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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm a fool but what now?

26 replies

emess · 24/06/2012 18:45

Really don't know where to start. DH suffers from tinnitus and depression and says he's being treated for possible schizophrenia. However I say none of this excuses him being rude to me, our DS and my best friend (last night) and being angry with me all day today. None of the above is for the first time, either. We've had several frank exchanges of views today: I told him I was tired of living like this, that I am scared in my own house when he gets angry, etc. He assures me he won't hurt any of us - I've told him he already has (EA) etc. You get the gist. He insisted he would have to be the one to move out on the grounds that "you can't leave me with the children!" Er, the children are both at uni and we barely see them as it is. He has threatened and attempted suicide in the past, and still insists it's "the only way out" for him (especially since I told him he has alrady hurt us!). So now he has left the house with a jacket on and a rucksack. Not the first time he has done this - he has been gone for between 2 and 11 hours in the past. I know he has all his meds with him, but no phone or wallet however, and earlier today he also cut up all but one bank/credit card.
My friend was upset last night - not on my behalf, but because his behaviour brought back memories of her violent ex-p whom she left 30 years ago. I did text her later with a sorry but have not had a reply.

I'm obviously a fool for letting him treat me like this, but what now? Anyone been in this place? Obviously with him being mentally ill I have spells of feeling like a heartless cow...

OP posts:
jynier · 24/06/2012 19:33

Sorry emess - have only just seen your post!

It sounds as if he needs professional help; is he under the care of a doctor/social worker? Do you know where he is?

Am not really qualified to venture an opinion and am very sorry that you are going through this. Hopefully, you will soon receive excellent MN advice!

Best wishes.

jynier · 24/06/2012 19:41

bump

twitchrabbitbouncebounce · 24/06/2012 20:40

I have no ideas or advice but am bumping for you and hope you can get some good advice, it sounds like a horrible situation to be in.
x

Leverette · 24/06/2012 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

balotelli · 24/06/2012 21:28

Why are you the fool?

You obviously get nothing from this relationship and deserve so much more.

What ever he chooses to do to 'leave' the relationship/planet is his choice. You are not responsible for his choices only he is so dont fall for that old crap.

Sounds like you are so much better off without him
I have tinnitus and yes its horrible but never bad enough to take it out on my family and the others that I love nad care for.

emess · 24/06/2012 21:54

Thanks for the responses.
jynier - Yes he is seeing MH team for counselling etc. I did call the police on a previous occasion but as he pointed out, he's an adult who can go out on his own without the police needing to be involved!

Leverette - he's not harming me physically, but I'm aware his behaviour amounts to EA.

balotelli - I'm a fool for not standing up for myself sooner.

I was hoping to make a stand on my own terms, but with him going out, and being uncontactable (no phone) he's doing it all on his terms again (contol freak!). That annoys me. Should I change the locks before he comes back? I've left the key in the door and am currently planning to not let him in unless he has stopped being angry (unlikely if past episodes are anything to go by). But what I'll do if he's not back before I go to bed I don't know (I sleep like a log - another thing that annoys him...).

OP posts:
jynier · 24/06/2012 22:19

emess - This must be so difficult for you. Do you think that he is doing this for attention or to punish you?

If you are sure that he is not in any danger, go to bed and don't worry about him! Do you know what he put in the rucksack? Maybe he has a sleeping bag or a blanket? Perhaps he will go to a friend.

Seems as if he is determined to make your life a misery and he really does sound like a control freak!

emess · 24/06/2012 22:24

jynier - could be either. Rucjsack isn't big enough for a sleeping bag and he has no friends! Thanks for your thoughts anyway.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 24/06/2012 22:28

Just let him go

He's a grown man, with all his faculties (despite these vague "diagnoses")

He can look after himself, your only responsibilty is to yourself

sassy34264 · 24/06/2012 22:32

if he hasnt taken his phone or wallet, then its all for show.

if he was planning to kill himself- why take a rucksack?

i had an abusive ex who had a mental illness, but he was violent and i had to plan an exit strategy behind his back.

i know you might feel like a heartless cow but you're really not. there is only so much anyone can put up with and tbh even if you dont want to break up, it might be better for you to separate to give him the impetus to sort himself out.

Lueji · 24/06/2012 22:34

I had a colleague with tinnitus and he was never any leas than friendly.

His behaviour seems like emotional blackmail, but do ring the police.

Tbh, ex threatened to leave a few times during our marriage and I only regret not letting him go then.

