Teenage Son's Girlfriend

[plebble]

Hi,
My teenage son has been dating his girlfriend a couple of months. Two days ago I asked him if it was her that left a deep and long scratch on his neck. He said she did, as he'd said something that upset her and she lashed out at him. She says she likes to manipulate him and wants to train to be a neuroscientist. I told my son that I'm upset she hurt him and that she assaulted him. I also said that I am here for him to talk to about anything whenever he needs to. He is very open and honest with me and I'm grateful for that aspect of our relationship.
I'm deeply worried about his girlfriend. Why does she think its right to assault him? They are both so young and naive, but she assaulted him and I'm so worried about him, and more so her!
Any advice would be gratefully accepted.
Thanks

You're doing the right thing. Express your concern, tell him people who 'lash out' are never right, say you're always there to listen, remind him that he's a great person and loved son, and then step back. If you get the girlfriend on her own you might also tell her that you've seen the scratch. Not too aggressively, but so that she knows you've got your eye on her. Any serious attempts to split them up would probably backfire. If you give him support and confidence he should be able to dump her himself.

How old is he?

...I also said that I am here for him to talk to about anything whenever he needs to. He is very open and honest with me and I'm grateful for that aspect of our relationship...

I'm not sure what else you can do. If he's a young teen I guess you can try to put a ban on the relationship but it is very difficult to control who our children see outside of the home and it is even more difficult to control who they fall in love with. My DS was involved with a girl who pulled every emotional trick in the book on him while seeing other guys behind DS's back. All we could do was to be there to pick up the pieces and to listen to him when he needed to talk. We always made sure she was welcome in our home even though we had deep concerns about the relationship. Not sure what the bit about her wanting to be a neuroscientist has to do with anything though? People from all walks of life can be abusive and manipulative.

I'm worried when she mentioned neuroscience as my son said she tries to manipulate and control him and he doesn't like it.
I'm hoping he will dump her and realise this is not what a relationship is about. They've gone off together today for an open day at a university. Being a parent is so difficult sometimes. I love my son so much and only want the best for him. I don't want to be dictating who he can and can't see and risk it backfiring in my face. I can just love him, support him and keep telling him how fantastic he is, and hope he has the confidence to politely tell this girlfriend he deserves better!

He just turned 17.

This may be out of turn but if she's that controlling, how far would she go? 'Accidental' pregnancy? It sounds like you're a great mum and your son sounds as though he will see sense soon - hopefully before she could possibly try anything else. Just carry on being there for him.

How much do you know about his girlfriend in terms of her background, have you met her family?. If this is what it is like two months in then goodness alone knows what she is capable of.

At 17 he is still a child really and certainly not at all versed in the ways of the world or relationships particularly poor ones like the one he is currently in. She may have told him all sorts of manipulative crap to get him to stay within it along the lines of, "I can't live without you" type of nonsense and, "if you leave me I'll be nothing". Its all too easy at such a young and tender age to be sucked into such dramatic highs and lows.

How would he react do you think to the suggestion that he should break up with her?. Has he himself considered this idea?.

Domestic violence does affect men as well and she has indeed assaulted him. I would ask your son to contact ManKind.

Its not looking at all good for your son if he continues in a relationship with this damaged person. He may well be kind and perhaps he is wanting to rescue and or save such a person; being a rescuer or a saviour in a relationship never works though.

He cannot change someone like this, he is better off walking away now whilst he still can. I would try and instill enough confidence in him so he has the ability to walk away from such a damaging relationship. Keep talking to him and make sure he knows you are and always will be there for him.

Has he spoken to his Dad, if so what was his response?.

He's only been seeing her for 'a couple of months' and they've gone off to attend a university open day together.

Are they planning to attend the same university? Will your son be attending open days at other universities?

How much influence do you think this young woman may be able to exert over your ds's choice of university?

Are either of them contemplating a gap year?

I don't think neuroscience has anything to do with manipulating people, if that is what she meant, it is the study of the nervous system.

You can look up universities and the subjects they teach to see how they are rated in the Good University Guide. Hopefully the subject he wants to study won't be at the uni she goes to and you can point him elsewhere.

My son is indeed a very kind hearted young man. I'm so very worried about this relationship because he really really likes her. It looks like she is trying to manipulate him into studying at the same university as her. He's said he doesn't like the fact she manipulates him. 6th Form finishes soon, and he's going away with the school, so lets hope he can have time to think and finish this before she gets too nasty.

