I feel numb and in shock

[curiositykilledthekat]

My fiance is in the armed forces, currently away on a course but home weekends. I found out last night that he met up with a single ex-girlfrend on Monday night (she lives in the area where he is on course). He told me he went to the bar on site for a few drinks. He left his facebook account logged in on the home computer and I found messages going to and fro. Calling each other 'honey' and 'babe'. 'Cant wait to meet up with you', etc etc. I have never heard him call anyone else honey or babe apart from me.

I rang last night to confront him. I gave him plenty of opportunity to come clean, asking if he had a late night the previous night, many people at the bar etc. Then I asked him outright 'Did you have a good time with X last night?'. He said 'What do you mean', I asked again he answered 'What are you talking about'. I called him a bastard and hung up.

Within 5 minutes the messages on facebook were deleted, however I took screen prints so I am one step ahead!

He rang me and swears on our kids life that it was an innocent catch up, and that her 'boyfriend' appeared after an hour or so to take her home (facebook status is single). But why would he be so sneaky and not tell me he was meeting her if there is nothing to hide. I have absolutely no problem whatsoever with him having girl 'friends' but not telling me has made me wonder could this have progressed if I hadn't found the messages?

I have looked through her profile and she is very overly sexual with all her posts, and appears to be very 'up for it'.

I feel totally betrayed and distraught. We have been together 7 years, we are engaged have a DS 2 and DD 9 (mine from a previous relationship). Healthy sex life and what I thought was a trusting relationship.

But after being hit in the face with cold hard evidence, I cannot trust him. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and stamped on and I don't know what to believe anymore. He is coming home on Friday and I don't know what to do. He keeps telling me he loves me and would never do anything to jeopardise what we have together.

But why lie to my face if it was an innocent 'catch up'? I am going out of my mind and would appreciate some advice. :(

This: "He is coming home on Friday and I don't know what to do. He keeps telling me he loves me and would never do anything to jeopardise what we have together."

He's a liar. He lied in the above statement and he lied about his night out on Monday night.

He will lie to you again.

He is lying because it wasn't innocent at all

Tell him when he comes home that you know the truth, you have evidence that he has been lying.

He keeps telling me he loves me and would never do anything to jeopardise what we have together

So seeing other women behind your back and lying to you about it doesn't jeopardise your relationship? At the very best, he is disrespectful and thinks nothing of lying to you. You are not his 'equal partner' you are the "missus at home" who he likes to keep quiet - it's patronising. At the worst he's playing you.

Sorry, I don't know what you do now, it must be horrible for you. I just want to make sure you don't fall for the 'it's all perfectly innocent' or 'I didn't tell you because I knew this is how you'd react' lines. If it was perfectly innocent, he'd have told you. How many men have you secretly met behind his back lately?

He knows I have the messages. I feel so utterly betrayed. His words don't mean anything to me. I feel so sick. I have spent 7 years thinking our relationship was something that it is not.

I would be suspicious. If it was innocent then there wouldn't be a problem in telling you.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position. I'm wracking my brains for a innocent explanation but tbh he lied, he got caught in a lie, I really can't think of any other explanation other than it wasn't innocent at all. the way he spoke/acted also seems to show a worrying lack of respect for you and your family. I'm so sorry. I would sit him down and demand the truth. I don't normally advocate this approach but could u do a little snooping? Call friends who might have seen them? At least you have the proof so no matter what he says you can be sure you read what you did.

My thoughts exactly Shakey. If he had told me I wouldn't have a problem. It's the sneaking around and like Triffiddealer said totally disrespectful.

I'm so sorry.

One thing I would add in to the mix-my partner, who cheated on me, used to say to me that he didn't tell me(something like this) because he knew I would "overreact", "and look at you now, that's exactly what you are doing" etc etc.

In other words, if he says that kind of crap to you, he's still lying but having the extra gall to blame the fallout on you

I have asked him why he didn't just tell me Peppermint. He said 'Because I'm a twat'. At least he knows it.

Oh and I forgot to add to my post earlier, it was our 7 year anniversary on Monday. Just an extra kick in the teeth eh?!

{hand holding}
What a twunt!

Fair enough, I just didn't want that BS being fed to you on top of everything else.

I'm sorry my love, give yourself a little bit of time, to decide what to do. He really needs to wise up to what he's done to the trust

On the positive note, i don't think he'd put all this on FB if he meant to cheat! I think it was just a catch up and possibly it's true about her bf, but at worst I think it was banter for old times sake - at least he admits being a twat and not turning it on you which is a sign of hope. Of course he should have told you though about the meeting in advance.

Why did he delete it so rapidly then, likeatonneofbricks? If the OP hadn't taken a screenshot of it, I think he'd be trying to persuade her she hadn't seen what she had seen.

I wouldn't believe a word about the boyfriend coming to pick her up. Her status says she's single. Who's the boyfriend?

I think he did it because he could and because he thought you wouldn't find out about it. He's a complete idiot.

