Aggression during football

[Heynonni]

(name change)
I would really appreciate honest opinion on this.
Dh can get wound up when England play. Last night he had five cans of lager, and was screaming 'fucking cunts' at the TV. Then he kicked a chair. He was really aggressive and I find it a bit intimidating. I was feeding 10 wk old DC at the time and she jumped. My friend is also staying with us for the night and she was clearly shocked at his rage. I was also v embarassed too.

Backstory: he has a tendancy to flounce off/yell at me when the going gets tough. So is poor at controlling his temper. He's never been violent.

I think his football raging is unacceptable but since I had DC, DH pisses me off a lot more than he used to so it's possible I am overreacting.

I'd really value your inputs.

This does not sound good

Is football the only time he gets aggressive/wound up?

What about when he drinks at other times?

How embarrassing for you in front of friend too

If it were me in your shoes, I think I'd be wanting to sit down with DH and be telling him honestly that it has to stop. Either no football or at least no drinking when watching football. Either that or send him off to local pub to watch it, perhaps not the greatest idea but is it likely to kerb his violent/aggressive streak if he is in a public place?

Either way you cannot go on like this

Maybe your worries ate over for a bit though seeing as England got knocked out

You're not over reacting.

oh dear :(

Sounds like footy is the least of his anger issues. :(

Thank you for your opinions x

To be honest he is shit at dealing with any kind of confrontation, even constructive, and will storm out of the flat to the pub (swearing all the way) rather than argue it out. Hence I rarely see the point in trying to sort out stuff.

He's the kind of person who is fine if everything's going well but can't handle a crisis.

I never raise my voice and am quite measured which seems to annoy him!

I don't think I can ignore this latest outburst but am wondering how to handle it.

His aggressive streak seems to be reserved for behind closed doors. And directed at me. In his defence he has never got personal and he has never lifted a hand to me, though I have been frightened because of his posturing- standing over me etc.

He can be really loving on one hand but horrible on the other.

He's always very affectionate in public!

Also doesn't pull his weight with DC buy that's a whole other thread ;-)
However his laziness has left me resentful which is why I wanted to check if I was over reacting IYSWIM?

I'm just miserable, I don't want this.

No remorse- he just said 'she's alright'
She really jumped, it was awful.

His behaviour is escalating. Kicking a chair and screaming obscenities is violence. I fear it will get worse still. The fact he wasn't inhibited by your friends presence is really quite shocking, shows just how entitled he feels to act like this.

I don't understand how he can get so angry for so little.
He once went off on one because I woke him up when he was snoring FFS.

But he can be so loving. That's what I don't get. And he is smart, well educated and loves reading! Then he behaves like a thug. It's all so incongruous.

His anger last night wasn't directed at anyone, but I was scared and embarrassed.

It's not on is it? :(

Of course he can be loving. If he behaved like a thug 24/7 you'd have told him to sling his hook by now. He can control his temper, he simply chooses not to because he thinks you deserve it.

Do you think it's common that some men get worse when there's a baby?

I don't think they get worse..I think it's just mother's eyes open because her child now comes first. You see things you didn't notice before.

not all violent men are thugs. Intact most are the 'type', that's why they get away with it so long.
Dc can start or escalate during pg. This can also happen during big sport tournaments. Dv related incidents go up at these times. There was a big campaign about it during the world cup. Neither is an excuse its disgusting. He needs to stop.
In all honesty, I understand people getting stressed in a crisis, but this isn't stressed this is scaring you and the baby. And, come on, its not a crisis its a game of football. He needs to grow up.

Dv can start, not dc.

It doesn't matter what the cause is, it's not acceptable. My DH has anger issues and sees a counsellor. He just shouts (never personal) and slams doors but it scares me. He tried saying I was a trigger, I said he was welcome to leave. His got worse when I got pregnant.

He's smart, loving and I adore him but he's here only because he accepts full responsibility and is seeking help. Doesn't matter if it's only once in a blue moon, I won't walk on eggshells with blue moon spotting glasses!

