being kicked for falling asleep, am i in an abusive marriage?

[middleagedblonde]

After a long day out, we finally got home at 12.30, tired and with no doubt too much alcohol inside us, BUT, I went straight to bed, only to be rudely woken up by being kicked in the ribs and then punched in the side. Not so hard that I have a massive bruise but nevertheless- this is not right, surely. He says I dont make time for 'sex', I say we need a quiet night in, not nights out drinking with mates. He never declines an invite. I can only cope with one night in a row, ie Friday or Saturday. He wants to go out all the time and have sex all the time, and shouts at me for 2 hours or more if I surgest that I am tired at 1am, then I wish I had just said ok as I would have gotten to sleep half an hour later without all this ranting and raving. The kick is not on, does he need to go to anger management or is it my fault for being too damn tired?
Do you ever say no? My dh always complains that 2-3 times a week is now where near enough, I think it is plenty. I am 46 with 3 children, but, don't work.

Even better, selectively delete your history (only the bits you don't want him to see - you can do this where you view it), that looks less suspicious if checked.

He is obviously abusive. Kicking = abusive, punching = abusive, depriving you of sleep = abusive, haranguing you until you give him what he wants in bed = abusive, controlling and monitoring your behaviour = abusive. He's not going to stop doing this though, as he doesn't want to stop.

I've not read it but the Lundy Bancroft book is always highly recommended here, think it's called Why Does He Do That? But make sure you keep it hidden if you get it!

Or what fber said (xposts!).

Glad you're going to phone Women's Aid. This man is clearly abusive. Don't be put off if you can't get through at first. They're definitely for women with relationships like yours.

He's not a nice person and nothing you do can make him become a nicer person. You're not responsible for his vile behaviour either - that's purely down to him being a nasty bastard.

I'm guessing that he doesn't kick and punch people in general? If he doesn't then he doesn't need anger management. He's very much in control of his anger because he uses it to control you and get what he wants.

You deserve so much better, Lovely. I know what it's like to feel reponsible for someone else's bad behaviour, you need to trust your gut, and get out, you will cope, I promise X

Has anyone reading this got any positive experiences of splitting up (ie it was worth it in the end, the kids were happier, etc) Just to motivate and inspire our OP that there is light at the end of the tunnel?

My own mum was with my dad for 18 years and he was very similar to OPs husband. My mum was also without paid work but she got by and I cheered when she left. It took her 16 years to get out (he became abusive after she was pregnant with me, surprise surprise) and she thought that she would be bereft/homeless/unloveable without him. How wrong she was. She was suffering from what they used to call 'battered wife syndrome'.

Your mental health is seriously compromised to the extent that you cannot keep your children safe from emotional harm (his fault, not yours). Get help to regain the strength. There is so much support out there now. You are dependent on him because he has engineered it that way. But you needn't be. Women's aid tomorrow OP. Report back xx

PS You won't be pressured to take immediate action, you will be empowered and supported xx

It's fucking awesome on the other side. 15 months on and I am thankful everyday. And every time I have to deal with him, it's just another affirmation of what a total cunt he actually is (He has definitely got worse......but pfffftttt whatevs)

I am even having my very own financial crisis at the moment........and it's not touching the sides. The peace is indescribable and me and the DCs have flourished.

Please do call it... and if you can, and you have somebody, please talk to some in real life about this. Nobody will think you are stupid...

I got rid of mine over a year ago, actually over 15 months ago too.

It has been a difficult break up, obviously, him being a twat, abusive and so on.

I have been assaulted in two different occasions, in public, and in front of DS.

It has been easier because my family have fully supported me and I was the one with the job, and a good one. So I'm not financially reliant on him.
I'd still have left.

The point is that it was still worth it and DS and I are much happier and relaxed.

You will need to be strong, but think that what it takes to stay is actually more than to leave. Once you are able to push to leave, it becomes easier. A lot easier.

Agree with mooncup I left an eighteen year marriage with was abusive for a large proportion of it, and the inner peace and the feeling of safety is quite literally indescribable, me and the dc's are doing just fine I have enough money to live on as long as I'm careful I also got to keep my home and do you know what the best bit is op I bought myself a brand new bed just for me, I don't share it with anyone least of all a man who made me have sex when I didn't want to, it's bliss and I sleep like a baby! 18 months after I split from my exH I still look around me and can't believe how much better my life is. There is another life out there for you op.

The behaviour you describe is incredibly abusive, mab. I'm so pleased that you have decided to call Women's Aid.

Reading the links at the start of the emotional abuse support thread here may also help you understand the situation you're in.

