Is he emotioanally unavailable or am I too needy?

[moremetimeneeded]

Have namechanged.Have changed some details,please pm me rather than outing me.
My xh was a kind but emotionally unavailable man. We have been divorced 8 years and are good friends these days ,he has our 3 dc regularly.
I had a short relationship with an EA man and had dd4. He has no contact and has never seen her.

I met dp when I was pg. We were friends for a good while,but became more than that when she was around 4 months old. She is now 2 and a half.
Dp gets on well with my dc ,and with xh. He has a close relationship with dd4 which we have been careful to discuss all the way along,due to her obviously starting to see him as her daddy.

We don't live together.He lives ten minutes away.
Things developed at the right pace for both of us until recently,ie slowly .Neither of us wanted to rush into anything. He is trying to arrange contact with his dc who have moved overseas with his xw. She does not want him to see them because he would not move back to her country to live. They are getting divorced.Obviously ,this is very painful for him and takes up time and energy.
I am scared of making any more mistakes that will hurt/isrupt my dc and have a huge responsibility to dd4 wrt dp and the future.

We have fallen into a routine of spending time together at weekends - usually Fri-Sat and usually at my house. We often do things with all the dc ,or just with dd4 when the others are with xh.

Recently,xh looked after dd4 so we could have a wekend on our own.This was lovely and we had some long talks about where we saw things going eventually. We both would like to see a long term future together ,although living together will probably be a problem for a good few years,due to finances and my dc and his contact issues with his dc.We have deep feelings for each other and really enjoy each others company and have shared this openly now.

However,since then,dp has become more distant and I have hardly seen him during the week days.He hasn't had time for chats on the phone. He comes over at the weekends,but wants to go earlier than usual,and arrives later.

We have talked about this. He reassures me that his feelings haven't changed,but says he wants to slow things down again as he is afraid of committment and getting hurt. He says he needs plenty of space and likes spending quiet time alone in his home after work in the evenings. He finds my house chaotic and loud - which of course it is !

I thought I was fine with this. I understand and respect his feelings. But I miss him in the week. He is only up the road. We both work full time and I would love to unwind and chat with him during the week. I want some intimacy-sex and cuddles. He is fine with Fri and Sat nights.He likes to come to my house and have family time and then keep his house as "his space". He doesn't understand my perspective -that I feel I am making changes for him,but that he can call all the shots regarding how he wants to spend his time ,even though I would like intimacy in the week.It is a circular conversation. I don't feel heard,although he listens.

He says it's early days and we will get there eventually. I have started to feel like this is not enough,although I love our time together,and so do the dc.

Am I expecting too much? I am learning to consider my own needs after some unhappy times. I had an abusive childhood and have worked hard on my self esteem,so I want to ask advice regarding whether I am being needy here,or not asking enough?

Has your house got any noisier than it was a few weeks ago when he was happy to spend the weekend there??
I think he is not being 100% honest with you. He may well like you a lot but not the whole package - this can only lead to disappointment further down the track
I'd have another serious chat and decide for yourself whether to end things

I think you are emotionally mismatched/the timing's not right.

I think I'd let him go, tbh. He's not meeting your needs and his needs are equally important, it's that the needs the tow of you have are not in sync.

It's not that you're expecting too much, it's that you want different things out of the relationship. You want a life partner and he wants to be a single man but with a bit of relaxation and bedroom fun at the weekends. If he hasn't got you earmarked as a life partner after two years (if I read that right) & finds your large family too much, then he probably isn't going to get there even with time.

Do you ever spend weekends at his house?

Well,we spend evenings there sometimes,usually if my dc are with xh and dd3 has a cot at his. But it is a bachelor pad and not very comfy ,even though I have stuff there. My house is easier as my dc are teens and are in and out.

These replies are echoing my gut feeling.

Yes, OP I think he is telling you with his actions that the "whole" package isn't for him.

It is my fear of how much more painful this will be further down the line ,if things don't change,that has prompted this.
And feeling lonely in the week.
And as if I am enhancing his life in the way he wants,but that he is not giving me what I need.

Although time together is lovely. So if I end this,I won't have even those times.
I guess the even says it all

I think you have to play it cool. Be less available and don't be in contact so much. Be 'busy' the next few weekends rather than always being around when he feels like it. If he's really having second thoughts and it fizzles out, you have retained your dignity. If he realises he risks losing you, he might suddenly find 'commitment' is not something he's scared of.

OP you sound like you know exactly what's happening. He's taking the good bits that he wants now. It's not enough is it for a genuine partnership.

This is the point where my gran would have said 'plenty more fish in the sea'. Fish that are happy to be part of a family.

I agree with what everyone else has said. Your dd4 could end up getting very hurt in the long run as well :(

I have told him that I want to slow things down - see other people,maintain a friendship and have fun. But he is adamant he does not want this.
He says he loves me and dd3,and loves being with my dc,and that over time,more will develop. He says he needs it to happen "organically" and that I am pushing him.

I don't want to end it. I love him very much and have been happier with him than with any other man.
But I am aware that I have never demanded much from any relationship.and have put up with crap in the past.I don't want to compromise myself.

I feel lonely. But then , I know that is partly a hangover from my childhood and npast relationships. I do not want to be seeking for all my needs to be met through this relationship.

