Alcoholic H. Don't know what to do

[Cluffyfunt]

Hi,
I've posted under name changes about my H and his nasty behaviour whilst drinking.

He has finally admitted that he has a real problem and hates himself for letting alcohol take over so much of his/our family's lives.

He has done some awful things to me whilst drunk.
I have pointed out to him that he is still responsible for his behaviour and can't blame everything on the drink -he agrees.

I don't know where to go from here.
He doesn't think the aa are for him, but wants to do something proactive.

I've no experience of addiction (before this) and am at a loss

I love my H and want us to work, he just needs to stop drinking and I don't know how to help/support him.

He needs to see his GP first of all really. There is probably a local alcohol service that may be able to support you both.

He should not suddenly stop drinking without medical support, if he is drinking plenty everyday, it can cause shaking, agitation and dangerous seizures (fits) and needs to reduce gradually/with medication. He may also need vitamin supplements from the dr as he may be depleted in B vitamins/thiamine particularly.

But he needs to do it himself. You can't stop for him.

Thanks MMWA

He doesn't get 'the shakes' but does get agitated/snappy/fidgety when he wants to drink.
He drinks every evening (no vodka on his cornflakes!) fron six ish but starts at lunch time on the weekends.

I wish I could stop for him.
I know I can't though.

I don't know weather to remove all the beer from the fridge or leave it up to him.
I want to support but not take over as I think it might make it harder.

It often takes lot of attempts to stop, TBH.

I have nursed loads of patients coming off alcohol. Is totally different when it's your own though, I'm pretty sure my dad is an alcoholic and I can't do anything for him. But vitamins are important, not stopping suddenly is important. You can only do what you can.

Just a quick note to say it is possible without AA.
My ex was ejected from our house 2 Years ago, tried AA but felt it wasn't for him, concentrated on working hard & exercising.
Has totally changed in that time, to the point we are trying again.
I am amazed at the change in him, and never thought it possible.
My advice is be firm with him. HE has to do this!
Good luck

The best way you can support him, is to go to an al anon meeting and get hte support you need.

If he is serious about quitting he needs to go to Alcoholics Anonymous but he can only do this himself.
You can get a lot of support from Al Anon. They really are the best people to help you.
There is a support thread on here somewhere for the partners of addicts which has lots of helpful advice.
I feel for you, I've been there and it's a horrible place to be, especially when you have children.

Hi
I was recently with someone who had a cocaine habit and, in all the reading I've done since it was over, the message I've had is that there's nothing you can do to stop them. They have to want to do it for themselves. I also kept seeing 'you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it'.

That probably doesn't sound very helpful, I know, but it might help you to detach from him a little.

A friend of mine married someone who later turned out to be an alcoholic. She eventually went to AA meetings of her own accord and gave up. In the meantime, he went to Al Anon meetings - support groups for partners/families of alcoholics - and that has helped him cope with it all. He is now very wise and was very helpful to me in the last couple of weeks when I was feeling particularly bad about the end of my 'relationship' with the cocaine user.

Can you find an Al Anon meeting in your area? I imagine it must be very difficult to deal with without wanting to help especially when you're living with someone whose behaviour is impacting on you.

Just a quick note to say it is possible without AA.
My ex was ejected from our house 2 Years ago, tried AA but felt it wasn't for him, concentrated on working hard & exercising.
Has totally changed in that time, to the point we are trying again.
I am amazed at the change in him, and never thought it possible.
My advice is be firm with him. HE has to do this!
Good luck

You can't help and support him to change his own behaviour: all that is going to have to come from him. Deciding that he wants to change, choosing a strategy, sticking with it... those can only be his choices.

What you can do is decide what your limits are, and enforce them. It may well prove to be the best incentive for him to make changes, and therefore the best kind of "help" there is for him, but you should be doing this first of all for you, for your own well-being.

Thank you all.

I don't know about setting limits or enforcing them
Do you mean asking him to leave if he drinks?

