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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

please help, hubbie just told me last night has slept with someone!

52 replies

siennasmum2012 · 23/06/2012 12:24

just after our 4th baby arrived on Jan 5th, husband got v. depressed (he is 26 at the mo, i'm 28), wondering how he was going to cope/handle 4 kids as we had both been finding we were shouting at our 3 boys (now aged 6, 3 and 22months) all the time! i think our daughter was about one week old and husband told me he was having trouble bonding with her, he got more and more depressed about it(as he has v. extreme emotions!), so said he needed to go out for a drive to think. he came back about 2 hours later but was still inconsolable, and said he could not talk to me about how he was feeling because he didn't want me to be disappointed in him as it was to do with the children, so he said he had to go back out again! i begged him to stay, saying i wouldn't judge but he didn't believe me and went out again anyway!
during this second outing a work colleague's girlfriend of his was texting him saying she was having problems with her boyfriend so they met up to chat, which is what he told me had happened when he got back! i knew, even though he swore blind that nothing had happened, that something had gone on, as he was gone for 3 hours!
so last night after he got back from fixing my sister's car he says, he can't keep it from me any longer as it wasn't fair, and that night he went out, whilst they had stopped to chat, they just kind of looked at each other, had sex, then he realised what he had done, dropped her off near her house, then came home.
what do i do??? of course i love him, he's my soulmate! do i forgive, considering the circumstances? or is this the unforgivable? any advice welcome! please help, my brain is just a mess!!!

OP posts:

skyebluesapphire · 23/06/2012 12:33

So sorry to hear this. You need to talk to him. Only you can decide if you can forgive him. Some people would some wouldn't. Hopefully some others who have been through your experience will be along with some good advice which may help.

I always said I wouldn't forgive but when you are actually in the situation it's a different story....

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/06/2012 12:42

Why on earth did he tell you? What a selfish, childish prat to unburden himself when it was totally unnecessary. Only you can decide what to do next, sorry.

SoleSource · 23/06/2012 12:50

Was it a massive surprise? Has he changed so much that you were not surprised? Do you feel he could cheat again? Do you love him now as he is or what you thought he was/want him to be? Do you feel you can change him because you are special?

Ask yourself lots of questions, tell someone you trust. Maybe try the Samaritans?

Is he still living there? Do you want him to move out?
I feel for you x

Sassybeast · 23/06/2012 12:52

I am so sorry

It's a horrific feeling, but you must give yourself time to get your head straight. You are in the driving seat and he needs to do whatever YOU need him to do now. Whatever happens long term , this will require a lot of talking and working on how to deal with it. For me, the betrayal was the very last straw in a long line of heartache. So there was no way back. There are plenty of marriages which HAVE survived infidelity and there are plenty of people here who will help you with that.
The key thing that I would say to ANY woman in this situation though, is do not allow him to lay ANY responsibility for his actions with you. It's a very common ploy of people who cheat. If he's genuinely remorseful for what he's done, he won't even begin to tell you how grumpy/tired/too busy with kids/refusing to have sex you were. He will take 100% responsibility for what he did that night and be the one to suggest ways in how to make it right, and how to stop it happening ever again.
Would it help to ask him to stay with his parents/friends overnight so that you can catch your breath ? Do you have a friend who can come and stay with you ?
Are the children okay ? One hour at a time OP - you WILL get through this.

bogeyface · 23/06/2012 12:54

I am sorry but his story doesnt ring true.

Why would his colleagues GF start texting him out of the blue when he just happened to be out of the house and in need of some attention? And he was so depressed that he couldnt talk to you but could talk to her? Then they just did it, just like that?

I am afraid that I think there is more to this than he is telling you, and perhaps he has only told you because someone (the OW , his colleague?) is threatening to tell you.

It could be that they only had sex this one time, but I dont believe that it came from nowhere. I would put a weeks wages on there having been inappropriate contact (sexting, empotional affair etc) before this happened. And then he went out for 2 hours, couldnt get hold of her, she got in touch when he was back home, so he went out again.

I could be wrong, and I hope I am, but it smells all wrong to me. I think you only have a bit of the story here. Could you check his phone or emails?

CloudC · 23/06/2012 13:09

Agree with bogey face. There are no circumstances I can think of where it's ok to go meet up with a colleagues girl friend because she texted saying she has relationship problems. Only you can decide what to do about it, but you definitely don't have the full story. Sorry this is happening to you. I hope you have supportive people around you.

Original poster

siennasmum2012 · 23/06/2012 13:09

oh and she is pregnant, just over half way, so he is probably the dad, as her boyfriend has not long found out he has testicular cancer (aged 25!). Husband has said if it is his, he doesn't want anything to do with them as we are his family and no-one else! what do i do here though as she will probably claim child support! i know this is still hypathetical, but the signs are bleak!!

OP posts:

Nagoo · 23/06/2012 13:15

what have you been doing since the day he went out and you know he'd seen her?

'oh and she's pregnant'... that there is kind of pertinent to the OP, it's not a throwaway aside.

You would support a man who had nothing to do with his child and tried to evade paying for it?

Original poster

siennasmum2012 · 23/06/2012 13:24

bogeyface and cloudc - i'm obviously having difficulties trusting anything he says, so was also unsure about that txting situation also, he also admitted last night that she txt him afterwards asking if there was any future? he told her no, and that it was a mistake!

