protecting children and self from porn induced separation

[Pilotbear]

partner using porn daily online and dvds and searching causual sex sites(can't confirm if sleeping around, only fantasy, but?) when responsible for kids and I was home. Attempt to discuss caused aggressively putting me down, my issue ie insecure, bottomless pit for love bitch etc. He has moved out at my request almost a week ago and we haven't spoken except to text re access for kids. He has requested a longer visit mon and I have asked him to agree not to use porn while responsible for kids as a condition. No response from him. Am I being paranoid? do I allow visit anyway. Do I have any right not to? He is otherwise a good dad and I think the risk is low, but for hoped for agreement to rebuild some trust, protect boys and reduce my anxiety levels. 2 boys 4 and 8 Also will really struggle finacially if we separate permantly but think his addiction and treatment of me exceed my coping skills. Trying to organise conselling, but don't know what to do

Good move, well done.

Maybe you can remove laptops etc?

You can insist that he doesn't expose the children to pornographic material, of course. You can insist that the children get his full attention when they are in his care. But I don't think it's reasonable to expect to dictate what your ex does in his free time.

think he has a right to use computer, but not at the kids or my expense and don't actually know where he is living right now so have no control oveer what happens when kids are in his care. is it unreasonalbe to ask him not to use when he has them? and should I allow longer visit monday if he doesn't respond to my request?

Are you looking after children now while you're MN'ing?

I'm looking after children while MNing.

I'm not sitting here getting my rocks off to pictures/videos of women being degraded.

If they see what is on the screen I won't be committing a crime.

Which is why I say the OP is entitled to ask him to give the children his full attention and not expose them to pornography but I think that's the limit of the control

Boys are asleep whilst I am online. What he does when they are not in his care or they are sleeping is up to him and I have no right or desire to know, but due to my anxiety and resultant hypervigilence as a maladaptive coping strategy I know he was using when responsible for them. Not hard for one of them to want him and just walk in. Genuinely want to limit their exposure, but also wanted assurance. Didn't think agreement would be an issue, but lack of response tends to make me feel a real lack of accoutablility on his part and increase my concern that the separation may need to be permanent. Still don't know what to do re monday prob more important for kids to see him than the risk of exposure?

Last tues was due date of baby i miscarried. I was feeling pretty low and wanted support. His aggressive response to my knocking and entering the study after invitation made it clear what he was up to. I asked him to come to bed, but didn't tell him the date. He was annoyed at being interrupted and came to bed much later rolling away. it was really hard to lie in bed knowing what he was doing. Don't want to let my sadness and stress cloud what is best for boys. Still don't know what to do mon.

I meant tues week ago

Pilotbear, I don't think you are being unreasonable. I would want to protect my child/children too from what sounds clearly like an addiction. How you can arrange this/ensure this is another matter. I hope you get the advice and support you need.

Remind him that if the boys are exposed to porn - it can be classified as child sex abuse.

I suspect he is angry with me, thinks this is my prob and is unwilling to look at himself. My asking for agreement not to use during visitation from his perspective prob just looks like an attempt to control him and that I think he lacks judgement. His daily usage(multiple porn sites and searching of casual sex sites and Im not sure about sleeping around fantansy only?), treatment of me and lack of response further support the severity of the situation. He is a good dad. Part of me stilll hopes we can sort things out and I don't want to make things worse or hurt the boys by not allowing them to see him. Do I trust him without agreement?

Does anyone know any phone counselling sites or online free sites where I can get help between now and when I can see a cousellor?

He is not a good dad.
You are right to seek advice, only sorry I can't tell you whom to contact.
Perhaps try Childline and see if they can direct you to the right people.
I would absolutely seek advice from lawyers and social services before entrusting a porn addict with DCs care, wether he is their father or not.
Sorry, absolutely horrible, but clearly you are not willing to take the risk and as he is not giving an answer to your concerns, there does not seem to be any other option.
Really sorry and all the best. You are right.

