4 months post affair and I have found porn in dh web history on phone from today

[confusedriver]

...should I mention it?
Why is my heart racing?
AIBU to feel a little 'weird '

It depends? How do you feel about porn. Are you porn users? If you've got strong feelings either way does he know?

On a deeper level it could all be tied in. How are things going for you? Is he making an effort?

He is making massive efforts house of x thanks for your reply, things haven't been that active in the bedroom for a few weeks... But part of me wishes he came home and told me? Not sure what I think it just shockede I guess and has started the panic of what if it's another wave of secrets....

Porns never bothered me until now, so I don't know why I feel like this. I think it's coming from the deception of the affair it's bringing raw memories of him not telling me things.

God I feel like crap and I really don't know why

You have explained yourself why it's making you feel bad, so go and tell him. :)

What HereIGo says.

There is a link between secret porn use to infidelity.

This is one of the reasons why porn is a deal breaker for me.

It also diverts energy away from your sex life.

Using porn in secret is selfish - a trait that your H is supposed to be addressing in the aftermath of his affair.

No wonder you are upset

So I ask and potentially get lied to again?
Make out I don't know and just keep an eye on things?

We currently have a friend over so can't say anything at the moment....
If I do say something won't it make him more secretive ? Leading to stuff I can't keep track of???

Thought he was doing so bloody well what a f

We hadn't talked about porn really.... But how many more chances do I keep giving him?

But is that unfair unless I categorically said "please don't watch porn anymore..."

MadAboutHotChoc where is there evidence between secret porn use and infidelity? I have never heard this before.

You both need to talk about this issue.

Did he use porn prior to the affair? How long has he been using it?

I found that doing some research in the realities of the porn industry was the best way of opening my H's eyes to how damaging it is - he then made the decision to stop using it.

If you have daughters, ask him if he would be happy for them to work in porn.

Gail Dines would be a good starting point for your research.

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/jul/02/gail-dines-pornography

You probably, and naturally given his affair, have concerns about his honesty and trust-worthiness. If your DH has had an affair then it is up to him to show that you can trust him now. If he's going to look at porn then that might be fine but it's time to be honest and stop keeping things secret. I don't think it's the porn itself that is necessarily the problem...it's the sneaking about behind your back and secrecy.

This is so hard after he has been trying so hard .....

LeBeaureve - google porn use and infidelity and there are loads of statistics to choose from.

Its obvious when you think about how being secretive about porn makes it easier for one to have more secrets. Also internet porn can be very addictive, leading to more interactive use via chat rooms/web cams and sex/dating sites.

I think an awful lot of men look at porn. Personally I prefer those that are more open about it. No offense OP but you're comment 'after he has been trying so hard' has an element of parent-child about it. He's not a naughty boy who has to try to behave, he's an adult man who needs to negotiate a proper relationship with another adult.

i.e. you...sorry kids came in and I pressed 'post message' too quick.

I think there is a MASSIVE difference between "regular" porn and the type that Gail Dines is talking about in that article. You can't compare images of "a construction worker drilling a jackhammer into a woman's vagina, and one depicting a woman being fed through a meat grinder" to 2 people having reasonably "regular" sex. In my opinion.
Obviously it completely depends on the type he is watching, but I do not consider it a deal breaker.

There are loads of threads on MN about the porn industry but to summarise, many women in the industry are not there out of free choice. Those not trafficked or forced into it, often are very vulnerable having come from abusive backgrounds.

If you want to do more reading then do a search on MN's feminist section.

Many users of internet porn very quickly become desensitised and move from "regular" sex to more extreme types of porn....

I mentioned to dh how I had been reading an article on infidelity and porn and the relationship between the two. He said I can see your point but I can also see another side....

He then freely gave me information saying 'I looked at a porn site today, in my office , on my mobile with Matt, " apparently this lad said we r in the wrong jOb these girls charge 5.00 per minute in the office they had a quick look, a laugh . He said it was nothing and that since the affaiir he would feel guilty as looking at porn and maaturbating as he would feel secretive
He said this was male banter over what these women were earning, rightly or wrongly, and the implications of porn from MAHC are quite an eye opener :( don't think my dh was being degrading in anyway and deep down thankful he offered this information.

Must be a good sign?

God damn affair has taken away my judgement :(

I don't disagree with the discussions about porn, necessarily...but OP wants to know what to do. My own preference is for openness and honesty...but found that some guys not so keen on this! What can she do? Confront him?
Look I know you look at porn, I've seen it on your phone. What else are you worried about OP? Is your question about whether you can accept your husband viewing porn? Or is it about whether he's keeping anything else from you? Or something else?

I agree with a couple of other posters here that porn is in itself not a deal breaker for me, although it might be for others.

I didn't like my ex looking at porn so much because he berated others for it, was very judgmental of others, claimed to be squeaky clean and then sneaked about looking at it himself. But I find it quite refreshing if a guy says something like 'yeah, I was on my own for x years, didn't have a relationship and I used porn' or even a married man 'yeah, I like porn sometimes, you want to see?'.

I do take the issue re the industry and exploitation seriously...and I'm not belittling campaigns against porn, BTW, but saying that there are personal issues here for OP to sort out with her DH, based probably on trust, respect, openness. Once (if) they can address these then maybe can open up a debate about rights and wrongs or porn and possibly ethical porn, if such a thing exists, I'm sure it must.

Cross posted, OP!

I really hate porn and I feel, not substantiated, that it is related to abuse. To be turned on by something which is implicitly non-consensual worries me.

Thank you all so much for your posts, I was so unsure how to approach the subject as always mumsnetters help enormously... To see the the wood for the trees so to speak with such such honesty.

It shook me to the core as he actually hasn't put a foot wrong for the past few months and this 'secret' would have made me probably leave, I think deep down I was so worried because more secrets would be a deal breaker. Porn wasn't an issue before but now it is, his affair has left me questioning myself, my looks, my body......everything! So for him to say all he want is me but to them look at porn, would I think be too much for me to deal with... Luckily it's turned out ok so far x