Posturing and intimidating you is violent behaviour, as is kicking shouting and throwing things. It is not a normal way for an adult to behave, especially not around people he's supposed to love. You should never feel frightened of your own partner. He postures to scare you, but what if, one day, it's clear you're not scared? What then? Or if your litte DD pisses him off - will she get the scare tactics too?

Normal people get annoyed when their team isn't doing well. They don't kick furniture and fly into a rage. If he's flouncing, yelling, having temper-tantrums and intimidating you on a regular basis, that isn't normal in a loving relationship. If your response is to talk calmly or avoid bringing up difficult subjects so that you don't trigger an outburst I'm afraid you are being controlled.

Look at your friend's reaction.... shock. And yours was embarassment.... because you know what he does isn't normal and it's now out in the open that you're married to a nasty piece of work. If you read anything about DV (and standing over you shouting is abusive) you'll see that it often starts after the first baby. Most men find the vulnerabilty of their partner in the role of new mother as a reason to be more protective and caring. The bullying, cowardly kind of man sees the same vulnerability as a weakness to be exploited.

Also, the fact that you say this behaviour is "only behind closed doors" is significant - it shows that he can control it, but around you he chooses not to, because he expects you to take it.

What everyone else said, and that it's normal to be more upset about violence with a young baby around.
It's not you!

Just keep that look on your friend's face top of mind. Sometimes, when you're in a relationship 24/7, you get so used to a particular behaviour pattern that you don't register just how bad it is. Takes an outsider's eyes to see it for what it is. Your friend presumably isn't some shrinking violet that lives a sheltered existence. If she's shocked, he must have been really terrible

football is not the trigger here, alcohol is..

statistics show that more dv incidents happen when big matches are on, but that doesnt mean that the game is to blame, it is just the excuse, rather than focussing on the real problem which is the drink that is involved

To be honest though OP, your post is worrying, because while you say he hasnt physically hurt you, I would say that his behaviour is leading towards that, and there is every chance that it could happen, especially if you were to challenge him on behaving like a bully or a thug.

As for him being so loving and kind in public, that is typical of abusive men, who like everyone else to think they are Mr Perfect, so that if/when you try to get away, people will have misplaced sympathy because they have only seen that side of him.

"he's never been violent" ?

yes, he has

He was aggressive and intimidating last night. He has frightened you by using his greater strength to get you to STFU

He humiliated you in front of your friend.

He is violent and you are in an abusive relationship.

He also doesn't pull his weight and puts a "nice" front on when it suits him, which mean he doesn't have a problem with controlling his temper. He controls it well enough, because he saves it for you.

Please don't suggest "Anger Management" for him, or joint counselling for you both, or other such stuff that would not be appropriate here

It is true that in many cases of DV, it starts during a pregnancy/when the baby is tiny.

My advice would be to leave the relationship. It will get worse.

Backstory: he has a tendancy to flounce off/yell at me when the going gets tough.

So this behaviour isn't just during football matches, is it?

It's directed at you and only at you, behind closed doors?

He chooses to behave this way, and he does not respect you. No-one should have to feel afraid and intimidated in their own home.

I agree with AnyFucker.

Signs that you are in an abusive relationship

^Do you^:
feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
feel that you can?t do anything right for your partner?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
wonder if you?re the one who is crazy?
feel emotionally numb or helpless?

^Does your partner^:
humiliate or yell at you?
criticize you and put you down?
treat you so badly that you?re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
blame you for their own abusive behavior?
see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

^Does your partner^:
have a bad and unpredictable temper?
hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
threaten to take your children away or harm them?
threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
force you to have sex?
destroy your belongings?

^Does your partner^:
act excessively jealous and possessive?
control where you go or what you do?
keep you from seeing your friends or family?
limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
constantly check up on you?

I've got at least 7 from your opening posts this morning OP. Sorry. This does not look good. Can you take a long hard look at yourself and your relationship. Is this the environment for your little one to be brought up in?

You don't have to receive bruises to be in an abusive and violent relationship.