How to handle Granddad telling DS he's horrible?!

[LaTristesse]

DS is only 2. He had a long grizzly morning today while my parents visited, including a couple of tantrums, not eating his dinner and general whinging. All because he was tired. Me and DM were largely ignoring the behaviour, I was cuddling him and carrying on as usual where possible, but while I was upstairs changing DD I heard my dad telling DS he was horrible, several times (DS was just whining back at him). I'm not sure whether DS understood, but I was horrified.

However (and this is where I'm a bit stuck...), I didnt say anything, and I don't know how to address it now, but I don't want it to happen again. In my parents' eyes I'm a 'good girl' (I'm sure they think I have 'weird ideas' about parenting - cosleeping, feeding on demand, positive discipline etc - but I've never, ever challenged my parents, in fact have gone too far out of my way to please them in the past). How do I tell my dad i don't want him speaking to my child that way without either damaging all the relationships involved or opening a whole other can of worms about how much of a hold over me they have and how much I resent that?

I should probably just grow a pair and tell him to button it in future, but that's very new territory for me. However my DC come first so if that's what needs to happen I'll do it... Any thoughts?

I know it's hard, I have the same problem sometimes. You have to say something, wish I could be more constructive with advice on how. Probably best not to make it personal... So don't say I don't want you speaking to him like that... But more... I'm trying to bring him up with positive discipline so maybe you could say x y z or ignore his behaviour in future.

Thing is, when you have children, you become the parent; it's up to you to protect and defend your children, and you will have to find a way of telling him. Any chance your mum would be more sympathetic? Could you talk to her about it or a sibling?

Id probably wait until the next time he says something like that and bring it up at the time, as i would find it awkward to bring up later. But i am a chicken!

You need to calmly say that you didn't want to make a fuss in front of ds and make it into a big deal at the time and that you can understand how difficult it is to deal with a tired 2 year old but he must know that he went over the top and can't speak to ds like that.

I echo poopoo

(interesting sentence )

However the fact that he said these things to your DS while you were supposedly out of earshot would worry me. Was that a coincidence? If not that means you may not 'catch' him next time :(

Sorry OP, what a rotten thing for you and your DS. I would find this achingly difficult to deal with too, as i was very much the people pleaser when it came to my parents.

It is hard to stand up to your parents, but you owe it to your child to make sure this does not happen again. You need to make it clear that it is not acceptable to speak that that to your child ever again.

Agree with fluffywraggles that the worrying thing is that your dad thought you were out of earshot. I would be making sure that they were not alone together for a while.

I'm going to join in with everyone here and say: you are the parent now, your 'child' relationship takes a back seat.

I'd not shrink from saying "no, his behaviour is difficult/trying/vile but he is not, and that is not a kind thing to say" but then I can do that with my parents (after years of practice!). I think perhaps a note/email to him, saying "Dad I overheard you telling DS he was horrible the other day. I am working very hard on praising or criticising his behaviour and not making a moral judgement about HIM as a person, and I'd appreciate it if you could join me in our plans for positive discipline." Would writing it down help you actually communicate it?

Tantrums, not eating dinner and whingeing makes a kid a PITA, sorry. If you object to the word 'horrible' you say 'dad, please don't call him horrible'.... but don't expect everyone your child comes into contact with to see him through the same rose-coloured specs as you do.

Nip it in the bud now. Cogito is right to some degree, however it is not good for him to go name calling like that.

My friend's mum is just awful to her middle daughter and it has been going on for years, name calling, deliberately missing her out on gifts - mainly because she thinks she is a bad girl, and in truth she is trying but this has been allowed to develop and now they have no bond and granny just keeps on bitching about her.

Man up, and tell him to find a better way of expressing his frustration with the situation.

I spoke up last year to my parents about some behaviours that we're upsetting me, after years of biting my tongue and it was the best thing I ever did. To my amazement, once their initial shock at being 'picked up' on the actions receded our relationship got much better.