I know you want him to respect you and treat you with love and kindness, but it doesn't matter how much you want it, how hard you try, and how right it would be for him to behave decently: this is who he is - a man who kicks and punches you, and coerces you into sex. I'm so sorry.

You deserve so much better than this. No-one should ever be treated the way this man is treating you.

yes

I'm surprised that you say you don't want to have sex with the man due to tiredness. Do you really believe that is the reason? His behaviour is enough to feel reviled and not want to go near him. I think if you are honest with yourself you will see that it's not just about being tired (though you may want him to believe that, if you fear him). There is no greater turn off than an abusive man. So instead of making excuses for yourself, chuck it back at him. He's the problem. Power through fear is fragile power. He knows that, which is why he is paranoid about who you are talking to, as he is worried that you will see him for what he really is one day and leave him. He is right in that and you should go as he will continue to go down the route of cutting off opportunity for you to leave, rather than address his own inadequacies.

opentooffers very insightful and accurate.

OP he is abusive on so many levels and you would be so much happier, and safer, away from him.

He will never change, he will never ever respect you or care for you.

Leave.Him.Now. This man will put you in hospital or worse. You and your dc need and deserve a better life. Please reach out and accept all assistance available. My thoughts are with you. I have been there.

Op every single human being has the right to say no to sex, at any time, for any reason, without fear of coercion, violence or emotional pressurising. If your sexual partner doesn't allow you those rights then they are in the wrong.

Nobody has rights to sex on another person and the type of man who enjoys sex when he has bullied and threatened his way into it, is a very scary man indeed. It means he doesn't see you as a person with feelings or rights! He sees you as a living sex doll :( how much does he care about your pleasure op? Does he make sure you orgasm? Does he attempt foreplay? I'm betting not because it's all about his orgasm.

He's a truly frightening man because he doesn't see you as a real person and this fundamental belief will not change. Counselling will not change it, anger management will not change it, you being more compliant will not change it. Good luck today, you, and your children, deserve so much better.

If it had been just one incident I would have said it was completely unacceptable but not abusive (which to me implies a regular thing rather than a one off "mistake").

However, from the rest of your posts yes. It is an abusive relationship. It seems he has taken the first step into violence.

"If your Daughter was being punched, kicked and raped (I'm guessing he pressures you into sex when you don't want it, right?) in her relationship, would you say to her, "just stick with it dear, I'm sure he loves you"?

Or would you say, "GET THE FUCK OUT NOW BEFORE HE KILLS YOU"?

I agree with every word of this.

I will call womens aid, but I can't leave him! I want him to respect me and be kind to me, his wife and mother of his children. He just wants everything his way. I think it is a sex thing, jealous husband thing. He says he does it because he loves me!

Yes you can leave.
He will never respect you.
Even if/when he gets his own way you will not be good enough.

Even if you believe you love him what you are teaching your children is that it is OK to abuse their partners.

Leave

honestly you don't kick and punch someone you love because you want more sex with them. That isn't love, it is trying to own and use someone. I am very sorry.

Yes he is abusive, you should never have to have sex unless you want to & certainly not cos he pressured you into it. I am amazed he would want to have sex with someone who didn't want it. Fwiw I think 2/3 times a week is very good, but that is besides the point here. He is treating you appallingly, poor you x you should never be kicked or hit by anyone for any reason. You really can't let this go on, I fear it could escalate with h hurting you even more, get help asap.

Remember, this is in no way your fault.

Oh OP :(. Your posts make me so sad. Because you deserve so much better then this. Yes, he's abusive. No, he won't ever respect you. No, this isn't love. It's an insecure, controlling man making himself feel better by putting you down. You can't change him, and it would be dangerous of you to try. You don't have to save him, stand by him, understand him, feel sorry for him. You can just say 'Enough', and leave. You really, really can.

My exOH punched me - hard - in the arm in bed once because I was snoring. It was hard enough to hurt, and I am sure he intended to hurt me. When he snored I would gently move about to try to get him to turn over. I would never have punched him. Thankfully he didn't hit me again but I spent the remainder of our relationship trying to make everything perfect so he wouldn't have anything to get angry about. The result? He found new things to get angry about.

Friends comment on how much better I look since I ended the relationship. I no longer look tired, cowed, miserable. They say I've got my spark back, and they're right. I bet you haven't felt like you for years :(

DP had to go to a course run by WA for work. The lady taking it was telling a story about a session in a primary school where she was talking to them about safe places, and she told the class "my safe place is my bed, I love my bed". A six year old then piped up, "No, bed's where Daddy hurts Mummy". Please don't think your kids don't know anything's going on.