Stop me from sending Narcissist STBXH an email!

[DoingItForMyself]

...just that really. I'm feeling sick and wound up again after seeing him today and his stupid smug smiley face, being all sweetness and light to the DCs, who are all soooo excited about spending tomorrow evening with him for the first time in his new house. He even kissed me on the cheek when he came in to collect his stuff like he was just back from work.

I hate him I hate him I hate him and I want him to know that its NOT all ok, that its shit because of him.

But I know he won't listen/care/accept responsibility. Grrrrrrrr! I'm so fucking angry with him for ruining my family.

Breathe......

I'll stop you!
If you let him know you're upset, that he's had the effect he was hoping for, he'll revel in it. You will make his day.

On the other hand what could be more frustrating for him than radio silence?
HTH

It is a game, and you will irritate him the most by not playing it!!

Don't do it.

I know in my head that you're right. I suppose that's why I'm so upset - he's giving me the radio silence isn't he!

I just can't believe that ANYONE could actually be happy doing what he has done, moving out from his family home, only spending one evening with his DCs. He was all "see you tomorrow then kids, love you" and waves and smiles. I want to see him broken!!!! I know its not fair on the DCs, they need him to be ok, but I need him not to be.

I'm so so so sad that this is what its come to and I know its for the best, but when I see him looking all normal and happy, all my good intentions to be bright and breezy dissolve and the emotions take over.

I want him to know that its not all rosy - that he's damaged everything, but I don't want him to have the satisfaction of knowing that he still has any power over me. I just don't want him thinking he's got away with it either.

Don't do it! I am always composing emails in my head to tell H exactly what i think of him but they never get sent... One day when divorce us finalised.....

DoingIt, this is a terrible time for you but restrain yourself. He would probably save the message and might use it against you in the future... I suggest you write down all that you feel, no holds barred, then rip up the paper or burn it. Rise above it. If he wants to pretend be all sweetness and light and ignore the damage has caused, one day your DCs may learn about what actually happened and have some serious and very difficult questions for him.

Clearly your DC are pleased to see him and doing so will give them some happiness (whatever you think about him). It will get easier - I have experience of the same thing. Just remember, today may be awful, tomorrow may be worse but in any case it will be different and one day it will feel better.

Yes, good point Skye, I need to keep him sweet so that the money and the help don't stop. I've got a good level of guilt to play on at the moment, and I suppose when I see him looking all happy and relieved that its over, I feel like maybe he's forgotten why its over - because he was an emotionally abusive twunt.

The truth is, he probably never really accepted that definition of himself, or not for more than a couple of seconds when his cover was first blown, but he's since built the wall back up around himself and is invincible again. In his mind it will all be my fault again and however many emails I send him detailing exactly how badly he let me down, he will just store them up as ammo to prove that I'm unhinged.

Detach detach detach...

X-post Sloo!

You're right Sloo, I should be glad he's dealing well with it. If the DCs were going there tomorrow to watch him wallow in self-pity it would be awful wouldn't it. I just have to hope that the self-loathing creeps in when he's on his own and realises what a balls he's made of it all.

In some ways I wish he'd shown some regrets and been just a teeny bit pissed off that I'd thrown him out, but actually its a blessing because I still don't trust myself not to be taken in when he cries. Lucky its so rare!

It's no longer your role to try and educate him emotionally. And you will allow him access to what's in your head. Do you want him to know he has that power over you?
Please don't. Silence over the ether is the worst thing for him... Nuff said!
X

The calm and happy persona may be a facade he's adopted to manipulate you as if he was in your position he'd probably hate to see you happy and coping. I wouldn't put too much store by it.
Don't email him, it will feed his ego and be used against you!

It's horrible isn't it. Like that song says, while you've got time he's got freedom. When a heart breaks it don't break even.

Don't email him. Don't let him get to you.

As bleedingheart says, his is probably a facade.

