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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

first love still infatuated with me 15yrs on

37 replies

GetOutMyPub · 26/06/2012 12:20

I need a little advise about what to do next.
Out of the blue, I recieved a PM on my FB account this is the conversation...

Hi Getout

You might not remember "M" from a long time ago but i dont know if hes over you -but please no more letters or emails from you, im asking as his future wife i really dont think they're helpful.

kind regards F

You can ignore all the other messages - we broke up. I don't really know what to say to you except that I think m will always be waiting for you. Sorry for the messages.

Dear F

I have no idea if this message was sent this year or not, I have had no contact with M for a couple of years now, since I told him of the birth of my second son (who has just turned 3) I only noticed your message because a friend of mine asked why I hadnt replied to her message.

I am happily married and have kept all contact minimal as it would be hard to explain our friendship to my husband. And to tell the truth, after we split I always felt uncomfortable with how I knew he still had feelings for me.

I am sorry that you and M have split up as I have always hoped that he would find that special one and be happliy settled with the stable family unit he has always desired. He always wanted to be married young with lots of kids (and be a millionaire before he turned 21)

M has always meant an awful lot to me and we had a very great friendship at one time. We were very young and had our whole lives ahead of us. We were just kids really.

I also think that the time we shared together was the first time he was ever truly happy which is probably the root of all of his relationship problems.

He has always had a lot going on in with his family and I think I was his escapism from that. Before he met me he would smoke a lot of weed and do other drugs I believe.

With an older womens hindsight, I see the effects of what the drugs and his family life did to him.

Looking back I can see that he suffered bouts of depression which I never realised at the time as being that, (only with a grown women's hindsight) he would shut himself away, not eat or sleep, and just work, work work (I was away at uni) He was a very complex person, insecure, and a deep, analytical thinker which I don't think helps when you have mental health issues.

He was always had a very lost little boy living inside of him.

Then over the years, he has tried to contact me a couple of times, always when he was going through a very bad period in his life. (which now explains why he has asked to be my FB friend today- after all this I don't think it would be very wise for me to accept his friendship right now )

I think he has a biased view of our relationship, there were plenty of warning signs as to why things would never work out for us. He has often said over the years about "not getting over me" I honestly think his mental health issues have clouded his memories of "us" and of "me" what he is really pining for are the amazing care-free times that we had, just being able to enjoy each other without all the day-to-day crap and responsibilites that comes with being an adult and of course that elusive joy that comes with being young.

There is plenty of research on "first love" to back this up, I am NOT trying to excuse/dismiss my part of the story. The fact that whenever something bad happens to him, he has always tried to contact me again - never when he has been happy, supports this.

Widows who have lost their soulmates are able to eventually move on and remarry, people can be married for decades have a number of children between them and for whatever reason split-up are still able to move on with their lives and find new lovers, so I really think that his issues of our "lost love" are far more than just that.

I think for him to ever be able to move on he and have any successful relationship, he needs help to come to terms with his childhood/teen years as well as "our" relationship.

We were kids, we had a very typical but intense teen relationship. Like most people's first serious relationships.

I am no saint, I don't deserve to be put on a pedestal. I have very many flaws just like everyone else. I am not even the 19 yr old M remembers or probably ever was how he remembers me.

I remember that 17 year old boy very fondly and feel very sad for him and the life he never had.

please help him to get the help that he has always needed,
Getout

She has just replied back to me but I really do not want to carry on with our conversation. What do I do next?

I was 19 when we got together - 36 now!!! We havent seen each other since I was 22!!!! So all this happened another life time ago.

Part of me feels responsible for how his life turned out, In the brief contact we have had over the years (letters, emails & txts I have had same mobile no & email all adult life,) he has always said that he has never got over me, that it took 10 yrs to get over me, he wants to be on his own all his life because no girl will ever be me etc

Another part of me just wants to scream GROW.THE.FUCK.UP!

I don't want to reply to her, I don't want any more contact with him. I want to leave things in the past where they belong, but I feel really guilty and wonder if I am being a heartless bitch?

your opionions please ladies.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/06/2012 12:32

I don't think you should have bothered replying in the first place. Now that you have, drop them (or defriend them or whatever it is on FB) and move on.

amillionyears · 26/06/2012 12:32

sounds spot on to me
it has to come from the heart,your heart,and I think it does this very well.
Would F be passing the message on to m?

amillionyears · 26/06/2012 12:34

Or you could do what Cogito says.You dont have to reply to F if you dont want to.

IawnCont · 26/06/2012 12:36

That was a very long message you sent back to her. All you needed to say was "there has been no contact with M for 3 years. I am happily married. Sorry it took so long to reply."

lynniep · 26/06/2012 12:38

seriously - you wrote an article when you could have just ignored, or said what IawnCont said. blimey. bit OTT!

GetOrfMoiiLand · 26/06/2012 12:46

I would have just ignored it tbh, but now you have replied, anmd don't want to get into a correspondence with her, just delete them both.

Don't feel an ounce of guilt. Like you say you haven't seen him since you were 22. If he is as much of a drip to still be hung up on someone he went out with over 15 years there is not much you can do. If his life is a train wreck that is his own fault. You have your family and partner - concentrate on them and not some dweeb from the past. Really, don't feel responsible.

BelieveInPink · 26/06/2012 12:55

There was no need to send that massively long post. All it will serve to do is make her feel worse. And makes you sound like you're blowing your own trumpet. And it's patronising. And she'll come back with more and more questions.

