please help, hubbie just told me last night has slept with someone!

[siennasmum2012]

just after our 4th baby arrived on Jan 5th, husband got v. depressed (he is 26 at the mo, i'm 28), wondering how he was going to cope/handle 4 kids as we had both been finding we were shouting at our 3 boys (now aged 6, 3 and 22months) all the time! i think our daughter was about one week old and husband told me he was having trouble bonding with her, he got more and more depressed about it(as he has v. extreme emotions!), so said he needed to go out for a drive to think. he came back about 2 hours later but was still inconsolable, and said he could not talk to me about how he was feeling because he didn't want me to be disappointed in him as it was to do with the children, so he said he had to go back out again! i begged him to stay, saying i wouldn't judge but he didn't believe me and went out again anyway!
during this second outing a work colleague's girlfriend of his was texting him saying she was having problems with her boyfriend so they met up to chat, which is what he told me had happened when he got back! i knew, even though he swore blind that nothing had happened, that something had gone on, as he was gone for 3 hours!
so last night after he got back from fixing my sister's car he says, he can't keep it from me any longer as it wasn't fair, and that night he went out, whilst they had stopped to chat, they just kind of looked at each other, had sex, then he realised what he had done, dropped her off near her house, then came home.
what do i do??? of course i love him, he's my soulmate! do i forgive, considering the circumstances? or is this the unforgivable? any advice welcome! please help, my brain is just a mess!!!

I couldn't stay with a person who had given me so many blatant messages about what a shit excuse for a man, and a human being, he is

If this child is your H's this woman will be in your life forever. This child doesn't deserve to be dumped. It deserves a father in it's life. At it's birthdays, right up to maybe at it's wedding etc.

I hope it isn't your H's.

Only you can decide if you can live with this.

lurkingandlearningfornow - he says if the baby is his, he doesn't really want to see it, so far, but will obviously pay the CS. we just don't know for s.ure yet if it is his or not

Xales - you are so right, there are just so many things to think about! and i know it's up to me at the end of the day, i just hope i can get all the facts, and will be investigating all scenarios thrown up in this chat, maybe there will still be a marriage at the end of it?

Are you okay with the fact he would abandon his child like that? Mo that's the worst part.

Why would you want to be with a man who can casually cast aside his own child with no hesitation? He sounds really horrible.

lurking and fairenuff - still not 100% if that is how he really feels about this possible child, or whether he's just saying it because he thinks that's what i want to hear?

What a mess. I think you need a lot more information before you make any decisions.

What a complete mess.

You have 4 children with a man who can't deal with having 4 children, so he has an affair and conceives a 5th child with another woman.

This man has irresponsible scumbag written all over him.

The only reason you know anything about this affair (and he's lying through his teeth about it) is that the OW is pregnant.

I'm so sorry for your situation. Now you are stuck with 4 children and a useless excuse for a man.

Do you really want to stay in a relationship where there are extra children from his affairs to deal with?

athinginyourlife - i just don't know, especially if this baby does turn out to be his! how does life get so complicated? i just feel so sick!

You poor thing :(

He really has totally fucked everything up for you. There are no good options open to you.

What real life support have you got now?

You need people around you who can listen and help with the children.

Are you/did you bf the baby?

He only told you because you would find out. Has he explained how the baby is his if hr slept with her early Jan and she is over half way? Dates don't add up. Has she had her dating scan yet? What about her 20 week scan?

I also cannot believe that it was just 'once', and expected that someone would advise you to check his emails and his phone for evidence that this has been going on for some time and that there is so much more to it.

So, time for some investigation :( Sorry

I'm another one who finds his story very hard to believe. More holes than my fishnets.
I am also a child who was abandoned by her biological father at birth. Even though I did have a stepfather who took on the full role of Daddy, being abandoned by a parent is a very tough thing for a child to deal with. A man who will just dump his offspring, who is completely innocent, just because he couldn't control his dick, well, sorry but he's a shithead.

life gets "this complicated" when you are with a useless tool who leaves big messes behind him

Sorry but the whole thing is one awful mess and I agree he is not telling you the whole story and his attitude about the pregnancy stinks.

