I am writing on here to stop me from texting 'my' married man.......

[WaterAllAround]

Over the last 6 months, I have become unexplicably close to a man at work.

We're both married. We are both early 30's. We both have 2 children.

We have both been married since our very early twenties and we both thought we were quite happy in our marriages until we started feeling the chemistry between us.

Neither of us has ever remotely looked at another person since being married and we are both quite uncomfortable with it. But at the same time, the unexplicable draw to each other is huge.

We have kissed a few times, but there is no way we would ever take things any further.

We keep in touch by text and e-mail every day and I think this needs to stop, but quite honestly this would feel like cutting my arm off at the moment. He's pretty much my best friend and I am going to miss that so much

Hi,

I am in a very similar position to you...its very difficult :(

It is a hard situation, but very common, you know. Unless you both want to leave your marriages you need to immediately introduce some strategies to defuse your relationship. E.g. no contact except about essential work issues.

Maybe worth reading OrmIrian's thread (called Rumours at DH's work) to remind yourselves of the cost of these emotional affairs to the innocent parties involved?

How about think about the hurt YOU are causing your dh and kids. The betrayal they will feel. Think about your kids face when you tell them that mum and dad are no longer going to be living together and one of you must leave. Imagine knowing that's your fault.
Then imagine that you have part in causing that to another family.
Look at it realistically, you know you have never looked at another person. You don't know he hasn't. You only know what he tells you. As he has already proved himself to be deceptive, do you really believe him?

Why don't you text/email your DH instead, he is the one you should be having the affair with, the time and energy going to the MM should be going on your DH and DCs. This is one of the things that upset me most about my dh's affair, the time and energy he put into texting etc the ow, meeting her for lunch/coffee, making the time to do it whilst always making excuses why he couldn't do it to me

Unless you both want to completely fuck up your lives and hurt your OH's and children, I think what you're suggesting is the right thing to do.
Concentrate on your own family and put your energy into your relationship with your H (if, of course that's what you want), not this guy.
Could it be that you were flattered by his attention and it's got out of control? by the sound of it you don't want it to go further but you've already crossed the line in kissing each other.
Also, you only have his word that A/he wasn't looking for an affair and B/ he has never done this before - I personally wouldn't take that as the absolute truth.

Oh and he is not really a true friend if he is helping you break up your family, destroying your DCs security and your marriage - is he really worth it?

Poor diddums.

There are plenty of bleating threads on here from pathetic cheats. and a few from people who realise the devastation they risk causing and who ask for help to avoid it. Read those. And then read the ones from those husbands and wives left picking up the pieces of the sordid little shenanigans.

Stop texting OM and start talking to your DH. Tell him the truth about the texting, emailing and kissing.

Um, Sassy I think that's exactly what the OP is asking for - some help, advice and support to try & stop her causing devastation.

Water, you say you thought your marriage was happy? How about doing as Counting suggests, text your husband and rekindle that? Keep your distance as much as you can from the OM.

I would actually advise you not to tell your DH about your EA. I don't actually see what good would come of it (though do appreciate there are two very different schools of thought on this) and you will cause your DH a lot of hurt. Instead, cut all emotional contact with the OM and focus on you, your DH and your family.

Rindercella I think you make a valid point, but on the other side of that, I came pretty close to being in OP's situation (didn't get as far as kissing though)

It was telling my DH about the thoughts I was having re this man that really opened my eyes to just how grubby and sordid it was.

I guess it depends on OP's DH though, how do you think he would feel if you came clean OP?

This sounds like me 10yrs ago (although I was engaged with no DCs. I decided to stop the relationship altogether and changed jobs. It was hard and I also cut off friends we had in common as it would have been hard to socialise without seeing him too. Looking back this saved a lot of heartache and me, dh and dcs are really happy. I sometimes see OMs wife and DCs on the school run and am so happy I didn't ruin their family (they are still happily married).

Please nip this in the bud now so you can look back and see what a close call you had. Also I don't see the need to tell your DH if it's gone no further than a kiss.

I understand the thrill, the excitement, etc etc but you have already cheated on your DH and unless you want him to find out and kick you out you need to put a stop to it.

You have self control. You make your own choices. You are chosing to get a thrill from texting/emailing/kissing this man but it has to stop.

When you have to tell your children there safe, happy home has been shattered because you wanted to shag another man it won't seem so exciting then.

I am paraphrasing what a very wise Mumsnetter said to me once an dit hurt like hell but it did the job.

Grow up. Don't use this as an excuse to leave a marriage you are not happy in anymore.

Aww Sassy, that's not very fair. OP wants advice, no matter how we feel about her actions. I appreciate that a lot of MN members have been at the other end of this situation and will feel no or very little sympathy.

My H was unhappy and rather than talk to me he turned to his best mate's wife and started texting and emailing her every day. They confided in each other and describe each other as "good friends" now and discussed their relationship problems with each other. He texted her 140 times the day before we went on holiday. He texted her from 8am to 11.30pm, all day every day, over 100 times a day by the time he left me.

They both swear that there is nothing going on, but they exchanged a facebook chat along the lines of "hey you, you pop up everywhere, yes you cant get rid of me, no i dont want to get rid of you, i can type so much faster on here, I can see your cheeky little face now, and I can see yours too. Quick go back to text my H is coming" He sent her emails saying "you are a very clever girl" and "dont worry, everything will work out ok in the end" and "how is your day" and she emailed back " Im loving your motivational emails, Im surrounding myself with a sea of calm". She said he was very good at emotional support, which her husband wasn't.

My H was no good at emotional support to me, never had been. He also didnt text me much during the day as he drives for a living.. yet found the time to text her all day every day.

