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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did something very stupid

32 replies

sadandlonely · 27/02/2006 14:42

I'll try not to make this too long, but basically a few weeks ago after a stupid amount of alcohol I did something incredibly stupid. I slept with my friends dh. It was only once and although I know why I did it that's not really important.

My friend now knows, and obviously now hates me. For very good reason too. This one stupid mistake has had such an impact all round. Although my dh will never find out, all our friendships will be ruined. We can no longer be friends with them. The things we had planned will never happen. I am at rock bottom, and yes I know it's nothing to how my now ex-friend feels. Can we move on? I desperately want to get all our firendships back. That's more important to me than anything.

Or have I f*** it up completely?

Please feel free to flame me. It's what I deserve.

OP posts:

welshboris · 27/02/2006 14:44

Not my place to judge, but I dont think will ever be the same again chick

Radley · 27/02/2006 14:45

How can you be certain that your dh will NEVER find out, if your x-friend knows, she may find it hard to deal with and tell your dh as payback.

Also, will your dh get suspicious at the things that you had planned together being cancelled?

I very very much doubt you would get your friendship back, if you did, the lack of trust would be there.

Fimbo · 27/02/2006 14:45

Why do you think your dh won't find out?

LadySherlockofLGJ · 27/02/2006 14:45

You have I am afraid. cocked it up totally, I would never let you within an asses roar of my DH.

I would also be resenting you for the fact that you would have forced me to take a long hard look at my relationship with my DH, a relationship that she probably thought was perfectly OK ??

NotQuiteCockney · 27/02/2006 14:45

I really doubt your friend will forgive you. Maybe in a few years? Not now.

And I think you should tell your DH.

noddyholder · 27/02/2006 14:46

I agree that your dh will probably find out Do you want to be with dh

desperateSCOUSEwife · 27/02/2006 14:48

agree with others about telling your dh
you dont wont it to accidently slip out on purpose will you????
cant judge you at all but can understand others saying that it will never be the same again
and it wont imo

WideAwake · 27/02/2006 14:48

If you confess with regret he may forgive you, if he finds out some other way he will feel a fool as well as betrayed (mans point of view)

LIZS · 27/02/2006 14:53

If you can get yourself so drunk as to let that happen, you may well let it slip to your dh next time , even assuming your "friend " or her dh don't get there first. Sorry but think she'll have a hard time forgiving you enough to resume your friendship. She is going to have to do some hard thinking over her marriage first and foremost, since presumably her h wasn't blameless either. Surely your relationship with your dh ought to be more important than their friendship. If it isn't then perhaps you should reflect upon why not ?

Kathlean · 27/02/2006 14:53

I agree with the others. Your friend may well tell your DH as revenge. Also your DH may be curious as to why you are no longer friends and may go to her to find out why.

She will blame you far more than her H even though you are both equally guilty. Give her space and let her come to you if she wants.

There must be deeper issues as drink or no drink friends husbands/boyfriends are off limits.

JennyLee · 27/02/2006 15:13

if you are sure dh will never and i mean never find out don't tell him as then it just hurts more people and just gets worse and he will be in pain adn upset maybe even leave you. However if it is quite likely that he will find out, you should tell him first so it is not as humiliating for him. and don;t do it again if he does not find out as that would just be taking the mickey and humiliationg him behind his back

batters · 27/02/2006 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

sadandlonely · 27/02/2006 15:57

My ex-friend and her dh know what it would do to my dh if they ever told him. They also know what it would do to us as a family. One of them knows the pain of a broken marriage and they have both sworn never to tell dh. i trust them, and am very grateful to them.

Yes of course there are issues between mysefl and my dh - I have been looking very long and hard at these for a long time, and after I made my stupid mistake realised he and our kids deserved better. I am getting used to the fact that that things won't change between us, not without a lot of pain for him and the dks. This is my life and I am now accepting it.

The one thing that made my life bearable was having this close friendship which I have now screwed up. That's why this is so important to me.

They are planning to relocate far enough away so that the events we had planned just won't be practical fro us all to do. I guess their moving will make from dh's pov their friendship just drift away naturally so he probably won't suspect anything. Although he will be disappointed as he thought they were good friendds which they were.

If anyone out there is thinking about the same thing with someone else's dh- please don't. I didn;t think there was anyway our mistake would be foound out, but it was.

