Husband regularly breaks 'little' promises

[Dref]

Hello everyone-I am new to this forum! I am newly married but been living with husband for 3 years. Last week for three nights in a row we went out separately but had an arrangement for time we'd be home. Each time he was later than he said by 2 hours. I saw this as 'reasonable' on the thurs and fri eve as he was down pub with friends. But on third eve it was a week night and in the morning I reminded him I was teaching all evening at home and therefore wouldn't have time to cook. So he offered to do it. We also agreed that morning we had to finish our thankyou cards to wedding guests who'd given us presents because his Mum had sent a curt email 'reminding' us after her friend hinted she'd had no card. We had actually arranged for him to do his side and me mine because we had a very big wedding and after planning almost all of it because he was busy, I put a limit on the follow up cards, as I've got work too! So this issue went like this and I'd like to know if anyone else would find this annoying/upsetting/inconsiderate?:

husband: 3pm-I've got to go out and I'll be 2 hours (this was an unplanned work thing which cropped up at 3ish)
me: ok, remember you said you'd cook dinner tonight...
DH: I'll only be 2 hours i.e. 5pm
husband: text at 6pm-I'll be half an hour coming home. Am leaving now.
me: 6.45pm husband not home and I twig he's in pub and feel very miffed about dinner arrangement.
Me: have break between 7-8pm and sit down to do the rest of my family/friends thank you cards. Plan was to finish some together as some needed discussion about what to write etc.

I have choice. Fix myself dinner but meant popping to tesco as no shopping in except frozen steak and so on, and therefore abandon now overdue thankyous (his cousin gave us £3000 and I'm getting really self conscious about tardiness of thankyous but my side of family and friends is over 90 guests and I don't want to be lumbered with it all). Or carry on with thank yous. I was really cross. I carried out and posted them and then emailed his MOther to explain how we had shared it but that I'd remind him, he's busy etc. She was fine with that. He was peeved however. Yet all the same did not jump to reply to his Mum that this was his tardiness, not mine.

Going back to when I rang, he was very defensive. He apologised for not being back or texting. Said he thought I was teaching until 8pm and would be back by then to cook. So why say your going to be 2 hours then? Why not say, I'm going to be two hours but may go for a drink and get specific facts about timing. Anyway, I said 9pm to him 3 times.

He also lunched out of my cousins dinner on the Saturday because he was so hungover from Friday. That annoyed me a bit too. On Sunday his sister had a lunch and I wanted to cancel because I was a bit fuzzyheaded from Saturday, but then I didn't drink what I couldve because my SIL had a lunch. From experience, if I'd cancelled he'd have been really upset.

I want to be relaxed about things like this but I was annoyed. Am I being unreasonable to have been pissed off last night? How do I deal with this? It stops for a while and then creeps back in.

I meant doing joint wedding thank you cards and christmas cards, not getting you a valentine's card - that's very different.

What a very tricky relationship - I agree with pullupapew that you shouldn't get pregnant to this man if it doesn't change.

Oh OP, his behaviour really is exhausting isn't it. I have visions of you ending up like a screaming banshee here. STOP trying to control, sit back and WATCH.

" I can see a mismatch between my model i.e. Dad/brothers/other men and DH. It's just that a lot of his stuff is based on passive aggressiveness"

FFS... Stop psychoanalysing the poor bastard, move away from the in-laws and grow up.

He is really difficult. I've just looked at my calender for when we started falling out from two saturdays ago. There is a pattern unfortunately. He had spoken to his BIL on the phone. His BIL was and still is very undermining of me and our relationship. He's not well liked by a few of the partners/spouses of DH's friends so there is a pattern. One confided she always feels undermined by him and he has certainly been very dismissive of me in family gatherings. After that call DH was going on about having independence. We'd had such a lovely two weeks back from wedding. I feel his BIL is poisonous. I'm sure he had some influence over his way of thinking. I can't stand this. I feel really down.

It's true, if I have kids with him it'll be hell.

this bin stuff

i forgot about your earlier post about the bins. that it's his job to empty them so he has rules about what can go in and what you need to go tronking around outside to put in compost heaps and things. that's just ridiculous. he can't tell you what you can and can't put in your own bin fgs

and now he stinks the house out putting one of the things on the "banned" list himself when you have people coming around

the whole thing just sounds ridiculous
he sounds like such terrible hard work
i mean can't you just tell him to get stuffed about the bins? say well it's the bin and if i've got rubbish I'm going to put it in I'm not going wandering around outside every 5 mins because it is a total PITA? how would he react?

he'd have a go at me

I actually think it's deliberate. He does all these little things until I do explode and then complains about me to his family...

If he's doing this stuff to annoy you it is classed as emotional abuse and it sounds like you have some control issues of your own. I hate to say it so soon into your relationship, but it really doesn't bode well for either of you. Please don't have any DCs for the time being, as these problems will only get worse unless you both do some serious changing.

Why would he do that? :(

Are you happy in your marriage, OP ?

