How do I get my husband of 8 months to grow up, we're both in our 50s?!!!!!

[MrsJAT]

He's away with a couple of mates on a cheap holiday to Lake Garda - honestly!!!! Yes, I'm jealous, I'm here working! He's called me tonight and signed off with 'Cheers' rather than his usual 'love you', because his mates were within earshot. At first I was furious (I hate that he's gone away), but then I thought, how bloody juvenile not to be able to say 'I love you' to your wife just because someone might hear you.
Your thoughts ladies....please x

Tbh op it sounds like its you that needs to think about doing some growing up

"I've married the man of my dreams. Now how do I change him?"

It's not a generational thing.
I am 50.
All my friends take holidays together and separately.

Agree with snorbs.

Also agree with others who don't see a specific problem with how he is behaving necessarily.

What I do see is there is a difference between your expectations of him and who he is. Also that you have been unable to decide together how to balance your needs and feelings as individuals in a relationship. It isn't exactly clear from the op why that is.

However, it isn't particularly secure or mature to be upset at him for going on holiday, criticising his choice of destination and company or that he doesn't feel comfortably being lovey dovey in front of his friends. Sounds six of one half a dozen of another tbh. You need to talk and sounds generally as though there is a communication problem. Is there a history leading up to this?

Already having counselling and it's helped a lot. Know it all intellectually, but feeling it is another matter.

He said about shagging around because he is insecure himself.

My brain knows that everything being said makes sense, I know I'm being silly, just wish I could feel the confidence I know I should have, to know I'm worth being with...

Hey, I've been working on this forever, and believe me, I am way better than I used to be! The good thing is, I've had the sense to get it off my chest here - he is happily oblivious :o)

He wouldnt have married you if he didnt want to be with you.

Insecurity will completely destroy your marriage though if it goes on. There is absolutely no point in being with someone if you cannot trust or constantly feel anxious seeing issues where there are none.

You have to trust and you have to be able to do things without each other. You have to understand that just because he doesnt end a phone call with the words "I love you" it does not mean that he doesnt love you.. if he didnt love you, he wouldnt even bother to call!

You are married to him, but you dont own him, and you have to put yourself in his position. Imagine if you wanted to go on a short break with a couple of your female friends, it is a perfectly normal thing to do, and plenty of married couples spend time with their friends while their spouses do their own thing.

I very much doubt he "conciously" chose not to say he loved you. That is you reading much more into it than there is, and coming up with a daft conclusion, and you have to realise that, because it will kill your marriage if little things like this get blown out of proportion.

He is a middle aged man, and will not take well to someone trying to control him, or suffocate him, just as you would not like it if someone tried to do that to you either.

Tbh I really don't think you are being silly. There is a problem with the relationship - that you don't seem to be respecting and balancing each others' needs and wants just having expectations of each other which are certainly leaving you unfulfilled and probably is the same for him.

We got married exactly 12 months after our first date but we have never had relationship problems like this. We've had a very difficult time since we married unexpectedly having twins, digficulties relating to the pregnancy and having two older children, dealing with my abusive xp, my DH's work which is demanding and requires a lot of travelling and on call work, my parents who are hardwork and ill and demanding and now recently me having to deal with some difficult revelations from the past which have put extra stress and strain on our relationship. I really think having respect and understanding for each others' needs and wants and having good communication about that is the key to why we are very strongly together and happy now (married over 3 years). Around 8 months we had a very similar argument where DH wanted to go to Italy to his close friend's wedding, which was very important to him but I was very ill in pregnancy with hypermesis and high bp requiring bed rest and spd and was very heavily pregnant with twins, there was just no way i could physically have coped if he had gone or any way we could really justify the expense. He agreed not to go but then refused to mention the stag do which was a weekend away in the uk and instead told me he would not be coming home when he left to go to work!

He was having a hard time expressing his needs and his wants and had been under extreme pressure because of my incapacity. I was also extremely needy and not all of it was necessary. From that we both learned how to consider each other's needs and to differentiate between things we want and things we need. It is really vital every couple learns this I think.