They both told me that her H knew about the texting, but the above comment makes it obvious that he didnt..... They both swear that they are just friends but they crossed the line from friends to flirtation. He talked about her incessantly and he took his mobile phone everywhere he went.

Neither of them can see that what they are doing is wrong. They think that I am unreasonable for suggesting that the contact is excessive. My H walked out on me saying that he didnt love me any more AFTER all this flirtation started. I didnt even know that he was unhappy and he just walked out, right out of the blue. We are now getting divorced and my 4 year old daughter is missing her dad badly. My H walked out on all responsibilities. he bought a whole new wardrobe of clothes, just like her H wears. He is living with her and her H. he goes out with them, he goes shopping with them and when he has DD he spends the day with them. he is obsessed with her.

So read my story and think about the devastation that it causes and STOP it now. Stop the contact, stop the friendship. You can do it, you won't die. If you can see that what you are doing is wrong, you are already half way there.

And she's had my advice. Read the dozens of threads already written.

I have the sure fire way to end this:

tell your husband. Show him the texts.

Or: phone his wife. Show her the texts.

NOTHING will throw an ice bath over your lovely lovely as much as the hurt you will see in their faces.

Can't do that? You are having an affair.

I think you've already tipped over into an emotional affair and need to end it properly cut all contact/texts etc and ideally change jobs. Consider counselling for yourself to work out why you did it and have a look at not just friends or whatever its called.

Good luck OP, I have been on receiving end but I do understand how these things could come about and I don't think feeling bad about yourself is going to help. You're caught up in romantic fantasy and escapism and at least you've been brave enough to post on here and to try to put a stop to it.

I understand how this happened, but I think the way to resolve it is probably to reconnect with your DH. It is the excitement of a newly found connection that is addictive and is tempting you. You know perfectly well that that doesn't last in the long term and, presumably, you also felt like this about your DH once.

Go on a date, have a special dinner at home. Just remind yourself of what your DH means to you. Try to transfer some of those warm and excited feelings to him and away from OM.

The fact that you are on here asking us to help suggests that you know you don't want to be doing this. I know it's hard, but you can walk away.

Imagine how you'd feel if your DH was doing this to you - spending his time thinking about, texting, kissing another woman. Imagine him thinking that it might be better for him to leave you and move in with another woman. Imagine being left behind to pick up the piece, alone. Imagine your kids faces when that happens.

End it. Now. You will ruin 2 families with this.

Well done for being prepared to stop it, now just follow through...

we both thought we were quite happy in our marriages until we started feeling the chemistry between us.

You probably were quite happy in your marriages before this affair strated (and it IS an affair) but I bet those marriages are worse now.

Just because you're happily married, it doesn't mean you're invulnerable to a connection with someone new. Your joint mistake was allowing it to get this far. That was very much an active choice on both of your parts.

I don't agree that he has necessarily sone this before. If you haven't, there's no reason why he has either. I just think you've both got carried away with what you think is an amazing connection when actually, you fancy the pants off one another and get on well. You never were 'just friends' you see because of the physical attraction.

You're very wise to get advice on ending it. But you have to mean it.

That means telling him that this has gone too far and the friendship has to end. It cannot got back to friendship now, because a line has been crossed.

In the long term, agree that you will both try to work apart from one another at the first available opportunity. In the short term, stick to professional dealings only and stop the texts and e mails. Delete his number from your phone, defriend him from social networking sites etc.

You will grieve for a while and it will be a huge loss. But nothing compared to the loss of your husband, family and your personal integrity.

Don't make the mistake of thinking your marriage or your husband are inferior. If you think they are, you created that, when you started this affair. Same for him. Your spouses are the same people they always were. Your marriages were good. Put both of your energies into restoring them to what they were and better before you both started damaging them.

My husband was doing this with a girl at work. I found out, asked them to stop, they did for a while. She dumped her boyfriend, she pursued H more. Lies, trauma, deceit, temp separation. He didn't try, refused to change jobs or give her up. I've left him, I'm devastated, our dc's are devastated.
Just found out from an old neighbour that he's had his little tart over at our marital home on numerous occasions now, including before we officailly split, inc nights when he has our children there (asleep thankfully.)
That all started as a harmless bit of flirting at work.
I want to die at times I feel so desperately upset at what he's done. I'm so angry i feel like I could kill someone. My body is filled with adrenaline all day and only switches off at night after taking a strong sleeping tablet. I honestly don't know how I'm carrying on, only my dc's keep me going, and I'm now sat here crying typing this.
Is this what you want to achieve??? Will it make both of you feel better???

If you are going to live to your life expectacy- say 90- then it is highly UNLIKELY that you will never meet another man who "does it for you" over the next 30 years!

You are still young, and married young too.

I suspect this is the first time you have had your head turned and felt a spark - and it's been reciprocated.

Unless you were unhappy before you met this man, then let it go.

If you were or ar unhappy now, then go for counselling alone or as a couple and see what you want to do with your marriage.

Some people stay in stale hollow marriages and need another person to give them a kick to get out- I don't think this is what you are saying.

Don't tell your DH. Tell yourself you have been a silly girl, taking an office flirtation too far. be brave and tell this other guy that it's gone too far and it's over except for being colleagues- I expect he will be relieved as well.

Imagine your DH behaving in exactly the same way.
Imagine a call from his special work friends DH when he finds the texts.
Imagine months of trying to repair the damage,heal the hurt, regain the trust.
Imagine your DC's crying because mum and dad are on the verge of splitting up.
We stayed together.But it was shitty.And it wasn't even a physical affair.
Don't think this is just good friends.Its an affair.
At least posting on here gives you a chance to see sense and pull back.Now.