I personally don't give a stuff who socialises with who but I would have a massive massive issue with the not telling you,

if he's normally great perhaps he's not actually done anything apart from exclude info from you and all it may need is a firm none shouty explanation as to why that is dishonest and why it's unacceptable also him being told that he placed himself in a suituation that could have caused an issue is not on. Perhaps he's just been stupid as opposed to intentionally dishonest. You can work it out better face to face

Take it easy you have had a nasty shock and he has broken his trust in you, talk with him about it but dont be fooled into him saying it was innocent banter, he has crossed a line , HE is supposed to be with you, You do not have flirty FB messages with single men he should not be either, his intent is CLEAR he may not have done anything yet but his intent is he WANTED to, so sorry for you it is such a huge slap in the face, only you can decide whether you take this relationship any further, Big Hugs((())))) take care x

I agree with shakey and he has already lied to you whats to stop him again sorry your going through this

Thank you so much for all your messages and opinions. My insides are literally hurting. He has alot of explaining to do. When you have 100% trust in someone which is not reciprocated it is devastating. Also the nature of his job, being away for long periods of time means trust in our relationship is essential. He has broken that now and I don't know how I will ever trust him again :(

I must get involved here and maybe this may be of use, maybe not, but I hope you hurt less after my post and I hope it IS genuinely innocent.

I had a male friend when I was about 22, we used to work together. I started going round his house. He had a gf, I had various boyfriends in the time we were friends. He would come to mine mostly tho and I was a lodger with my surrogate parents. We would sit in my bedroom and smoke and listen to records and talk. It was great fun. There was never anything in it. I found it uncomplicated. We were like brother and sister. I went thro a lot and while we didn't share all that much of it (it was sexual abuse stuff and I dont tell anyone apart from bfs) I lost so many people, that the ones that were left were really valuable to me.

Anyway he got a new gf and she took against me when we were in our late 20s and he chose her over me and we had our only row ever and I was very hurt, and one more friend fell away.

He would call me babe, we would laugh a lot. It would be like this -
Hey!
Hi babe!!! haha
How are you??
Fine!! You?? hahaha!!!
Fine!! You coming up?
Yep!
Excellent!!!

That was about it. But he would call me babe.

Anyway only about 2 yrs ago we got back in touch via facebook and have met twice for a drink. She doesn't know. I dislike this. But it was like no years had gone by and I appreciate the fact that I have had a relationship going back to my early 20s which has lasted and which is fun and uncomplicated and I can talk to someone who is off my scene and he is loyal to me and honest about boyfriend stuff and I am the same. Its nice to have a full circle of friends going back years. I blamed myself for losing my family but here are people around for 15 years plus now.... He also calls me 'pal' now and I think this is a good thing.

So when I read from women about their partners having female friends, I always feel bad and wonder if it just might be that their partner has a sister type person out there?

The caveats in your situation are that your partner may not be as friendly as myself and my friend were, and she is also an ex. I just though it may be that he didn't tell you, for whatever reason, but it may have been innocent. I would ask him about the language tho as that could easily be changed and it would make you more comfortable.

Where is he? You can pm me if you want to chat, I ask. Well my heart just sunk. As I'm in the same position as you....he's away on a course....where I know his ex lives. Luckily it's a non issue. But I just thought omg that could be me!

See my heart just sunk for you. If it were my dh, he'd not be coming home tomorrow and that would be that.

See thing is, we know in our lives we have vulnerabilities....so we don't lie. We don't lie about anything. As its a slippery slope. You've got to have transparency and honesty.

I'd go fucking ape shit. He wouldn't be coming home friday neither, infact at all. But then he knows I can't stand liars.

Hang on, slow down a bit. It could be that he didn't tell you because it means nothing at all and he didn't want to upset you. It then went on to messages which aren't great but you could just see it as words. Seems that everyone has been quick to say he has cheated on you when he might just have been an idiot and not told you but not actually done anything.

I do agree that putting it all over fb seems strange if he didn't want you to find it. Also her status means nothing, some people don't change it unless in a very serious relationship.
However the blatant lying is a huge red flag. He would do something to hurt your relationship. At the very least he hid this because he thought you would be unhappy. So he has lied again. Then even when you asked him out right he pretended he didn't know. I am so sorry you are hurting.
If you are not ready to deal with it, tell him not to come back Friday. You need to do what is best for you.
Can I ask how you found out he was going for a drink with her?

I want to believe him, I really do. But like you say Houseofplain, up until yesterday we didn't lie to each other about anything. It is a slippery slope and it just makes me wonder what else he has lied about.

Thanks for your post something2say, I am all for having platonic friendships. I have some myself and have always involved my DP in any banter/meetings I have had with male friends in the past. That is what has hurt so much in this situation, the fact he has gone behind my back when I have always been open and honest.

JustFabulous I really hope you are right.

We have spoken at length tonight. My head is still all over the place. One minute I am angry and never want to see him again, the next minute I feel like it is something of nothing.

My niece is getting Christened on Saturday so will have to put on my best fake smile on for the occasion. Happy fucking families eh!!!

Dprince I found messages on his facebook. He left the home computer logged in on his profile. Messages were arranging where to meet etc.

You have a better attitude than me. If I found out he'd lied to me about where he went, then twice again when asked for clarification. Which was to hide a meet up with an ex, he was all over affectionate with.

He'd be in blocks permanently. Don't get me wrong. I don't see a problem. Being friends with an ex.....just this is bang out of order. Calling her up whilst out of town? Yeah fuck that. I know many who do in the forces tho...

If he'd put it all over facebook publicly then I'd agree that there was probably nothing in it. But these were private messages that OP found.

And when she confronted him he deleted them all!

If we had nothing to hide why would he be trying to cover his tracks?

I'm so sorry for you curiosity. I think it's very early on to be making huge decisions but you need to decide what you're willing to put up with.

To me, this is unforgiveable but everyone has a different threshold.