who works in the financial services sector was able to take a sabbatical year working for a leading charity as part of his professional development trajectory. Has your H explored this area for employment and possibly development of his skills?

Apologies if he has already turned all of these stones...

Have you had your testosterone levels checked? I think you need to see if you could find a sex specialist top look specifically at the issue of your sex drive, if only to find out what is going on. However, I also think you need to ask yourself if you are getting the care and love and attention you need too -- a sex life can't exist in a vacuum. It seems to me you are burdened by a great many problems and you don't feel you and your H carry these problems equally, maybe even a bit let down by him on some fronts.

MW I think you and I are going through a very similar thing.

Our solution? We have decided to live together as friends and be there for our kids... We have dinner together and strict ground rules about childcare. We can't afford to separate not financially or for the emotional upheaval for the kids. I have to tell you that we got on better now, not having any emotional expectation from one another now then we did before.

Maybe something you might explore. Big hugs I was near suicidal before it all came out, it's tough. X