Have I destroyed my marriage after 15 years together?

[Jive]

I have been with my husband since we were teenagers.

I am now 34 and we have 3 children.

Life has not been at all easy since the children came along. They are all quite a handful for varying reasons, and we get very little family support.

As a result, we have spent very little time together as a couple for several years now.

I think I have grown apart from him. He is a very quiet, unassuming man who has no passion or emotion for anything in life. He's also kind, pleasant, and very laid back.

We do not connect on a mental / emotional level. I'm not sure we ever really have, but this never bothered me when I was younger.

When I was younger, he had the 'X factor'. I'll never really know what it was that I loved about him, but I loved it wholey and completely for many years.

As I have grown older, his general lack of drive and apathy for life has gradually put me off him more and more. However , now I have met someone else who is the complete opposite of him.

I thought it was a typical 'man thing' to not really have opinions or feelings on anything, but now I have met a man who does it is like someone's suddenly opened the curtains to the dark room I have been in.

The OM has been a close friend of mine for a while, but it's only in the last 6 months or so that I have gradually fallen in love with him.

We've spent a fair bit of time together and stay in touch by text or e-mail all day every day. We are both horrified at the realisation of what is developing between us.

He is also married with 2 children, and there is nothing in this world that would tear him away from his family.

Physically, we have never gone beyond kissing. He would never sleep with me in a million years because he is terrified of how attached he is getting to me.

I know I have to let him go, but the loss of his friendship is utterly heartbreaking. Just a few days without seeing him, and I miss him so much. In another life, we would be very happy together and I know he feels the same way.

Any tiny spark of feeling I had left for dh has died completely since this relationship has developed. I just don't have the connection with him that I have with OM.

What can I do to get it back? I can't bear the thought of breaking up the family or of being on my own with the kids.

If I give myself time to grieve for my OM, will I be able to feel something for dh again?

personally i think you need to walk out the door and go and find yourself....leave the kids with the dh....

i am only saying this as how would you react or feel if this was your dh falling in love emotionally with someone else....it would not be fair...

think you need some space to develop yourself, find out who and what you are and what you want from life...because imo i dont think you will get it back

hugs xxx

It's particularly common to grow apart when you get together as teens because we change a lot in our twenties. Your husband has always been a particular type of person, you have never 'connected' as you put it, it didn't used to matter but his character no longer attracts you. The OM factor just shines a light on what's missing. As you say 'in another life' if you'd waited until your twenties to meet a potential life-partner you'd probably not have gone for your DH.

Unfortunately, I tend to think that it's largely futile and rather unkind to try to change someone once you're in a relationship just because you want different things. Being a nice bloke I'm sure your DH would give it a shot but it's unfair to ask someone to be something they are not.

I think you need to be honest with your husband about how you feel your marriage is going. I'd keep the om bit quiet but also stop contact with him.

It's a good thing that this has highlighted the gaps in your marriage, now it's time to start and work through them and you can't do this alone.

I think an honest sit down chat is needed. You need to tell him that for you the spark has gone and you worry about your future together. You need to tell him that you completely loved him but find at the moment that's not there. You need to find out why he has lost his drive in life. Maybe you used to dream about your future together but all the practical stuff has washed those dreams away.

You need to communicate if you stand any chance of making it work.

Thank you all

I'm just not ready to be on my own.

I have never been on my own.

It doesn't feel right to break up my family, when I won't even be happy at the end of it anyway.

But, in all honesty, if the OM said that he would leave his family, I would go.

I know what you're going through, but I think that the OM represents escape to you, and that is what is so appealing about him. I had a huge crush on a friend last year, but now that I have ended my marriage I see that this friend, although a lovely guy, was just the complete opposite of my STBXH, which is why he was so attractive at the time! You can see that not 'all men are like that' and you wonder if you could be happier with someone else.

The fact that he is unavailable is complicating things - even if he were single (my friend was) then you should be concentrating on whether or not you can salvage the marriage (this is not about 'breaking up your family' its about whether you are happy with him as YOUR life partner - he will still be the DCs' dad).

Find yourself, what you really want and need, before committing to anything permanent if it helps. But the main thing is to talk to your H. His reaction to your feelings will tell you all you need to know about whether its worth putting in the effort with him, or whether you should call time on this relationship and step out on your own.

I say this as someone who spent the best part of yesterday in tears trying to navigate the benefit system, but whatever happens financially, I know I will be happier without H in my life. Good luck with whatever you decide x

Can I ask - how can I tell if the OM relationship is just an escape? It feels like love, if I'm honest.