Does he make you feel safe, loved, at peace ?

Or despised, disrespected and on tenterhooks ?

You know whatg you need to do. I think you have a long way to go before you accept that yet but it will become inevitable. Don't have any dc in the meantime, and if you really want kids, don't throw too many of your fertile years away on an inadequate prick like this.

'I renegotiated the cleaning'

'l asked him to factor in some time to do the cards'

You sound a laugh a minute.

No wonder you're not where you should be in such early days of marriage - you should be still throwing each other round the room fgs.

You sound more like his line manager than his new wife..

I must say Dref, I was a bit at the factoring in and the re-negotiating. Though it was a bit cheeky of him to opt for vacuuming when you've one of those automatic things.

This just sounds so, devoid of enjoyment! The idea of having jobs that you have to monitor whether he's done them, or he has to come in 2 hours after he said and cook dinner, it's all too rigid and stressful for everyone.

Perhaps we are crap, but we regularly both just do what needs doing (or sometimes all wait and no-one takes the bins out and we miss bin day), we cook and the other person turns up after they've finished their work or later, I presume they will come back at some point, usually earlier as we actually like each other (and if my husband was pestering me about cooking the dinner on a Friday, I'd tell him where to shove it), sometimes we even say we'll cook and then fall asleep on the sofa and have to have a pizza, it's all a bit more, well, flexible and fun.

Timetables, turns, slots for card-writing, just shove the cards you want him to do on his desk/side of the bed or wherever, and let him get on with it. If he doesn't do it, he'll look rude. Stop trying to arrange every slot of time, so that things like dinner/going out are a bit more built in and not having to be rearranged so formally.

I'm sure he's being late on purpose, perhaps he feels overcontrolled, perhaps he's an arse. If he didn't come back on Fri, don't text him, eat your takeaway and ignore him, phone a friend, have a nice time. Don't sit in pining for him (as he clearly wants).

Also, keep your own career and life, your life can't be waiting around for him. The power balance here is all wrong and if you have children you will be the little wife at home waiting in whilst he sighs and makes remarks about how you nag so much. Keep independent, stop bothering what he's up to and enjoy your own life!

Oh God I feel exhausted.

I'm not sure being on here is really great for your marriage actually. A bit like the BIL, we are starting to insert ourselves into your relationship.

Look, leave the bin (full) outside the front door maybe.

You married him, he must have good qualities. Is there a way to build on his strengths? Not that he gets let off all the dull stuff, but what's he bring to the relationship? There's a lovely thread somewhere about what MNers felt they and their partners contributed to their relationships. Do you think perhaps you might drown in lists and preplanning if he wasn't there to insert a little spontaneity? And if he's gone to the pub, maybe you could meet him there and share a bag of chips and a snog on the way home?

Not a facetious comment, but is there anything you actually like about one another?

I think its unfair to pick on the language the OP uses. i know that I use work language at home sometimes and it sounds inappropriate but I forget where i am!

It comes down to the fact that he makes promises to the OP and doesnt follow through. He makes rules that she must follow, but not him. He takes any negative comment very badly in order to make the OP feel bad so she doesnt say anything. He also sounds easily led by a toxic influence.

I dont see much of a future here in all honesty :(

You're getting a lot of flack here, for trying to cope with his childish behaviour and establish boundaries.
You do not sound like a bundle of fun at the moment, but frankly he does not seem to help, or care that much, that some boring things are part of life, married or not. Perhaps he is trying to make you see that they are your sole responsibility, from now on?
I do not buy the " he's been single for so long" blabla; he is not anymore. You've been together 3 years before getting married, had counselling before the wedding, presumably he has not been taken by surprise and woke up one morning with a ring on his finger and a partner to suddenly have to consider and respect.
If he doesn't shape up pretty sharpish, and you carry on making excuses and coping, with 'strategies', you're in for a hell of a ride.
Your MIL needs to back off, also.
Do not even consider having children with him, unless you want to end up in a 'my H is a narc' thread.
Sorry, long and brutal.
And so is life with the type of man you describe.

I stand by what I wrote on your other thread.

Thank you notes are a very personal thing. My husband didn't believe we needed to do them for our wedding as we have thanked everyone personally at the time they handed them to us.

I believed it would be nice to acknowledge it again. Therefore I took it upon myself to do the thank yous as it meant more to me than to dh.

Unless you got married a year ago, you still have plenty of time to get notes out. People understand that newlyweds have far more pressing things to do than write notes. And you know, the fact that you fed them & entertained them for (probably) several hours & got them drunk too...would really be thank you enough, don't you think!?

I don't see why you should write his bloody thank-yous

HIS? They are thank you for WEDDING gifts & the op was there too, so it makes them THEIR thank yous!

