How do you prevent becoming an unappreciated skivvy if you are a SAHM?

[pinkstapler]

I'm talking about dh by the way. The dc aren't too bad. Or should i happily do all the mundane childcare and household tasks because i am so lucky that i don't work and poor dh has been in the office all day?

My dh does appreciate what I do but I still feel like a skivvy. Watching with interest.

Sorry I can offer no suggestions other than stopping doing it for a while so that they realise what you do.

Dunno. Wish I did though.

Ooh - very interested in this thread! I'm a SAHM and am basically my DH's housekeeper...... :)

I have considered not starting to put dc to bed tonight to see what happens!

How does your dh show his appreciation carrotsandcelery? Mine never ever thanks me for what i do or notices really.

Simple. I'm a sham with two DS under 4 and another due in few weeks. You make your day like a work day. You clock off when he gets home. All work after that is shared like doing dinner, cleaning, getting kids bathed and in bed.

Much happier home life now. :)

My dh knows I could go back into the work place and earn money so 'we' choose for me to the SAHM - I think this help him to value what I do - although it's far from perfect.

I have also worked for some periods of time and then DH has to fill in at home and this gives him a vivid reality check. Nothing like doing the SAHM role for a week to make you realise how tough it is:0

pinkstapler do you ever thank him for going out to work and earning a wage?

If not then maybe you both need to appreciate each other a bit more.

As far as how you feel - that is down to you and the way you frame it in your mind. If you know you are doing a worthwhile job and doing your part towards building a happy future for your family then you don't really need anyone else to tell you that or to make you feel good about it.

I hate the way partners make it all a competition to see who is doing the most. If you are happy to be a SAHM then just do it and be happy with it. It's a lovely thing you are doing!

Dh shows his appreciation by commenting on the house looking nice, thanking me for a tasty meal, saying that he has the easiest side of the partnership, doing jobs around the house when he can, taking some of the reins when he gets in the door, if he is in before bedtime, etc.

He gets is wrong sometimes of course, and so do I. I think it is just that I feel part of a team that helps.

As I said, I do still feel like a skivvy though.

I am trying to overcome this by taking up a hobby and taking some time every day to pursue it. I think it is having something that is entirely my own that I am hoping will help.

I think, for me, the skivvy feeling comes from how boring what I do is. I do endless housework and sit outside kids activities waiting for them. It is better when other mums are there too and we chat but otherwise it is pretty dull.

The time with the kids is not dull (well not always, depending what we are doing) but now they are at school that is just a small part of my whole picture.

Agree with boys, set your working hours and after that you share the chores.

It's all about leisure time, that should be equal so if you get a 2hr break for the gym then he should get one too and vice versa.

Oh and make sure the house is never immaculate when he gets home, he will think you have had an easy day

We used to split the childcare when he got home as well, but he is doing less and less now because i just do it i suppose, then i get more and more pissed off.
The hobby is a v good idea. Dh has a hobby which takes up hours of his time in evenings and weekends and which i do secretly resent because he does it while i am carrying on doing everything else and it is all consuming.

It does help. You need something for yourself.

My dh is a long distance runner and a golfer, as well as working long hours.

His hobbies mean he is out for long periods of time and, as you say, I carry on doing the same old, same old while he does it.

Now I feel I have my own thing too. I am hoping to enroll in college to improve my skills, which will mean I have time out of the house too.

Thanks carrots. I am definately going to look into an evening class.

Money. It's a little clicheed but some people only value the stuff they can put a price on, and only respect people that are demanding. Negotiate a 'package' therefore. T's & C's like any other employee. Agree scope of role, working hours, time off, and a decent salary (allowance). If you're seriously worried that you're going to end up an 'unappreciated skivvy' I think you have to be businesslike in order to be taken seriously.

My DH doesn't have a clue what I do. I am fairly certain he think I sit on my fat arse, on MN & eating biscuits all day while the kids stick their fingers in plug sockets or something. I also work from home as well around 12 hours a week, but on busy weeks (like this week for example) it can be up to 20. It doesn't help that our division of responsibilities in my eyes is not equal.

The only way I think you can do it is for him to have the kids on his own for more than a day, i.e long enough for the "daddy's home" novelty to wear off and for him to be responsible for the things he either dislikes or is not familiar with. I know if my DH had to look after the kids, do laundry, provide meals for all of us and keep the house looking just above the level of a slum he would struggle.

Start by choosing a decent adult human being to form a relationship with. Work from there.

Similar to others - I basically 'clock off' when he gets in. He does bedtime with the kids while I get a bit of peace and quiet . We both try to get some time to relax in an evening at home. I get weekly time off (sewing group) and he tends to have a v late night out each month, which tends to equal out.

I still get annoyed at all the little things he does where I feel he's made extra work for me that didn't make his life any easier either (like leaving rubbish on the worktop when it's right next to the bin ) and I refuse to wash any clothes he leaves by the side of the bed instead of in the laundry basket. I also refuse to put his random stuff (tools, etc) away - I stick it all in one bag and tell him to sort it.

BoysWillGrow has it spot on.

Men who work all week and then spend the the weekends on time-consuming hobbies while their SAHSkivvies are just expected to keep on doing everything baffle me.

Is spending time with your children really so terrible?

Then when their marriage breaks up the insist they are just as important a parent as the one that has basically raised the children unaided with the odd hour of cheerful uncle interludes at his convenience.

seeker has it.

I disagree with the clocking off thing.

I think you should both have

I agree with approaching it like a job. I get a monthly "salary" and we agree quarterly family "goals" in addition to the day-to-day grind of chores.

I also approach it like a job in the sense that, finances permitting, I choose to outsource some of my work as needed. A cleaner, childcare some days, dry cleaner for DH's shirts on busy weeks. Especially if I can make a "profit" on my time by earning money through eBay whilst someone else looks after the DCs. (ROI/Return on Investment anyone?)

Try to find a chance to let DH experience the joys of being a SAHM for himself. A day isn't enough, he can muddle through that by having a fun day. 2-3 days away ought to give him some insights!

crafty my DH leaves his crap everywhere too, drives me insane. I also got deeply resentful about cleaning up after everyone else repeatedly, hence the cleaner.

I haven't got it sussed though, am far from happy being a SAHM. DH usually ignores my efforts and I have to make a point to tell him about my achievements. FWIW, I am looking forward to getting back into some kind of paid-work environment to rebalance things a little!

If my DH loads the dishwasher or does the washing up he tells me he has done it and basically is waiting for gushing thanks and appreciation. He does that relatively infrequently and his only other job is to put the bins out. It does make me chuckle! OTOH he never notices that all the other stuff gets done, unless he is short on gym gear in which case he asks me to put a wash on!!!

He does have his good points - they are just not domestic chores! :)