My advice is to ask him to give you space - you can't make any decisions until things have calmed down.

I very much doubt you will be able to move on from the whole thing

thanks again to all who hve posted, trying to soak it all in. only time will tell.

I think the most likely explanation for these events is that he was having an affair with his friend's partner long before her pregnancy. Something rather unpleasant has hit the fan in recent days and he decided he had to get to you first with the information, before someone else did.

Whether he is lying about shirking his parenting responsibilities if the child is his is immaterial. But it does show that he thinks you're the sort of woman who would want him to be a feckless father, so he doesn't have a very high opinion of your values.

You've had a terrible shock so most of all you need to share this pain with others, get some space from him and find out the truth from any means at your disposal because there is no doubt at all that he is lying to you.

I have been thinking about this, this afternoon. I told dh the story and his opinion is that she has either just found out she is pg and is in the first few weeks (although I think this is unlikely as why would he admit to the date), she got pg around then which is why he is admitting that instance.
Dh thinks she or her dp have threatened to tell you. Prob because she has had a scan and the dates don't match up. Perhaps they weren't having sex due to the cancer. He also thinks thinks its been going on longer and that any man (in any circumstances) that's says he is going to abandon a baby is a dick.
In short he hasn't told because he felt you should know. He is telling you because he has to. But it has been going on for a while.
I have to say I agree with alot of what dh has said. Its up to you how you want to play it. I would want to know how far she is (if it was Jan she will have had scans), exactly why the assumption is that it is his, why on earth she started texting him when he happened to be out whilst having a 'crisis' and why the fuck a work mates gf decided to text him about problems in her relationship. For me he would have to answer these questions. However I would need some space first and ask these when calmer. I would also be speaking to OW partner to see what story he has been given.
Good luck in whatever you decide.

IMHO I would leave anybody who cheated on me there is no excuse for this behaviour. I'm sorry a divorce and half of everything is the only was to deal with this in my eyes. Change the locks and leave his lying cheating clothes on the door in carrier bags.

xx

Oh u poor thing! What a massive shock. I haven't been thro anything like this, so I wouldn't like to advise, just to hold ur hand. What a massive shock! And all the excuse about not bonding with his dd. How men can do this to their children, and to u! When she was so young. What an arse. Hope ur ok and get more answers! Xxx

Well he didn't sleep with another woman, he had a quick shag.

Unless he had other meetings with her.

I don't think testicular cancer makes you sterile but the treatment does. So has her husband had treatment, even so I think that sperm is stored so maybe it is her husbands child but your DH is panicking, is that because she has told him it is hers or just that he has heard she is pregnant?

And why couldn't he 'keep it from you any longer' - that doesn't ring true at all. Of course he could have kept it from you and never ever let on and saved you all this.

Easy to say yummy but not so easy to do when it is actually happening to you.

Sounds to me like the most likely thing that's going on here is damage limitation.

I have screwed around, this woman is pregnant, the shit is going to hit the fan, what can I do to stand the best chance of saving myself.

I know, I'll tell my wife that it was a one night thing that happened while I was really really depressed.

If this woman wasn't pregnant - you wouldn't have heard a thing about this affair. Sorry, 'one night stand'. I bet my last rolo on that.

In this situation, the person tells you as little as they can possibly get away with and nothing that you cannot find out from other sources. So a baby? Well, with the CSA and everything, he can't keep that from you! So make it a one time thing, while he was boo hoo oh so unhappy.

If you could prove that he met her twice, he would then admit to that and say that he didn't tell you about the second time because he didn't want to hurt you.

If you could prove that he took her out, he'd admit to that and only that.

He's not come clean out of guilt or love or respect from you. He's told you the least he possibly can because you were about to find out everything from some other source.

Hecate - that is exactly what I think too

OP, hope you are ok?