Is this an alcohol problem? What should I do?

[goandshowdaddy]

DH and I have always enjoyed a good drink when we go out, though now we've had children it's a less common occurence.

Recently, DH has taken to drinking more and more at home in the evening and, in the last few weeks, has taken to drinking at home every night at least 3 or 4 cans of lager and a bottle of wine, sometimes more. The last few nights has been 3 or 4 glass bottles of cider plus wine. I think this is far too much and have said several times that I'm worried about his drinking and he agrees that it's too much but it doesn't seem to stop him. He said he was going to stop after last night when I had a go at him again this morning but has gone out to the pub tonight (driving so hopefully won't drink).

He usually buys a pack of lager or cider for him and a bottle of wine for me but I usually only drink one glass of the wine and if I don't hide the rest of the bottle (yes, I've taken to doing this sometimes) he'll drink it, every time, without fail.

This used to only happen on a Friday or Saturday but I've noticed it happening more and more.

I don't know what to do or say to him. I've tried saying I'm worried about his health. He says he'll stop. Is this a drink problem? Am I in denial?!

if he wants to stop, but cannot, or has little or no control over the amount he takes, it sounds like a problem.

why dont you ring al-anon, they are all more than qualified to dispense a bit of advice as to where to go from here.

I think it's the start of a drink problem OP. Sorry. The fact that you're hiding alcohol is very telling.

I've showed your post to my DH, who had a close call with a drink problem when he was in a previous relationship. He said to ask you:

Has he recently replaced another addiction with this one? Smoking maybe?

and

Is this not such a happy time for him as you think it may be. Young children? New job? Any thing else stressful going on at the mo?

There are 2 things to think about
the first is Alcohol Abuse: which your DH definitely has as he is drinking to excess. Too much to be healthy.

the second is alcohol dependence which he probably as yet does not have but may be heading towards. Alcohol dependence includes the psychological dependence and the physical dependence.

the good news is that it is recent, probably any health effects are reversible (although it is possible to get irreversible damage within months if you are very unlucky) and he may not be addicted (but in some people addiction follows very quickly).

So he has a drink problem, you are not in denial but it looks like he is.

How much more can you say to him? Will he respond appropriately? Is his behaviour being affected by his drinking?

these people are helpful and are happy to talk about alcohol use/abuse without a diagnosis of alcoholism www.alcoholconcern.org.uk/ or they have a helpline 0800 917 8282. NHS direct also has some good advice on alcohol use and information on health effects.

Tricky this one. Could ask him if he is using the alcohol as an emotional crutch and what pressures he is under? Point out better to address the pressures than turn to alcohol and show him that you will help where you can in that. Nagging may feel to him like adding to his woes and lead to more drink, and so the cycle continues.
If he doesn't change his habit soon, he'll find he can't change it. Just ask my DS father, I gave up over 5 years ago trying, he still drinks although has been in rehab this year, lives with his parents, has not worked in 6 years, pays no maintenance. Has a first class degree though and a PHD - what a waste!

Thing is, with alcohol, if you think it is a problem then it probably is, as it is clearly causing you some anguish.

My ex husband is an alcoholic and 5 or so years ago he was the same as your DH. I've had years of stress with him and all I have learnt is that an alcoholic's primary relationship is with drink and everything else takes second place.

I don't know if your husband is an alcoholic. What matters is whether he will admit to it and take action.

He does find having children stressful (ages 4 and nearly 2) though loves them very much. I think it's taken its toll on him. I find it hard too though, and don't drink to get away from it all.

He is self-employed and having a few work issues which may be part of the problem. I do try to talk to him about it and we're not in trouble financially at all (I deal with the finances so know how we're doing) but I'm sure he does find it a lot of pressure to be providing for the 4 of us (I am a SAHM at the minute). I think he resents me being at home "not working".

I do nag him, but he is pretty lazy at home and doesn't like being asked for help with the children.

His drinking doesn't really affect his behaviour any more than normal. He lets me get up every morning with the kids, whether he's working or not. He's always been like this, whether drinking or sober.

Thank you for the links/advice. I think I need to speak to a professional on his behalf but your posts have been really helpful.

He admits he drinks too much but doesn't do anything about it.

It does sound as if he is using alcohol because of stress right now.

I think if the outcome of this thread is that you seek some professional advice asap, then it will have been a very good thing that you posted here.

I really wish you well. It sounds like there are other issues going on there too, with his general attitude towards you :(

hugs OP. Un-mumsnetty but i don't care!

Watch for mood swings. The drink needs to be replaced by something else to do in the evening. Could he join a gym or do some other hobby in the evening? Avoid just sitting in front of the tv if you can, something together to occupy perhaps?

He may not want to do anything about it.