We have never had relationship problems like this that lasted!!!

Does anybody else feel a bit sad (in a meant-kindly way) that these people are in their 50's and still are obsessing about this ole shit ?

What hope is there for our youngsters ?

Why do some people get so enmeshed in all this ? Iam presuming (negative) life experience.

Think about this though, will you still be having such crappy communication with your partner when you are in your 70's ? 80's ?

Or will your inability to properly be there for each other (yes, even when one of you is in another country) mean you won't be together by then ?

I presume you got married so you could go into middle/old age together ?

So, stop wrecking relationships with this crap

If what you are rewally worried about is that he will cheat, well, if he is going to he can just as easily do it with Sandra who works in the corner shop and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

Relax, and enjoy your new marriage. Cross those bridges you are obsessing about if you need to.

Isn't it funny how being insecure is seen almost as a crime. I guess if you've never felt it you have no idea how crippling it is - certainly not a choice!

Funnily enough, it never occurred to me that he might cheat, it was something he suggested might worry me because it would him and he wanted to reassure me.

Think I shall delete this thread soon - never knew how exhausting it could be, but thanks for the feedback x

MrsJat, why would you get the thread deleted? What did you want people to say?

I hate to say it, but your insecurity is your issue, not his, if that makes sense. If a bloke was posting this, we would all tell him to stop being silly.

I know it must be horrible feeling like this, but it's not his responsibility to make you feel better... that's what I would say if this were a man posting, tbh.

Sorry but you do both sound immature.

It might not be what you want to hear, but the fact that most people are saying the same thing might actually help you in the long run?

I cannot see any problem on God's earth with him going away with his friends and not wanting to be lovey dovey on the phone. And I don't see why you need reassurance and hearts and flowers because he's away for a few days. I think it is supremely odd that he asked you if you were worried he'd shag someone else why he's away?! What a weird, childish thing to say.

I think you're being a bit needy - just because he didn't say I love you you decide that he doesn't love you?

Why shouldn't he go away with friends?

I think lots of declarations of love in a phone call in front of other people is a bit cringey tbh, I wouldn't say it either

I went away for 2 nights with friends last weekend, we're getting married in 2 months and I didn't even call DP, am I a terrible horrible person who clearly doesn't love him? confused

I don't get this ridiculous overreaction now op? Who's saying being insecure is a crime?!

What people have said is the problem is not him it is you and him together. That you both seem immature and there is a problem communicating, with security and with respect for each other in the relationship (from what you've said).

My DH and I never had a problem with security but we did encounter very similar issues with communication and respect in the same timescale as you have and my post was meant to convey that if you work together on improving the problems there will be no problems anymore. What you seem to want is MN to pronounce your DH an unacceptable and inconsiderate man child. They haven't. But perhaps there is more to the story?

blimey

He's gone away for a few day with pals, no big deal. Why don't you arrange one with some of your pals. What's good for the goose and all that ay.

I wonder if your feelings are abandonment rather than insecurity/jealousy. I think logically you know he loves you, you know he is deserving of time away yet you have this strong reaction.

I'm glad you are having counselling and I think maybe your thread is helpful to others. Good Luck

I think the issue that he's gone away is not the problem so much as you feel threatened a) by your perception of his friends' influence over him and whether that is stronger than your influence and is therefore a threat to the strength of your relationship b) your perception that your husband changes his behaviour when he is with his friends. I think b) is what you are labelling 'needing to grow up'?

Except I don't think b) is a problem in the situation you describe, everyone changes their behaviour according to their context - I am sure you do, don't you? I don't swear in front of my parents. I am much more formal in a professional context. I am more relaxed with my friends, and I am even more relaxed still with my husband. So, that your husband says "I love you" in phonecalls to you when he's not with his friends but doesn't when he's with them is actually suggests he is more secure with you than he is with them. So your perception in a) would also seem to be flawed?

