Teenage Son's Girlfriend

[plebble]

Hi,
My teenage son has been dating his girlfriend a couple of months. Two days ago I asked him if it was her that left a deep and long scratch on his neck. He said she did, as he'd said something that upset her and she lashed out at him. She says she likes to manipulate him and wants to train to be a neuroscientist. I told my son that I'm upset she hurt him and that she assaulted him. I also said that I am here for him to talk to about anything whenever he needs to. He is very open and honest with me and I'm grateful for that aspect of our relationship.
I'm deeply worried about his girlfriend. Why does she think its right to assault him? They are both so young and naive, but she assaulted him and I'm so worried about him, and more so her!
Any advice would be gratefully accepted.
Thanks

It is a mother's love and nothing can and nobody can understand how intense that is. Paticularly when you see your child being mistreated. YOu are entitled to feel crappy, but it is not your fault and don't let him blame you for it. If there is one thing you understand is how we like to diminish those things we would rather not think about.
don't watch Kramer Vs. Kramer for Gods sake. Have a good cry then lay a trap for that fist happy little madam. Go to the heart of it.

I know it's a long shot. But are you positive that he got scratched because she lashed out at him?

This is coming from someone who regularly slashes her DP due to her long nails in...certain situations

And yes, I'd definitely be cornering her and tell her you're watching her. She has assaulted a minor who is under your care. Just so she's in possession of the facts.

slatternlymother yeah, you tell her that if she cannot play nice then she shall have you to answer to. My friend had to take a simliar tack with her daughter and nasty arse of a boyfriend. DD also said that it was play fighting. The head butt apparently wasn't a head butt. It is a matter of time before reality gate crashes the delusion. Hold firm dear heart, hold firm.

Yes I too would get her on her own and quietly let her know you're watching her.
And OP just because your ds has brushed this all aside and has seemingly ignored your advice remember he will be mulling things over in his head. This stuff takes a lot of time to process, a lot of time. You have to be like a stuck record, quietly and consistently telling him the same thing, giving him the same messages.

I can't help but think the whole thing would be a different tack totally if your ds was a young girl. You'd call and be taken seriously by, the police, school, parents... So many people don't care when it happens to a man I could cry for you OP

Your son sounds like he is in denial of what is really happening here. She is really going to hurt him big time in the end. The scratch is but a small part of the overall abuse that is happening to him.

What do you yourself know about this girl and her own family?.

Also what bigbuttons has said as well.

plebble,

Have a look at this website as well, I would also show this to your son.

www.mankind.org.uk

From his responses to your 'talk', I'm getting the feeling that your ds has discussed his df's violence to youchildhood with this girl.

If she is manipulative/possessive, she'd like nothing better than to drive a wedge between you and your son. Teenage hormones being what they are, albeit temporarily she has the power create a rift in your mother/son relationship.

I suggest you resolve to let this subject rest for a while as continuing to bang the drum may play into her hands and lead to accusations that you're trying to manipulate, or are being over-protective of, him.

Keep a watching brief and, if you haven't already done so, search online to increase the number of universities your ds can apply to.

Also plebble, when we are abused we becoming numb to it, we normalise it. That is why I am advising you to keep telling him it is not ok, don't let him become inured to this kind of behaviour.
No one likes being attacked, it doesn't make them feel good, but they can make excuses for it, make it normal, make themselves at fault. By being the external voice you can stop the normalising happening, certainly to a degree at least.
The chances are this crappy girl will disappear once they have gone to uni. She will find someone else to abuse and hopefully your ds will meet someone who is not off the rails.
I would also calmly say to him that your thoughts on his scratch have nothing to do with your abusive ex. It is not ok to scratch someone, unless in self defence perhaps but, no it's no ok, not normal,not funny, not a joke. Keep saying that to him.
It's not ok that she has violated his boundaries, it's not ok that anyone does that to him. If you can give him an idea of where his boundaries should be he will have a stronger sense of self and self belie and be less likely to let girls like her push their way in. But as I said before it takes time, start here.
I have just left an abusive relationship myself and am teaching my dc's the idea of respect for others and their feelings and self respect . This is my primary goal atm. Nothing else bar their physical care matters atm. Their father likes to tease, all and it hurts them. Luckily there isn't any teasing in my house!

Thank you lovely lovely women!! Watched my movie, had some comfort food and cuddled up with the cat and feel a lot better now. Had another chat with DS. Said that I don't like arguing with him, but I love him and as much as he may not like it I'll always disagree to any kind of violence. If that makes me over sensitive then I'm guilty. He listened and accepted that I love him and am not trying to tell him what to do, just that I care about him getting hurt. He's being the typical teenager in his room chatting with his friend over a game they're playing on the playstation.
Thanks once again guys. And for those that say domestic violence doesn't affect children, here is the proof!! Those that don't agree it affects children are totally blinkered. Abuse filters down. Take a look at any mother and her behaviour, it filers down to the children. If a mother is stressed out, the children more that likely will be too. If a mother is happy and smiling and at ease so will her children be. A mothers love is like no other indeed. I'll love, protect and care for my son forever as I told him.

That is good to hear. It might take a while but I am sure you will get there in the end. All will be well and that wagon will be sent on her way.
"Wagon" is a word from home that means an unpleasant young woman.

Thank you lolaflores. Was just chatting with a friend who agreed that mumnset ladies are brilliant! She told me about mumsnet and I'm so very glad she did. What a brilliant forum to get advice and rant! Lets hope my DS gets wise and makes the correct decision. I can but only guide him, and love him and be his mum x

OH DEAR! Just spoke to DS and his girlfriend. Asked if I could have 5 minutes of their time. Said that I had spoken to DS about play fighting and that I did not agree with DS's opinion on violence. Told his girlfriend that I don't agree with them hurting one another, and that as DS's mother I have a right to say something when my son is hurt, as I'm sure her parents would if she was hurt. DS said I had no right to say anything, and I said that as his mother, I have every right to say something when my son is hurt. Sons girlfriend looked really embarrassed and I felt really awkward but I'm so glad I said what I did. Thanked them both for listening and said that I hope they can see that caring and loving about one another is not hurting one another. DS left to take her home, and returned 5 mins later to collect something. Said thanks mum you just really embarrassed me. Oh dear, but I'm so glad I did say something. As least DS's girlfriend knows how I feel.

STANDING OVATION FROM THE CHEAP SEATS.....well well well done you. Well done that woman. Awkward smkward. You took it to her, politely and without any aggression, so any more of your behaviour madam, I got my eye on you.
So proud for you. You are stopping the cycle now.
Mine (19) gets embarrased if I breath near her. But she knows that I don't really care too much because if something is important enough then embarrassed doesn't even come into it.

Well done for firing a warning shot across her bows laying your cards on the table in a non-confrontational manner. Hopefully this will make her think on.

However, as you what you don't want to do is give them cause to 'bond' more than they have already, I would suggest that you don't raise this subject again for a while and give every impression of having forgotten it when you next see his gf - and when your ds comes home later.

I've said my bit, and i'll leave them to it, as I said to them both, its up to them what they do in their relationship and none of my business. I'll only say something when I see them hurting one another. I won't hold a grudge, and she will be welcome here, which I should have said to her.
Absolutely hate confrontations of any kind, but i couldn't not say anything and very glad that I did.