Just discovered DP has been cheating- what now?

[SnaggleFlap]

Will give background to our current relationship situation first. DP and I have always had a great relationship ( or so I thought), and we have 2 DCs aged 16 months and 6 weeks. Things have been quite stressful over the last 7 months or so, we have moved house, then moved out of house whilst it's being renovated and are currently living with his parents. Work for DP has been fine but busy, we've had our second baby, but she was hospitalised for a week a month ago due to nasty virus (is ok now), then I was hospitalised for a week with an unrelated condition, I'm ok now but will need outpatient treatment. All in all, a very stressful time, but I thought we'd coped well and we've always talked and despite the odd bit of bickering have never really argued. We're due to move into our new house this weekend.

So I'm at home with the kids, and yesterday was checking my emails on the pc. His work emails also sync to our pc, and up popped one containing a conversation between him and his PA, along the lines of him saying "I'm really glad you didn't leave, I'd have really missed you if you know what I mean?!" etc etc with definite flirting from both sides. I felt a bit sick when I read this, and subsequently searched his other work emails, and discovered one 15 May which is from 5 DAYS after DD was born when he was here at home on paternity leave, with both of them arranging to go out for dinner together, and discussing where they could go where they wouldn't be caught. :-(
I then called DP and confronted him, going nuts and crying, and admitted that they had kissed 3 months ago on a work night out, but nothing else had happened apart from a few flirty emails. He says they have never been alone together, slept together, or gone out for dinner. DP came home from work to sort things out, and appears to be devastated that he's fucked up, crying hysterically and saying that he loves me and it was just an escape from all the pressures of the last few months and that she means nothing. He told his parents straight away, crying whilst doing so, and they too are gutted.( I said he had to tell them as I couldn't live a lie whilst in their house). I'm inclined to believe him when he says she means nothing, and he doesn't have previous form, this is very out of character.

I am just devastated that he cheated when I was pregnant, and that he was arranging a meeting with her so soon after I had given birth. I thought he had seemed a little distant lately but never suspected this. I am so angry that he has ruined everything, and I'm not sure how we can move on from this. How can I wave him off to work everyday knowing he'll be working so closely with her? I hate him for tainting was should be such a happy time with our son and newborn baby girl, and moving jnto our lovely new house. I think I am still shocked and feel sick and can't eat and can't stop crying. He wants us to talk again when the kids are in bed tonight, but I don't know what to say, and how we can move on as the trust is gone. I love him and he says he loves me and will do anything to keep me. I've never seen him so upset. My confidence has now taken a massive blow and I feel numb. I just feel so vulnerable too having just given birth, and knackered from looking after 2 tiny children. I'm almost too tired to think straight and gain perspective.
He might be upset and sorry, but I worry that the email sent yesterday morning was still über-flirty, and if I hadn't have caught him, these emails and possible meet ups would have carried on. I have put this to him and he says he's glad he was caught as it's made him realise how much he loves me and how much he's got to lose.

I guess I'm asking what would you all do? I can't see the woods for the trees at the moment and can barely function. Is there hope? I'm just not sure I can ever trust him again or forget what happened. I feel so miserable.

"It seems most of the responses so far are, leave him."

No, he's left. He left the relationship by messing about with someone else. The OP may decide to take him back, or not. I think what most people (I have anyway) have done is point out that he is a liar. He has lied to her, massively and chances are, he is still lying. He didn't own up, he was found out. What would have happened if OP hadn't found out? And sorry but it's not a solid relationship if one person is having a relationsip with someone else. The bottom line is that he's been an utter, utter shit to the OP and shown no respect for her, their relationship or their children.

'Fact: you know DH kissed another woman. He has apologised.'

Not necessarily a fact though, is it?

I'm soo sorry to hear what you are going through Snaggleflap. The same thing happened to me 3.5 years ago, only it was with my first baby and there was definitely sex involved. I think people are right to advise you to be wary of his initial claims about the extent of the relationship.

I understand how utterly devastated and betrayed you feel and I truly am soo sorry that you are going through this at a time when you need more support than ever and should be enjoying time as a family.

I'm not sure my situation is a common outcome and whatever you decide is YOUR choice, however we have managed to move on with our relationship and are still very much together and for the most part, happy in our marriage.

This is after a 6 month separation after the affair, good family support, and relationship counselling to help us find our way back to each other, regain trust and move forwards as a family.

Advice I would like to share to help you through this very difficult time is:

1. Share how you feel with your family and friends and take all the support you can get at this time.

1. Make sure you eat, even if you have no appetite. You need your strength at this time both physically and emotionally.

1. Read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, it is hugely insightful, particularly about affairs in the work place.

1. DO NOT engage in any further communication with the OW. I made this mistake and regret it to this day.

1. Please please encourage your DH to move jobs. If they remain in contact at work you will find it very difficult to make any progress either way.

