Just discovered DP has been cheating- what now?

[SnaggleFlap]

Will give background to our current relationship situation first. DP and I have always had a great relationship ( or so I thought), and we have 2 DCs aged 16 months and 6 weeks. Things have been quite stressful over the last 7 months or so, we have moved house, then moved out of house whilst it's being renovated and are currently living with his parents. Work for DP has been fine but busy, we've had our second baby, but she was hospitalised for a week a month ago due to nasty virus (is ok now), then I was hospitalised for a week with an unrelated condition, I'm ok now but will need outpatient treatment. All in all, a very stressful time, but I thought we'd coped well and we've always talked and despite the odd bit of bickering have never really argued. We're due to move into our new house this weekend.

So I'm at home with the kids, and yesterday was checking my emails on the pc. His work emails also sync to our pc, and up popped one containing a conversation between him and his PA, along the lines of him saying "I'm really glad you didn't leave, I'd have really missed you if you know what I mean?!" etc etc with definite flirting from both sides. I felt a bit sick when I read this, and subsequently searched his other work emails, and discovered one 15 May which is from 5 DAYS after DD was born when he was here at home on paternity leave, with both of them arranging to go out for dinner together, and discussing where they could go where they wouldn't be caught. :-(
I then called DP and confronted him, going nuts and crying, and admitted that they had kissed 3 months ago on a work night out, but nothing else had happened apart from a few flirty emails. He says they have never been alone together, slept together, or gone out for dinner. DP came home from work to sort things out, and appears to be devastated that he's fucked up, crying hysterically and saying that he loves me and it was just an escape from all the pressures of the last few months and that she means nothing. He told his parents straight away, crying whilst doing so, and they too are gutted.( I said he had to tell them as I couldn't live a lie whilst in their house). I'm inclined to believe him when he says she means nothing, and he doesn't have previous form, this is very out of character.

I am just devastated that he cheated when I was pregnant, and that he was arranging a meeting with her so soon after I had given birth. I thought he had seemed a little distant lately but never suspected this. I am so angry that he has ruined everything, and I'm not sure how we can move on from this. How can I wave him off to work everyday knowing he'll be working so closely with her? I hate him for tainting was should be such a happy time with our son and newborn baby girl, and moving jnto our lovely new house. I think I am still shocked and feel sick and can't eat and can't stop crying. He wants us to talk again when the kids are in bed tonight, but I don't know what to say, and how we can move on as the trust is gone. I love him and he says he loves me and will do anything to keep me. I've never seen him so upset. My confidence has now taken a massive blow and I feel numb. I just feel so vulnerable too having just given birth, and knackered from looking after 2 tiny children. I'm almost too tired to think straight and gain perspective.
He might be upset and sorry, but I worry that the email sent yesterday morning was still über-flirty, and if I hadn't have caught him, these emails and possible meet ups would have carried on. I have put this to him and he says he's glad he was caught as it's made him realise how much he loves me and how much he's got to lose.

I guess I'm asking what would you all do? I can't see the woods for the trees at the moment and can barely function. Is there hope? I'm just not sure I can ever trust him again or forget what happened. I feel so miserable.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Never mind his tears (which I very sincerely hope are not of the crocodile variety). Is he sorry he has been caught or sorry he is putting you through this ghastlyness?

If it meant nothing, and she means nothing why do it? Not only did he betray you but he facilitated her betraying her fiance too.

Does having a family with you mean nothing? Does your new house mean nothing? How would he feel if you had done something similar? Does family life mean nothing.

These are the questions that occur to me and to which in your situation I would want answers. There has clearly been a lot going on your lives, centred not solely around him but around you as a family. Is he someone who is needy and demanding and who can't appreciate that he can't come first a lot of the time? If so, he is an adult and he should behave like one.

In your situation I would not accept any being vague on his part. I would want a full account of exactly what happened, how and when.

