Aggression during football

[Heynonni]

(name change)
I would really appreciate honest opinion on this.
Dh can get wound up when England play. Last night he had five cans of lager, and was screaming 'fucking cunts' at the TV. Then he kicked a chair. He was really aggressive and I find it a bit intimidating. I was feeding 10 wk old DC at the time and she jumped. My friend is also staying with us for the night and she was clearly shocked at his rage. I was also v embarassed too.

Backstory: he has a tendancy to flounce off/yell at me when the going gets tough. So is poor at controlling his temper. He's never been violent.

I think his football raging is unacceptable but since I had DC, DH pisses me off a lot more than he used to so it's possible I am overreacting.

I'd really value your inputs.

He is abusive - and the not pulling his weight is not a separate issue, it's all related to the way he sees you.

I was afraid I'd get this response. Of course I know you're right but a part of me hoped lots of you would say ''oh this is normal".

I know it's not and I'm so unhappy. My poor DD.

He was all 'love you' today. He knows he was wrong.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I have taken it all on board and will make some changes.

That's the cycle though. t's called 'The Honeymoon Phase.'

If you get a chance, check out this diagram:

www.shepherdsrestministries.com/images/dvcycle.jpg

is his manipulative "love you" enough to make up for the fact that he is showing your daughter that this is how daddies treat mummies ?

he realises he has gone too far, and if all it takes to get you back on board is a couple of mealy-mouthed platitudes, this is a very damaging lesson for your children

OP that sounds horrid and is not normal.

You're not the one who needs to change. HE does.

Agree with AnyFucker. :( I didn';t want to say it but you must be very conditioned to this sort of reprehensible behaviour if all it takes is a doe-eyed 'I love you' and him nodding his head to a stern chat to convince you everything is okay. :(

Don't disappear, OP

Don't be one of those posters who melts away back into such a horrible situation (you will know many do if you are a regular MN user)

Keep posting. Keep reading. Follow the links at the top of the topic. Give Women's Aid a call just for a chat. Start looking into how you could manage finacially without him. Knowledge is strength.

Start confiding in people in RL Your friend who witnessed his aggression ? I bet she would be glad to get a call from you to say you need someone to talk to..she will be very worried about you but perhaps not feel she can interfere with a nod form you.

You have options. This doesn't have to be your life. You don't have to model a relationship like this for your dd.

Why did a part of you hope that lots of you would say "oh this is normal". Was this out of denial of what is happening in front of you?.

It is patently not normal, kind and decent men do not treat others like this. He is abusing you. You may be under the denial of misconception that such men change. He hates your very being, does not want your help or support and sees you only as a possession to abuse.

What changes will you make?. Any change short of getting him out of your day to day lives will not work for you. It will also do your DD no favours at all to grow up in what is essentially a violent and shouty household.

Re this comment:-
"He was all 'love you' today. He knows he was wrong".

That is just a part of the nice/nasty cycle but its a continuous one. Abusers can do nice/nasty very well; he is now back in the "nice" phase. It will not last.

The only change you can make is for you to separate completely from your abusive H. Womens Aid can and will help you here; you need to take that first, and often the most hardest of steps, to access such help.

without a nod from you

I have not forgiven or forgotten.
I've been doing a lot of thinking and I'm leaving him.

I think that is the best course of action, love

Have you planned how you are going to do it ? Made sure you have plenty of RL support? Will be ok financially ? Decided what will happen wrt child care ? Disengaged yourself emotionally from him ?

I don't mean to put you on the spot, but if you haven't done those things first you may find you leaving him is simply temporary. Then if you go back, that's even more justification for him to treat you badly

Take it slowly, and do it properly x

Leave him. If not for yourself for the baby. This is a shyte existance. Please stop believing you are able to change him. Good luck

keep going Hey you know it is right for you and for your DD. Keep posting if it helps and make sure you stay safe .

Ask for advice if you need it.

Many of us have been in the situation you describe and got out.

You can do it too. there is a good life out there waiting for you.

xxfool

I think it's wise.

Do you have support in place? A plan?

Well done, you've made the right decision. Whose name is your home in? And is it bought or rented? Because there may also be the possibility of putting him out of the house and being able to stay there with DC, though you may have to leave the house temporarily until the right court orders are in place.
However if it's a rented home you might find it makes more sense just to leave. Women's Aid will be your best help, and there are plenty of MNers who will be able to advise. Good luck.