Husband regularly breaks 'little' promises

[Dref]

Hello everyone-I am new to this forum! I am newly married but been living with husband for 3 years. Last week for three nights in a row we went out separately but had an arrangement for time we'd be home. Each time he was later than he said by 2 hours. I saw this as 'reasonable' on the thurs and fri eve as he was down pub with friends. But on third eve it was a week night and in the morning I reminded him I was teaching all evening at home and therefore wouldn't have time to cook. So he offered to do it. We also agreed that morning we had to finish our thankyou cards to wedding guests who'd given us presents because his Mum had sent a curt email 'reminding' us after her friend hinted she'd had no card. We had actually arranged for him to do his side and me mine because we had a very big wedding and after planning almost all of it because he was busy, I put a limit on the follow up cards, as I've got work too! So this issue went like this and I'd like to know if anyone else would find this annoying/upsetting/inconsiderate?:

husband: 3pm-I've got to go out and I'll be 2 hours (this was an unplanned work thing which cropped up at 3ish)
me: ok, remember you said you'd cook dinner tonight...
DH: I'll only be 2 hours i.e. 5pm
husband: text at 6pm-I'll be half an hour coming home. Am leaving now.
me: 6.45pm husband not home and I twig he's in pub and feel very miffed about dinner arrangement.
Me: have break between 7-8pm and sit down to do the rest of my family/friends thank you cards. Plan was to finish some together as some needed discussion about what to write etc.

I have choice. Fix myself dinner but meant popping to tesco as no shopping in except frozen steak and so on, and therefore abandon now overdue thankyous (his cousin gave us £3000 and I'm getting really self conscious about tardiness of thankyous but my side of family and friends is over 90 guests and I don't want to be lumbered with it all). Or carry on with thank yous. I was really cross. I carried out and posted them and then emailed his MOther to explain how we had shared it but that I'd remind him, he's busy etc. She was fine with that. He was peeved however. Yet all the same did not jump to reply to his Mum that this was his tardiness, not mine.

Going back to when I rang, he was very defensive. He apologised for not being back or texting. Said he thought I was teaching until 8pm and would be back by then to cook. So why say your going to be 2 hours then? Why not say, I'm going to be two hours but may go for a drink and get specific facts about timing. Anyway, I said 9pm to him 3 times.

He also lunched out of my cousins dinner on the Saturday because he was so hungover from Friday. That annoyed me a bit too. On Sunday his sister had a lunch and I wanted to cancel because I was a bit fuzzyheaded from Saturday, but then I didn't drink what I couldve because my SIL had a lunch. From experience, if I'd cancelled he'd have been really upset.

I want to be relaxed about things like this but I was annoyed. Am I being unreasonable to have been pissed off last night? How do I deal with this? It stops for a while and then creeps back in.

"I have to have a strategy for coping with this in a clever way."

That worries me more than anything else you've said. I don't 'cope' with my DH, there is no 'strategy' and I definitely don't need/want to be 'clever' in the way I handle him. it just sounds exhausting.

Can't you just say directly 'DH, you're pissing me off not getting these cards done.' or 'DH, you said you'd be home by x and make me dinner and instead you came home at y and did NOT in fact make me dinner - what the jeff are you playing at?'. If I said either of these to my DH he'd reply: 'Sorry becstarsky, what can I do to make it up to you?' or 'Actually becstarsky, that's unreasonable because of xyz. I'm sorry you were upset, but surely you can see that xyz made it impossible for me to cook your dinner.'

I guess everyone's different but I couldn't be happy if I had to 'manage' my DH. He's a grown man FFS - I have to be able to respect my partner in life.

Yes, as much as I love him he uses lots of deflecting tactics, although hadn't thought of that as one! Last weekend we also had this really intense chat about anniversaries. We've been married a month. He said he had a resistance to celebrating anniversaries and then said "I'll do anniversaries but not any of that commercial crap." It was my parents Ruby and they were in France where they'd bee on honeymoon. My Mum also like those Teddy bear cards. Not my taste or DH but my Mum's. I felt it was a sideways stab at my background. So we talked it through. When I asked him to give me an example of commercial anniversary he could only think of those cards or as he put it "big holidays". He apologised for phrasing it that way and conceded it sounded judgemental towards my Mother. He then laughed how he'd seen his parents on Friday and they had laughed that their anniversary was the day before and they'd forgotten. How liberated of you both. Funny that they've mentioned the fact they forget/can't remember when it is every year around that date. I told him my MIL had told me her and FIL don't love each other and marriage of convenience cos feeling sick of their high and mighty inverted snobbery crap. He kind of knows this and wasn't that phased. In the end he said he likes our anniversaries/valentines so far and we agreed that I wouldn't expect a card from his parents but my parents prob would send us one. That we'd ignore all other married couples stories about their anniversaries incluyding his parents snipey sideways remarks. I doubt my post conveys their behaviour fully but this is what they do.