As for speaking with his father, I'm 100% he wouldn't speak to him about it. I'm divorced due to DV, and feeling extremely guilty that this may have filtered down to my DS. Maybe that is why this girl is able to manipulate him as my DS saw how ex husband manipulated me with DV.

I would definitely speak to the girl about it. I can understand why you're worried - I would be too, in your position.

I agree with the poster that you should warn him about pregnancy. He would have a link for life with this girl if that happened and you can bet your life if he had another girlfriend afterwards she'd try to stop that.

I would definitely encourage him to go to a different university. Are they in their AS year? What does he want to study? Will PM you re this.

OP

That must be so hard to see your son in an abusive relationship.

I certainly think its time for a frank discussion over a cup of tea. You can present the facts (like domestic abuse being abhorrent regardless of sex), teen pregnancy and how it can be used to control a person, and how much better he can do. It sounds like he really trusts and respects you, but at no point should you say 'you're too young for this, play the field etc'. Just present the facts and he will gain a lot from it.

But seriously, lots of sympathy. If this was a dd, people would be encouraging you to phone the police/contact parents etc

"He's said he doesn't like the fact she manipulates him".

Well at least he realises he is being manipulated but did he elaborate further after saying the above?. Not doing nothing here on his part is not an option; he needs to be rid of this girl asap before she scratches him further and makes his life a complete misery (which it is fast becoming). At 17 he is still but a child really, being in such a poor relationship now will not do his self worth any favours either and could affect him in the longer term also. He may well think that she can be somehow rescued or saved by his love and kindness he shows towards her. I would ask him that outright if that is the case here. Your son certainly needs to attend a different uni that goes without saying.

I would also ask him what he is getting out of this relationship with this girl now.

Am sorry to read of situation re his Dad; I only asked as you did not mention him. At least you have now escaped such a damaged individual.

Again how much do you know about this girl in terms of her family background?.

Abusive relationships can equally happen to both sexes; your son has fallen into this as well. It will take him a fair while now to recover from her:(.

Corner her re the scratch. I went toe to toe with the toe rag my daughter was entertaining. Bared my teeth, let him know in no uncertain terms mummy was a bitch and mummy's baby does not get messed with. Didn't bar him from the house but was very open on my thoughts. If he is living at home, then you can be concerned. Agree though, not alot else you can do.

He she hanging round alot at your house or do they go elsewhere

Sorry about this, but if someone has left a mark on my off spring then I jolly well want to know why it was there and that I am not happy about it.

She seems to visit here every day, usually when I'm at work. I know as I commented on her hair in the bathroom. I'm going to have a chat with DS, who seems very tired and withdrawn. Going to have to tred very carefully so as not to push him further towards her.

Do they attend the same school?

Any chance you can canvas opinions of this girl from some of your ds's mates/? In an oblique way, of course.

How often do you get to see her? Has she told you she likes to manipulate your ds or has that come from him/other sources? Have you met or had any contact with her dps?

Go lola! yep, I'd do the same!

Let us know how that 'talk' goes OP. he might be reaching the same conclusions himself, hence the tired and withdrawn behaviour

OMG! We had our 'talk' and he said he doesn't see any harm in what she did, as it was jokey violence, as in he jokes arounds and hits his friends. He says I have a warped view of what violence is due to his father being violent to me. He says I am way too sensitive and that I need to calm down. Said I disagree, and that I've never jokingly hurt him. Also said that we're disagreeing in a conversation and not hurting one another or losing control. He genuinely can't see the harm in her scratching his neck and even went as far to say it was an accident. We disagreed and left it at that with me saying I totally disagree with him. Saying I'm his mother, and I don't and have never intentionally hurt him. He thinks I'm over protective and sensitive and need to get over my irrational fear of violence due to his father. Felt like crying when he said that. Am crying now :( and totally and utterly confused

Oh sweetheart

My love. Keep at it. Ask him how he would feel if a total stranger did that to him in the street? Don't be down hearted. You have told him how you feel. He is worried that you are worried. Stay with it.
Corner that little madam.

Thank you guys. Feeling really crappy now. Supposed to be doing some work, and can't get motivated. Hate any kind of violence, and feel so upset. Think I'm just going to watch a movie, chill out, and do my work later. Least if I watch a sad movie and DS sees tears, I can blame the movie.

This thread should be stickied. For all those people who say violence in a parents relationship does not affect children. So many people on here do believe that. Or want to.

What an awful situation for you op. His perception is obviously the one that is warped. Tell her you've got her cards marked.