Have I destroyed my marriage after 15 years together?

[Jive]

I have been with my husband since we were teenagers.

I am now 34 and we have 3 children.

Life has not been at all easy since the children came along. They are all quite a handful for varying reasons, and we get very little family support.

As a result, we have spent very little time together as a couple for several years now.

I think I have grown apart from him. He is a very quiet, unassuming man who has no passion or emotion for anything in life. He's also kind, pleasant, and very laid back.

We do not connect on a mental / emotional level. I'm not sure we ever really have, but this never bothered me when I was younger.

When I was younger, he had the 'X factor'. I'll never really know what it was that I loved about him, but I loved it wholey and completely for many years.

As I have grown older, his general lack of drive and apathy for life has gradually put me off him more and more. However , now I have met someone else who is the complete opposite of him.

I thought it was a typical 'man thing' to not really have opinions or feelings on anything, but now I have met a man who does it is like someone's suddenly opened the curtains to the dark room I have been in.

The OM has been a close friend of mine for a while, but it's only in the last 6 months or so that I have gradually fallen in love with him.

We've spent a fair bit of time together and stay in touch by text or e-mail all day every day. We are both horrified at the realisation of what is developing between us.

He is also married with 2 children, and there is nothing in this world that would tear him away from his family.

Physically, we have never gone beyond kissing. He would never sleep with me in a million years because he is terrified of how attached he is getting to me.

I know I have to let him go, but the loss of his friendship is utterly heartbreaking. Just a few days without seeing him, and I miss him so much. In another life, we would be very happy together and I know he feels the same way.

Any tiny spark of feeling I had left for dh has died completely since this relationship has developed. I just don't have the connection with him that I have with OM.

What can I do to get it back? I can't bear the thought of breaking up the family or of being on my own with the kids.

If I give myself time to grieve for my OM, will I be able to feel something for dh again?

Look OP, your fantasy with the OM is not unique. Look for the script thread, here in relationships.
What you both are doing is wrong. You are hurting 5 kids and two adults 'because we are in love'. Do you realise how selfish you sound. You are saying that you are only staying with your kids and dh because the OM doesn't want you. That's the bit you have to remember. He doesn't want you. But if he decoders to leave his dw then you will. So your kids and dh are your second choice? Really its horrible. Either you want to be with dh or not. What he is doing should be irrelevant. Staying with him because you don't want to be alone is selfish. You will be happy to give him only part of you and live a half life, because OM won't leave? Really.
Your dh deserves better than that. He deserves to know that his wife doesn't really want him, she wants someone she can't have. But she will settle for him. He deserves to know and move on and find somebody who wants him.
i know I sound harsh. But you need to wake up and stop thinking of yourself.

You can't change another person you can only change yourself.

Perhaps your DH picks up your negative feelings about him and this increases his apathy.

Plus you have 3 exhausting DCs. Can you work together to improve DCs behaviour. Can you both join a club, take up a sport or do something together which gets you out of your tired routine?

Can you find an interest of your own to brighten your life. Can you study to improve your work prospects?

Waiting for a mister wonderful to come along and wave a magic wand isn't the way to get real fulfillment in your life.

OP the man isn't 'the reason' he is a symptom.

'He' is a clue to what is wrong in your life. See if you can get into counselling and be totally honest with your hubby.

Go cold turkey on your addiction. Don't do this, don't go there. Whilst you are in your thrill zone, you have NO IDEA of the pain this will unleash. Please don't hurt other blameless people.

And thank you for letting me know how my husband felt when he was f ing another woman and completely cold and horrible to me. He doesn't like that OW now, but our marriage is in the toilet.

I had an emotional affair with a married man towards the end of a v long relationship that wasn't working. I felt so in love, but so distraught all the time. I went to Relate which really helped so much - I remember that the counsellor said to me that I needed to concentrate on my own relationship first and foremost, which in the end meant splitting up and being single.

The counsellor also said that the difficult thing about my emotional affair was that there were 4 people in it - both us and our partners - not just me and him, and that just wasn't the same as a relationship with two people in it. I think he was right - it wasn't quite real in a certain way.

I think that the same is true for you OP. I just don't think you can possibly know how you'd feel about the OM if you and he had got together as single people. You might not have gone for him at all.

Just go to Relate, whatever, but work out step by step whether your current relationship is still worth saving and the rest will fall into place.

I agree with everything Dprince has said. You are being completely selfish and unfortunately, I think that even if you were to sit down and talk to your DH your perceived feelings for OM will mean you will twist what your DH says (or doesn't say) in order for you to justify your behaviour. You are comparing the feeling of lust and new love with that of established love and companionship which is a completely unfair comparison. Your DH will never match the thrill of what you are feeling with OM.

Get yourself some counselling and start thinking about your children, your husband and the family of the OM. Is a man who is lying and cheating to his wife and children such a hot catch?! Don't forget he'll be trying to justify his behaviour so is probably telling you all sorts of bull - my wife doesn't understand me, etc., etc., etc..

If your marriage is over work through that sensibly without the complications of another man for the sake of your DCs. You will end up with a worse deal with access/finances etc if there's OM on the scene.
But bear in mind the stat that 80% of affair relationships don't survive. There's a reason for that. Its because when you are over the heady days of your early romance with DH you fall for the excitement of being chased/wanted etc. I've been there. Long story but the OM was/is horrid. Any man who thinks a married woman with young children is fair game is ultimately a scumbag. Especially if they have kids themselves.if you and he are 'meant' to be together its a non starter until you are both free. Please listen to all the voices of experience here. Been there,done that,got the T shirt. I look at my DCs and feel ashamed that I risked everything. Good luck

Thank you all. I have read through this thread lots of times now trying to make sense of the madness.

