first love still infatuated with me 15yrs on

[GetOutMyPub]

I need a little advise about what to do next.
Out of the blue, I recieved a PM on my FB account this is the conversation...

Hi Getout

You might not remember "M" from a long time ago but i dont know if hes over you -but please no more letters or emails from you, im asking as his future wife i really dont think they're helpful.

kind regards F

You can ignore all the other messages - we broke up. I don't really know what to say to you except that I think m will always be waiting for you. Sorry for the messages.

Dear F 

I have no idea if this message was sent this year or not, I have had no contact with M for a couple of years now, since I told him of the birth of my second son (who has just turned 3) I only noticed your message because a friend of mine asked why I hadnt replied to her message.

I am happily married and have kept all contact minimal as it would be hard to explain our friendship to my husband. And to tell the truth, after we split I always felt uncomfortable with how I knew he still had feelings for me.

I am sorry that you and M have split up as I have always hoped that he would find that special one and be happliy settled with the stable family unit he has always desired. He always wanted to be married young with lots of kids (and be a millionaire before he turned 21)

M has always meant an awful lot to me and we had a very great friendship at one time. We were very young and had our whole lives ahead of us. We were just kids really.

I also think that the time we shared together was the first time he was ever truly happy which is probably the root of all of his relationship problems.

He has always had a lot going on in with his family and I think I was his escapism from that. Before he met me he would smoke a lot of weed and do other drugs I believe.

With an older womens hindsight, I see the effects of what the drugs and his family life did to him.

Looking back I can see that he suffered bouts of depression which I never realised at the time as being that, (only with a grown women's hindsight) he would shut himself away, not eat or sleep, and just work, work work (I was away at uni) He was a very complex person, insecure, and a deep, analytical thinker which I don't think helps when you have mental health issues.

He was always had a very lost little boy living inside of him.

Then over the years, he has tried to contact me a couple of times, always when he was going through a very bad period in his life. (which now explains why he has asked to be my FB friend today- after all this I don't think it would be very wise for me to accept his friendship right now )

I think he has a biased view of our relationship, there were plenty of warning signs as to why things would never work out for us. He has often said over the years about "not getting over me" I honestly think his mental health issues have clouded his memories of "us" and of "me" what he is really pining for are the amazing care-free times that we had, just being able to enjoy each other without all the day-to-day crap and responsibilites that comes with being an adult and of course that elusive joy that comes with being young.

There is plenty of research on "first love" to back this up, I am NOT trying to excuse/dismiss my part of the story. The fact that whenever something bad happens to him, he has always tried to contact me again - never when he has been happy, supports this.

Widows who have lost their soulmates are able to eventually move on and remarry, people can be married for decades have a number of children between them and for whatever reason split-up are still able to move on with their lives and find new lovers, so I really think that his issues of our "lost love" are far more than just that.

I think for him to ever be able to move on he and have any successful relationship, he needs help to come to terms with his childhood/teen years as well as "our" relationship.

We were kids, we had a very typical but intense teen relationship. Like most people's first serious relationships.

I am no saint, I don't deserve to be put on a pedestal. I have very many flaws just like everyone else. I am not even the 19 yr old M remembers or probably ever was how he remembers me.

I remember that 17 year old boy very fondly and feel very sad for him and the life he never had.

please help him to get the help that he has always needed,
Getout

She has just replied back to me but I really do not want to carry on with our conversation. What do I do next?

I was 19 when we got together - 36 now!!! We havent seen each other since I was 22!!!! So all this happened another life time ago.

Part of me feels responsible for how his life turned out, In the brief contact we have had over the years (letters, emails & txts I have had same mobile no & email all adult life,) he has always said that he has never got over me, that it took 10 yrs to get over me, he wants to be on his own all his life because no girl will ever be me etc

Another part of me just wants to scream GROW.THE.FUCK.UP!

I don't want to reply to her, I don't want any more contact with him. I want to leave things in the past where they belong, but I feel really guilty and wonder if I am being a heartless bitch?

your opionions please ladies.

And I really don't see why it was ok to say that stuff to his ex. Tbh I'd quit worrying about him and perhaps at least briefly apologise to her for how you have behaved which I think is very cruel. If they were due to marry it is patronising in the extreme to breakdown his personality as though she hardly knew him especially if you have not seen him in three years. It implies you enjoy the drama and attention and that she is correct in thinking she could never compare to you. I also think it is cruel to subject her to all of that and then not read her response and block her. Block him but you at least owe it to her to undo what you have just done.

What an awful, awful reply to send to his ex-fiance. Have you any idea how patronising and self obsessed you sound? Rubbing her nose in the fact that he had tried to facebook you today was completely unnecessary. You sound like you imagine yourself as the star of a Mills and Boon novel!
I'd apologise to her for being a twat basically and then cut contact with her

Getoutmypub, you ahve gone to great lengths to try to explain things to his ex, I dont' know why that is so bad (judging by the other posts).
I think you ahve tried to be helpful.
As you said he really shouldn't be pining over something which was from the distant past.
You can reply to the ex if you want. It depends a bit on what she says.
Surely noone can expect you to want to rekindle your relationship after 14 years and you with DCs and a happy marriage. Perhaps your boyfriend was just using you as an excuse to finish with his partner.
But you don't need to prolong this as there is nothing you can do to help.

I think your message was rather self indulgent and tbh has probably just reinforced to her that she will never come first with him.

Oh that was a bloody horrible response to send back! Why on earth would you think that was ok to say to someone who has split up from the man she was to marry?!

Completely patronising and self-indulgent. Talk about digging the knife in! Yes block her. For HER sake.

I am sorry that my message sounds self-indulgent and patronising to so many of you that wasnt my intention at all.

It was a heartfelt letter in which i tried to explain that it is not me that he has pined for all this time but more the memory.

We knew each other through most of our teens, well before we became bf & Gf and had a great friendship.

About 6 months after we split, his sister phoned me to tell me he had tried to take his own life, he had a lot of family crap going on but us finishing was apparently the "straw that broke the camels back" that has always haunted me.

Well ok but you have managed to be concise and articulate here. Whether you meant it to be hurtful or not, it certainly reads to me as though it may have been to her; an extremely upsetting confirmation of all her worst fears.

I think she deserves an apology from you BUT I don't think you should contact her again. She's probably utterly miserable and thinks you're being smug about knowing him better.

Just leave her alone to get on with her life at this stage. You can't un-do it now.

It's not because of you his life hasn't worked out, it's because of HIM. You and his ex fiancee both had a lucky escape IMO.

Goodness, gracious me! what a huge ego you've got OP!

Utter drivel!

Yes block both of them on FB now & forget about it all. Not your problem!

I think the problem you've got is you don't know her from a hole in the wall so you've no idea how she would react to such a detailed reply. She might have found it helpful, TBH I'd have found it - as his current partner - a bit much.

You tried your best, even if it wasn't perhaps the wisest reply. Best to completely withdraw from it now, reply to her again if you like but keep it to a 'I've said all I can and i don't want to get involved, please do not contact me again.'