1. Seek counselling either for yourself or as a couple.

1. Speak to your GP if you feel you are not coping.

Sorry for long post. There is obviously loads more I could share but every situation is different. I hope you are okay. Please keep posting here as I found it very helpful at the time.

I wouldn't trust any bloke who cries hysterically when busted. It's a diversion tactic used by serial cheats who always then profess undying love and it meant nothing and how could I do this to my lovely family.

It usually works too as women are too forgiving in general and believe all the bullshit that men spout when they have been caught with their pants down.

You have a 16 month old baby and a 6 week old baby and he is arranging dinner dates whilst on paternity leave....that is really fcking low even by a cheats standards. Is this really the type of man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, OP, but honestly, from an objective perspective - he is an absolute CUNT. Your babies are so young. He has NO EXCUSE. What sort of man does this? Not a good man. Not by a long shot.

I wish you lots of strength to get through this

MadAbout no, I'm most certainly not suggesting it gets swept under the carpet and as I said, it would take time and effort and wouldn't happen over night. What I am saying is that everyone so far was pretty much saying, he's a cheater, leave him, which isn't necessarily the best advice for the OP and makes us all sound like bitter man haters

she needs to think about if she could forgive. It is entirely something that she needs to decide - whether it could be salvageable and whether their relationship could be built again - without everyone jumping on the band wagon telling her to leave him and that he must have been sleeping with the OW. That is not automatically what all men do because they had a snog. This is real life and sometimes it's messy and sometimes it's shit. We wish it could be perfect but it's not. Just don't throw away what has, til now and possibly could be again, a good marriage, because of one mistake.

OP - Take your time, you don't need to make any decisions fast xxx

eleda - Not everyone has said leave him - many of us have said she needs SPACE though which is a different thing.

However, HE has CHOSEN to break his vows and to check out of the marriage.

Most of us speak with the voice of experience and we know too well the affair script - his actions suggest that this is more than a kiss.

It is OP's husband who has just thrown away everything just for a kiss...

Of course its up to Op to decide but she needs all the facts before she can make an informed decision as well as process her own feelings.

Op - hope you are feeling ok this morning?

He simply cannot continue to work with her (and manage her, FFS) after this, if you are to stay together.

I say that a) as a woman who was cheated on by longstanding H last year and b) as someone with HR expertise.

Exactly, all the facts. Not all the hysteria.

OP - you ask if there is hope. From lovemylittleone you can see that there is hope.

But, it needs to be something you are comfortable with. And will take a lot of work from both of you. He has to earn back your trust but if it is truly to move forwards you need to be able to work at forgiving him too. That's a really massive step right now, and not one you can probably answer at the moment.

Do you honestly think there could be more to this than he's telling you? If you do, that could eat away at you. You know him. After so many years together, you do know him. This hasn't removed that history. Granted, you didn't believe he would ever do anything like this to you but think honestly with yourself if you believe him now. Cos if you dont, you won't be able to move forwards together. If you do, he needs to understand that you will work on forgiving him and it is not something that he can expect to happen instantly.

The forgetting? Well does that ever happen? See if you can get to the forgiving first.

And definitely 4 and 5 of what love my little one said!

Hope you got some sleep OP. look after yourself and talk to him when you are ready, not before.

You poor thing. Last week I felt like I was the only one in the world going through this. Thank god I discovered MN .I started a thread - is there life after adultery?-
I haven't told My mum yet ( or anyone in RL) either for the same reasons as you. If we ended up staying together hw stupid would I look? And everyone would hate him, hes ruined the whole future for himself, our kids and families and friends, whether we stay together or not.
I can't believe your H could do that to you and mother of his kids, and just when he should be the strong supportive one, it's crazy and selfish but unfortunately as I'm discovering, more common than I ever realised.
I will be here to talk to anytime, please look after yourself and take comfort in your beautiful children who will always be there for you.

I wouldn't trust any bloke who cries hysterically when busted. It's a diversion tactic used by serial cheats who always then profess undying love and it meant nothing and how could I do this to my lovely family.

Maleview has it.

Sorry OP. You can work through this and some people do, but he has shown who he is, so don't be under any illusions if you stay. He may not do it again - but he isn't the genuine, kind, loving man you thought he was.

Take as much time as you like to decide what you want. And remember you can always change your mind. Put your health first - it will be the best for the kids in the long run.

If I am correct, one of the e-mails was about them trying to arrange dinner in a place where they would not be caught.

This signifies that there was more than a kiss. They knew they had something to be guilty about by THAT stage, otherwise no need for secrecy.

OP he's still lying to you, sorry.

Eleda, I want to repeat this comment to you:

'It is OP's husband who has just thrown away everything just for a kiss...'

(Or more than a kiss)

And please do not call posts here 'hysteria', or denigrate the OP's own feelings in this way.

I actually think Eleda has made some good points.

Some circles can't be squared:

'After so many years together, you do know him. This hasn't removed that history. Granted, you didn't believe he would ever do anything like this to you..'