6 months ago I would never have said that I was looking for an 'escape'.

So has my relationship with him caused all this, or was I just in denial about our problems until he came along?

Mine felt like love too. Sick to the pit of my stomach every time my phone beeped in case it was him, counting the days til I met up with him. I even invited him over to babysit with me at a friends, with some fantasy outcome that I knew would never happen, but was a thrill nonetheless. I spent weeks daydreaming about how our life together would be. Even H noticed that I was withdrawn and troubled (think he suspected why, but didn't care enough to question me about it - prob thought it was his way out!).

I stopped spending time with OM as a friend so that I could concentrate on rebuilding my relationship with H without distractions, and even said to H once, when he asked why I was suddenly being more loving towards him, "I was thinking that actually I should have married someone more like X, but now I realise that you & I work together because we have different strengths and we compliment each other" (for which read "we are totally incompatible!)

Now when I see OM, I still feel a little rush, but I can't envisage kissing him or getting intimate with him, because he really isn't 'my type'! In fact my friend was trying to guess who he was as she doesn't know him, and had ruled him out as she knew he wasn't my type!

I don't have much useful advice but I really do feel for you. I've posted a bit about my very similar situation (except I don't have kids). Just as I decided to leave DH for OM - who was single - OM decided almost overnight he didn't want me any more. He got with someone else straight away (within days). That hurt - hurts - a lot, despite the obvious irony...

My feelings for DH came back, but they're having a dip today and I'm missing OM, even though he has actually been quite nasty to me. The 'what might have been' thing is very hard to cope with. Every time my feelings for DH dip I get terrified I should have left, and every time they come back I wonder why I even contemplated leaving him. It's left me in a mess. I'm sorry I can't be very useful but just wanted you to know I sympathise and you're not on your own.

Thank you for sharing your story. It really helps to get others' points of view.

I wish I had never persued this 'crush' because the result for me is that he feels exactly the same way and now we are tearing each other apart.

I guess at this point in time, I am going to have to cut contact with him completely if I am serious about trying to save my marriage.

Or, keep up the contact and hope that one day he will leave his wife?
(I can't believe I just wrote that, but I am just trying to be honest with myself about what I really feel).

The 'spark' for your dh went because you were focusing everything on your fantasy man. He is a fantasy. He hasn't followed through with anything and intends to stay with his family. If he left his family you would have wrecked 2 families and it is almost certain the both of you would split under the strain. You and your dh developed together so you had a hand in how he is now. So have a think about what direction you'd like both of you to go in now. Talk to him about your dreams. You might find that he's got some of his own!

I'd go for your first option. Believe me, getting in any deeper is only going to be more painful. It is not fun I damaged - possibly ruined (time will tell) - my marriage and got dumped by OM into the bargain, also losing a previously very close friend (him) in the process. I desperately miss the friendship. I miss how things used to be, and could have been if I'd not been so stupid. Seriously, no contact is the way to go, unattractive an option as it may be. I find I feel better when I have a couple of weeks of not seeing him (I can't avoid him unfortunately). Then I see him and my head goes all over the place again.

people change. life changes. you need to talk to your dh, and see if you have something worth saving.

someone else coming along can highlight what's missing in your own life.

I will desparately miss the friendship too. We were very close (that's how all this started). I would do anything to be able to go back to that and still have him in my life.

He has said that he can't cope with being friends. He says he is trying desparately to get me out of his head, and every time he sees me, he is back to square 1.

So there we both are at our respective homes, both trying to forget about each other and resisting the urge to text. How sad is that?

Or, keep up the contact and hope that one day he will leave his wife? How long are you going to do this for? 6 months? A year? 2 years? 5 years? All the time looking at your H (who is not leading on another woman behind his wife's back) and comparing him negatively (to a man who is happy to develop emotional feelings and kiss another woman behind his wife's back).

We've spent a fair bit of time together and stay in touch by text or e-mail all day every day. We are both horrified at the realisation of what is developing between us. He is wasting time that should be spent on his children and wife in an emotional affair with you. Not really the actions of a decent man. He is enjoying the thrill of new 'love'. What about his poor wife looking after the children, wondering why her H is being so cold and distant, what she has done wrong, why he no longer loves her, hugs her and what she can do to fix it? And so are you.

