Is he emotioanally unavailable or am I too needy?

[moremetimeneeded]

Have namechanged.Have changed some details,please pm me rather than outing me.
My xh was a kind but emotionally unavailable man. We have been divorced 8 years and are good friends these days ,he has our 3 dc regularly.
I had a short relationship with an EA man and had dd4. He has no contact and has never seen her.

I met dp when I was pg. We were friends for a good while,but became more than that when she was around 4 months old. She is now 2 and a half.
Dp gets on well with my dc ,and with xh. He has a close relationship with dd4 which we have been careful to discuss all the way along,due to her obviously starting to see him as her daddy.

We don't live together.He lives ten minutes away.
Things developed at the right pace for both of us until recently,ie slowly .Neither of us wanted to rush into anything. He is trying to arrange contact with his dc who have moved overseas with his xw. She does not want him to see them because he would not move back to her country to live. They are getting divorced.Obviously ,this is very painful for him and takes up time and energy.
I am scared of making any more mistakes that will hurt/isrupt my dc and have a huge responsibility to dd4 wrt dp and the future.

We have fallen into a routine of spending time together at weekends - usually Fri-Sat and usually at my house. We often do things with all the dc ,or just with dd4 when the others are with xh.

Recently,xh looked after dd4 so we could have a wekend on our own.This was lovely and we had some long talks about where we saw things going eventually. We both would like to see a long term future together ,although living together will probably be a problem for a good few years,due to finances and my dc and his contact issues with his dc.We have deep feelings for each other and really enjoy each others company and have shared this openly now.

However,since then,dp has become more distant and I have hardly seen him during the week days.He hasn't had time for chats on the phone. He comes over at the weekends,but wants to go earlier than usual,and arrives later.

We have talked about this. He reassures me that his feelings haven't changed,but says he wants to slow things down again as he is afraid of committment and getting hurt. He says he needs plenty of space and likes spending quiet time alone in his home after work in the evenings. He finds my house chaotic and loud - which of course it is !

I thought I was fine with this. I understand and respect his feelings. But I miss him in the week. He is only up the road. We both work full time and I would love to unwind and chat with him during the week. I want some intimacy-sex and cuddles. He is fine with Fri and Sat nights.He likes to come to my house and have family time and then keep his house as "his space". He doesn't understand my perspective -that I feel I am making changes for him,but that he can call all the shots regarding how he wants to spend his time ,even though I would like intimacy in the week.It is a circular conversation. I don't feel heard,although he listens.

He says it's early days and we will get there eventually. I have started to feel like this is not enough,although I love our time together,and so do the dc.

Am I expecting too much? I am learning to consider my own needs after some unhappy times. I had an abusive childhood and have worked hard on my self esteem,so I want to ask advice regarding whether I am being needy here,or not asking enough?

I am all for telling people to slow down, but this doesn't seem the right moment in your relationship to be taking things slowly, after two years. I think this is a make-or-break time, and my feeling is that he's happy with how things are, with his life very separate from yours, but won't be heading into a family situation with you any time soon, despite what he says. I also think if two years in, he's not that fussed about seeing you in the week, he's not that fussed. Sorry.

Of course, some people might be happy with a weekend only arrangement, I only see my husband on weekends (!) but that's because of work and not our choice (well, our choice to prioritise work IYSWIM).

But it's not about the length of time, its that you feel him pulling away, not just about the weekends, but going early, keeping himself distant.

I think he doesn't want to lose you, but perhaps doesn't want to go forward. Only you can decide if that's enough for you.

Although in fairness, he is pretty good picking you dc4 three times a week for you, given you don't live as a family.

Well,that is what he says,Mumsy. That he is showing committment through his relationship with dd4 and the other dc.
I work away,and his job is local. He picks up odd bits of shopping and doesn't mind the dc ringing him if they forget keys,or need collecting from somewhere and I am not around.

He would say that the stumbling block for him is guilt and sadness at not being able to play a part in his own dc lives. He is in the middle of a divorce and says he can't think beyond the unknown outcome re his house and finances,but that when this is sorted,we will think about what next.

He says he can't commit while all that is up in the air. But while I accept that,I do think he uses it as a smoke screen to avoid intimacy,because it does seem to suit him. He is happy in his house alone and not responsible for anyone all week,then gets the benefit of us being really happy to see him at weekends.

He is lovely with all the dc. I then ,selfishly,think "what about me?"...I want him to be wanting me to himself sometimes,and the time that I can arrange this best ,is in the evenings on a week night...when he is looking after himself....

And so it goes round and round. He can't see what my issue is,as we both enjoy weekends.

OP if the relationship doesn't work for you then it doesn't. It sounds like what you will do is compromise for a bit, start feeling resentful and "whoosh" it all goes again. In the meantime you will have a nag nag nag forever in your head telling you it just ain't right. What a drain.

You emotional needs are just as important as practical needs and without them being met things whither and die.

I call it the "square peg" and "round hold" syndrome, you try from all angles but at the end of the day the darn thing still WONT fit

Oh dear. Yes,that does sound like the last couple of months.
I have to face the reality of losing the good bits.

I have asked him to make time to listen to me this evening,or tomorrow evening. At his house.

Good luck OP but don't let him say it's all about HIM and his situation as that will resolve whether he's with you during the week or not. It doesn't make sense to me to be honest. He's been with you for 2 years and just doesn't want the full on thing anymore. He wants weekends and to be left in peace during the week. Ummmmm, sod that OP

I would say you need to think really really carefully about all of this. It sounds like you have had your fair share of relationship rubbish thrown your way in the past and you really do deserve to find someone who will truely cherish and adore you. And of course you've already mentioned the consequences for the children.