It's something to prepare yourself for :(

Ex-P was only too happy to admit to a drink problem. Sadly, admission is much less than half the battle. Doing something about it is the big thing. I never worked out how to stop him and neither has he yet, or the professionals.
But, he is not your DH, so there is always hope. Access all help and support possible. Would he do counselling? It may help him to just talk to a neutral about why he finds it so hard being a parent. Some men find it hard to share love and not be the centre of our world once kids arrive - pathetic,but true, they don't always see it as gaining extra, unconditional love from a child which is so special. He may need that re-enforcing

Thing is, you can't make him stop drinking. There is nothing anyone else can do to make another person stop drinking (or taking drugs). Sure, sometimes an addict or alcoholic can choose to stop taking the whatever if the alternative is losing his/her partner, or job, or home, but sometimes they choose not to do so.
Your H is drinking a lot, and also being a selfish arse - though it sounds like he was a selfish arse before his drinking escalated. You have already asked him to stop or cut down and he hasn't done so. What you need to do now is think about how much more you will put up with and at what point you will decide to leave/throw him out, if his behaviour doesn't improve. But don't set yourself up for a lifetime of monitoring his drinking, worrying about his drinking and begging him to stop, while he promises to stop and continues to drink. He can only get better by deciding to do so, and that's a path he may not choose.

"3 or 4 cans of lager and a bottle of wine"

If you check with the Drinkaware Unit Calculator that quantity of alcohol equates to 14 units a day. 3 or 4 is the recommended maximum for an adult male and the advice is also to have several alcohol-free days a week in addition.

He may or may not be an alcoholic but he's certainly a heavy drinker and it will start to take a toll on his health, mental and physical. Who buys the wine and beer?

A 440ml can of typical beer has 2 units of booze in it. You've said he can get through 3 or 4 of those plus a bottle of wine every day? I make that even mlore than CES reckons, i.e. about 15 to 17 units in a day, which is 100 to 120 units a week.

The 20 units a week thing is completely arbitrary and based in nothing very much factually, AIUI, but even if the right number is twice that, he's still drinking 3x too much.

No idea what to say really except maybe you could keep a booze log and show it to him / his GP ?

I was probably assuming smaller cans of larger and 12% volume white wine ... Either way it's a shedload of booze. How does he afford it, apart from anything else?

Booze is the only thing that's still really cheap.

12 cans of Carlsberg, 8 quid (I am doing the shop on another tab :-))

Bottle of white wine, what, 6 quid?

So his habit is costing a tenner a day. Adds up over a year of course but it's only about like what most smokers must spend.

I'd rather be teetotal and spend the money saved on a bloody good family holiday every year...which in fact I do.

What would his reaction be if you were to enforce new house rules today?
OK, DP from today we are not having alcohol in this house except for 1 day over the weekend (maybe saturday night with a takeaway) Tell him you don't want DC brought up around alcohol, it costs too much etc...
What does he say if you confront him with how much he's drinking in a week or how much it costs?

If he starts making excuse after excuse or if he shows no remorse or worry about his health then it seems he has a problem. From what you've wrote it does sound like he's using the drink as a crutch but needs to open his eyes before it gets serious.
Often people don't realise when it's coming, it can be that he'll start drinking earlier in the day until he reaches a point where he has to start the day with a drink to combat the hangover feeling and to satisfy the addiction, once a person reaches that point, they're fucked! to put it bluntly, risking seizures, liver damage (especially drinking cider and other cheap booze) and a whole host of other nastiness when they have to stop and detox.

Good luck OP xxx

Dondon I can tell you exactly what will happen. DP will lok at OP and say "you're joking, right?", open the fridge, look in and then look again at OP. Words may then follow, after which DP will get in the car and buy himself something to drink.

I mean, really, he's had a tough day, he gets home and all he wants is a couple of drinks.

A tenner a day may not be a lot to you dondon33 but that's my entire grocery budget for the week.

Sorry, that was aimed at Apocalypto. I don't think smokers burning £10 a day is any more acceptable either.

Sorry, that was aimed at Apocalypto. I don't think smokers burning £10 a day is any more acceptable either.

So as the voice of experience you'll know this is where the road to hell starts :

Dondon, whilst you mean well, your post suggests that 'drinking in the morning' an alcoholic makes. Not all people with a drinking problem drink in the mornings (and I am not suggesting I diagnose the OP's DH as an alcoholic over the internet). If he does have a problem, enforcing a house rule will just make him drink in secret.

OP - he clearly has a problem simply because that is way too much to be drinking on a regular basis. Even if there's no addiction, it's bad for his health.

The fact that he can't just stop suggests something more but that's really one for you and him to work out. Try Al Anon as suggested above or alternatively these people www.smartrecovery.org

Well yes he has a problem and it will eventually kill him. That's a rediculous amount of alcohol daily.

Thing is, if he drives, he would most certainly be over the limit the next day. That's generally the wake up call these I don't have a problem get IME. End up in court for being still being pissed and getting in their car the next day. Although not always, they sometimes don't care.

Average bottle of wine is 9 units. Average can is about 2.4. Average bottle of cider is nearer 2.6.

So a bottle of wine 9 units. 4 bottles of cider. 10.4. 19 units. 19 hours. Then he does it all again the next day. Sometimes more you say. If he's a driver, only a matter of time before he is caught or worse.

No bedubabe, Sorry if it came across that way, I didn't mean it to. I'm giving the worst case scenario, of course not all Alcoholics do that, I've had contact with enough to know that fact.
I didn't say she should enforce a house rule, as I agree with what you've said, he'll find another way, It's the reaction after suggesting it that will speak volumes.