Ex also supposedly had depression and anxiety but the main thing was that he was a twat and wanted to be one.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/06/2012 22:50

IME the people who commit suicide don't threaten to do it, they just get on and do it quietly with no warning or fuss. I agree with AF that you should do nothing. He is probably enjoying knowing that you are worried. Door-chains, internal bolts, or leaving the keys inside the locks is a good way of making your house inaccessible even if someone has a key.

Lizzabadger · 24/06/2012 22:50

Oh god this sounds awful.
Longer term you really need to get out of the "relationship" - this is no way to live.
For now, I agree with the advice to call the police.

emess · 24/06/2012 23:13

OK, he came back in one piece. Giving me the silent treatment now and heading to sleep on floor of lounge again. His choice.

Thanks for support for now!

OP posts:
jynier · 24/06/2012 23:24

Apparently, the silent treatment is the least recognised but most extreme form of mental cruelty.

emessTry and have a good night's sleep and start thinking about your future when you are less stressed (if possible). x

jynier · 25/06/2012 09:01

emess Hope that you're ok and had a peaceful night!

Mama1980 · 25/06/2012 09:03

Oh this sounds awful love. I hope you got some rest? He is manipulative and abusive, and you are not a fool at all.

fluffyraggies · 25/06/2012 09:54

I agree this is all very manipulative behavior. It sounds so miserable for you :(

Hope you got rest last night. I also hope you can sit down with him today and tell him you wont stand for all this crap any more.

Wishing you well.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 25/06/2012 10:14

emess do you want to pursue this relationship?

This is who he is. Is it who you want to be with?

pictish · 25/06/2012 10:21

Basically, this guy is trying to emotionally blackmail and bully you into accepting whatever shit behaviour he deigns to fling in your direction. If you dare to protest, out come the threats and the punishments.

It says 'you will do what I want you to do, or I'll make you suffer'.

It's horrible.

emess · 25/06/2012 17:17

OK, so we've established he's treating me badly. I don't like it and don't want to live like this any longer. What now? I've tried appealing to his sense of reason, his loyalty to me as his wife, I've asked him to respect me - all in vain. OK, I've read enough on MN to understand that while I stay and put up with it (however much I may complain about his behaviour towards me) he is getting the message that it's OK for him to behave like this. How can I get him to stop? I can't. So, what are my options?

Yesterday we had a conversation with me saying "I can't believe we've fallen so far from what brought us together to this, where you can hardly look at me." He looks so sorry for himself and says he can't help it. I've told him I think he can help SOME of his behaviour.

A therapist I saw a few months ago asked if I still love him, and I replied that I think I still love the person he used to be. But I really am finding things intolerable and am annoyed at myself that I can't see a way out.

Do I ask him to leave? Do I leave? Neither of us has anywhere to go and can't afford to move anywhere. Move into a hotel?

Sorry for rambling - just writing this helps, I'm trying to see sense but can't see the woods for the trees.

OP posts:
emess · 25/06/2012 17:21

pictish - It says 'you will do what I want you to do, or I'll make you suffer'. I'm suffering as it is ... I lose either way!
HotDAMN - I don't want to be who he has become, that's for sure
fluffy - I also hope you can sit down with him today and tell him you wont stand for all this crap any more. And I say what exactly? That's the bit I'm struggling with. Is this the bit where I say 'you have to leave'? So I become the wicked witch of the west, chucking him out when he's mentally ill and has nowhere to go? (See, this is why I say I am a fool - I can't being myself to do it, and I don't know why!)

OP posts:
emess · 25/06/2012 17:21

...to be with who he has become (doh).

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 25/06/2012 18:30

My friend has recently been in the same position. Mentally ill husband, life intolerable and revolving around his moods. In some ways it was easier for her as she has DCs but he left in the end after receiving a solicitor's letter.

sadwidow28 · 25/06/2012 18:33

Well, I think you recognise that you two have to separate and live your own lives. You can't be your husband's keeper and he is destroying your life.

Get an appointment with CAB and they will advise you about anything you are entitled to claim (benefit wise). And/or contact a solicitor in your area who offers Legal Aid and a free half hour. Write down all your questions so that you use each appointment wisely.

It is possible to move out yourself. It may take some time and planning with the support of appropriate agencies.

My SIL finally made the break after 27 years of marriage - she left with a plate, a knife and fork - but her council flat is fast becoming her safe home with the support of very good friends and family. It is possible to make your new life in a different space.