How do you prevent becoming an unappreciated skivvy if you are a SAHM?

[pinkstapler]

I'm talking about dh by the way. The dc aren't too bad. Or should i happily do all the mundane childcare and household tasks because i am so lucky that i don't work and poor dh has been in the office all day?

It's just me then is it? Am I really the only person who thinks that in a couple you're both on the same side and shouldn't be drawing the battle lines like this??

@glass Ideally, it shouldn't even require a conversation. Two mature adults should be able to manage a house, jobs and children between them without either feeling they are doing more than their fair share and without saying a word. Many get on and do exactly that. But as so many men (and it's usually men, unfortunately) arrive in a relationship with the idea that earning money absolves them from any domestic chores, some women need strategies to nip it in the bud

Pinkstapler, this is what you do.

1. do not get angry. Stay humerous, make your point lightly, lovingly but make sure it is being made.
2. He does not get how bloody hard work this is (my friends who worked part time said 'I go back to work for a rest' too many times, from too many different people, in too many different places for it to be anything other than a point well made)
3. So: next time there is a long weekend/he takes leave, YOU are going to leave the house and go on the razzle. After 3 days you will ring up and ask him how he is doing, and when he has admitted that it is hard work and that you are both in this thing called life together, you will come home. If not, you will stay away another night. And so on until he gets it.
4. Come home, reassure him that you still love him etc.

Do it!

Or don't even make the point. Just arrange for a walking holiday in the Lake District with some friends (they can be imaginary if they are all in the same sich as you) AND GO.

He will get it without losing any manly face.

"Am I really the only person who thinks that in a couple you're both on the same side and shouldn't be drawing the battle lines like this??"

You are the only person who believes despite all evidence that in every couple both members really are on the same side.

If someone is taking you for granted and expecting you to act like their servant just because you provide childcare while they work, that's a battle line already drawn.

yes but the OP didn't answer my first question which was - Do you thank your DH when he gets home from work for his contribution?

It's about mutual respect and appreciation surely?

I don't thank my DH for earning the money but I do big him up to the children about it i.e. Daddy works very hard so that we can go on holiday / buy you new toys/ new clothes / go to the cafe for lunch. I do that in and out of earshot and DH will support me in the same way i.e. Mummy does lots of things for you.

Unfortunately some people don't appreciate the equal partnership idea. I started as I meant to continue when we moved in, we'd both lived independently so we carried on from there, if a wash needs doing, one of us will do it. I try to get laundry done during the week (DH works away) but if the laundry basket is looking full, he will put one on without any comments as he knows I must have had a busy / rough week. He goes Monday am, back Thursday after the kids are asleep so will usually do bedtime routine with both on Fri, Sat and Sun as I need a break from them!

I guess it comes down to this, he wants to spend time with them, especially whilst they are young because you have a finite time until they are independent. Neither are full time at school yet so I don't have free time to get all the housework done during the day so it gets done when we can, my main role is looking after the children and trying to keep things ticking over. At the weekend I will usually do some housework whilst he takes DC out but that is personal choice not just expected. I see lots of the DCs during the week / he needs to maximise time with them / I need a break from them and want to get things organised. He's very good at just doing stuff as well, so will Hoover / mop kitchen floor etc. when the kids are both at school, I will have time in the day to get more done and things will change again no doubt.

And when you go back to work, how do you stop the "habit" that you are the one who deals with household stuff...?

In principle, DH is brilliant.
In practice, 'tis rather different.
I am "part-time", so inevitably do more around the house than DH, but the ssumption is always there, that because I have more time (I don't, it's just arranged differently) I do pretty much all the housework/childcare stuff.
I don't mind having to deal with it all in the holidays if DH is still working and I am on holiday. It's term time when we don't seem to get it right.

I have been busy recently doing work at home so the house has been a tip, this week I did no work and set on the house.

Dp not only noticed but bought me a bottle of wine, it was that bad !

Honestly he shoulds like he's not joining in family life much ? Dp does cook the odd meal in the week and he always does some of bath time, bottle and story. And he works 6 days a week.

If he's off for long hours at the weekend it's gruelling being on your own, try to get one hobby (which make you a little cash in the future ) and then maybe he won't see you as a skivy and you get to do what you want. Either way you need to have a conversation as you're not happy !

I agree that when you're both at home, you're both 'on duty' and share the work. That's the only fair thing. And neither partner should assume that they can swan off for lengthy personal hobbies in the small amount of available family time - you have to discuss and work out how to compromise and support each other.

Also, the working partner should have various chores 'worked' into their day - e.g. take the bins out when you're walking to the car, put the laundry on while you have breakfast - whatever fits into your household routine. Many things like this are not biggies if you do them regularly and fit them in with times when you're in that room etc. anyway. And it really helps the house to keep running smoothly.

DH works out of the home, full-time, I work from home, part-time, and we follow this. I still do more IYSWIM, but we have a good balance. And I know that if I were to be knocked over by a bus tomorrow, he'd be able to keep the household going (i.e. he knows what/how all the routines are). More or less.

Well, as the SAHM I take on most of the house stuff: cooking, cleaning, laundry, child-related stuff, admin stuff.

But DH looks after the kids whenever he is here, usually weekends, and does house stuff like the garden and weekend cooking. I prefer him not to tamper with my little systems for the rest of it. I also make sure that my life and the things I like doing have not stopped. I'm studying part-time so DH has to support me in that by looking after the kids. A certain amount goes into my account each month for my own expenses and I go out and see my friends whenever I want, as does he.

I absolutely will not martyr myself to it. If DH isn't pulling his weight, he gets told so. Life is too short to be miserable

AS StuntGirl said, BoysWillGrow has it spot on.

These are the things we have done to ensure I enjoy being a SAHM for the last 6 years (DC are currently 2, 4 and 6):

1. I do a little work on the side (literally a few hours a month - marking assignments) to keep my brain ticking over.
2. Both DH and I genuinely consider all our money to be joint. We as a team have earned it between us.
3. Having a cleaner. I love looking after my DCs but I hate housework.

In my case I think it helps that, when I was working, I earned as much as my DH, so he is very aware that we havent chosen to organise it this way for financial reasons. I don't think he'd want to be a SAHD if given the choice - he knows how hard it is!

I think mothers of young children are tremendously under-appreciated. Somewhere in me, now my son is older, I wince when I see mothers pushing their toddlers along. They just don't realise how important they are and what a fantastic job they're doing.

I have to say I never really felt like a skivvy, though I am not a huge fan of housework. That said, I was a single mother and had no partner. As you suggest, that equality and appreciation may be what you need to address.