How to handle Granddad telling DS he's horrible?!

[LaTristesse]

DS is only 2. He had a long grizzly morning today while my parents visited, including a couple of tantrums, not eating his dinner and general whinging. All because he was tired. Me and DM were largely ignoring the behaviour, I was cuddling him and carrying on as usual where possible, but while I was upstairs changing DD I heard my dad telling DS he was horrible, several times (DS was just whining back at him). I'm not sure whether DS understood, but I was horrified.

However (and this is where I'm a bit stuck...), I didnt say anything, and I don't know how to address it now, but I don't want it to happen again. In my parents' eyes I'm a 'good girl' (I'm sure they think I have 'weird ideas' about parenting - cosleeping, feeding on demand, positive discipline etc - but I've never, ever challenged my parents, in fact have gone too far out of my way to please them in the past). How do I tell my dad i don't want him speaking to my child that way without either damaging all the relationships involved or opening a whole other can of worms about how much of a hold over me they have and how much I resent that?

I should probably just grow a pair and tell him to button it in future, but that's very new territory for me. However my DC come first so if that's what needs to happen I'll do it... Any thoughts?

I would tell her not to use that word. "We don't use the word stupid in this house." If she is at all religious quote Matthew 5 verses 21-22 (great bit of parenting advice).

"No Grandad, you are." Would be what would probably pop out of my mouth TBH, although I'm not saying that's a great way forward....

Ditto re: MIL. Taking no prisoners today

Could anyone with a bible to hand post that verse please. DM is very religious and I love a chance to use it back at her!

DoctorsWife I've never heard the word 'plonker' used as slang for penis (wonder if the Only Fools and Horses writers had? )

LaT hope the phone call isn't too difficult

My FIL used to say this kind of thing as well, e.g. "You're a naughty boy, Grandpa doesn't like naughty boys". DS was really upset the first time he said it. I leapt straight in with "no DS, that was a naughty thing you did, but Grandpa loves you very much, he is just joking and you are a very good boy really, that was just a naughty thing you did and you shouldn't have done it". They both soon got the message

LaTristesse, that verse in Matthew basically says that anybody who calls somebody a fool / stupid is in danger of the fires of hell.

The whole thing of blaming the behaviour, not the person, seems to be fairly new philosophy - it's a good one of course, but it's not what our parents' generations would be used to. It takes some time for them to get the hang of it sometimes but it's never to late to learn!

In your shoes I'd definitely talk to your mum and try and explain this - say that you will not accept your DS being called names or told he's bad, stupid, horrible etc. His behaviour might not be ideal, but he is so much more than a few bad behaviours and you don't want him to think any different.

Flisspaps. I suspect they did know the meaning. My parents came from lewisham/peckham and its akin to calling someone a nob.

Ever heard 'you're pulling my plonker?'

"please don't call him horrible
I don't like it
If you want me to explain the pyschological damage that type of talk can do, please sit down and we will discuss it"

You are no longer your parents "good girl". You are a grown woman with a child of your own, who you are bringing up as you see fit. How far would you let your dad go without challenging him?

Nope, never heard it!

Thanks all. Well I just spoke to DM who seemed to understand what I was getting at, despite a few little asides about parenting style. But even she admits that's more a generational thing. DF wasn't there so she's going to 'have a word'. I did make it clear that I didn't want to make a big thing out of it, but needed them to know I didn't feel it was acceptable. hope that'll do the trick without causing too much hassle on either side! Thanks for helping me work this out!