He may have been sorry for himself if (and I don't know this, am just surmising) you were "off" sex during your pregnancy. Then for God's sake just get over it.

Sorry, your post has made me angry on your behalf. Many Mumsnetters have great DHs and DPs but the number of posts about men who are unfaithful, having EAs, playing around, making sure they get their time in the pub or wherever is far, far too many.

And yes, I know, I don't have to read them.

Not sure where you are Snaggle, but if you would like a few days away in a lovely city, just PM me.

As you get on well with his folks, might it be worth staying put at theirs for a bit to get the help you need with the DCs and asking him to move out/into the new house for a bit until you've got your head sorted?

I think one way to get to the actual truth is to say if anything comes out/or is found out subsequently that he has not admitted/confessed to, then the relationship will definitely be over. He has the opportunity now to confess all so that you know all there is to forgive and to decide whether or not you can recover from all this .

Thinking of you, it's a truly horrible place to be.

Great post from sloobreeus.

Also op he is 50% responsible for your kids, his input isn't out of charity, they're his, and he should be caring for them too.

Oh and what a low thing to do to you, truly despicable. No wonder you feel so bad

It took dp over three weeks and a hospital trip to finally tell me everything, the story came out in drips, after saying his phone was there for me to check whenever, I did and there were messages he thought he'd deleted which were still stored in the memory of the iphone, well some of them anyway, this painted a different picture than the one he'd originally told me.

Looks - your post makes it sounds like you put him in hospital

Yes counting10 has made a good suggestion as I now remember telling my H the same thing - that if there were further revelations showing that he lied, that would be it. You have to mean it though.

Oh yes for the record dp was rushed into hospital from work, he thought he was having a heart attack, they put it down to a panic/anxiety attack.

Although at the time I did actually feel like putting him there myself not condoning violence in any shape or form just saying

Th king of you, what a horrible position he has put you through.

I would take up her offer of leaving the company, I'd tell her that it is a very good idea and may help you be able to rebuild your family for your newborn children's sake.

Probably not great advice but it's something I would do.

I agree with Pissy, if she is saying she will go, tell her that nothing less than this will do..

Also remind her that if her bloke doesn't know, he soon will do unless she vanishes FOREVER.

Again perhaps not the best advice, but that is how I would feel.

Not keen on that idea Tbh. On a scale of 1 to awful, she is lower down than the ops dh. And it gives her a certain amount of power and puts the ball in her court - him leaving is saying "we are making decisions togethrr to rebuild our family", her leaving in this situation implies the only thing keeping the ops dh faithful is her absence.
Just the way I see it.

I also feel the op has no right to dictate to her - what if she leaves and comes back within a month? But the dh should do as she expects.

Get him to move out, and make him pay for a night nurse to help with the night feeds.

I second the advice to you that you should encourage the PA to leave the company if your H leaving would hurt you financially. You can make her do it if she seems to be dragging her heels. She is married, after all.

Tell your parents. Don't protect him from the consequences of what he has done. When you tell your mum, you are within your rights to ask her to focus on practical help for you, or emotional support for you, and that you consider venting her anger about DH not to fit into this category.

I am going to agree with others here who suspect you have discovered the tip of the iceberg.

Whatever it consisted of, if it meant nothing, why do it, why risk hurting the woman you should love and wrecking the family you supposedly are living for? This is what he needs to answer. I agree with Sloobreeus here.

I wouldn't recommend telling the ow to leave her job tbh. Wouldn't she then be able to claim she was forced out?
I am so sorry for you op. You don't have to do anything you are not ready for. Even if its not speaking to him tonight. You decide.
I would also be surprised if there isn't more to it. Sorry. I would tell him I don't believe him and tell him I am going to be checked for sti's.

Im sorry OP, what a shitty situation he has caused. I agree wih getting him to move out and asking him to pay for someone to help you. You need some time away from him to concentrate on your baby.

