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Original poster

How do I get my husband of 8 months to grow up, we're both in our 50s?!!!!!

52 replies

MrsJAT · 25/06/2012 21:50

He's away with a couple of mates on a cheap holiday to Lake Garda - honestly!!!! Yes, I'm jealous, I'm here working! He's called me tonight and signed off with 'Cheers' rather than his usual 'love you', because his mates were within earshot. At first I was furious (I hate that he's gone away), but then I thought, how bloody juvenile not to be able to say 'I love you' to your wife just because someone might hear you.
Your thoughts ladies....please x

OP posts:
WhereMyMilk · 25/06/2012 21:51

Twat...him not you obviously.

He's a twat.

WhereMyMilk · 25/06/2012 21:57

Sorry, that was flippant.

He is acting like a twat though and is way old enough to know better.

I would suggest a Frank discussion when he gets home about how his behaviour hurts you and makes you feel angry. You need to sort this out else your marriage will go down the pan:(

Original poster
MrsJAT · 25/06/2012 22:43

That's what I'm frightened of. I believe he loves me (no man has ever made me feel like that, and I love him to bits, which is equally novel), and I also know he's more insecure than me (he asked if I was worried that he might shag around while he was away - hadn't even occurred to me! - and that if I went away that would be his concern!). I worry that I'm being too much of a whinger by saying how it makes me feel, because on the one hand I do think allowing someone to live life as they want to is important, but it does hurt. He said I was making him feel guilty because I told him I hate goodbyes, but how can I be happy that he's happy to go away, even if I know that I will enjoy some time to myself?!
Anyway, thank you, I respond well to back up :)
Jx

OP posts:
2rebecca · 25/06/2012 22:58

If I'm away with friends I don't make lovey dovey phonecalls within their earshot. it's a bit twee and cutesy. You sound a bit insecure if you need him to declare his love when he's just away for a few days. Does he have to end every phone call with "I love you"?
It would have been nice if he could have gone somewhere quiet to phone you though. It depends on whether this was his one phonecall to you all week and he chose to make it whilst his mates were around or whether you expect frequent phone calls that he's fitting in round a busy itinerary.
If he's in his 50s then expecting him to never go away without you sounds a bit controlling. I'm not jealous if my bloke goes away, I like having a quieter house for a few days. I also go on holiday without my husband sometimes and would find it odd if he got clingy and jealous and demanded I say I love him every phone call as though I might have changed my mind because the sun has gone to my head or something.
I don't really understand what it is exactly that you are upset about.

izzyizin · 25/06/2012 23:01

You've only been married 8 months and he's off on a jolly to Italy with his mates?

How did that come about and when will the 2 of you be having a foreign holiday together?

2rebecca · 25/06/2012 23:11

What has the duration of a marriage got to do with whether or not you go on holiday with your friends? Many older couples live together for years before they get married anyway. Why is his holiday disparagingly called a "jolly"? My husband is going away with a couple of friends and his adult son (my stepson) soon. I don't regard it as a jolly, neither do a regard my holiday with my kids, my dad and my sister as a "jolly". We do have holidays together (with and without various teenage combinations) but we live apart from extended family so sometimes choose to holiday with them.
I think if he is spending money on a holiday and there isn't money for you to go away together of he never wants to go away with you or let you go away without me that would concern me, but one holiday in Italy with his friends doesn't sound that unreasonable. I'm not convinced it's him who isn't being very grown up about this.

2rebecca · 25/06/2012 23:13

"without him," I'm not trying to invte myself on your holiday!

squeakytoy · 25/06/2012 23:15

I honestly cant see what he has done wrong. I go away with my mates, and my husband works away (he is away all this week, and I havent even spoken to him today as he has a poor mobile signal where he is).. and we have a quick phone call once a day usually, but all that "I love you" "I love you too" "you put the phone down" "no, you put it down" is a distant memory of my teens!!

I love him, and he loves me, but we dont need to say it to each other every time we speak! :)

AnyFucker · 25/06/2012 23:16

what ?

I am struggling to see what he's done wrong here

And believe me, that is a highly unusual occurrence

He's gone on a holiday you presumably agreed to, that you can afford, that you will also get the opportunity to do, the only responsibility he's left you with is getting yourself off to work in your usual occupation...

and he said "cheers" instead of "I love you " ???

don't leave the bastard

Hebiegebies · 25/06/2012 23:20

AnyFucker, I completely agree. Don't leave the bastard!

Dh is away visiting friends for a few days, we haven't spoken today but I know how much he loves me.

It's ok to have time away without each other and not to be overly gushing on the phone.

AnyFucker · 25/06/2012 23:23

...unless you come back to say none of those caveats I mentioned are a go-go...