I have said to him that he is not welcome in our home if he is drunk and the DC should never see him like that again (oldest DC is scared of the change in him and will go to his room to keep away )

H has just called me from work and is sounding quite determined to quit the booz.

I asked him if he thought cutting right down instead of stopping dead would be better, but he thinks that is for people who drink all day and night.

I am worried he will find it too much and fall off the waggon.

He wants to eventually be able to drink socially.
I'm not sure he will manage that because he can never just have one. Can that change?

I'm sorry but I've been here with this one. He's saying the right things but his actions don't match. If he's rejected AA, there's still beer in the fridge and he thinks cutting down is something he can manage then the message is very clear... he does not think he has a problem really and is not at all serious about quitting. He's just fobbing you off for a little longer & kicking the metaphorical can a little further down the road.

You're being way too understanding at the moment and you are buying the lines. If you love him, you have to make the choices far more stark. Get proper help and properly commit to being teetotal or leave and you'll think about letting him come back when he's sober

Cogito,
H is saying he wants to be t-total now (not cut down- just stop) and wants to be a 'normal' person ie not have to toast a wedding ect with orange juice.

He is embarrassed and sees himself as weak for letting it get this far.

I think he should at least give aa a try.

im the alkie in our marriage, been sober for just over 2 years - there are loads of ways to give up and plenty of support out there but he has to go and seek it out - im a bit at his rejection of AA, has he ever been to a meeting or is he just assuming it isnt for him? i dont think that AA is the be all and end all but it can be a help! it is not full of 'park bench drinkers', the meetings i attend are full of very varied people, from the professional classes to lifers out on licence, your dh needs to let go of his preconceptions and try a meeting!

one thing that AA can teach him is that lots of 'normal' people toast weddings with orange juice, i shall be doing just that at my own dds wedding this summer!

I asked him if he wanted me to remove the beer.
He said no. He's not bothered by it.
I told him not underestimate/ Kidd himself how hard it would be giving up and he didn't need to pretend that he wouldn't be tempted if they were in the fridge, ready for him.

He said maybe I should take them away.

Setting limits - would be you deciding where your boundaries lie, clearly stating them, and most importantly going through with the consequences if they are breached. What the boundaries are are up to you. You might insist that if he drinks, he is honest with you about it, so that you don't get into a car with him and that you don't have to put up with lying. You might need him to never drink again, and if he does that he leaves. Really it is up to you. It depends where your own personal boundaries lie.

Every alcoholic sounds determined to kick the booze. It is what they do to actually go through with it that counts. It is incredibly, nearly impossibly hard for an alcoholic to stop drinking, and without support (e.g. AA) even harder. That is why rehab clinics and AA have such a low success rate. I have met many people who's partners went into the priory 6-7 times and sometimes the alcoholic can be in there for weeks, really sort themselves out, and walk straight out with the best intentions just to go into the nearest pub. Recovery is something only the alcoholic can do, and there are many alcoholics who never reach recovery.

Every alcoholic wants to be able to drink socially again. I think it is fairly safe to say, no he will not ever be able to.

Whether you agree with AA or no, you can read what they say about alcholism here: AA BIg Book.

Seriously, the absolutely best thing you can do to support him is look into Al Anon and get to a meeting. All these questions will be answered by people with real experience.

Yep,
I don't always drink alcohol just because others around me are
If I drink in the day, I just feel tired so I dont bother.

His relationship with drink is very different to most peles I think.

He uses it as a cruch and will make excuses, cause fights, let people down (including our DC), generally miss out on so much all because he drinks!

He recognises that it's hurting him and his loved ones.

I just don't get it.

take them away! tbh honest i think he is telling you what you want to hear, he has no real intention of giving up and thinks if he cuts down for a bit you will stop nagging him (i know this because i have done it myself) - to be fair to him, when you know you have a problem and need to stop drinking it is absolutly terrifying, the thought of living without drink is scary, lonely and very very bleak! if he has been drinking a lot for a long time, he will not remember what it feels like to feel really well, he is living a fog but dosent realise it!