Perhaps you could say in a v by-the-way voice "DF, could you help me please? As you know yesterday DS was acting horribly because he was overtired, you called him horrible rather than his behaviour horrible. Could you help/ support me in steering his whining into another activity like reading a book together please?"

It's ok for your father to express his feelings at the behaviour in his house just to be a bit more constructive with it. Grandparents, or any extended family, can be v supportive in managing behaviour, involve them and explain clearly how you want a situation consistently managed and that you value their input and consistency in how you are doing things with your child.

X-post with Sitting Bull. Echo simple, direct, etc

My friend's DS came home after a music lesson and said (very proudly)... 'Miss Treble-Clef called me a brat!'. There was a bit of an awkward pause but the truth is, he is a brat.

Cogito obviously never heard of labelling theory then!

You're quite right, what is labelling theory?

That labelling a person becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy! That's why it is sensible not to say to children (especially) that they are bad, a brat etc

My stepmum has done this, in fact she often comes out with stuff. At dd's 3rd birthday she asked if she could give her a smack, when dd snatched a toy

But once when dd was 9 months old doing blw, she dropped food on the floor. Stepmum started telling her she was 'a horrible girl'. I did as sitting bull said and told her, 'her behaviour may be horrible but not her.'

My mum has a thing of calling my dd stupid or 'isnt grandad stupid'. I then chip in, his behaviour is stupid, people arent stupid, we say silly!'

My my fil calls all the kids plonker and i've yet to pluck up the courage to tell him that plonker is a term for penis!

In this case the child really is a brat so the teacher was probably adhering the 'Roy Walker's Catchphrase Theory' ie. say what you see.

That's actually really sad, and I bet he does understand - my nearly 2 year old picks up everything even if he seems to be be engrossed in something else and also seems to understand the nuances of language much more than I would give him credit for.

I think I would probably say, next time you see them "I feel slightly awkward raising this, but last time you were here you called DS "horrible". Now, I agree that his behaviour was awful, but I'm trying hard not to label him in that way. Let me know if you're finding him hard to deal with next time and we can do something like go for a walk"

And then change the subject. I don't see even how a prickly parent could over react to that.

Actually has anyone else spotted the OPs huge labelling issue?
She is a "good girl". Was somene else in your family, or other people you know "naughty" or "bad"? Are you scared to call out your parents because then you will be "a bad girl"?

This is the trouble of labelling, even nice ones. They can limit behaviour.

One of the tough things we have to do as first time parents (especially mothers) is to unleash the inner tiger to defend our children. Sometimes we can have been so socialised to act "civilised" that it can be hard to speak up for our kids (I had this with a midwife in hospital who was too rough), but they only have us to defend them.

So sorry OP but you do need to speak to your father, and if you ever hear it again or your DS says something, to your DS.

Yes whiney kids are annoying, but there can be reasons. I am not the only parent to have nagged my kids about being whiney and keep scratching, to discover at bathtime they were covered in spots and had Chicken pox.

could you say something like: Dad, don't call him horrible, if he starts using that word i will be really cross/tell him off etc, its not nice and I don't want him picking it up and saying it to other people/children.

This is what I do with my nephews (18 & 16), they thought it was hilarious teaching my DT's to say 'whatever' (personal pet hate), told them they would feel awful if the girls were 'told-off'........... the guilt trip worked.

Thanks for the replies everyone. My folks aren't local so we usually only see them once a month, but having slept on it I think I'm going to call them today and talk about it. DF and I never really talk, if I phone and he answers he'll pass me over to DM, so I may have to use her as an intermediary. Having said that a lot of my issues with my parent come from wanting to please DM (mummytime, yes even at 37 I am still scared of being a bad girl, and I hate that I'm that bothered by it still). I did also mention it to DS at bedtime, I also think he did understand.
And I'm not viewing my child through rose tinted specs at all, I appreciate his behaviour was less than ideal, but he's 2.
Thanks for the support, fingers crossed the phone call isn't too awkward!

Quick question (sorry to hijack op!) if your MIL regularly called FIL stupid as in 'isn't grandad stupid' in front of your child would you say something?
And if so, what?

We are struggling with this at the moment.