< could still go true to form > Grin

Lizzabadger · 25/06/2012 23:25

Can't see the problem either. Make the most of having the house to yourself for a few days.

BustersOfDoom · 25/06/2012 23:37

Nope I can't see the problem either. DP and I have been together for years and we never say lovey dovey stuff in front of others when we're on the phone. He works away a lot more than I do now but I know that if I get a 'Bye, love you' that he's on his own in his room or in the restaurant before his colleagues turn up. Same goes for me. It's not that I or he can't express emotion in front of others, more that it's private and we both understand that. There is no way I would ever expect him to talk sweet nothings to me in front of his work colleagues and he wouldn't expect me to either. It just isn't professional.

Apart from the time I was working away and spoke to a female colleague and signed off by saying 'Night, night love you' Blush I had to text her and explain I was thinking about DS at the time. She was a Mum and understood and never took the piss out of me once although we had a good laugh about it.

grimblesmother · 25/06/2012 23:40

Can't see any problem with it tbh.

You married him, you don't own him, and ending a call with "love you" or similar is icky and should be against the law.

Or something.

Whatmeworry · 25/06/2012 23:52

He should have said Ciao....

Opentooffers · 26/06/2012 00:05

Nope, no problem with going to Garda. "Honestly" - perhaps said in expectation that we would agree that the trip is juvenile? But no, I think lots of us see the allure and merits of travel and there's nothing wrong with it in principle. Personally, I would feel odd maybe if my fella asked me if I was worried about them shagging around while away (confused)? Or am I just reading too much into that comment? Reassurance of the contrary would usually either go without saying or get a mention if felt required. You know your hubby though so if it's just that he's gone that's bugging you then could use the spare tie without him to look into your own getaway too. What's good for the goose ...

Feckbox · 26/06/2012 00:13

what exactly has he done wrong?
Why do you object to him going on holiday without you?

Pedigree · 26/06/2012 00:18

Another one who doesn't get it here.

Dprince · 26/06/2012 05:58

I don't get what the problem is either. Him asking if you were worried if he was going to shag someone else, suggest you weren't entirely happy with him going and showed it.
Unless money is an issue. I think your jealousy of his trip is getting to you tbh. Dh has never been away on his own. Because we don't have that amount of spare income. But if we did I would love him to have a trip with his mates and I would love one too.
Also if I call dh during the day and we are both at work or mates, we don't do the 'i love you' bit. We are very affectionate and hold hands in public etc, but both of us are private people and don't insist on subjecting other people to it. Dh would text me he loves me and show me when i get home.
I genuinely don't get this.

Original poster
MrsJAT · 26/06/2012 08:23

Only been together 18 months. Yes, a bit insecure - so shoot me! This is a man who ends every phone call to me and his daughters with 'Love you', so he's consciously chosen NOT to say it. Jealous? You betcha - wouldn't you rather be somewhere beautiful? No, I'm not happy that he's gone away, and I agree that he's doing nothing wrong, but that ain't gonna make me like it.
BUT the bottom line, and this may be very politically incorrect, is that he is the only man who has ever made me feel loved, and actually it hurts to be away from him.
Jx

OP posts:
ChooChooLaverne · 26/06/2012 08:28

Well then let him enjoy his holiday, let go of your jealousy and welcome him back when he comes home.

Pagwatch · 26/06/2012 08:35

I adore my husband who is younger than me, pretty good looking for an oldie Grin and very successful in his field. He goes away for trips with mates - golfing and stag trips to las vegas.
I have all the reason in the world to be jealous and worried.
But I am not because
A) he is with me and I know he loves me
B) being fucked off and stressed about something over which I actually have no control seems like a massive waste of energy
C) getting arsy with him and making his life less pleasant in order to reassure my groundless anxieties seems immensely selfish
D) being immensely selfish is tiring and not likely to make him love me more.

Pagwatch · 26/06/2012 08:37

And E) I go away with friends and i know how much I enjoy it and that it doesn't make me want to shag random stranger.

ChooChooLaverne · 26/06/2012 08:42

Have you considered counselling to deal with your insecurity/jealousy? Or do you think your feelings are caused by his behaviour?

The only thing I'd be Hmm about is him asking if you're worried he might shag around. Seems a really odd thing to say.

TheSpokenNerd · 26/06/2012 08:42

I think it might be a generational thing tbh. My Mum would be agast if my DH went on hols without me (not that we can afford it) but if he did I would not mind nor would I expect "I love you" if he was in "Mate mode"

He goe to London now and then to see his friend and I don't even bother calling him because he's always acting silly...I am just glad he's havng fun. I can't see the point inn expcting someone to totally lose the person they are with their mates as long as they don't do anything that would be classed as unfaithful what's the harm?