He has a porn addiction.
He has jeopardised his relationship, his family's finances and the welfare of his children in order to indulge his addiction. He is no different from any other sort of junkie.
He is not a good dad.
Do not trust him without an agreement.
Do not trust his with an agreement.
I think he is unlikely to follow any of the conditions you set down for times when he is in sole charge of the children and he will of course react angrily to any intrusion of reality (in the form of your reminders to him that what he insists on doing is not ok when the children are present) on the fantasy world he has chosen to live in.

Have you looked into contact centres as a venue for him to see the boys?

The only way this will improve is if his attitude changes 100% from what it is right now -- he must admit he has a problem and he must do all in his power to fix it. Sadly for you and the children, he is nowhere near that place. For that to happen, he would need to hit rock bottom and while he hasn't lost everything he supposedly cherishes he can still delude himself that the problem is all inside your head and nothing to do with him and his choices.

I think if he insists on seeing them under his conditions you should find a solicitor and be prepared to go to court and make him argue his position. You will need evidence of the extent of his fixation with pornography. Perhaps you could have the computer looked at?

thanks for feedback guys. Think I need to get advice before allowing further contact, but really tricky. Youngest is meant to be in childcare monday whilst I work and ex wants to pick him up from there. Don't know what situation is when there is no formal arrangement. ie if he wants to can he just take him from childcare? Am bit worried abt finances, but could take day off to prevent pick up until get more advice. What would you guys do?

I would get legal advice - some solicitors offer free half hours so you could make the rounds til you get all the info you need.

I would also call Childine - think they have a parents advice line and you could ask them for advise on how to ensure your DCs are protected from their father's addiction to porn.

Have you got a support network? ANy chance of asking family/friends to help out til you get things sorted?

Inform the childcare provider that under no circumstances is anyone aside from you allowed to collect your DS. Ask them to call you immediately if any such attempt is made. He cannot take DS under those circumstances. Get some legal advice, I agree with the poster who advised childline, you need guidance as to how you can further protect your boys while your DH hopefully recovers from his addiction.

Have spoken to child care provider. Unfortunately without a court order he can take our son out at any time he likes, but they need his updated address which they will provide me with so at least i will know where he is living and they will call me to let me know if he has taken our son, not that I can get him back unless he chooses to return him which he has so far. As finances are now really uncertain I have to work tomorrow so will have to take a chance on care tomorrow or not get paid, but will get some legal advice tues. what would you guys do?. I am so disappointed in him as a man. Clearly without admitting he has a problem the hope of recovery is slim, but does anyone know what the stats are?

Honestly?

I would leave the marriage - he already left ages ago and has no intention of committing himself to his marriage or family. His addiction will always comes first.

You really need to get some real life support so do start telling people you are close to x

Also, legal and professional advice, advice from charities like Childline, solicitors, etc. Ring round to begin with. I think if you use all these different avenues you will come to a clearer understanding of your options. Good luck.

I don't get it; is he known to actually watch porn whilst he is looking after the kids, or in his own time when the kids are not there/in bed/etc?

Because I have been concerned and struggling for a while, I know he has been using porn whilst he has been responsible for kids during the day and it made me not want to leave them with him. I know because before he had the broadband he got in the last month and the computer the portable DVD player was usually moved whilst i was out. why use that when we have two tvs? And the inside porn briefcase which I requested he keep locked was frequently left on the open combination, moved or the order of DVDs changed. As for the net, I have come back and he's been on the computer. I can't confirm what he was using, but I know the day I confronted him he was using the computer in the morning when we were all up with the door half open and after he left there were multiple visits to porn sites and at least two to casual dating sex sites eg adult matchmaker and reshot pie. It wouldn't have been hard for one of the boys to wander in, but his back is to the door so easy to see screen, but not his actions. Sorry if that's a bit much detail. I have also walked in on him in the living room midway. Pretty gross. Think I just have to get help. Better to have to work more be safe than put up with this.

Childline is good, but only open to UK residents. Will look into other services tomorrow and tues. thanks guys

Made leap of faith he wouldn't take child without agreement, but took day off at generally feeling crap and needed to rest. All ok, have heard nothing since asked for him not to use whilst looking after kids. Picked up boys early and came home to play with plastic swords and Lego. Nothing quite like the perfection of kids laughter. Hopefully find a counsellor soon.