You could say it's a poor reflection on him and he should 'grow up' and be more secure with his friends/not care that they might take the piss if he's lovey-dovey on the phone, but then you're slating him for the same insecurity you've already acknowledged you know he has... If he doesn't say "I love you" in front of his friends, in this situation I think it's more about him than it is about you/your relationship.

Funnily enough, it never occurred to me that he might cheat, it was something he suggested might worry me because it would him and he wanted to reassure me

And by the sounds of it, that was all it was. Reassurance because you were feeling so sorry for yourself that he was going away and from the sounds of it not exactly waving him off with a smile. You may not have said that you thought he was going to cheat, but you would certainly have implied it by your behaviour towards him.

It would seem that hoisted up judgeypants have caused a certain shrillness in some of the responses you've received. MrsJAT.

I'd still like to know the backstory of how he came to be off on a jolly while you're stuck working and, in asking, I'm mindful of a recent post where a similar age OP's new manchild dh rapidly became accustomed to an inequal division of labour on the homefront as well as her funding his activities elsewhere.

FWIW, given that he's not on a business trip or taken himself off to a certain clinic not too far from Lake Garda as the crow files, I see nothing disparaging in offhandedly describing his jaunt as a 'jolly' and, with the proviso that you're not too far from his thoughts, I hope that he's having a jolly time on his hols.

I consider it's impolite to bill and coo in any phone call to a significant other that's made in public, but I wouldn't have any compunction about ending any such call with 'love you' rather than 'over and out'. Can't he call you/you call him when he's in his room or on his own so that you can engage in a more intimate dialogue?

Insecurity is no respecter of chronological age and no matter how many rings we may have on our individual trees, so to speak, we can all feel 16 inside.

However, with the benefit of hindsight, I reckon you'd be telling your 16 year old self that there really is no point in allowing the demon of insecurity to torment you as there's nothing you can do to stop a guy cheating and/or walking out on you and, if he proves to be a shit, you'll get over it.

I think your reaction to the replies on this thread and your jump straight to getting the thread deleted speak volumes, tbh.

I hope you can both sort yourself out, or I am not sure you will make ol' bonez together.

Tbh honest OP your reaction to the replies says alot.
Insecurity is not a crime. But you being pissed off that he is away and you are not is a bit childish.
I met and married dh within 2 years. Its not always easy, but your anger isn't going to help. It does sound like (as pp said) you have married a great guy, your opinion, not you are trying to change him.
I think you feel its more reasonable to be angry about these little things than out of jealousy.
A bit of advice, if you want it, if you post on a public forum asking for advice/ opinions you may not always hear what you want. People may disagree with you.

OP maybe he is just a little embarrassed being lovely dovey in front of his mates, hence the "cheers" instead of "love you"? Are you worried what he might be getting up to on holiday and that's making this into an issue with you? BTW I can see where you're coming from and I would wonder why a partner of mine would speak to me differently in front of his mates. I would want to be with a man who was strong enough to show his soft side, and if his mates took the piss was man enough to say "yeah, I love her. The problem is?"

The problem is that the cutesy lovey dovey stuff is as inappropriate in a phonecall if you are in a group as it is if you are doing it in person to the other person in a group. Both would make me think "go somewhere private or get a room"
Canoodling in public is for teenagers, although my teenagers aren't keen on it either.
If he wants to make declarations of love on the phone he should just have a few minutes alone and phone you then. One advantage of the premobile days was that most phone boxes gave you some privacy (even if there was usually a queue outside it). I'd be more annoyed at him not making time to phone me in private than him not using endearments in earshot of his mates. I know from being away though how time can whizz by and squashing in a phonecall to your partner can be difficult if it's a fairly active and sociable holiday. This has nothing to do with how much you love them.

Don't worry MrsJat I think you are perfectly normal. I too would love to be in Lake Garda at this moment and am jealous of your husband even though I don't care if he's faithful to me or not.

Being 50 also doesn't make a person immune from jealousy or insecurity. The OP has only been with her man 18 months so they are not exactly an old married couple.