Why should OW give up her job and her pay? She and he are both as responsible but she because she is PA and lower should be the one to go?

OP's H is the one who has messed her around. If OP cannot trust her H to carry on working with this woman he needs to take action to resolve this. Kicking out the OW does not change anything about him, his morals or him allowing himself to do this.

OW shouldn't be forced out.

Agree xales, though I do think in this case its more she offered - it would hurt the op (fibancially- for it to be her dh to leave so why not do it? But I agree it makes me uncomfortable.

I think the fact that they would be working so closely together becuase she is his PA would make it very difficult to move past this (if that's what you choose to do). It's not like they can just avoid each other/ work separartely or whatever.

If the affair was just a kiss and a few flirty emails, why is the PA so willing to leave her job?

Why did he go nuts and and cry a lot?

These make me wonder if there is a lot more to it.

I'm so sorry. Classic time to have an affair, when you are pregnant with your second. What a shit. Obviously he is sleeping with her.
I think you should ask him to move out while you get your head together. Hope you are OK.

Poor you op, but it reads like a script.

These blokes always say stuff like 'there was no sex' and what a surprise, there was.

My friend's husband did this. He started off saying they were just flirting, then admitted to kissing and eventually confessed to sex.

He also became so upset whenever she brought up the affair (great bouts of sobbing), that she decided not to keep doing so as it was so traumatic for him. So that was nice and easy for him!

She has decided to make a go of it, but are they happy? No.

Sorry ladies but I think most of you are not helping the situation.

Fact: you know DH kissed another woman. He has apologised.

You need to decide if you can forgive that and move on with your marriage. If so, that will obviously take time and effort and he needs to understand that he has to earn back your trust and that it won't happen over night.

You do not know if it has gone any further than that. You can ask him again but he has told you it has not. Again, only you can decide whether you believe that. Was he usually an honest type?

People do make mistakes. Terrible, terrible mistakes not realising the consequences of those mistakes at the time. (and before anyone asks, no I havent ever cheated).

In the email she sent she said she's glad he's not leaving. doesn't that mean that he was considering leaving his job because of what happened with her? Hadn't he already realised the error of his ways?

He's owned up, he's repentant, he's even told his parents what a shit he's been. I'd say he had a wobble. Granted, a massive wobble. But from the sounds of it, he's realised what he could have lost and is very unlikely to ever put that at risk again.

If you can get through it, it sounds like you've had a wonderful relationship til now and this doesn't negate that. He screwed up. Punish him by all means but if you can fix it, isn't it worth trying?

Lots of tissues, lots of tea and lots of talking. Rant at him, send him to a hotel for a while but think about your relationship as a whole, not just this one thing.

Good luck xxxx

I think you misread the OP a little eleda her H was saying to the OW that he was glad she didn't go.

him saying "I'm really glad you didn't leave, I'd have really missed you if you know what I mean?!

It was also sent only yesterday

You are right that the only thing he has confessed to is a kiss and some texts. Most cheaters don't tend to confess everything straight away and he did have a massive reaction.

I hope you are right and this is all there way though and OP can work through it.

Have reread and yes, you're right.

I guess my point is that he hasn't necessarily done anything else and he could have screwed up once. Surely with an otherwise solid relationship and 2 kids, the first thinking should be, can we get through this?m It seems most of the responses so far are, leave him.

Hopefully it won't come to that, try other options first!

Eleda - are you suggesting is that things are swept under the carpet, the wife forgives him after her rant and things get back to normal only for him to think he's got away with it and the next time life gets stressful, he reverts back to his cheating behaviour?

There is hope but only if he takes full responsibility and looks at himself to find out why he chose to cheat as a way of coping with his issues. He also needs to 100% honest about really happened and I doubt that this is the case here.

OP is devastated and may not want to take him back due to loss of trust and she is entitled to feel like this and she also has the right to ask for space to process her thoughts and feelings.