But, in all honesty, if the OM said that he would leave his family, I would go. I think you should do the decent thing and free your H. There is no way while you are investing emotionally in another man that you are going to invest back in your marriage.

How much would you know that if he left his wife and beautiful children for you that he wouldn't be happy to do it next time when your relationship was a little flat?

I think you need to stop all contact with OM and concentrate on whether you can save relationship with DH. If you and OM are meant to be then one or two years of not contacting each other won't change it. Set a time - I think at least a year - with no contact with OM and putting everything into saving your marriage - couples counselling, working on your relationship, making time for your DH, consciously noticing the good things about him again. Because if you and OM are NOT meant to be and you spend the next two years letting it affect your marriage you might always regret it. At least if you've tried everything with DH, remained faithful and stayed well away from OM because of your feelings for him, if your marriage ends, you will know that you were honourable and gave your best throughout. That kind of peace of mind is worth a lot IMO, (and genuinely an opinion, not a judgement).

You're in love with being in love. That giddy teenage thing. If you leave your husband and the other man walked from his family that giddy feeling wouldn't stay for long. You would just be two people in a new relationship finding faults and struggling with hurt and fallout of your own families. I am NOT judging and have huge sympathy, but think.

"If you and OM are meant to be then one or two years of not contacting each other won't change it."

You are not "meant to be".

There are 5 children and 2 blameless adults being hurt by this self-indulgent bollocks you're both carrying on with.

At least this man has the decency to be trying to do the right thing by the people who matter (hint: not you).

You are so immoral that you would actually be happy to tear two families to shreds and cause untold pain so you can have a shag with your bit on the side.

Grow up.

Really.

Your husband is just as good and lovable a man as he was 6 months ago.

You, on the other hand, have become childish, selfish, dishonest, and withdrawn.

Why not tell him what you've been up to and give him the option of asking you to leave the family home that means so little you'd break it up for a man who doesn't want you?

hi ya i can understand in a way what you are going through, im a mum to a one year old will be married 5 years this august and 10years with my hubby also. like you ive been with him since i was a kid, 15 to be exact. for years we have been extremly happy, hes opposite to me hes sporty im not, hes quiet and shy im loud and love being around people, going out to nightspots etc. hubby and i have tho had always been close, loved our nites out weekends away but there was always something bout him that i have loathed, he could be bossy put me down at times etc, be rude at time s but cuz i love him so much id ignore nasty comments or id argue with him etc, so usual ups and downs. well after we had our son, he was born with gastroschisis so hard times, didnt get him home till he was 2 months. i got on with being a mum, so excited my son was well and i admit took to motherhood like duck to water, no time to be depressed as i had to be strong wen my baby wasent well. hubby found it all hard, like most men kept wot he was feeling into himself didnt open up, was frightened to mind our son on his own for ages and snapped at me over silly things , well i took it all under my chin till wee man was bout 9 months, then i started to feel i was drifting apart from my hubby, that i didnt want to be with him, we had nothin in common except our son. we separated for 3 months, he slept in spare room went to his mates, i said it was over went out with friends, he begone to realise he was loosing me and had pushed me away. im ashamed to admit now that i met someone else, someone similar to me loud, fun popular with people, he seemed desiring, we swapped numbers, hooked up snogged and slept together, at first we were purely a void for each other, but i realised this guy only wanted me really for one thing, and id a husband who needed and loved me.
Good thing is, me and husband came clean to one another, i told him everything and he told me how he was feeling and problems i didnt realise he had such as an eating disorder which had come about through stress, he wud skip meals exercise loads, i thought he was going to gym to go away from me. so we just opened up, i told him the honest truth that i didnt like how he was and how we were together, we are seeing a councellor and things are brillaint now , even tho he knoows i had an affair.honesty can be so great. funny thing is i still see that guy about, he now tells me he cant seem to be or want anyone else now cuz he wants me, and i was the best bla bla bla, temptation is always gunna be there but iv told the guy, its me and my hubby all the way and im keeping our family secure and i love my son 2 much, think hes actually jealous of the family iv got and gunna and want to build on. so yes chick ull get over this and ur fella that u think bout constantly, mines still in my head but hes just fantasy, i wanna build on reality which is my wee family. be honest to ur husband say, even scream i dont like the way you can be towards me but i love etc etc bout u, we need to work on us, speak to someone etc cuz i dont wanna loose wot weve got. he will def take notice then!! o and my hubby son and i have started going to a great church, as i wanna grow closer to God, ive a long way to go being a christian, a good wife, perfect mother is hard but thing is we arnt perfect, lifes a test and me and you have been well tested but u stick to your guns, look at ur husband and kids, yas both put the effort in to your marriage ull score a 98% therll always be things to work on tho lol but i think ur family gunna battle thru

take care luv catherine xxx

OP trust me the grass is not greener, you will have a world of pain and lose everything, your marriage, your family, and your friendship with the OM (that is already gone forever now)