I would have sent a two line post saying I hadn't spoken to him in years, and that I wished him well. Done now though.

Taghain · 26/06/2012 12:58

Here's an opposite point of view based on experience.
When my first proper GF & I broke up after about 18 months, I was devastated. I hankered after her for a dozen years or so, in spite of getting married & having children in the interval. We lived 250 miles apart so bumping into each other was never an option, but somehow we met again - she was going through a rough patch.
Seeing her again broke the spell when I saw the woman who replaced the girl. We're now good friends but the pining and moping have gone: I think I grew up and out of it.

So don't actively avoid your ex. If her were to see a 36-year old woman who has moved on, it might enable him to snap out of his daydream.

Marne · 26/06/2012 13:00

I agree with the others, you ave writen too much (no need for a huge explination), if you have no feelings for him then i would just leave it and not reply.

BelieveInPink · 26/06/2012 13:01

That's true. He's obviously hankering after the memory rather than the reality.

I have someone who was "the one who got away" and for years, I wondered "what if I'd given him a chance". I saw him recently and all those thoughts went flying out of the window. He is not that person any more. Far from what was in my imagination.

carlywurly · 26/06/2012 13:02

How bizarre. The first paragraph alone would have been fine. I wouldn't engage in anything more, it's not your business any more. Sounds like the kind of situation you don't want to become embroiled in, tbh.

AmberLeaf · 26/06/2012 13:03

I think your reply was rather epic and it sounded like you care a bit too much!

I can see how your reply could be very hurtful to her tbh

StuntGirl · 26/06/2012 14:01

Good grief, I didn't even get halfway through that epic novel before I gave up. Why on earth did you send her such a detailed reply?

I think now you should probably ignore any further communication from both of them. They are nothing to do with you or your life anymore so why bother? Move on and let them sort their own lives out, they are grown adults.

thekidsarealright · 26/06/2012 14:11

Blimey - I had to go back to read it to check if you were still writing the message or telling us something. Why did you feel the need to go into so much detail? And as someone previously said, you come across as patronising and gloating. Blush

bigTillyMint · 26/06/2012 14:19

Yes TMI in the letter - if you genuinely want to stop this now, you just need to say that you are sorry if he still hasn't gotten over you 22 years later, but that you moved on a long time ago and have no feelings at all for him.

It actually comes across as if you are imagining yourself to be the lead character in a book, with some poor demented soul pining for you because you are so beautiful, delightful, etc. I'm sure you didn't mean it to sound like that.

Original poster
GetOutMyPub · 26/06/2012 14:19

thanks for all your input

I am rather long-winded and not very to the point so the response I wrote was typically me.

Some of the things he has said to me over the years made me think that I was responsible for the way that his life turned out, and so I never fully cut all ties because I have always been waiting for the call to say he was happily married with kids, steady job etc. I have always been haunted by guilt that I have a happy life and his has just been a train-wreck, as it was so promising. (and that I was to blame for that)

I am glad you all say to delete him & her from my life, that is what I was wanting to do but have held back for the reasons I just mentioned.

Many thanks everyone!

(off to block them both now, they are not in my "friends" list. She just somehow found me on FB and sent me a private message)

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 26/06/2012 14:20

Have you actually sent that reply?

Because it's a bit mad. All that stuff about how Widows cope when they lose their soulmates made me snort up a piece of cherry and then I had a coughing fit.

ShirleyKnot · 26/06/2012 14:20

Whoops x posted.

FioFio · 26/06/2012 14:24

shirleyknot:o

you have wrote alot though and really you don't need to explain yourself to anyone for goodness sake! Surely in 17 years EVERYONE moves on. If he hasn't it's most probably more to do with substance abuse than being in love with you still

GetOrfMoiiLand · 26/06/2012 14:52

Why did you snort some cherries shirley?

How would that happen?

Have you got a nosebag on?

ShirleyKnot · 26/06/2012 15:21

I was eating a cherry and I snorted and when I did that a little bit of cherry flew out of my mouth and up my nose.

GetOrfMoiiLand · 26/06/2012 15:24

Snorting cherries.

Just say no, shirl.

HereIGo · 26/06/2012 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SundaysGirl · 26/06/2012 15:47

Yes i'm afraid I agree with other posters about the patronising style of the message you sent to her. I am also a bit confused as to why you went to the effort of sending such a long and detailed message (and some of it seemed sensible to me, other parts pure speculation) to her and are now posting it on mumsnet wailing about how she's replied and you don't want this conversation. You were the one who took it to the next level with such a long and unnecessary email giving all these detaisl as 'fact' when you probably have zero clue about his life. Erm..a bit melodramatic don't you think?

If you really feel / believe this stuff about this ex of yours then you ought to say it to him along with a clear indication that he's being a twit to be 'waiting' for you. Tell him in no unceratin terms if you are really so concerned with his wellbeing. And then don't have ANY contact with him.

Keeping in touch so you could hear he has gotten over you and is happily married? Really?

I wonder whether your ego is liking this just a tad too much.

Offred · 26/06/2012 17:16

Another vote for extremely inappropriate and hurtful reply which makes me wondering if actually the "feeling bad his life was a train wreck" was more like dangling him on a string as an ego boost... If you have never explicitly told him that you have no feelings for him, are happy and uninterested in him because all he was to you was a teen romance then I think you have been a little cruel. But he is also a drip perhaps with low self esteem, however if you got together when you were 19 and he was 17 it makes me wonder if your relationship has always been and never ceased being an obsession for him and therefore an ego boost for you.

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