I don't see how he can 'know' that he will want more or rather give more in the future. Sorry but after 2 years I would end it before your dd really does grow up seeing him as her father figure

The choices in this situation are roughly a) be more demanding, put on some pressure and accept that he may turn you down... or ... b) back off, reduce the contact, be less available, use him the way he's using you, and build your own life keeping a weather eye out for a replacement.

Cogito - that is my current plan. I told him yesterday that we should do our own thing this weekend,and have made plans for next weekend as well.
He was shocked when I told him,and got upset. But didn't suggest a discussion ,and hasn't been in touch since.

He picks up dd4 from nursery 3 nights a week and drops her with dd3 at my house.He sometimes waits to see me as these are my late days,but lately,he has not been waiting.

And he is much less tolerant of the chaos now than he used to be. Although he has recently suggested that we plan some projects to do,sorting out stuff on my house,together. He does sort and fix stuff for me.
We have a 2 week holiday booked in August with all the dc.He keeps saying he is looking forward to it. He said last week that he sees us living all together "one day".

I don't doubt he means it. It's just that - right now- I need more. He says he doesn't have it right now,but that it will come.

That is why I am hesitant to end it and feel that maybe I am being unreasonable to push things,and should wait.

But yes,it has been 2 years.We are both mid 40's. DD4 has bonded with him.
What if nothing changes. I would regret it in ten years.
The sex drive threads have prompted this post.

Cross posted with Cogito. But agree with that,too.

He's a 40 odd year old man OP. He has things exactly how he wants them. You listen to that voice inside you.

Sorry, it sounds to me like he wants to be the one calling the shots and is stringing you along a bit.

He's happy to dictate the pace at which you can move on in your relationship, but when you accept that and then add on the potential to see other people or have more time without him, he gets upset.

Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it. My STBXH is like this. He's now taking his cake elsewhere and leaving me free to enjoy my life without having to wait for the crumbs of affection he can spare me. Its not an easy decision, but the longer you leave it the harder it gets.

I also think backing off is a good idea. And I would wean him off picking up dd4 from nursery as it doesn't sound like he will be a permanent fixture.
You could do worse than have some time by yourself.

If he really did love you then he would want to make you happy and be prepared to give you more, now. Sorry to say this OP, I've been in a similar situation recently, although no DC's involved, and I have had to end it.

Reducing contact could actually be dancing to his fiddle, now you are saying he is free to see other people and to still see you with less involvement than he has now. This isn't getting what you want. I would end it and see if he comes running, then tell him it's not back on until he makes more of a commitment to you and your family.

It's a win win situation because if he doesn't then you have saved yourself ( and your DD) more heartache in the future and the time alone will mean you are starting to heal.

It's a hard decision because you have to give up the great times but ultimately will you be really happy just carrying on as things are?

Difficult and painful.
I have no experience of breaking up without a crisis of some sort.

I know I am afraid to let go of the comfort zone at weekends.

I agree that time by myself would be a good idea .

So

Crosspost.

Tressy,you are right. Wise words.

Would I explain any of this to him? Or just sit him down and say I have decided to end it as my needs are not being met?

I have explained this all to him before. He always gets upset and refers to his sense of failure in his marriage,and how he is afraid of losing me. He makes suggestions about changes and has seen them through.But the sticking point for me is that I want cuddles in the week,and the opportunity to discuss my day and have grown up chats and laugh/relax together. And sex.And maybe go out occassionally. I have built in baby sitting with dd3,so making time is not a problem for me.

He says "I will make more of an effort to make more time for you"

Which pisses me off. If he has to make an effort,for me,then it is clearly not something he wants. So why would I want his time,on those terms....he says he can't get it right,then.
Then it's back to how this has all been a big change for him,and how much he loves me and wants a future with us ...eventually....

I am a busy,energetic person,who has survived s lot of crap. My family is big,noisy and happy and I have a demanding ,full time job.
I do like to live life to the full.

He has said more than once that I am exhausting and that he likes a quiet,simple life - affectionately said,he says I have brought fun and positive energy to his life and he would hate to lose that.

And I wonder if maybe I am looking for too much of an ideal. Some poeple would be content with what we have.

I guess the problem is that I am not content. But without this,I would have zero affection etc. (grown up,I mean)
I am not about to look for anyone else. My life is too busy and complicated.I can't forsee finding the energy or inclination to get to know someone else.

I would tell him what you want, but be prepared to compromise a little. I know how hard it is to admit you want more from someone. I have a real problem with this too. It's along time since I liked (loved even) a man enough to want more. You need to give him chance to step up. I would also make sure you are prepared to end it if he doesn't and that you are not just having a wobble :).

My recent breakup chat had him telling me what I wanted I was that scared to admit it, anyway he wouldn't give so I left. In fact I carried on and ignored the voices until it hit a crisis.

Good luck and I hope it works out well for you.

It sounds as though he is attracted to your energy and enthusiasm and love of life, and was hoping it would somehow rub off on him and improve his life. But if his personality is not like that, in the end he will push you away and/or punish you for being like that. He's now trying to 'calm' the situation down, seeing you only when it's quiet, having lots of time to himself. Your personalities seem as though they are just too different.