Also, my MIL is blatantly giving me the cold shoulder since the wedding. She was all nice as pie until she discovered there was a top table. She made little snipey remarks about why, why not a round table, can I subvert the hierarchy and put your SIL on there. No to all of these. She then ruined the photo of just both immediate families by snarling and looking away. We had a lovely wedding with loads of compliments. Most guests come to enjoy themselves and I was always clear on this. Few people come to pass judgement on your choices. She was really rude to my Mum at the engagement party at her house and weeks later at a dinner with just me made snipey remarks about my Mum liking dancing! About my Mum to me! Passive aggressive. DH has learnt so much from them and is slowly starting to see it. SIL was totally supportive of choices we made in wedding.

Yes, simple straightforward requests are better. What I meant by strategy is that when he gets very defensive he pulls stuff in from everywhere, three year old stuff etc. and I get distracted from the simple legitimacy of what I am saying.

Why on earth did you marry this person? You've had a few years to see him in his true colours and it beats me why you think a wedding ring is going to change his personality. A month into marriage you should be totally loved up, not getting wound up on a message board. Imagine in a few years' time when you're juggling a few kids, a job and the housework and Mr 'I Don't Do Anniversaries' decides he won't bother with a Mothers Day card because it's all to cynically commercial.

Newsflash... this is as good as he gets.

You two sound as though you've had very different models of marriage given to you by your respective sets of parents. You sound like a 'talker and resolver' and he sounds extremely passive-aggressive. You do know that these bouts of lateness are deliberate don't you? He doesn't want to be home at the time he agreed and so invents excuses why he is late. He doesn't want to do those thank you cards and invents excuses not to. He knows you'll get more flak if they don't get done, so assumes because you've got a strong sense of the 'right' way to do things, you'll take this on.

Don't assume that couples counselling is only for when you're having problems. I think you two could beneft from 'unlearning' some of the stuff you've brought into this marriage.

Yup. He doesn't really want to do the MOthers days cards. Decided I'd post them myself for the future kids or ask my Sister to help.

Stupid isn't it. I love and married someone whose primary model of a relationship is spiteful and lacking in affection and passed off as being 'above' the common herd.

We also live too near his parents.

That may have been his primary role model but he's a grown up. We can all choose to see the role models in our lives as either 'good examples' or 'dire warnings'. Applies to both of you, of course. Yes, you have been stupid.

Hi sternface, yes couldn't agree with you more. We went for some couples counselling before the wedding because of stresses his family (apart from SIL) were so passive aggressive interfering with the choices (rolling eyes etc). He learnt loads and I did too. We want to continue but money...But I think we should get back to it asap and not just for when falling out.

He learnt that he finds it really hard to stand up to his family and wants their approval. So before the wedding this dynamic started to shift, DH started to verbalise clearly his support for the wedding choices and that is the real reason MIL is being distant. Her brother also joked about her family hierarchy being toppled at the wedding so not my imagination.

Counselling to deal with wedding planning?

And this is the honeymoon stage...

Thank you cards don't need to be a big deal- dear Auntie Margaret, thank you so much for coming to our wedding, it was wonderful that you were able to share our special day. Thank you for the fantastic teapot, we were thrilled to receive it and will be sure to use it often. Love Dref and Selfish Manchild. Job done. Name change and repeat. If DH doesn't like the cards and wording , tough, he can do them himself (but he won't).

Be sure to ring MIL every couple of nights to find out addresses for Auntie Margaret etc- you would ask DH, but he's at the pub and you do so want to get all these cards in the post now you have written them all. Then tell DH that you've done his share of the thank yous so he can do your share of the cleaning in recompense.

Sounds as though he is taking the piss re dinner- was probably hoping to leave it long enough so you'd cooked when he got in. Can you not do extra the night before and then reheat the leftovers before you teach? He can sort his own dinner then.

TBH, it shouldn't be this hard. You shouldn't really need strategies- this is mean tot be the fun part!

I replied on the other thread Dref. I think you'll just have to prioritise things that are important in the next couple of weeks and try and make life easier for you both and not to argue too much about who does what.

Get the letters done they are a priority. And by getting in ready meals and take aways for the short term till you've caught up. It is annoying when you actually do things and then get criticized for it. Like the thank you cards. I'm sure your wedding was a lovely day so don't stress about who said what and did what.

I can see why some of the posters say you sound controlling. Reading your post, did he offer to cook dinner, or was he backed into a corner. But that is neither here nor there, as you sound so unhappy. Cognito is right, this is as good as it gets. So you have a few options.

Put up with it;
Think about it why you are getting upset and whether you are finding that he is pushing your boundaries - in which case learn to tell him your feelings & boundaries and put down consequences (obvs. boundaries are a 2-way street and neither of you seem good at them, as he is being a bit passive-aggressive seemingly as he is not able to easily communicate his needs either) - if you have trouble with boundaries there are lots of books and therapy that can help;
Go to couples counselling if you find you can't get through to each other;
Move on and end the relationship.

Nothing will get better without work, and you do not sound happy. At the end of the day, cards, anniversaries, dinner are not important. But if he is avoiding you and being a bachelor, and you are getting frustrated, angry and controlling - it is not going to just get better. And once children are involved, it gets a lot harder. From my experience, it is very easy for the P to just keep avoiding coming home, and if you are stuck at home caring for a couple of kids, you will get more frustrated and angry!