I am coming from a perspective where over 15 yrs ago and in my teens I met the man who is now my DH. Our relationship was so similar to how yours is now We had so many 'discussions' about me apparently being too needy and him needing his own space. 15 yrs and 2 DC's down the line, things haven't changed. He's here, but often not 'here' if that makes sense. And finally after years of making an effort, being tollerant and understanding, I am now sat here thinking, I just want to be with someone where I feel loved, adored and cherished and that I am important. I know I am all that to DH but he simply can't show it in the way I need. And after years of low self esteem I have come to realise that 1, my needs are actually normal and DH has issues and 2, things will never change.

I would so dearly love to have listened to everyone who warned me against persuing our relationship instead of being so single mindedly determined to fight for the man I loved.

I felt sad reading that Needing. It's so corrosive isn't it.

Looking back I've spent most of my years trying not to be "needy" but in reality it was me choosing emotionally detached men.

It was them not me.

OP, this one will drag you down and down and down.....

There's a lot of us around Needing. Its only reading threads on here that have given me the courage to end my 13 year marriage, because I realised that I deserve more (and I also found out that some of the things he says and does are classified as emotional abuse).

No-one deserves to spend their days feeling disappointed, unloved and disregarded. Low self-esteem, often brought about by the very people we are trying so hard to please, makes us believe that we aren't worth anything more.

I've come to realise that this is the only life you get, if you died next year would you be glad that your last days on earth were spent with this person or would you wish that you'd had a year to really enjoy yourself, do the things that make YOU and your DCs happy?

I had a health scare recently and I knew in my heart that H would not have been the supportive loving stable person I would need to help me through a serious illness. It would all be a bit too much trouble. That was a big factor in my decision to be honest. My lovely dad drove for 1.5 hours everyday to visit my mum in hospital for several weeks, then came home and looked after us, cared for her, helped her with physio & rehabilitation, then worked at night to keep the money coming in while she recovered. That's the sort of man we all deserve, bless him.

When the chips are down, if he can't be there for you 100%, call it a day.

I sympathise. I have been in a similar situation, gave an ultimatium, he ended things. I wasnt ready for things to end and it hurt ALOT at the time. However, long run as someone above says it saved me time and pain because he obviously just wasnt that in to me.

HOWEVER....looking back this is what I would have done.

Oops hit the wrong button.

I would have:

Worked out what I actually wanted. What level of commitment do you want.
Told him what I wanted from the relationship
Then done nothing - starting getting on with my life, making plans without him, not being so "available"
His response will tell you what you need to know.

Having the same conversation over and over and putting pressure on him will push him away. Showing him your prepared to get on with life without him might get the reaction you want, and if it doesnt then you have your answer.

Good luck :)

Well,I sent him a text earlier saying I wanted to come over tonight for a chat,to which he replied could we do it tomorrow night as he was planning to clean up his house.

I got cross,and texted that what I had wanted to discuss was making a clean break and that I was sorry to do so over a text,but that since he was busy,I was ending it and goodbye.

He rang straight away asking what on earth was going on. I repeated calmly and said my needs were different and that I respected that he couldn't offer what I needed and therefore had decided to end it. He was upset and kept asking why. I kept repeating and hung up.

He texted later,having just collected dd4 from nursery ,and said he had ok'd with dd3 to put her to bed so please could I come straight to his house after work.

When I got there,he was upset and told me he truly doesn't want to lose what we have ,that he wants to make changes and not to fuck up the best thing in his life.I repeated it all again very calmly.

We talked loads.He did explain lots of things from his perspective - how it triggers memories and fears for him,the more he cares about dd4 and the others,how he feels in limbo with his divorce...etc etc. I stuck to my point about needing more and kept saying I am lonely during the week and want intimacy.

He was really upset and said he knows he has to make changes and wants to. He said he was cleaning up the house to invite me over for supper tomorrow.He wants to talk more and suggested we have date nights twice a week on work evenings.He wants me to tell him what will help.

I do believe he wants this to work.I don't think he is deliberately setting out to hurt me and I think I got my point heard.
I know I meant what I said and that I am prepared to end it now. I have cut back a little bit of my feelings,if that makes sense? I will stay held back and keep a careful eye on actions now,with my fingers crossed.

well done OP. Just stick to your guns and don't deviate from what YOU want. If it slips then he's gone. RIGHT!

Remember you wanted a close 50/50 relationship here, you weren't asking for anything other than what SHOULD be so.

Thank you,MissF. This is a big change for me,being so assertive about what I need - actually,even being aware that this is what I need....I won't deviate now. I am sure he will be different next week,I need to see long term change.

I have decided the weekend routine is no longer on offer and that my time must be negotiated for on a weekly basis,in advance.I said I would rather have cuddly ,private nights in the week than family time every weekend. I am taking the younger dc swimming tomorrow and to see friends next Sat...

I hope it works out for you OP. You have asked and now he needs to step up. He does sound genuine and maybe needed a kick up the backside :)

well done. he does sound genuine. Going through a divorce myself I can understand how he feels in limbo and wants everything sorted before he can move on. I have a friend going through a similar thing to you, sees her bloke on weekends and one night in the week. he is great with her kids and wants more but she wants to get her divorce sorted out so that her mind is clear of thinking about that and then she can concentrate on the new relationship.

i really hope things work out for you. it sounds like he genuinely does just need some space to sort out the divorce etc. if he doesnt step up then, well then you need to decide where you go from there...

Just read the whole thread. Well done OP!

I agree with other posters, he does sound genuine and I don't think he's necessarily wrong for being cautious and feeling a bit bruised and frightened in the midst of a divorce. But it's not compatible with what you need right now and that is equally valid.

It sounds like you've put a bit of a rocket up his bum, which will probably do him good.

Best of luck and I hope it all works out!