The criticism of course, is hard to take, but necessary for me to hear.

I think part of my problem is the lack of guilt I feel towards dh. I forgave him for having a one night stand many years ago, and whilst our lives have moved on and there's been no sign of any unfaithfulness since, I have never forgotten it.

That is how I justified my actions with the OM back at the early stages of flirting and e-mailing. In all these years, I have never forgotten what dh did and I suppose always had a niggly thought that one day I would get my revenge. Of course, this had now bitten me on the butt big time because I did not bank on falling in love with the OM.

I am really struggling with how much I am missing him today. Will this feeling ever go away?

Yes the feeling will go away. Probably when he realises you are not going to massage his ego anymore and moves on to someone else. They usually do.
Your dh having a one night stand is not justification. You would have been justified in ending the relationship and moving on. Do you not intend to teach your children that 2 wrongs don't make a right.
You haven't forgiven him have you? If you have been thinking about revenge. Going back to your op when you talk about being with the kids alone. Would that be fair? You cheat on your dh then take his kids? Why would it not be possible for him to have them? I don't get the assumption that all women automatically get the kids.

It's insightful of you that you link your behaviour towards your husband with his previous infidelity, but it would help you further if you accepted that staying with him despite it was a choice that you made. Punishing someone for something you claim to have forgiven and got past is a good example of passive-aggressive behaviour. It's okay to accept now that you were unable to forgive though, as long as you tell him that.

What you need more insight into though is how you can justify being party to bringing possibly even more hurt than a ONS, to another woman? If a ONS is still causing you pain and affecting your own life all these years on, why are you doing this to someone else?

Either leave your husband or cut all contact with OM and go to couples counselling. I'd be inclined to do the former given there has been infidelity on both sides.

So what has the other man's wife done to you that you want to hurt her so much and make her feel like you have towards your own husband all these years?

How come it is OK for the other man to fuck you if you decide to? That makes him better than your H how?

Oh yes because it is 'love' not just a one night stand. That makes you so much better than the woman who fucked your H and the other man so much better than your H if he fucks you.

do stop waffling about om and big love
you're both duplicitous shaggers
have the guts to fess up and face the consequences, or cease all contact all email etc.

You could easily be kidding yourself about your OM's feelings about you. It might not be the difficulty of abandoning his wife but the fact that he knows he doesn't really love you anywhere near enough to risk what he alread has.

Texting and fantasising are not the same as living with someone, with all the added stress of step children, maintenance payments, dealing with parents and your siblings.

You are blanking out the horrible bits and lving in an imagined future love-nest. Which as you are not single 20 somethings it will never be.

om not that into you,that's why he's staying put
but he's sugar coating it for you

Grow up. You sound like a teenager. Just remember when you mooning over the OM (who obviously isn't in love with you) that he is somebody elses' husband. If you really don't love you H, then by all means leave him but there are plenty of single men out there without poaching someone elses' and breaking up a family.

I'm stunned you could even contemplate the hurt and damage you would do to your children and his, to say nothing of his poor wife.

reading everybody elses threads has actually really helped me also, totally agree with mostly all the comments even the critical ones.one thing that has to be learnt here is, dont have an affair or even contemplate one, they muck with your head your thoughts and can hurt so many people, partners, kids, just aint worth it. im glad iv gotten over my sordid stupid fling, and il always be ashamed that i done it but so glad that my husband tells me he loves ,me everyday and is thankful that were so honest thank the lord for forgiveness. i really think if your at the point were ya think you and your hubby cant work things out, which i hope ya will, ya should end things but not run into the arms of another womans husband, rather be an independent single mum. wait ya see if you do go down that route of being single and head out and have the freedom to speak and socialise with other single men, this other guy who you claim to have fallen for will slowly fade from your mind. its the whole wanting what ya cant have and knowing its wrong, but thrilling and dangerous, thats whats appealing, its fantasy, i know cuz iv kinda been there, but its a sham. realistically you will be hurting your kids, his kids his wife etc, so not worth it. yas really should try couple counselling, try and make a go of things and if yav put the effort in and you still feel theres no hope for yas, end things amicably stay close friends for your kids sake and be on your own for a while, and not leaving your marriage for another womans husband,thatl give you such an awful reputation, people would soon hear etc and spread rotten gossip, plus your kids and his, they arent gunna be kids forever, yas really want them growing up knowing you and your fantasy guy were so hurtful and deceitful. no ya dont ya want them to grow up looking up to you, being proud as ya know so well ya wouldnt want your kids being in your situation as adults. dont start an awful cycle, break this silly fantasy affair and stick to what you know in your heart is right, either repair your marriage, or be a good strong single mother but dont do the wrong thing and keep this affair up. itl cause too much destruction. x

A bit shocked here. If it was the DH doing this, and the DW found out and posted on MN, then there would be howls of "leave the bastard". Well it isn't him being the bastard here.

Stop this unhealthy and unfair relationship now, or walk away. Either way, it will make people unhappy in the short term but probably improve over time. What you are doing is no different to a man having an affair - what would you feel like if it was your DH doing this?

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Thank you for your time.

Jade & Billy