Stop me from sending Narcissist STBXH an email!

[DoingItForMyself]

...just that really. I'm feeling sick and wound up again after seeing him today and his stupid smug smiley face, being all sweetness and light to the DCs, who are all soooo excited about spending tomorrow evening with him for the first time in his new house. He even kissed me on the cheek when he came in to collect his stuff like he was just back from work.

I hate him I hate him I hate him and I want him to know that its NOT all ok, that its shit because of him.

But I know he won't listen/care/accept responsibility. Grrrrrrrr! I'm so fucking angry with him for ruining my family.

Breathe......

I posted earlier but the post got lost.

To a narcissist, any attention is good attention. Indifference is what really gets to them. After a long relationship with a narcissist ended, I wrote and wrote and wrote. I carried a book around with me in work and wrote down all my thoughts when they occurred to me. I kept a blog. I wrote e-mails and letters. It was all very carthartic. I managed not to send any of it to him.

Even when he texted out of the blue a couple of times, I managed not to reply. Narcs love knowing that they have control over us still by us either being angry with them or loving towards them. Both emotions show that they still mean something to us and I knew mine would just turn around and sneer at me if I tried to get through to him.

I remember reading a good quote about trying to get through to a narc....it's like throwing your emotional energy into the abyss.

They will never get it, no matter how different ways you try to tell them how you're feeling and the impact they've had. It's a total waste of your time and energy.

Resist! Write here instead....

I'm resisting but its so hard when he's here not to start with a little niggle and then gets out of control. Thanks Shirsten and arthriticfingers for the hug!

Maybe I should get a diary too - but actually its more cathartic to get it all out on here as at least I can get some feedback from others in the same situation!

Once he's moved his stuff out it will be easier, as then we should only have to talk regarding the DCs, but I know even that will cause arguments further down the line when the novelty has worn off. I'll just have to accept that whatever he's prepared to give them will be his limit, as otherwise he'll see it as 'me trying to get rid of them for the evening' rather than me wanting them to spend time with their dad.

I do feel like I'm banging my head against a wall trying to talk to him - always have, so why I'm expecting anything different now I don't know.

He showed me a tiny glimpse of humanity for about 30 seconds when I got him to apologise for hurting me and he said that he had to leave as he knew he'd destroyed everything. I suppose I've been waiting to see that guilt again to validate my feelings, but he's conveniently hidden it away, never to be seen again.

I don't have any advice what hasn't already been posted but wanted to add....
I used to almost bite my tongue off trying not to speak anything more than one word answers to my ex.
I used to wait until he'd gone with the kids then head to my bedroom mirror and let rip...everything that I wanted to say/scream at him but wouldn't give him the satisfaction of saying it to him....
It was quite therapeutic, feeling as if I'd gotten it off my chest but god only knows what my neighbours must of thought if they heard me :) xx

I always suspected that there was a human being underneath the veneer of narcissism with my ex. Very occasionally, it would come out and he was always appalled at how he behaved. But he just couldn't sustain that person for very long.

It is very hard leaving a relationship like this because there is never any closure. They don't ever acknowledge that they've hurt us or seem sorry at what happened (except for the occasional glimpse as you've seen). It happened to me again recently with a guy I was seeing (see my very long other thread). I don't feel as if I got any closure from him either and it's been tough.

I do feel for you having to speak to him still because of the children. I was able to leave mine and I moved 140 miles away. That was one of the best things I have ever done.

If it's any consolation, I believe narcs to be very, very unhappy people.

I think he is very unhappy Shirsten. He said when we were breaking up that he sometimes felt like he wouldn't care if he crashed on the way to work.

I have a horrible feeling that he may well commit suicide one day, because he has no joy in his life and he will soon realise how empty it is without us around him all the time. Not that I would particularly care for myself after the way he's treated me, but he's still the DCs' dad...

But of course I've spoken to him about medication (side effects from tablets he already takes and about potentially getting some ADs) but of course, I know nothing - I'm too stupid to have any insight into his magnificent life and the problem is entirely situational, so now he has moved out his life will be perfect .

I've heard that narcs are very unlikely to commit suicide. They are just too wonderful to deprive the world of their presence!

Mine said the same kind of melancholy stuff too. It kept me feeling sorry for him and I was focused on him for years when I should have been thinking about myself.

I helped mine go to the dr and get psychotherapy. He decided he couldn't afford it in the end (life's tough when you're only on £60k a year) and spent about £1000 on clothes instead to reinvent himself. Because looking like a fashion victim was going to solve all his problems.

It was when I realised that mine wasn't going to change that I walked away. It's very hard not to feel sorry for them but giving them any brain space whatsoever is a waste of your energy.

And yes, obviously everything bad in his life so his life will be brilliant now. Mine said the same to me....6 months later was texting me saying he missed me. I ignored him. 12 months on he was texting again wanting to know why I wouldn't talk to him.

Utterly bonkers!

I meant to say:
And yes, obviously everything bad in his life is your fault so his life will be brilliant now.....!

Also, someone said to me "don't try to rationalise with an irrational person"! Very wise words.