OP posts:

Flossam · 27/02/2006 16:00

S&L, I think your 'friends' are being incredibly kind to you and your DH. Sorry for being very blunt but you are right to be upset about the loss of friendship. If I were able to act with just half of the dignity with which they (or, well, your female friend at least, can't dissolve husband of blame int this) I would be amazed.

tiredemma · 27/02/2006 16:07

how did she find out? did he tell her?

was it a one off thing or was there always an attraction?

( sorry to fire questions, i just cannot ever imagine myself in the state where i would ever sleep with my best mates hubby, i find it difficult to comprehend- im just curios as to if this was ever something that was always underlying and going to happen, or something from being so smashed, you could of slept with literally anyone)

Original poster

sadandlonely · 27/02/2006 16:12

There had been a lot of mutual flirting for a while. One night it simply got out of hand. We both deeply regretted it afterwards.

Ex-friend somehow had spotted the signs and confronted her dh who cannot lie to save his life and so admitted it.

Flossam yes you are right she has acted with amazing dignity. She is a much better stronger person than I can ever hope to be. She was a truly amazing friend.

OP posts:

wannaBe1974 · 27/02/2006 16:14

You have betrayed a lot of people here, and tbh I think your friend is very admirable for swearing she'll never tell. if it was my friend who had slept with my DH I'm not sure I would be so understanding. But we're all human and none of us is infallible, but I think that firstly you need to accept that the friendship is over, and secondly you need to take a look at your relationship with your DH to see where things have gone wrong. If things can be put right, then you need to work together to put them right. If you want a future with your DH then you need to work on it together, but you need to work this out otherwise there is a chance this will happen again.

Just out of interest, how did it come about that you and your friend's DH were alone together and drunk, and in a position where you could sleep together?

noddyholder · 27/02/2006 16:16

Do you want to make a go of it with your dp or are you planning to leave him?

Original poster

sadandlonely · 27/02/2006 16:22

I do want a future with dh, but it's not the sort of future I would have chosen IYSWIM. The spark was never really there. There is love of a kind, but more of being mates. If we didn't have kids then maybe I would leave him, but we do and althogh I am obviously a selfish cow given what I have done I think they deserve better than to come from a broken home. Dh is a good father.

Things will not really get any better between us, but I can live with a certain contentedness that we have, but this will never happen again. I have well and truly learnt this one. the stupid thing is I had learnt this after our mistake and was acepting it. Now my world has come tumbling down again.

for the record 1974 we quite often went round theirs or they came round ours. Inevitably several bottles of wine came with us and as me and ex-friends' dh don't work the long hours she or my dh work our stamina for a drinking session is higher, hence why we were left up with several not quite empty bottles crying out to be finished.

OP posts:

Original poster

sadandlonely · 27/02/2006 16:23

Yes noddy I want to stay with dh.

OP posts:

noddyholder · 27/02/2006 16:24

If you are determined to stay with him it might be worth trying to rekindle something or it will be pure misery.How does he feel about you?There must be something to build on

WideWebWitch · 27/02/2006 16:29

God. I don't know what to say. I think you have to accept that you made a terrible mistake and there's not a lot you can do about it. Your friend sounds much more understanding than I would be I think. I'm not sure what you're looking for here really.

DumbledoresGirl · 27/02/2006 16:29

SadandLonely, I think the only thing you can do is try to now behave with as much dignity as your friend has done. Let her go. Do not try to revive the friendship. If I were that friend, I would not ever want to have anything to do with you (I am sorry if that sounds harsh, but I am sure you know that anyway). You will have to grieve for what might have been. You won't forget the hurt you have caused both you and your friend and her dh, but you can learn from it.

I don't know if you should confess all to your dh. It seems almost inevitable that he will find out one day....

wannaBe1974 · 27/02/2006 16:36

ok so you and your DH inevitably went round to your friend's house - was it common practice to stay over then? Even considering you live close together? And I'm guessing then that your friend, and your DH went to bed in their respective bedrooms and you and her DH got smashed and had sex .. in the livingroom?

If this happened then I think you have been more irresponsible than anyone can imagine as you've had sex under the same roof as your DH and the other man's wife, but tbh something just sounds not quite right here.

Bugsy2 · 27/02/2006 16:43

Poor you. Horrible situation to be in.

I think your friend may never forgive you - I'm not sure I could. My own view is that it is really important to make a big effort with your marriage, particularly if you want to stay with your dh.
In your head, I think you have to accept that you made a mistake and try to look at positive ways of making the future better for you and your dh.

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