'in' a fog!

'i just dont get it' - im an alcoholic i dont 'get' it either! btw, i have yet to meet an an alcoholic who would not like to be able to drink 'normally' or 'socially', personally i would love to! being strong enough to recognise that i cant has taken years and lots of support from people who really understand (my AA friends) your dh needs real support with this, its incredibly hard!

" wants to be a 'normal' person ie not have to toast a wedding ect with orange juice."

He's contradicting himself. (This is all so familiar) If he equates not drinking with being 'abnormal' then, realistically, how is he ever going to achieve the goal of being teetotal? How is he going to live with being abnormal for the rest of his life? BTW... doesn't matter if there's beer in the fridge or not IME. Mine used to pointedly leave the beer in the fridge untouched as 'proof' that he was behaving, and go get pissed up somewhere else.

Yes it is contradictory.

If he gives up drinking clearly he cannot toast at weddings with alcohol.

It sounds like what he means is he's going to cut right back and become a "normal" drinker. Well that aint gonna happen.

If he is serious he needs to
Act in some way. Consult GP, contact AA, that sort of thing
Get rid of the booze in the house. Seriously. Beer in the fridge when he is trying to quit? I don't think so. He gets twitchy at 6 - drinking time - I reckon it would last til about 7 before finding a reason to have one after all

The boundaries thing is your boundaries. You need to think about what you are willing to put up with for you and your children. So that if he does not change, and it is not acceptable to you that he not change, then you act to protect yourself and your children, to improve your lives.

I am sorry that your H is this way. People do recover but it is hard. Bottom line will be whether he actually wants things to change or not.

Cluffy

The 3cs re alcoholism are ones that you yourself would do well to remember:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

You cannot help him but you can certainly help your own self here.

All are hard to accept but accept the above you must. You love him yes but he loves drink more. His primary relationship at present is with drink and alcohol is a cruel mistress. Like many alcoholics as well he is likely to be in total denial of the problem despite what he says to the contrary and is perhaps only telling you what you want to hear. Also he is likely to be also badly underestimating how much he is drinking. You and your children are caught in the alcoholics fallout. Many of your posts as well are about him in the main; it all centres around the alcoholic.

Unless he himself is serious about seeking help for his drinking problem there is nothing you can do to help him. He has to want to properly tackle the triggers as to why he drinks. Words expressing intentions to stop are one thing, actually acting on such an intention is far harder and to me he does not sound completely serious in wanting to stop. Words after all are cheap. Apart from anything else you are too close to the situation so you need to detach.

Many such relationships also have elements of codependency within it so I would also urge you to read Codependent No More written by Melodie Beattie.

If he is indeed alcohol dependent he will never be able to drink socially.

You are perhaps as caught up in his alcoholism as he is albeit in different ways. You are also on the merry go around that is alcoholism. Many women in these situations end up as their man's enabler out of their totally misplaced sense of shame and embarrassment for their drunkard spouse.

I would seriously consider your children in all this as well as growing up within such a household will do them no favours at all. They see and hear far more than you perhaps realise; they see how you react to him and learn from both of you.

I would certainly recommend talking to Al-anon and read their literature.

You also cannot be the alcohol police; you cannot control his drinking. Doing so will end in failure and you'll feel far worse than you already are. You're feeling bad enough already.

In my area our GP has an alcohol team who will give advice and assist in home detoxing as well as refer to alcohol counselling services. It's worth looking into.

Also worth checking out is Antabuse (Disulfirum) medication. It can help to enforce a long enough break/abstinence from alcohol, so that the alcoholic can begin to take control and start the process of recovery without thinking about relapsing. However the person taking this medication has to be 100% trusted that they will not drink nor have contact with any form of alcohol as it can be lethal. Mouthwash, aftershave applied to skin, even ketchup and mustard can sometimes cause reactions.