I don't believe that in an adult relationship that you do just continue behaving like a single 20 year old, flitting in and out as you wish. But a relationship is not a sentence either, it should be a situation where two totally individual people both benefit from being a couple but maintain their individualness. So if he wants to stay out, he should be adult enough to tell you what he is doing and strong enough to state his needs clearly. The same with you, if he lets you down, you need to clearly tell him you are upset, that he has crossed your boundary, and that if he does it again you will continue to confront his behaviour. But you can't turn him into something he isn't, and obviously he did not want to cook dinner.

1. Do the cards yourself - men don't do cards and it gives you a united front.

1. Be firm about his tardiness but don't chase him up. Tell him to call you when, and not before, he has left the venue. Assume he won't be back for dinner. Be more firm about the number of times he goes out.

1. Don't cut MIL off, that's asking for long-term trouble and a spot on Jeremy Kyle in 10 years time when it's reached a head.

1. It was your choice to marry someone who doesn't clean, accept it and move on. See flylady.com for a way to mentally deal with this reality or you'll give yourself years of stress and a chaotic household.

1. He gets very defensive when I say anything because he has a big crumple button that he is not a good person-any comment pointing out some shortcoming jars with this and he can be VERY argumentative back and brings in ammunition from all over the place.

This could be a bit of a red flag. Does he really think he is not a good person or has he tried to make you think he thinks that? He could be aspergers, he could be narcissistic, he could be emotionally abusive. On the other hand he might just be a bit of a bloke being his blokey self.

Counselling to cope with wedding planning?! One month into a marriage and talking about keeping up with couple counselling??!!! OP You're trying to turn this man into something he isn't. You bought a Volkswagen and you're trying to panel-beat it into a Lexus. You don't love him, I suspect, so much as you love the person he'll be once you've finished tweaking him. I can't tell you what a massive mistake that is.

Men bloody DO do cards. What a ridiculous thing to say. I can't be the only person who is regularly put to shame by a male relative's relentless remembering of Second Cousin Olive's birthday or similar.

My dad got my mum a valentine's card a while back after they'd been through a hard time, they don't usually get them but he bought a big soppy card just because he loves her that much and didn't care who knew about it

If he doesn't appreciate or "do" cards, that's fine. Don't get him any. But you do so he should sort it out if he wants to make you happy. It's like saying "I only drink coffee so I am never going to make you a cup of tea" - well you COULD do that but it's petty and being a bit of a tosser to be honest.

Two fantastic analogies there:

Cogito's "You bought a Volkswagen and you're trying to panel-beat it into a Lexus. You don't love him, I suspect, so much as you love the person he'll be once you've finished tweaking him. "

and Elephant's "If he doesn't appreciate or "do" cards, that's fine. Don't get him any. But you do so he should sort it out if he wants to make you happy. It's like saying "I only drink coffee so I am never going to make you a cup of tea"

Elephant's analogy totally makes sense to me. Corgito, that is a bit harsh. Course I love him. I can see a mismatch between my model i.e. Dad/brothers/other men and DH. It's just that a lot of his stuff is based on passive aggressiveness. If he said, I'm not really into that but cos a card will make YOU happy then so be it. I actually buy him really quirky stuff for these celebrations as that is what will make HIM happier. It is a two way street.

Alright advice please.

After telling me off about fish in bin etc. today I noticed smell in bin. His fish and chips from last night. I mentioned it in passing and he said he'd put it outside. He has gone and I am teaching today so students will smell kitchen as walk in. So I am doing his part of household chore. He KNOWS the nights I teach. I have pointed out to him I'm losing 1 hour on these days tidying up etc.

1. Is this passive aggressive on his part?
2. I could do it but then what? Do everything for ever?
3. I could text him to express my frustration but he takes that as a criticism
4. I tell him when he comes in, but he will say I'm picking. Any then does it again!!!

Oh my goodness, I would seriously be setting a deadline for cutting your losses and do not get pregnant with this person while he keeps mucking you around, he sounds like a lot of hard work.

I'm sorry, but if he breaks agreements and lets you down all the time now, it is only going to get worse.

I posted before you posted about fish and chip-gate! That all sounds a bit weird, you say you love him but everything he does annoys you!

I think you both need to cut each other some slack - the respect is draining away fast here I'm afraid.

Feel free to use my analogy on him if you want!

I think Cogitos analogy was bang-on from what you've said, OP. If it's not, then there's a whole other side to your relationship with your DH that isn't coming through on this thread.

I don't read it that your counselling was about wedding planning at all, but about how to build a marriage despite having very conflicting parental models to work from. Living in close proximity of one of the worst is I agree, a bad decision.

Remove the fish and chips and clean the bin. Use Fabreze and open the windows. Cook a lemon in the microwave to rid the house of the smell.

Don't use texts for grievances. Talk about them face-to-face.

Prioritise some money for counselling. The rot's setting in here and probably did so long before the big wedding. There are big differences that need to be resolved before you can have an adult-adult relationship. Right now it's more like parent-child.