So, when you know he's due to bring your children back, have that nice food smell going or a fresh cake baking in the kitchen, with your favourite music playing. Spread out your uni/school pics and answer the door to him as though you're ending a conversation on your phone (yes, fake it) saying something like "brilliant can't wait to meet up again". Let him see what he's missing.

Then when he's gone, really try to move on and get some excitement back into your life. It's hard moving on, but it's great re-discovering yourself and doing what YOU WANT to do again.

Thanks guys. Sound advice as ever from the MN crew!

Will bake a banana loaf - his fave - to rub his nose in when he gets here! x

Such amazing advice, seeing you super bright and cheery with cake will not be what he's expecting. Really rub it in and offer him a wafer thin piece to take home with him!

Banana cake, yummy, when can I pop around?

I was about to wade in to give support, find it's already been given and I'm now drooling about banana cake instead.

Vent on here, on a piece of paper (then rip up or burn), or to close trusted friends NEVER to him. He'll only enjoy seeing you angry. Seeing you all serene with cake is not what he expects.

The detachment will get easier, promise.

Make banana cake. Imagine where you'd like to stick the banana. Sideways.

I've just lost it and snapped at H again for asking me if the DCs have everything ready to go to his house tonight. I told him to open the lid of the box and check, and he got all shirty saying that I had to help him to make sure they had what they needed.

I told him to use his imagination and think 'what might they need this evening and tomorrow morning for school' and check if its there. If its not, then fill the gap. This is not like some little holiday where I do all the packing for everyone else and he just looks after his own needs, this is his responsibility now.

I said that after what he's done to us all, I don't see why I should still have to help him with anything, I've been up all night with D&V (caught off DD who is off school today) and I've been out working this morning, I don't have the energy to still be running around after him.

He said we both need to help each other with the transition to make it all work smoothly for everyone. I know he's right and I still need his help with stuff too, but I can't just stand and watch him calmly taking half my home away, then walking out with my DCs (albeit only for one evening) without feeling so angry.

He said nothing and walked out the door.

f* him doingit. you don't have to help him with anything. You're absolutely right.

Just calmly say 'they are your responsibility when with you' and walk away.

What do you need his help with?

Bills, business stuff (I don't even know how to transfer money from Paypal to my business bank account) just the general running of the house, which I've always been 'sheltered' from before because he's a controlling tight-fisted git who wanted to keep tabs on the money

I suppose I also feel like I need to keep him onside as he has been reasonably generous WRT child maintenance and I don't want to rock the boat. But then I guess thats for the DCs, not for me, so he will definitely honour that agreement to keep the roof over their heads so that he can show the world what a fab dad he is .

I know it will be hard but try to sever as many links with him as you can. Find other people to help you with the basics, do the online tutorials etc yourself. Breaking dependence is really hard I know, I had to do the same and it gratified my semi-narc H very much when I begged for help which he could then refuse. You need not be rude to him, just distant and polite.

Yes the maintenance is an issue I see. You need to just tie him down to an agreement. My H agreed to this rather than go to court which he was too busy and important to do (and 4 years later I still don't have a divorce decree for this reason).

You don't need to work together. In future have their stuff waiting on the doorstep (start teaching them to pack for themselves, you can have a check list by the door). When he arrives just push them out of the door at him.

Stop allowing him in your house, for a wide range of reasons including that it is confusing for them.
Sort out yourself how to pay the bills, start a list of jobs you need to do, and do at least one a day. Phone them, or contact online and get them to help you sort out what needs to be done.
For practical things the Internet is great, I've even mended my washing machine from advice I found after a google search.

Each time you do something by yourself (or by asking random friends, people in the playground, a local teenager) it will be a real achievement!

Excellent advice! Thank you for posting OP. I needed all the detachment advice, too.
Can I also add the cautionary tale told by the poster who wrote a letter to her ex detailing the shit he had caused, which was greeted by a smirk and the comment that the letter just proved that she was an inadequate mother

I know, they see emotion as a weakness don't they.

I know the best revenge is to live a happy life without him, but having just waved off the 3 most important people in my life to spend the night with him, I just want to curl up and cry.

:( DoingIt