Oh dear, I just got drawn in again! Why can't I stop myself!?!?

He came to collect some more stuff today and said his shifts have changed at work and he has told the DCs that they can now stay for 2 nights Sun & Mon.

I accused him of doing it just to spite me - he hasn't had half an hour for them in the last 12 years but now he's happy to entertain them all for 3 evenings in one week!

I'm so pissed off and said he was using them, he said he's just trying to 'help' and 'do his share' but why could he never do that when he lived here? He only wants to do it now because it shows how great he is, what a caring and loving dad - yeah right.

I don't want to be without my DCs for 3 nights in one week - when I told him to leave it was on the understanding that his parenting would continue in the same way is has always been (next to non-existent). If I'd known he would suddenly be taking them away from me this much I may not have done this. I don't want to be a part-time parent, that was his role. What a mess .

I feel like running away from all this and just saying 'here you are superdad, they're all yours' because I know he will use my love for them to continue to grind me down. Luckily I love them too much to actually do it, I know they need me as the constant in their life.

I'm worried that he'll use it to reduce the amount of maintenance he gives me too.

Take a deep breath and stay calm.

My ex did this too.

Here's what you do. Start dressing up like you're going out. He doesn't need to know that you're not. He'll start feeling like a convenient babysitter and not want the children around so much.

I know we shouldn't play mind games. But it's games that they play with us.

My ex took my boys away from me (long story) and that's how I got them back. For some reason he no longer wanted to be primary parent

H didn't really want to be a parent full stop until he was given his marching orders, now he's all "oh I just want to do my share and make it up to them" .

I don't want to be without them, but I honestly thought he didn't want to be with them after the way he has spoken about them all these years. I told him he is contrary and that he will do anything just to try and prove that I am wrong about him.

I'm ashamed to say I also made a dig about the fact that he's wearing snug fitting t-shirts and baseball boots as part of his 'mid-life crisis' - not my finest moment, but just another little 'reinvention' of the boring, saggy trousered, old bloke he was when he was here. I know I shouldn't have even mentioned it, but just seeing him makes me into a horrible person. All the more ammo for his character assassination of me

Have you thought of putting hair remover in his shampoo? That should fix the mid life crisis. (I'm joking)

He's playing super guy. But it will stop if he thinks him having the children is a benefit to you. So try be bright and breezy and busy with a (fake) social life and watch him revert back to type.

As for the fake thing, first you fake it, then you do it. You'll feel so much better once you've taken back control and steer your life in a whole new direction.

I know this is all still new and raw for you. It will take time. But you'll get there.

Just stop letting him push your buttons. Stop reacting to him.

If he says he is taking them, and you say, 'oh good! I can accept the invitation after all - I would never put my kids second, but if they're with you...' he may reconsider.

Also, be putting on make up when he comes, look distracted and keep checking your phone.

Actually, don't play games, but it is fun to think of them.

OP: The superdad thing will pass in time. But in the meantime, when he's being an arse, just try standing there with no expression on your face, but writing "fuck off" with your tongue on the roof of your mouth....

Thanks all! Lemony, that is fabulous I will be trying that one this evening when he gets here. I ended up throwing all his shoes out of the shoe cupboard and telling him to put them in the garage and give me a timescale for removing them as any reminders of him here are just winding me up even more.

Damsel , he's already bald and thinks hair is a bit 'dirty' and disgusting , so that would only play into his hands! Maybe I should put ReGain in there instead

I'm so torn, on one hand I know that I should be using the opportunity of a night without the DCs to go out and enjoy myself, but I just miss them so much as my world has revolved around them for so long. Its so galling to see him try so hard to come across as reasonable and caring when he only ever cared about one person before.

at Regain!

What is it with the reinvention and the clothes?! My STBXH , 48, went out and bought a whole new wardrobe of clothes after he left me, to "build up his confidence". He went from wearing chinos, polo shirts and tshirts to wearing boot cut jeans with faded patches, suede boots, Art shoes, checked shirts, black jacket covered in zips.... All from places he never shopped in before! Funnily enough it's the sort of clothes that OW's husband (his best mate ) wears......

I did wonder about an OW today Skye, he has certainly changed towards me since he got a new job and joined the gym (both places he could have met someone I don't know about) but tbh, he's so misogynistic that I can't imagine he'd want to saddle himself with 'a load more earache' having just got rid of me.

I was slightly when I noticed that the Ann Summers 'Rabbit' he bought me a few years ago (because gadgets are far superior to actual affection of course) has gone from his underwear drawer when he took his stuff (I put it in there as a protest as I didn't want the DCs finding it if they were looking for socks in my drawer!).

Perhaps he's planning on a long and loving relationship with that instead?!

at the rabbit going missing! Lol. Dread to think what he's going to do with it!

When I packed up all STBXH's stuff I took the condoms out of the drawer and kept them! I thought I don't want him doing somebody else with durex that Ive paid for, lol. Plus I might need them myself

Kept the rabbit though he bought it a few years ago as a Christmas present for me.....