Walk away, heal and make your marriage work

AThingInYourLife I can completely see your point but I don't think putting it in quite such a judgmental way is going to help the OP. In an ideal world people would stay in love with the person they get together with and nobody would ever have to go through a breakup, but life is obviously not like that. People change. It's not a question of growing up in this particular situation, I don't think. You can't control how you feel sometimes - although you can control what you do about it. People make mistakes - I am quite ready to admit that I made the biggest mistake of my life getting involved with OM (the fact that I didn't sleep with him being my one tiny saving grace). What matters is what you do about it.

OP I echo what others have said about cutting contact with OM and giving it a chance with your husband. You owe it to him and to yourself. You won't know properly how you feel for a good while so take your time. My DH knows everything that happened and we are giving things another go. He wishes I'd talked to him about how I had feelings for someone else before doing something. I can't undo that but I can make sure I'm doing what I can to repair the damage. Good luck.

Imagine your husband undressing another woman. Picture his face as he has sex with another woman. Imagine the smell of her skin on his.

Then skip to the practicalities of what happens if you tear your family apart. Imagine yourself packing your bags and kissing your children goodbye as you leave your home. Imagine not being able to see them every day, and not being able to tuck them into bed at night. imagine dropping them off at home after your contact visits, with a step mother waiting on the doorstep for them.

You and your husband may separate one day. But you owe it to him and to your children to look at why your marriage is not a happy one, and work very hard at addressing those issues, be they emotional, practical or physical.

And you cannot do that while you are fixated by some fanciful notion of a great love affair.

Ok so I am going to be honest about my marriage brake up. I met my EXH when I was 18 and we were married by the time I was 23. I loved him, we had so much in common and always had fun. We never really argued but that was because like your husband he had no passion. He managed to work through 5 of the 10 years we were together and that was purely because he had to, he never ever cared about a career, had any ambition, nothing. When I was in my early 20's that didn't matter. He was as your husband is, a truly lovely, loyal man, honest and very funny but I slowly lost all respect for him and we never had DC because he would never have had the motivation.

So somehow I ended up, like you, texting a friend on a regular basis, within a month it was maybe 10 + texts a day. I realised that I was mad about him, he made my heart lurch everytime he text me. We met up as friends one night for a drink, nothing happened but drunk on the way home I text him saying 'I could end up with a crush on him' he told me he felt the same.

Long story cut not very short the next day he left his wife. I left my husband a few weeks later and that was over 18 months ago. We do love each other totally but I have to live everyday with the fact that he left his wife to be with me, he split his (admititly not very happy) family up. Every weekend when his DD comes to stay with us I have to look at her and think. I'm the reason your dad doesn't live with you. That is a soul distroying thing, the guilt wears at you and I am now in threapy to deal with it.

He still gives me butterflys whenever we kiss and I love him more now than I ever did then but it is an absoultly huge thing to brake up someones family. I didn't have DC but I KNOW that if I did I would have stayed with my EXH, we were never unhappy just never passionate.

In truth somedays I crave the stability that I gave up to be with a man that makes my heart beat faster. Now I worry about money (as being with a man with a DD isn't cheap) I worry he could do the same thing to me, I feel so guilty I hurt another woman in the most selfish way and I worry his DD will resent me in future.

Please please think about all of this before you go any further, this involves a lot of people.

So sorry that was so long!

FFS grow up and think about what you are doing.

And stop romanticising your sordid little affair.

If you have a scrap of decency then you would end your marriage, and stop planning to shack up with someone else's husband.

Eight out of ten couples who get married after getting together as the result of an affair get divorced. So the chances are it would not work out with this other man, even if he could be with you.

You need to forget about him, today. The longer you wait to end things the harder it'll be.

If your husband is essentially a nice man there is a basis for a relationship there, though it may not feel like it at the minute. You have DCs together. You owe it to yourself, him and them to try and make it work. Maybe get some counselling, individually or as a couple.

P.S. Good luck and be kind to yourself over the coming months.