You married your dh, not your MIL. Yes, it sounds like she is a pain, but unfortunately, that is how some mother in laws are. It is part and parcel of marriage & you will find lots of moaning about MIL on here (not from me tho, mine is a treasure)

We don't make a big deal of our anniversaries anymore. We celebrated 18yrs this year & had dinner out. I don't even know when my IL's anniversary is. It isn't because it isn't special, it is because it is (to us) a private thing that it ours & we celebrate in our way. We are both happy with that.

Valentines = over commercialised, over priced & over done. We don't do that anymore either. Mutual choice. I refuse to have my dh told when to express his love/appreciation of me & vice versa. The way he is the other 364 days of the year mean more to me than what he spends on one day when it is expected of/forced on him.

You will find OP, that wedding anniversaries, after a while only really become important to those celebrating them. We get one card a yr, from his mum. Unless I remind, no one usually remembers. But that is OK, because it is expected - to me anyway. So please don't be upset if you don't get cards off all these nice people you are worried about thanking, because they will probably have forgotten the date by your first anniversary. And I don't mean that horribly, it's just life.

Just reading about the bin issue...really op, this is a time you should be shagging all the time blissfully happy, not arguing about what goes in the bin, or worrying about what you put in it or that he put something in it.

I mean this in the nicest possible way to both of you...sort it out & sort it out QUICK. Otherwise you BOTH have a very UNHAPPY 30 odd years ahead of you!

Did you live together before you married? Because these are things that really (usually) come out before the wedding day & I am surprised that you are only just seeing his slackness over some issues now.

The mothers' day card issue - there is NO WAY on this earth that I would let dh shirk this issue. It isn't about you, or him, but your dc & he should make huge efforts to help them make/buy you are card if this day is important to you!

differentname

OP: "We had actually arranged for him to do his side and me mine because we had a very big wedding and after planning almost all of it because he was busy, I put a limit on the follow up cards, as I've got work too! "

So absolutely I don't see why OP should have to do his bloody thank-you cards. Given that they had an agreement over who would do what, and she did most of the other work.

Or is this a case of what's OP's (work) is OP's, and what's OPs H's (work) is OP's too

Now you see I don't give a monkeys about mother's day or anniversaries.
But that's just me.
OP has her own things she cares about.
Her H should be sensitive to that (within reason).
We are all different. There is not a strict divide about what is important and what isn't. Differentname you might care about mother's day but not anniversaries, that is just you. Other people are different. Your views are not the only way to be in the whole world!

Sardine, yes I do care about anniversaries, I just don't expect everyone else to remember it, which was kinda my point. I was telling op not to be surprised if her parents/in laws don't give them cards on their anniversary. Most people don't actually remember/make an effort to send cards, not just for anniversaries, but for most celebrations.

I wasn't implying that my way should be the way of the world, simply offering a different view to op as to why she may not get inundated with cards every year, because to me, it sounds like she expects an influx of cards each year...and ime, that rarely happens!

My point about the thank you cards was that as her dh doesn't care, he either doesn't do his share (not acceptable to her) or she does it. You can't force someone to do something they really don't want to, can you!

Look, I have an employee who is messy; it irritates the hell out of me. I've told her, and she carries on being messy. She has worked for me for three years. HOWEVER, she more than makes up for this messiness with a whole host of other qualities which are marvelous so the messiness I have learned to live with.

Sometimes you just have to let go a bit

i read this thread last night. first thoughts - OP you have only been married 2 months! It does sound like you had significant issues in the marriage even before you tied the knot but anyway, you are married now and have both got to try to make this work. The issues that you have, on the surface are trivial e.g who puts what in the bin (FGS!), who cleans what, who does the cards, who cooks etc You are both going to have to lighten up and become more flexible. you like schedules/planning time to do things - he doesn't. its not working for you on that score - you are chasing him, managing his behaviour, ,developing 'strategies'. It really should not be that difficult!
There is a lot of good advice on this thread - you need to try and take it.

re the cards - why not take them to the pub and do them? go this weekend to a nice pub, sit outside, few drinks, get the cards done but in a more pleasant atmosphere. if he doesn't do them you have a choice: do them all yourself or feel stressed that he hasn't done them and resentful. I do all the thank you cards in our house. I hate driving, DH does all the driving. I do the finances, DH does the renewals on insurances etc. this is not an official scheduled arrangement, its just an informal pattern that we have got into over the years. we both do our share and it doesn't need to be pre-arranged. I might hoover whilst he cooks or vice versa. we just do what needs to be done!

re the coming in late - either he isn't someone that is bothered about being on time or he is trying to wind you up. you can either tell him you are narked off (NB you seem very reluctant to actually tell him when you have an issue) or, in this case, I probably would have called him 'I'm finished work now - you still at pub? I will come down and join you' or 'am finished work now - are you still planning to cook or will you be getting a takeaway for us on the way home?'

your current arrangements do sound a bit lacking in fun - what happened to the honeymoon period? this weekend why not do something nice together - forget the cards/housework - go for a day out and just enjoy eachother's company - kick back and relax a bit

I do echo what other posters have said - do not get pg until your relationship is on a much firmer footing.

good luck op