OP posts:

CloudC · 23/06/2012 13:27

So your husband is stressed about how he'll cope with 4 kids, but he goes and has unprotected sex. And it's with his seriously ill friends gf? Seriously?

And you are really happy to support his choices, including to take no responsibility for his child?

Fairenuff · 23/06/2012 13:27

he doesn't want anything to do with them as we are his family and no-one else

Do you really love and want a man with such a selfish, irresponsible attitude. What a nasty piece of work he is.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 23/06/2012 13:28

He'd abandon this child for the more 'deserving' children?

That should tell you everything. An affair may be forgivable, that sort of attitude isn't. Don't let him teach your boys to think like that hun. Hugs for you, this must be sooo hard. :(

Xales · 23/06/2012 13:28

I would take what he is telling you with an absolutely massive pinch of salt.

He isn't telling you because he is being open, honest and fair to you. Nor because he is guilt ridden. He is telling you because she may be carrying his child, he is shitting bricks and trying to make his life easier by 'being fair' before she asked for a DNA test and you got what the fuck!!!!!

The going out twice, her amazingly having relationship problems and turning to him as a work colleague that very same day , meeting up and falling on each other, pretty far fetched.

If he got her pregnant that one time on the 5th Jan she would be almost 6 months gone not just over half way. Just over half way would be what Feb? Which suggests to me that it was plenty more than one time and he is having to tell you now as once she asks for DNA he isn't really going to be able to bullshit you then is he?

Can you really spend your life with a man who will deny his own child if it is? What sort of responsibility does that show him taking?

Take all the time you need. I think there is more to come out with this. Only you can make this decision. He has lost any say in if he stays with you. Make the decision that is right for you.

Also as they clearly had unprotected sex please get yourself to an STI clinic

/hugs

Original poster

siennasmum2012 · 23/06/2012 13:29

nagoo - i didn't mean to sound pertinent, as i feel so bad for OP also. all he has said was that if it was his, he just doesn't feel like it is, but there is no way i would let him get away without paying CS!

OP posts:

bogeyface · 23/06/2012 13:29

It seems to me you have 2 issues.

Do you want to make a go of your marriage?

Do you think that your marriage could survive if this baby did turn out to be his?

Testicular cancer does not prevent conception, if she was having regular sex with her BF then the chances are that the baby is his. You can only be sure after the birth through DNA testing.

For your marriage to have a chance, he must be 100% honest with you, which he isnt at the moment. Clearly he only told you about this "one off" (which the more you post, the more I doubt) because she is pg and the baby could be his. I rather suspect that if it wasnt for the pregnancy, you would be none the wiser.

Original poster

siennasmum2012 · 23/06/2012 13:37

bogeyface - have been wondering that also.
want to make a go of things. probably do need a bit of space at the mo also, but also feel like i need to ask him so many more questions, plus there are our children to consider! i'm soooo confused, and sad, and angry!!!!

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 23/06/2012 13:37

I would say that the cancer thing meaning it is not the boyfriend's baby is - pun intended - bollocks.

Cancer may cause infertility - but mainly after it has been treated, not before. And unless the boyfriend is extremely unlucky, you only get it in one testis, and he has another one.

Mind you, he IS extremely unlucky, he has an unfaithful girlfriend AND cancer.

Original poster

siennasmum2012 · 23/06/2012 13:40

balloonslayer - it's just me presuming the worst at the mo, as you do!

OP posts:

Original poster

siennasmum2012 · 23/06/2012 13:44

thank you so much to all so far, you are all helping me in processing the information i have had so far, any more advice is welcome, just as you think of it, anytime. this will take me some time to figure out i'm sure!

OP posts:

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 23/06/2012 13:45

If you do want to make a go of it, I'd be telling him his behaviour to women needs to be explained to your older sons as despicable.

Nagoo · 23/06/2012 13:47

I think you need to move him out of your bed and get some space. And find someone who will tell you the truth, because he won't.

You need to know what you are up against, before you can decide what is best for you.

bleedingheart · 23/06/2012 13:48

Get STI tested asap.
I would doubt that this happened out of the blue.
I'd be very annoyed that he says he can't cope with three kids but then has unprotected sex with another woman.
Do you have support with your childcare or do you manage 4 children on your own? If it was me I'd want to know everything before I could even think about moving on. If you have some support, there's no reason why you can't ask him to go and stay with family or a friend while you process this.
I do think it is possible to stay together after infidelity but this does look like he's only telling you because he knows she's pregnant.

Original poster

siennasmum2012 · 23/06/2012 13:48

lookingandlearningfornow - do you think i should tell the kids? was not sure as they are so young?

OP posts:

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 23/06/2012 13:51

Well if the baby is his don't they need to know? or is he not planning on having anything to do with the child?

If it's going to effect them (eg having a new sibling their father knows) then yes I think they need to know, if not, obviously not.

Original poster

siennasmum2012 · 23/06/2012 13:58

nagoo and bleedingheart - i think he needs to be out of the bed to, and hope i will get all the facts soon! as you say, there is no way of moving on until everything is out in the open!
yes, think sti check a must also! and have already shouted at him about the unprotected sex whilst having 4 children! unfortunately have the 4 on my own until husband gets back from work, usually! my mum is having 2 weeks off work, starting monday, so there is a chance there, to either be alone, discuss, or both!
i suppose i do want us to stay together, i'm just so angry and hurt, and wondering whether i can get over that, is the thing!

OP posts:

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